elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I'm I went to my good FRIENDS birthday! !!! I DID NOT go out with other men!!!@!!! I went out for a good male friends birthday. With four people. For a tame night at the casino. I didn't even drink. He said he felt weird about my going out because he thinks I'm beautiful worried about what I I'd do if a cute guy were to hit on me. I reassured him that he was the only guy on my mind. He was fine after that. OK but last time it was JUST dancing with two male neighbours of yours, purely platonic too... Some men DO NOT like their women spending time with other men, even if they are just friends. How many "just friends" here, turn into EAs then PAs... so is it surprising that their imagination can run riot? I know it is 2015 and women are allowed to have close male friends, but some men still struggle with this. I would guess few men, if they were totally honest, would want their wife or SO to have any close male friends at all. This may have been a red flag issue for him, as it proved to be for the man in your last relationship. In the same way most women would pass on a guy who surrounded himself with female "friends". It is all very well being adult, tolerant, understanding and trusting, but it seems to me that so many find their trust is abused. Great having friends of both sexes when everyone is 20 and everyone just wants people to hang about with, but often it is not so great when a woman or man is trying to build a proper relationship with one person. Jealousy rears its ugly head and if this man is a guy with a jealous streak or trust issues, then he has probably learned he is best to stay clear of women with close male friends, for his own sanity. 2
ascendotum Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 or that have a change of heart... indeed, it is incredibly rare that men are honest and straightforward with their partners. Especially since the very beginning. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt... however, I admit, I'm still looking at the corner of my eyes to understand why he's sticking around... but I admit, I'm still half expecting he suggests Leigh to continue having sex outside a RS - that way, the whole "nice guy" behavior would only be a cover up... haven't had much luck with good men, these past 2 years, maybe I'm the one who's jaded, after all . Yeh if he keeps staying in touch with her and suggests a catch up nite out with drinks and then maybe stop by his place afterwards it will show his colors. At this stage he could be genuine or he could be a smooth player. Just because he was sweet & caring to Leigh and showed interest in her life does not mean he is not a really smooth charmer. She had a good time and so did he for 3 weeks, until he started getting scared for his feelings and afraid of getting hurt. It could have used the same ploy the month before on another woman, and do it the next month on another women, and have a year of flings with a bunch of nice women who feel disappointed it didn't work out but still think he was a really swell guy. Maybe thats not his MO at all and he was legit and sad too that it did not work out. We wont know. I do think its legitamite for a guy or woman to date someone for a month and decide its not going to work in the long term for them and break up. I wonder how women would feel though if the next 6 guys they dated did that, or if the guys were not hot looking & successful but more regular guys would they still feel sad but with soft spot still for them.
ascendotum Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Every guy that was overly nice to me after the break up, tried to have sex with me after. Every single one. Okay there you go. Well you're a sexy lady ES..it comes with territory. I guess how shody it seems depends on whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you. If you broke up with them, then I could easily see how they could still be in love with you, and want to stay in touch and hope for more time with you because of their feelings (not just in their crotch). If they dumped you but stayed in touch and them suggested a catch up night out a month or two later with hints of a **** for old times sake, then they are just opportunists.
candie13 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I am all for keeping my friends, including my male friends. Men come and go, my male friends stay - and they give me pretty freakin' awesome advice about men, out there. Bros before hoes, if he hates it, tough luck. I've never kissed or been any other way intimate with my male friends, so no, there is no grey area there. And I do intend and party with my friends, just like I imagine my man might. Without me. It is extra important to keep your independence, while in a RS, without going overboard. I can't stand not having any air to breathe. Leigh was 200% right NOT to put her date in front of her friends. Look at what happened now, the date bailed out on her, what if she would have kicked her own friends at the curb, whom would she be hanging out with now? 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 He told me during the break up that he didn't want to have sex again in a casual capacity. He told me that fwb type deal was strictly off limits to him. He still has feelings that he's trying to get over totally.
