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I want him to move out, but not sure if I want to break up, how do you tell him that?

Believer69

By Believer69
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Believer69 Member

Believer69

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OK, I have been dating my BF for a year and a half. After one and a half months of dating he moved in. YES, thats fast and I know it! He was a very irresponsible person with lots of issues I new nothing about. I was lonely and so when he was kicked out of the apt he was sharing with a bunch of other guys, he had no where to go. I'm a sucker like that. I was so infatuated with him. I needed someone to like me after a 9 year BAD relationship ended about two months earlier. He thought I was GREAT, good job, nice home, new car, all things he did not have. Then the I loves you came a long after maybe three months. The entire time he has lived with me we have had major issues. We also fought a lot. None of my friends like him. all prob,ems to me, not to him though.

 

Now fast forward a year. Still wish he didn't live with me. It seems as though my role has gone from girl friend to more of a mother type. At this point I know I would be happier if he just didn't live with me, but I am afraid once I ask him to leave it will be over. I know it will. We probably shouldn't even stay dating, we have no common interests, it was basically sex for me, and a place to stay for him. He wont see it that way, but truth be told, he was my rebound guy, that wont go away. I mean no harm to him, and if he leaves he has no where to go, no car no nothing. I tell myself its not my problem but I just cant do that to someone. Help!!

 

I spoke about this relationship a year ago on this site and didn't listen to the advise given but I will try this time.

Merin Established Member

Merin

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You know the relationship is done...

 

While I can appreciate you're looking out for him so to speak in not wanting to throw him out with no where to go... it seems to me this isn't a new situation for him as he was in the same spot little different circumstances when he first met you...

 

Sit him down and tell him that you feel the relationship has run it's course... that you care about him but this isn't working for you any longer... give him a time limit of say 2 weeks to have his stuff out of your home.

ltomlinson81 Established Member

ltomlinson81

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Listen to what you are saying. This is over.

 

I lived with my ex for 3 of 4 years of dating. The first 6 months we did not live together. And the last 6 months we did not live together. I think we both knew we were inching toward a breakup. Had we tried any longer to salvage our relationship, we would have both gone nuts.

 

Once you are in the mother role, you know its time to leave. Eventually, this relationship has to end. You should be the one to do it because you seem to have a clear head about it. You just need the courage...

FolderWife Established Member

FolderWife

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It doesn't sound like you are worried about losing the relationship, but rather that you care about him and don't want to toss him out when he's so...helpless.

 

Doesn't he have any friends?

noname Established Member

noname

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i agree that you should let it go. but two weeks is a bit too short for someone who has done you no direct harm other than just not being the one. if he is how you say he is, he probably has no savings. getting first, last, and security deposit for an apartment and moving costs on top of that, is a bitch. and two weeks is a bit harsh. not even a landlord can legally kick you out in two weeks.

 

and oh yeah... better get over the fear of not being able to keep him. once you kick him out, that'll pretty much be it for the relationship part. you may be able to salvage some sort of friendship and an occasional romp in the hay. but that is probably about it... be truthful with him and if you care about him give him a reasonable time to end up somewhere besides a shelter...

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Believer69 Member

Believer69

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OK, so I just read the relpys, and appriciate it. I do have to do something. I sort of mention something once to him after we had been out one Friday night. (drinkking ofcourse!) He said he hates that I always pay. (He gives me just about all his money, which is nothing...it is our spending money for the week.) I told him he could keep all of his money if he got his own place and wouldnt feel resentful to me. He said, true.

 

I also just moved into a new place, and I told him that I did NOT put him on the lease. I thought it a bit odd that he didnt think twice about that. Now I have put myself i a position I know I HAVE to do it! I do feel so vad. He has no friends in the area, his family is in no postion to help.

 

He is 31 years old, he has been on his own since 18 I think he can manage, but he doenst have any money that is a problem.

 

It is just so frustrating! I need to grow some and talk to him. I think I will do that tonight. I will be away this weekend, so it will give him time alone. Hopefully he wont do anything vengfull, well maybe i will start warming him up to the idea...then when I get back on Sunday we can talk more about it. He is going to hate this, he LOVES living with me, of course, for his measly $200 a week he gets a brand new townhouse, with Spa, driver service (me, who drops him and picks him up from work) Food, beer, what ever his heart desires. And let me tell you he expects more and more. I am just to giving, and that is why he MUST leave. He is draining me.

noname Established Member

noname

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Originally posted by Believer69

OK, so I just read the relpys, and appriciate it. I do have to do something. I sort of mention something once to him after we had been out one Friday night. (drinkking ofcourse!) He said he hates that I always pay. (He gives me just about all his money, which is nothing...it is our spending money for the week.) I told him he could keep all of his money if he got his own place and wouldnt feel resentful to me. He said, true.

 

I also just moved into a new place, and I told him that I did NOT put him on the lease. I thought it a bit odd that he didnt think twice about that. Now I have put myself i a position I know I HAVE to do it! I do feel so vad. He has no friends in the area, his family is in no postion to help.

 

He is 31 years old, he has been on his own since 18 I think he can manage, but he doenst have any money that is a problem.

 

It is just so frustrating! I need to grow some and talk to him. I think I will do that tonight. I will be away this weekend, so it will give him time alone. Hopefully he wont do anything vengfull, well maybe i will start warming him up to the idea...then when I get back on Sunday we can talk more about it. He is going to hate this, he LOVES living with me, of course, for his measly $200 a week he gets a brand new townhouse, with Spa, driver service (me, who drops him and picks him up from work) Food, beer, what ever his heart desires. And let me tell you he expects more and more. I am just to giving, and that is why he MUST leave. He is draining me.

