icebreaker1 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I met a young woman at work last year at a time we were both single and unattached. We’re both lawyers working in the same firm. In the months that followed, we saw each other from time to time in the hallways and she would always want to talk to me, teasing me, and urging me to take her out to lunch sometime (it was my idea originally). She once teased me that I was too old for her, giving me the impression that she was sizing me up as a romantic partner. Whenever I was at special functions she would seek me out and have a conversation with me. I got the sense that she liked me and likewise, I was crazy about her. However, I was resistant to having a relationship with her since 1) I was uncomfortable about dating someone at work, and 2) I have been hurt before in dating. I tried to convince myself that I had no feelings for her. I avoided seeing her in the hopes of forgetting her. Both strategies didn’t work in the end. I finally got around to inviting her to lunch. I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction: she was ecstatic and said that she really wanted to dine with me. However, a few minutes later she revealed that she now has a boyfriend, which obviously left me very heartbroken. It hurts me to know that she is with someone else. I still have strong feelings for her and want to do what I can to salvage the situation. A part of me still contends that I did the right thing by not dating a co-worker. However, another part of me regrets that I didn’t make a move earlier and tell her how I feel about her. So here are my questions: 1. Do you think I did the right thing by not dating a co-worker? 2. Should I tell her how I feel about her anyway? I never knew how she felt about me. Plus, I figure that there’s a chance that she could move to another firm and that if she isn’t with anyone, there would be an opportunity for me. 3. In the event I have to forget about her, how do I get over her? It’s not going to be easy for the next year or so, since she changed positions and I’ll probably be seeing more of her. I know I should just let go and move on with my life, but it’s really difficult. Please help.
jen1447 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 It happens to the best of us. My opinions .... 1. Yeah, probably. Seems to me that in a setting like a law firm particularly, it could be a problem. 2. No, not now. She's otherwise occupied so it'll just make her feel compromised. That won't help your chances in the future if she gets single again. I'd stay in touch on social media and in general and if you find out she's single again, then you can make a move. 3. If it's really intense, you might consider a move. Otherwise, just keep her at arm's length and time and distance will eventually do their thing.
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Throughout our lives we end up crushing on coworkers here and there.....perfectly normal because we see them everyday and form a bond. How to stop it? by not daydreaming about them. Day dreaming or fantasizing, masturbation theater can be habit forming, exasperating the situation even further. You need to get into a hobby or activity that distracts you from doing this. It take a little work but in time you will feel the effects less and less as you move forward with life.
xcupid Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 So here are my questions: 1. Do you think I did the right thing by not dating a co-worker? 2. Should I tell her how I feel about her anyway? I never knew how she felt about me. Plus, I figure that there’s a chance that she could move to another firm and that if she isn’t with anyone, there would be an opportunity for me. 3. In the event I have to forget about her, how do I get over her? It’s not going to be easy for the next year or so, since she changed positions and I’ll probably be seeing more of her. I know I should just let go and move on with my life, but it’s really difficult. Please help. 1. Yes. Dating a co-worker is a potential minefield. 2. No. You don't tell her how you feel. If she becomes single again and works at another law firm then you can make your move. Until then, she's off limits. 3. You get over her by staying busy and dating other women. That way you don't focus on her or obsess over her. Good luck. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Some firms prohibit lawyers from dating each other or the staff. Most don't because they presume you will be professional enough to handle the fall out. Presumably you both understand sexual harassment & can stick up for yourselves. So no I don't think you were required to stay away but if the concept made you uncomfortable, then you were correct in being true to yourself. At this point, you missed your opportunity. She would have dated you had you asked but she has since concluded you weren't interested because you never did anything despite all her signals that a request for a date would have been welcomed. Now she has a BF so you will be a homewrecker if you try. I'd avoid her at work & use logically self talk to maintain a professional distance. If you can't do that shop for another job. Do not under any circumstances announce to her that you like her. Such an announcement will be unwelcome at this point. It's part of your missed opportunity. Had you asked her on a date before she had the BF, it would have been fine. Now it's too late & the announcements are always awkward. Don't make a bad situation worse.