Brigit_1 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 He told me during the break up that he didn't want to have sex again in a casual capacity. He told me that fwb type deal was strictly off limits to him. He still has feelings that he's trying to get over totally. Leigh you know him, we don't. If you feel he was genuine then maybe he was. What matters most is that you begin to heal from the break up and start dating others ASAP. This relationship was too short for you to sit around and wait to recover. Go out tonight and look hot as hell. You're a beautiful girl. Don't waste it. 1
katiegrl Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) He told me during the break up that he didn't want to have sex again in a casual capacity. He told me that fwb type deal was strictly off limits to him. ***He still has feelings that he's trying to get over totally****. Leigh hon, if he still has feelings (for you) that he is trying to get over, then why did he break up with you? You had only been dating him three short weeks, it takes a LONG time for a man (or woman) to decide if their partner is "wife-worthy" or "husband-worthy." A long long time....... way longer than three weeks!! It is absolutely ludicrous to believe that he dumped you because he did not think he could marry you after only dating you THREE WEEKS! That is crazy thinking. Especially since by his own admission, he still has feeling for you!!! Can you not see how utterly absurd that sounds? I don't know what the hell is going on with him, but what is more than obvious at this point is that he is either completely full of shyt and was (still is!) playing you.......or he has deep deep fears relating to intimacy and commitment, and you just dodged a MAJOR bullitt! I would suggest you go no contact and move on (emotionally and mentally). Say goodbye to this thread and stop talking about him (and TO him) and idealizing him. Doing so is only keeping you *stuck* and preventing you from letting go and moving on. Good luck hon. Edited July 21, 2015 by katiegrl 5
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 He still has feelings that he's trying to get over totally. Something is WRONG with this man. When you have feelings for someone and even just a little bit of feelings after 3 weeks, which is NORMAL, YOU BUILD ON THEM. He is full of BS. He got what he wanted and he's ready to go to next, that's all. He's one of those players that enjoys playing the 'romance game'. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Something is WRONG with this man. When you have feelings for someone and even just a little bit of feelings after 3 weeks, which is NORMAL, YOU BUILD ON THEM. He is full of BS. He got what he wanted and he's ready to go to next, that's all. He's one of those players that enjoys playing the 'romance game'. Exactly. His reasons don't add up. You don't break up with someone and then try to get past feelings. Come on, now. Leigh, you know better than that, girl.
introverted1 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Harsh words for this guy. Am I the only one here who has dated someone, found myself drawn to them on some level, but also discovered -- fairly early on -- certain behaviors or values that were deal-breakers? Isn't it possible that this guy observed in the OP certain attributes that he knew wouldn't make a good match for him in the long haul? Perhaps he phrased it awkwardly by saying she wasn't "wife" material, but does that invalidate what happened? Isn't it possible to be attracted to someone, even to care about them, but also to recognize that, once the limerance (or whatever you want to call it) has worn off, you won't find this person a suitable partner for a lifetime? 4
katiegrl Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Harsh words for this guy. Am I the only one here who has dated someone, found myself drawn to them on some level, but also discovered -- fairly early on -- certain behaviors or values that were deal-breakers? Isn't it possible that this guy observed in the OP certain attributes that he knew wouldn't make a good match for him in the long haul? Perhaps he phrased it awkwardly by saying she wasn't "wife" material, but does that invalidate what happened? Isn't it possible to be attracted to someone, even to care about them, but also to recognize that, once the limerance (or whatever you want to call it) has worn off, you won't find this person a suitable partner for a lifetime? Yes, and when that happens you say goodbye and move on. You DON'T keep contacting the person, continue telling them you have feelings for them, or that you miss them, start crying, etc. Like this bozo is doing. Don't you agree? 2
