Ally-65 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I've been dating a guy for two and a half years. He was separated when I started seeing him and got divorced a few months after. He took the divorce badly, it was his wifes decision. They had been married for 9 years, but she was the love of his life. Our relationship has always been good when we are together, but there can go longer periods of time between seeing each other, due to work or his skydiving hobby. I have been ok with that. What I have not been ok with is that he still does not want to "go public" with our relationship. By that I mean, he has never met my family and I have never met his. We have broken up a few times because of this. When I have asked him about it he just says that he's not ready or not able to love me in the way that I deserve. The last time this happened was in march of this year. He was gone for two months and then came back saying that if I still wanted him, he was ready to give me a "proper" relationship. I did still want him and everything has been going well. Despite, still not having met each others family, I was ok because I thought that he would, when the next family social gathering came up. We were invited to a party together by some of my friends, which is next weekend. He was happy to go with me. BUT, this weekend we were together and I asked him if he was sure he was ok with the party. He then said that he still couldn't give me the whole love, proper relationship commitment. I felt pretty devastated as I thought that was why he came back last time. He said how he was "disguarded" by his wife, and has such a fear now, that he can't seem to get past. He says he does not want his wife back (she is now in a new relationship) but he just can't seem to feel anything for anyone! He knows he has to let me go as it is not fair to me. We cried together for hours and then I left. I feel betrayed and used. He said that he would have told me even if I hadn't asked. But I am not sure when. I am trying to understand how it can take over 2 years to get over a marriage (no kids involved), but I can not see how one can't just move on. I feel sad, both for him and me. Anyone else taken this long to get over someone or is it me being cold ??
StalwartMind Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 It's a combination of things to be honest. He likely shouldn't of started a new relationship when his previous one still had such a hold on him, especially with the divorce. Everyone move on at a different pace, some people it can take multiple years to rid themselves of any feelings, in fact it can be very hard to detach from a person that meant so much to you for so long, even if they've "accepted" that it's the new reality. The shock effect can linger for a long time, so in a sense, perhaps your entire relationship wasn't given the justice that it deserves. I would personally feel bad for not offering someone the best of me, that's not to say he didn't try, I'm sure he did, but at the same time he was also pretty torn from his previous relationship. I do feel sad for both of you, because if you had met at a later point or under different circumstances, it could of been really great from the start. A lot of things are never ideal though, so the most important bit is that you actually keep a healthy focus on what is the reality. In truth, you both deserved better, that is how it sometimes goes, not that it makes things more right or wrong. He is right in the sense that currently he can't give you the best of him, he does need to be in a better place before he can even remotely be that. I'm positive that two people even if they need to break up for awhile, to get their stuff in order, that it's possible to reconnect at a later point. This does however depend on the parts involved and if your communication, honesty and interests are in alignment. None of what I wrote may really of helped you in any way to understand it better, it most certainly won't fix things, but one can hope that you at least can draw a tiny bit from it, especially the part that some people really do take a long time to heal. Don't blame yourself, or him for that matter, life is too short to point fingers at each other, even though most of us are so keen to do exactly that. Try to find some comfort in all of this, and see how things develop. No matter what it's been a learning experience, and often we do need negative ones to get us on the right track, wherever that is. 1
Author Ally-65 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 StalwartMind, Your answer made alot of sense. Helped alot too. Thank you.
BetrayedH Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I'd have to agree with Stalwart. It's remarkable how long it can take to heal and be healthy following a divorce from a long marriage. My wife also discarded me after being together for 18 years and she managed to have a year-long affair before doing it. It was unexpected and brutal. Like your BF, I began dating before my divorce was final. I've been with my GF now for about 3 years. I have to say that my GF is fantastic. She has some issues, like any person, but she loves me to death. I was clearly not over the situation with my STBX. And like your BF, it had nothing to do with wanting my wife back. It really is just amazing what a toll it can all do to your sense of trust and your ability to reinvest in any person again. I still sometimes think it is unfair to my GF that I'll probably never be as emotionally invested in another person as I was in my life before. I happily had all my eggs in one basket. And it was nearly the death of me. I don't even think it's wise to be that dependent upon another person anymore. I've kinda accepted that this is the new norm for me and that it's ok. I think one of the major reasons that my GF and I have made it is that she was also separated and going thru a divorce. It was a bit different for her as hers was her choice. But we both kinda "got" how the prior marriages were going to have residual impacts. And we were both pretty determined not to let our former marriages and spouses screw up our own relationship. And we were both determined not to make the same mistakes as we had in our marriages. We bith wanted to get this right. So I guess it wasn't a one-sided effort. Perhaps your BF will be ready later. I do think it takes years to recover and I doubt he had any mal-intent with you. In fact, it may be the loss of you that makes him realize that he still wants and needs you in his life. For me, I wasn't willing to let my exwife take so much as one more day away from me. I wasn't going to lose a romantic life because of her. Maybe your BF needs to lose you in order to realize that. All that said, I don't mean to give you false hope or imply that you should sit around and wait. I say it only to caution you from getting into some "friends" relationship with him or worse, a friends with benefits situation. Move on with your life, find a man without so much recent baggage. And if the stars align in the future such that he has healed and is ready, I think you can explore the option again.
Author Ally-65 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 Thank you so much for that reply. It actually does help me to understand. He has never been anything but honest with me about his feelings - they are just extremely mixed up at the moment. I will let him go, and hope he can find Peace of mind with or without me.
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