joseb Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Hi all. I was wondering if I could get some feedback from members who have had successful fwb/ **** budies arrangements. Did you agree to a set of rules? EG limiting contact, openness to meeting other people, how much cuddling you do, etc. How long did it last?
yxalitis Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Yep, A lot of forum dwellers will come here and cite "the rules" to you. Don't get attached, be honest, dump her/him if they show the SLIGHTEST hint of it becoming something more...etc I don't agree with rules in relationships or dating, the world is made up of too many different types of people, situations, relationships etc to try and apply blanket controls to something as innately complex as this. I'm dating my far-too-young for me ex FB, because she didn't want me to stop seeing her when i told her I needed to sort myself out. ("cna';t I be your girlfriend?" where her words. And, she's great, spend all day SUnday helping me move, happy, fun to be with.... Sex IS intimacy, I disagree with those who suggest those two things are separate. At least, the sort of sex I want to have is intimate, (ie, not a glory hole...or some other perverse attempt to isolate the two. So, when you are involved with someone to that level, emotions WILL be involved...how you or your partner deal with that is up to you and them, at the time...you could end up with a life partner...or the worst encoutner of your life...
torturedartist Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Hi all. I was wondering if I could get some feedback from members who have had successful fwb/ **** budies arrangements. Did you agree to a set of rules? EG limiting contact, openness to meeting other people, how much cuddling you do, etc. How long did it last? Dude, just keep her happy with the whole "benefits" thing. This isn't rocket science. She's not into this for you. She's into it for what you can do to her. So keep doing to her in a such a way that is pleasing, to her.
yxalitis Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Dude, just keep her happy with the whole "benefits" thing. This isn't rocket science. She's not into this for you. She's into it for what you can do to her. So keep doing to her in a such a way that is pleasing, to her. I don't think he actually HAS one...
Author joseb Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 I don't think he actually HAS one... I kind of have. At least a potential one.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 It's very, very rare for a FWB liaison to stay that way. Emotions come into play, and they get tangled and messy. IF: You can both have detached sex, enjoy the moment, then go about your days as if you were both completely single, then sustain that if you can, for as long as you can. At one point, one of you will start seeing things in it, and wanting more. And I hate to say it, it's usually (though by no means always) the girl. If you want this girl as a pure f**kbuddy, make sure she is absolutely 100% aware of that - and totally ok with it too. Otherwise you are in for a whole shedload of problems....
Author joseb Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 It's very, very rare for a FWB liaison to stay that way. Emotions come into play, and they get tangled and messy. IF: You can both have detached sex, enjoy the moment, then go about your days as if you were both completely single, then sustain that if you can, for as long as you can. At one point, one of you will start seeing things in it, and wanting more. And I hate to say it, it's usually (though by no means always) the girl. If you want this girl as a pure f**kbuddy, make sure she is absolutely 100% aware of that - and totally ok with it too. Otherwise you are in for a whole shedload of problems.... Yeah I have been 100% upfront with her from the start that I am not looking for a relationship, and that I only want casual. It's her that has started discussing rules - e.g. she offered to cook dinner, but has now decided that that's "too much like a relationship" So just wondering what others have expected and experienced.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 FWB - A true FWB is very rare. Both people are actually real friends first. Then they give into their attraction and have sex when the mood strikes. But they still do things together in public like they did when they were friends (still going dutch). F*ck Buddies - Two strangers meet and date very briefly. They decide they don't want a relationship but are very attracted. So then they have sex when the mood strikes but it consists of always staying in. This is what the majority of people who think they're FWB's are doing. After all, you can't be "friends" with someone you just met. As far as rules go, these are what I always established : 1) Being completely straight forward with your intentions. 2) You're allowed to date other people, but have to be sexually exclusive with each other. If either person wants to have sex with someone else, you stop having sex together. 3) There are no expectations whatsoever and no relationship activities like dates, cuddling, pet names, etc..