Author icebreaker1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 It happens to the best of us. My opinions .... 1. Yeah, probably. Seems to me that in a setting like a law firm particularly, it could be a problem. 2. No, not now. She's otherwise occupied so it'll just make her feel compromised. That won't help your chances in the future if she gets single again. I'd stay in touch on social media and in general and if you find out she's single again, then you can make a move. 3. If it's really intense, you might consider a move. Otherwise, just keep her at arm's length and time and distance will eventually do their thing. Thanks Jen1447 for your comments. I'm in a professional setting so dating would be a problem. It's not so much because of protocol or administrative details. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to see her after there is a break-up or relationship problems. If it were a temporary job, I don't think I would have a problem, but my position is really good and I plan to stay for the long term. I have made a living from my position.
Author icebreaker1 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 Throughout our lives we end up crushing on coworkers here and there.....perfectly normal because we see them everyday and form a bond. How to stop it? by not daydreaming about them. Day dreaming or fantasizing, masturbation theater can be habit forming, exasperating the situation even further. You need to get into a hobby or activity that distracts you from doing this. It take a little work but in time you will feel the effects less and less as you move forward with life. Belated thanks Smackie9. I'm not sure what you mean by "masturbation theater." Please explain. Also, you're Canadian - it should be "theatre."
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Belated thanks Smackie9. I'm not sure what you mean by "masturbation theater." Please explain. Also, you're Canadian - it should be "theatre." Actually no we spell it both ways just like everyone else. Apparently how you spell it does not define nationality. The use of theatre in the US was used up until 1970 just because some theater in Minneapolis changed their signage. But even still this is only a theory. Fringe theater groups will spell it "theatre" to give it an uppity classy sound to it. Masturbation theater: playing a fantasy in your head while masturbating where the object of your desire is staring in the main role. This isn't a Canadian thing, my husband came up with it lol.
one goal Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I told my crush at work I wanted to hangout with her. I was honest.
Author icebreaker1 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 Actually no we spell it both ways just like everyone else. Apparently how you spell it does not define nationality. The use of theatre in the US was used up until 1970 just because some theater in Minneapolis changed their signage. But even still this is only a theory. Fringe theater groups will spell it "theatre" to give it an uppity classy sound to it. Masturbation theater: playing a fantasy in your head while masturbating where the object of your desire is staring in the main role. This isn't a Canadian thing, my husband came up with it lol. Thanks for straightening out the MT thing. A bit provocative for my liking but fine. And thanks for clarifying theater vs. theatre. So you never answered my three questions (see original post). I'm curious what you think.
Author icebreaker1 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 I told my crush at work I wanted to hangout with her. I was honest. Please tell more. Is she seeing someone else like my love interest? What do you mean by hangout? I can hangout with my crush too, but dating is another thing.
one goal Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Please tell more. Is she seeing someone else like my love interest? What do you mean by hangout? I can hangout with my crush too, but dating is another thing. No she isn't seeing someone. I asked her to hangout as friends though. I mean I have a crush on her but not to the point to ask her out so I just asked her to go hangout as "friends" to get to know her but not really asking her out but I let her know I do like her. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/552641-cute-hot-nice-chick-work-i-like-but-one-issue
Author icebreaker1 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 1. Yes. Dating a co-worker is a potential minefield. 2. No. You don't tell her how you feel. If she becomes single again and works at another law firm then you can make your move. Until then, she's off limits. 3. You get over her by staying busy and dating other women. That way you don't focus on her or obsess over her. Good luck. Thanks CupidX. Thanks for being concise and being very clear, answering my questions directly. It's been months since you wrote and all I can say is that it's very difficult. I've taken your advice - I've dated other women, kept myself busy, and haven't told her anything - but it hasn't been easy. For example, today she changed her Facebook profile pic and she looks amazing! Of course, I see it and feel sad. Just when I think I'm slowly getting over her there she is again! It doesn't help that she gets many "likes" as well. Evidently she's popular. And everyone seems to agree that she's beautiful. Love is never easy.
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