ascendotum Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Yes, and when that happens you say goodbye and move on. You DON'T keep contacting the person, continue telling them you have feelings for them, or that you miss them, start crying, etc. Like this bozo is doing. Don't you agree? Actually I still think its possible. Maybe you are very attracted to a person and find them lovable, but maybe you find their ambitions in life fall short of yours, or maybe they don't agree with you on having children or how to raise them, or maybe they are a bit too immature or maybe too serious in nature for you to feel compatible in the long term. With this guy things played out a bit funny. I thought in her early thread on this guy he said he was not looking for anything serious, then 3 weeks later he rejected her for not being wife material and is also scared of getting hurt. I suspect he likes flings. 2
KatZee Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Hey, at least you got closure and a honest response from this guy. He didn't see it working out long term, not unusual at all. Be glad he didn't lead you on. It's a blow to the ego, but better now than years down the line. Imagine meeting someone you think is cool, you date for a couple MONTHS an then instead of having the respect and courtesy of telling you they don't see it working, they just fall off the earth and act like you're a piece of garbage. It definitely sucks though. 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Be said he did feel very strongly about me but he felt scared and he wasn't sure if his feelings were ENOUGH for a relationship. It wasn't that lacked feelings altogether. He just had a gut feeling that maybe they weren't enough. I think he did the right thing. He isn't blowing up my phone. He just texted the first two days to ask if I was OK. I do not believe he'll use me for sex. Nor do I believe that he did.
introverted1 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Yes, and when that happens you say goodbye and move on. You DON'T keep contacting the person, continue telling them you have feelings for them, or that you miss them, start crying, etc. Like this bozo is doing. Don't you agree? Katie, yes, I agree that this is optimal. But people often do sub-optimal things, especially when they are younger. I think he did the right thing. He isn't blowing up my phone. He just texted the first two days to ask if I was OK. People here were calling him a sociopath and other things that seemed pretty harsh to me, considering that he really didn't do anything so awful, imo. Yea, it would have been better not to text Leigh at all after he broke things off, but two days of texting doth not a sociopath make. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 And let's be real here... He IS a very attractive, 8/10 guy.... He also has a great personality and a great job. So it's very ppossible that he just didn't see me as a woman he could go all crazy over and totally feel like he struck gold with. Maybe he wasn't totally attracted? I know he was very attracted but men like him can afford to wait out for girls that they are at that next level with in terms of passion and chemistry. For instance, my good friend partner had WILD and RAGING, totally intense chemistry and sexual attraction for. I was a girl he was obviously eexcited about dating (his actions made that loud and clear) but he may have realized that he wasn't going to fall all silly and head over heels for me AT THAT level. ... Either way, it's likely that he left out the real triggers for breaking things off because he didn't want to hurt me more. The sad truth is, if a man is over the moon totally enamored with a girl, he'll stick around. This man came across as very soft hearted from day one. Just a very kind hearted man. So of course it is sad when he becomes close to a girl and looks forward to her texts and dates and falling asleep in each others arms, only to cease all physical contact a day dates the daily good morning and goodnight texts. I really wish him the best and hope he meets a girl he is crazy about. It sure wasn't me! 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 I've broken it off with men because I suddenly realized that they just weren't attractive enough for me. But like I would actually be honest in such cases. No one deserves to be told some of the real reasons as to why they are suddenly single. I am happy this didn't drag on for months. Most men would have strung me along and used me for sex whilst also shagging others. Because this guy wasn't a sociopath, he couldn't falsely maintain that we were happily dating...... I am so thrilled that for once, I was strung along, lied to and disappeared on! It's very refreshing to just be dumped outright once the guy realized he was not that into me!