ASG Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 FWB - A true FWB is very rare. Both people are actually real friends first. Then they give into their attraction and have sex when the mood strikes. But they still do things together in public like they did when they were friends (still going dutch). F*ck Buddies - Two strangers meet and date very briefly. They decide they don't want a relationship but are very attracted. So then they have sex when the mood strikes but it consists of always staying in. This is what the majority of people who think they're FWB's are doing. After all, you can't be "friends" with someone you just met. As far as rules go, these are what I always established : 1) Being completely straight forward with your intentions. 2) You're allowed to date other people, but have to be sexually exclusive with each other. If either person wants to have sex with someone else, you stop having sex together. 3) There are no expectations whatsoever and no relationship activities like dates, cuddling, pet names, etc.. Re: the bolded... er... no. I've had plenty of FB/FWB relationships, most of them very successful, and that was NEVER a rule. For me, if we're FWB, then there is NO exclusivity, AT ALL. If there is, then it's not FWB. I also find it easier to keep detached if I'm sleeping with more than one person at the same time. 2
Dreamworld Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Hi josef, I have had a successful fwb albeit only one. The others didnt work because the guys ended up wanting more ( so it is not always the case the woman falls first) and i didnt want any commitments at the time. Alas we never went back to being friends because they never wanted anything to do with me after that. The one that worked we were on the same exact page so it never became a problem. We didnt even have to discuss any rules except telling each other we were free to sleep with other people but if one of us wanted to pursue a real relationship we would drop the benefits in respect to our partners. I am also a woman who seems to know how to compartmentalize compared to my female counterparts ( or so I have been told) so that helped too. We were honestly just that: good friends with benefits. Not best friends. Good friends. Meaning we didnt even interact that often. People were always asking us why we didnt just get together and we always said "because we dont want to" we knew we wouldnt be compatible as a couple. It is very rare to find a common ground like this but we were able to sail along for 3 years until he fell in love with someone and as promised, we dropped the benefits. No awkwardness nothing. We are still friends to this day. 1
Dreamworld Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I think we were able to do this because we didnt interact often. If you spend too much time with your fwb I think problems would occur. You dont spend all your time with your friends right? That is how we were. It was just very natural.
Dreamworld Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Re: the bolded... er... no. I've had plenty of FB/FWB relationships, most of them very successful, and that was NEVER a rule. For me, if we're FWB, then there is NO exclusivity, AT ALL. If there is, then it's not FWB. I also find it easier to keep detached if I'm sleeping with more than one person at the same time. Same here for me. No exlusivity at all. We even talked about our other partners to each other. Oops i meant joseb not josef. Sorry OP.
ASG Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Same here for me. No exlusivity at all. We even talked about our other partners to each other. Oops i meant joseb not josef. Sorry OP. Ha!! Same! I've had a few FWB where discussing our adventures was a frequent topic of conversation. Even if it was just a case of "yeah,I've been getting laid a lot recently!" or "meh, it's been a bit of a dry run" I think being exclusive on a FWB arrangement defeats the whole point. 1
elaine567 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Yeah I have been 100% upfront with her from the start that I am not looking for a relationship, and that I only want casual. It's her that has started discussing rules - e.g. she offered to cook dinner, but has now decided that that's "too much like a relationship" So just wondering what others have expected and experienced. There is a difference between saying "I am not looking for a relationship" and "I am only looking for casual uncomplicated sex" "I am not looking for a relationship", introduces the word "relationship" which can register in the mind, ding!, and there is also an often assumed unspoken word, and that word is "yet". So whilst you think you made it clear, I guess it was interpreted here as "I am not looking for a relationship, yet". That can then open up hope. ->"If I am good, if I play the game well, one day he will turn around and realise he cannot live without me." I think your potential FWB/FB is already assuming "yet". She was going to cook you a meal (her real self talking) and then thought better of it, I guess she then thought that was a step too far for you (not for her), and thus may scare you off, so backed down, this time. Cooking a meal = more time together = getting to know each other better = building a bond. I guess she is waiting to slowly convert you, so I think you already have a problem, IF all you truly want is sex. So whilst you are thinking you made it clear, pure sex and nothing else, she is already thinking FWB but with potential for more. Many women cannot cope with being a FB, as in society we still have a double standard. Men want casual sex, fine and natural - women want casual sex, sluts and whores. So whilst some women nowadays are happy to have casual relationships, there is still a left over nag which is reduced somewhat if there is some feeling introduced. "It suits us both to have casual, but he does care a lot for me too." That can take away the "wham bam thank you ma'am" empty feeling, that can result if a woman feels she is merely being used for sex. BUT sex for women is often bound up in relationships, they cannot help it and that is why it can get complicated pretty quick. Of course, this can be exploited by men, keep her sweet, string her along -> regular sex and it is why we have women coming here saying they have fallen for their FB, heart broken women who thought they were in a real relationship, women wondering if their FB is falling for her, women asking how they can change regular FB sex into a real relationship... etc. 1
Dreamworld Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Ha!! Same! I've had a few FWB where discussing our adventures was a frequent topic of conversation. Even if it was just a case of "yeah,I've been getting laid a lot recently!" or "meh, it's been a bit of a dry run" I think being exclusive on a FWB arrangement defeats the whole point. Come to think of it, like you, maybe we went as long as we did because we were also sleeping with other people. For me, they were all FWB until all of them didnt want to be anymore except for that one guy. Even after my other FWB arrangements crashed and burned he and I were still able to maintain that arrangement. ( he had other FWB that went longer than mine) And we met about once a month. Twice tops. It just became that way, we never discussed it. Oh and we didnt do relationshipy things either. Just stayed within friendship boundaries. A meal together from time to time? A text catching up saying hi from time to time? No holding hands, no going to the movies, no daily interaction, none of that.
central Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 The only rule is honesty. Starting to feel you want more? Talk about it and decide what to do, if anything. Seeing or planning to see others? Same. Boundaries and limits? Same. I've had the same FWB for four years. We have no rules other than honesty, followed by discussion of what to do if necessary. We go on dates, we socialize, we cuddle, occasionally spend the night, have taken breaks while seeing others for possible relationships, and are actually and primarily friends whether or not there are benefits. We have not had problems with wanting more, or if we have, we've discussed it in terms of a polyamorous relationship and not an exclusive relationship. It's actually pretty easy to say what we want and work things out, because as friends we want the best for each other. 1
Author joseb Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 Thanks all for your comments. Fitness fan you brought up something I meant to ask about, sexual exclusivity. I wasn't sure if this was expected, I guess it depends. And, yes, this would be more a fb as we are not friends from before. Elaine, I have a feeling you are onto something. I had the same feeling regarding the dinner, and a general gut feeling that she may be thinking I will change my mind later and want a relationship. I think I will try to have another very clear conversation but I think maybe this one might not work out as a fb because of the reasons you list.
Gaeta Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 FWB IS a relationship. It's a regular friendship relationship with sex (as fitnessfan explained). If I make dinner for my FWB it doesn't mean I am looking to make it a romance. He's my friend, I cook for my friends, I go out with them, I call them, I comfort and support them etc. Anything else that needs rules and regulations is a Fk-buddy.
Author joseb Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 FWB IS a relationship. It's a regular friendship relationship with sex (as fitnessfan explained). If I make dinner for my FWB it doesn't mean I am looking to make it a romance. He's my friend, I cook for my friends, I go out with them, I call them, I comfort and support them etc. Anything else that needs rules and regulations is a Fk-buddy. Yes sorry. This would be a fk buddy.
Brigit_1 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Yes sorry. This would be a fk buddy. Is that what you want?
RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) I've been in a on and off one for around 5 months. The only rule is to stop the moment you get feelings! Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
jen1447 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Ha!! Same! I've had a few FWB where discussing our adventures was a frequent topic of conversation. Even if it was just a case of "yeah,I've been getting laid a lot recently!" or "meh, it's been a bit of a dry run" I think being exclusive on a FWB arrangement defeats the whole point. I even discuss extracurriculars w/my actual BF/GFs. (Tho my situation is admittedly unique.)
Brigit_1 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Hi, yes it is. What makes you prefer this over a real relationship?
Vintage79 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I've had a FB before - just get together, do your business, and leave - it's pretty much hang out for 30-60 minutes, minor foreplay - although do what she needs, otherwise it collapses pretty quick. Bail pretty quick after you're done. No cuddling, spooning, anything after the business - it tends to create a connection. Ideally no kissing - treat her like a prostitute, and you'll be going in the right direction, as prostitute rules are effectively in place to prevent creation of an emotional connection. You want this to seem more like a mutual transaction. No date-like anything, and least when you're fooling around - I repeat, get the heck out of there as fast as you can. I don't think it really matters if it's sexually exclusive, as long as the other person knows, and you're being safe, and letting them know if you've done anything risky. Having other FBs at the same time helps to minimize the emotional connection that they may feel toward you, so it may actually help to preserve the FB relationship.
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