 

 

 

now you are getting down to the real stuff. you originally sounded like you wanted to keep him, but he must move out. sounded just monetary. but you are being emotionally drained and that is not a good thing. it needs to be taken care of. do not disregard what i said about giving him a little more time. but you do need to address this. be truthful. let him know that it is not just about money but about his selfish sponginess. i have a little experience with this stuff. and... i think the problem is not that you are too giving. it is that you need to give tough love. people are funny animals and when you keep doing for more and more for them, they learn to expect it. in other words, if you keep it up, you are not only draining yourself, you are holding him back from maturity. i was in a similar situation. i tried so hard to take care of my woman because she didn't have it well off. it was all gravy because i thought that she would try her damnedest to get on her feet. however, she just got comlacent and learned to know that i was always going to be there for her to fall back on.

 

don't get me wrong, it is always good for someone to feel as though you've got their back. it only bad if they feel you are their backbone. it took me realizing that i was holding her back from growth. it's almost like spoiling a child. soemtimes you can't really blame them for taking you for granted because they know no other way. and if i never gave her the tough love, kept keeping my mouth shut, and kept on giving? how could i totally fault her for sucking it up and getting comfortable? i was not only being emotionally drained (and not communicating), i was not allowing her to stand on her own two feet. it is not our fault, giving is natural for us, and we tend to give so much sometimes that we endanger ourselves and others.

 

this guy needs to get on his own two feet and he needs to be aware of what this is doing to your psyche. maybe when he realizes how deep it goes he will be understanding...

 

good luck...

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Believer69 Member

Believer69

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You are right. I can't blame him, I actually warned him about this, getting used to all that I can give. My Ex was the same way, and I told my BF this. I told him it came to a point where he wouldn't ask any more it was demanded. Thats when it was finally over for me. He is starting to get the same way. I mean he will even go into my wallet and grab my mac card then ask if he can run to the store, etc. I am getting the old feelings I had about my ex, and that is the last thing I wanted for our relationship. I feared it from the beginning. I need to stop the cycle, but it is so hard. I don't mind paying when he cant etc, BUT then after a year and a half, I guess then I do?? I don't know. I also don't want him to feel as though he has to kiss my a** for it either.

 

Another issue: He also calls me "his moral compass". I never truly understood that until my first vacation without him, of course, because I said I cant pay for you. He understood and it was a lot of my friends going, so what ever. Anyway when I came back I was told by the local bar to "never go away again". (we go and hang out on Fridays for corney Kareokee) I showed up missing him, and he wasn't home, he came stumbling in about an hour later, drunk. He told me he cant go one without me, don't leave him, etc.

 

He is doing SOOO much better then he was before we were dating, and he is a better person with a stable job etc. I would hate for me to ruin it for him just as I created it. You know?? He is getting a promotion at his job within the month and that will make him lots more money. Then he would be able to support himself financially.

 

Also, its not like I hate the guy or anything. He was the best to me in the first 6 months. I was a princess. I broke my foot, and he took care of me. I am beautiful and sexy and he is the luckist guy, is what he tells me. That is great, and I love that, but I don't need someone to tell me that anymore, I know it.

 

He means no harm, and to tell him I don't want him to live with me is strange I know but I am feeling so angry inside. Everything he does annoys me. He is always invited all these losers to come and hang out at our place because its "so awesome". Then he wants dinner made when his family comes over (he invites them without asking) I dont understand why he thinks its all ok. Or does he, I don't know!!! VERY CONFUSED!!!!

noname Established Member

noname

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you will get it together...

 

i don't think you are a sap or anything, because you are aware of what is going on. you sound like a wonderful person. you seem to have qualities that many people can't buy, generosity, patience, and compassion are hard to come by.

 

you are going to make someone very happy one day. and i hope that person is you. you just need a little balance in your life. you need to know when to say when. not just to others, but to yourself as well. and DO NOT change who you are. most people try to become the opposite of what they are in order to fix the problem. not good if you are giving up what is good about you. just think of it as adding some additional qualities to the good ones that you always had...

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Believer69 Member

Believer69

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Well its good to know I'm not a sucker! Like I said, none of my friends like him. Not for anything he has done in particular, but they know how I am. I have had to explain this to him. It is embarasing to think that all of your closest friends think you are so stupid you would let someone walk all over you. But that is not what my BF is doing. He needed help, and I was there. I just wish he had kept his place. But at the time it felt ok, but that changed very quickly.

 

I am way stronger then my friends think. I only give as much as much as I want. I just don't want to hurt someone I care about. Unfortunately I think it is time for change in this relationship. If it ends, well then that is what will happen, but its not the end of all.

 

It would be nice to actually have someone who is my equal. Wow, that sounded bad! I mean for someone to do all the things I do, would be nice. S***, I would feel rich if I didn't pay for everything!

 

Thanks for your support. It is always a good thing to talk to people who are not involved emotionally.

noname Established Member

noname

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i'm sure your friends have your best interests in mind. but they may be full of crap as well. when dealing with someone elses relationship. it is so much easier to deal with a problem when it is not yours. who's to say they would handle it any different than you? how many times have you given someone advice only to forget waht you said when you went through the same thing? i do it all the time. part of being human i suppose...

 

you can't be anymore wrong about not being emotionally involved...

 

just replying to some of these posts, you can't help but suck up so some of the emotional energy. funny, it is like being in a relationship with a few hundred people at the same time...

 

aaaahhhhh the voices in my head!!!

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Believer69 Member

Believer69

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Funny! I agree, i too have gotten emotionally involved when replying to other people on the site! well that is always the hope..to talk to people who care. Thanks again. I have a lot to think about on my ride home today! Wish me luck....

noname Established Member

noname

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i already did.

 

but just in case... here's some more:

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

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