SummerSkies Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) I am so thrilled that for once, I was strung along, lied to and disappeared on! It's very refreshing to just be dumped outright once the guy realized he was not that into me! Hi Leigh, I don't really know your background but I felt compelled to say something, as reading this post here really struck a chord with me. I say this with respect and not to be snide, but wouldn't it be better for yourself, for your own health and confidence, that you instead are able to say things like, "I'm so thrilled that for once I realized I was being strung along, lied to... and dumped that guy!" The way you worded this post really seemed to embody a certain attitude and outlook that, for your own sake in the dating world, could be improved upon. Most people at some point will run into those kinds of people you speak of, but the thing is to kick them to the curb before it gets to the point of them using and stringing along. I know sometimes it happens anyway, because some people do hide things and pretend, but I didn't get that general feeling here from your post that this is all you've experienced before. I'm sorry if this is too off topic from the thread, and also if I'm off base -- and if I am, just excuse what I said. But just something that may be worth thinking about? Edited July 22, 2015 by SummerSkies
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Oooh ... That's horrible. I swear, people are so self centered it's unbelievable. And chances are you barely knew one another and he's making some kind of a judgment about you like that?! You're better off. Truly you are. What do you mean by this?? :confused: Why is he "self centered" because he broke it off when he realized they weren't going to have a future together??? Why do you say he is making a "judgement" about her?? I am sorry Leigh I am sure this hurts. But I have to say this guy did the stand up thing by breaking up when he knew, instead of maybe keeping her around because she was so into him and other crappy things like that. Sorry Leigh. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 How long did you two date? Love doesn't happen overnight.. sounds like he was playing you. WHY do you people say things like this???!?! These are a couple of people who dated FOR TWO FREAKING WEEKS. Leigh is hurt because he chose to end it. There is nothing in this story that tells us he was playing her is a squirrel or a committmentphobe or ANYTHING. For whatever reasons it was not going the way he needed it to go and he called it off and now Leigh's feelings are hurt and she needs support!! But let's not be putting a bunch of stuff on this guy oK:bunny: 3
fireflywy Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Oh I am fine. Thanks soooo much for the support. I am just bummed that ALL the men I have amazing MUTUAL Chemistry with, are never the right ones. And now I know it's not just unavailable jerks that generate the butterflies. This guy was SO kind. Never had to doubt his interest. I knew when something was up though that last day he changed his mind about me. Are you sure its chemistry or is it just because he was "hot", "intelligent", and "successful"? Sometimes, we become to enamored with the visual that we create things that aren't there because we are desperate to hold onto the external and the material. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Yes, and when that happens you say goodbye and move on. You DON'T keep contacting the person, continue telling them you have feelings for them, or that you miss them, start crying, etc. Like this bozo is doing. Don't you agree? You do if you still want to fu*k them...IMHO
Brigit_1 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 And let's be real here... He IS a very attractive, 8/10 guy.... He also has a great personality and a great job. So it's very ppossible that he just didn't see me as a woman he could go all crazy over and totally feel like he struck gold with. Maybe he wasn't totally attracted? I know he was very attracted but men like him can afford to wait out for girls that they are at that next level with in terms of passion and chemistry. For instance, my good friend partner had WILD and RAGING, totally intense chemistry and sexual attraction for. I was a girl he was obviously eexcited about dating (his actions made that loud and clear) but he may have realized that he wasn't going to fall all silly and head over heels for me AT THAT level. ... Either way, it's likely that he left out the real triggers for breaking things off because he didn't want to hurt me more. The sad truth is, if a man is over the moon totally enamored with a girl, he'll stick around. This man came across as very soft hearted from day one. Just a very kind hearted man. So of course it is sad when he becomes close to a girl and looks forward to her texts and dates and falling asleep in each others arms, only to cease all physical contact a day dates the daily good morning and goodnight texts. I really wish him the best and hope he meets a girl he is crazy about. It sure wasn't me! If he doesn't contact you for sex then he was a nice person. Is he still contacting you and saying he has feelings?
confuzed23 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Sounds like a socipath to me, sorry you got hurt in the process But you are better off without someone like that.
Timshel Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Sounds like a socipath to me, sorry you got hurt in the process But you are better off without someone like that. It would be great if any person without proper education would stop saying this. A professional hesitates to make this diagnosis. As far as this thread, I have don't believe a single word. It is contrived and attention seeking. All of it. 1
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