Brigit_1 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 No Enigma stop givin away our secrets. Fu*kin cock blocker! Giving away secrets on Loveshack is good karma.
Gaeta Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Sorry but I believe he is a really nice guy. Sweetie it's too fresh for you to have an objective look on him and what happened. Let the dust fall then you'll see clear in his game. He is probably addicted to new relationship energy going from rush to rush. Not wife material after 3 weeks dating? pppttff !! After 1 month dating the best is just starting. 4
empresario Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Quick story: One time I broke up a marriage. I know, I know, dick move. Well, it was because my girlfriend cheated on me with a married man. I wanted his wife (who had JUST had his kid) to know what she was dealing with. You know why she was shocked and why it took her by surprise? Because sociopaths/narcissists are good at compartmentalizing. He was great to his (now ex) wife and she was living a fairy-tale marriage. He also was using my girlfriend of the time for sex but had her convinced he loved her too. I also found out he had at least 2 other women on the side as well. He was attractive, successful (a doctor), and genuinely nice to the women he was courting. Yet he lied to all of them and either made them think he was single or manipulated them into not caring or that his marriage was so awful. My girlfriend at the time was convinced he loved her. Because 'he cried' when she originally broke it off with him (right when her and I got serious...but that's a longer story). However, when his wife confronted him about the affair she told me he 'admitted it only when there was proof...and in the most cold, lifeless way she has never seen him or another human being act'. These people are good liars. I'm not saying this is one of those guys. But be prepared that it may be. Always be guarded. He may have gotten your flesh and your time, but don't sign over your heart/soul. 5
Brigit_1 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Quick story: One time I broke up a marriage. I know, I know, dick move. Well, it was because my girlfriend cheated on me with a married man. I wanted his wife (who had JUST had his kid) to know what she was dealing with. You know why she was shocked and why it took her by surprise? Because sociopaths/narcissists are good at compartmentalizing. He was great to his (now ex) wife and she was living a fairy-tale marriage. He also was using my girlfriend of the time for sex but had her convinced he loved her too. I also found out he had at least 2 other women on the side as well. He was attractive, successful (a doctor), and genuinely nice to the women he was courting. Yet he lied to all of them and either made them think he was single or manipulated them into not caring or that his marriage was so awful. My girlfriend at the time was convinced he loved her. Because 'he cried' when she originally broke it off with him (right when her and I got serious...but that's a longer story). However, when his wife confronted him about the affair she told me he 'admitted it only when there was proof...and in the most cold, lifeless way she has never seen him or another human being act'. These people are good liars. I'm not saying this is one of those guys. But be prepared that it may be. Always be guarded. He may have gotten your flesh and your time, but don't sign over your heart/soul. I've learned to spot sociopaths at a young age. My dad is one. It doesn't mean I wasn't hurt by men. It just means I have great sociopath radar. This is why when it came to relationships I ALWAYS picked "nice guys." I understood their value. 2
hotpotato Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Is there another woman? People usually dont change their tune,so fast unless they have another branch to swing to. Im sorry this happened to you, leigh. If i see him in the streets, ill kick him in the nutz for you. In the first few months most people want fun, not a potential wife or hubby. Something stinks here... 2
GemmaUK Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 This is like 2-3 weeks? Big player alert going off here. He is coming out with ridiculous stuff at that stage! Good grief! Tears too? Really?
Joaquin Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 May not exactly apply to your situation but lots of good looking guys will date down but with the intention of nothing serious. My female friends who date a lot on OLD or even from meeting guys out & about seem to date quite a few good looking & successful guys that they have fond memories of but none of them were getting LTRs. Its far an away flings and FWBs. Not being nasty to you & I don't know the reason it didn't work out, but sure a good looking guy will give lots of women a chance if there is no commitment & sex. If the guy is good he will be charming and will show the women a good time and leave her feeling good, but will have an exit strategy in place. A few I've known will sabotage the budding relationship so the woman will never have realized he was not looking for anything serious. They only know the guy superficially. Hey average looking guys can still do the same, but less inclined if they think they struck it good with the woman. . I agree. A guy that can change like a light bulb being switched off was never that into having a relationship. Something wasn't working for him but he'll stick around for a bit of fun. That is until it starts getting too heavy or involved or something better comes along. 1
vagabonder Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I rarely post in these forums (although lurk more often) but felt compelled to reply to this one. I totally get why you feel disappointed. I totally get why you believe this man to be genuine and honest. I totally get it because this reminds me so so much of how my ex-husband broke up with me while were dating. I fell for his tears and sadness. Eventually he came back around, we were married for 7 beautiful years. And then when he turned on me, he was diagnosed by his psychologist as a severe narcissist (his doctor told me privately). I'm sorry, Leigh. The world of dating is hard and frustrating. But count yourself lucky to be out of this one. 1
Mrin Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Don't know if this helps the conversation but two thoughts come to mind with Leigh's story: Satisficer vs. Maximizer thinking: Are you a satisficer or a maximizer? | Gretchen Rubin Limerence: Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction | David Sack, M.D. NOTE: I live in mortal fear of falling prey to limerence. I am pretty sure I have a pre-existing susceptibility to it.
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 He was all caught up in the moment - he wanted exclusive from the get go. He saw potential. THEN you again go out with another man, (just like the last time I may add) and his idea of "wife material" went up in a puff of smoke. From wonderful and special, you went down in his estimation to just another idiotic, self absorbed girl chasing other men because she can. I know this multi-dating culture is the norm, but sometimes, good old respect for the feelings of those who want exclusivity and to be dating only one person at a time, needs taken into consideration. I'm I went to my good FRIENDS birthday! !!! I DID NOT go out with other men!!!@!!! I went out for a good male friends birthday. With four people. For a tame night at the casino. I didn't even drink. He said he felt weird about my going out because he thinks I'm beautiful worried about what I I'd do if a cute guy were to hit on me. I reassured him that he was the only guy on my mind. He was fine after that.
Keenly Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 If it's not there for him, it's not there. But now you know men like him Exist. Keep looking. 6
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 It's very common and straight forward what happened. .. When we met, the chemistry was through the roof. We were both flooded with the happy and excited feelings. We clicked. We could talk effortlessly for hours and he found my odd meanerisms to be endearing. Then one day he realized that aside from the chemistry and the fact he liked my personality he didn't feel strongly enough to envision being in a relationship with me. This happens all the time. The initial fireworks are great but often short lived; it makes men and women very excited initially, but once the true personalities come to surface, two people often just don't mesh in the way you would have hoped for. I truly feel that this guy had the best of intentions. He did shed a tear or two because we had bonded. We talked for hours prior to meeting and we clicked very smoothly and we were both just super excited about dating when questions did meet a day or two after our initial phone conversation, and the in person chemistry was also through the roof. We all get excited over great chemistry. It made him and I both blush and it was evident to all in the room that we had a "crush" on one another. ..... The initial spark, like this latest man of mine realized, IS NOT enough to go on. Nor is it any indicator of a successful relationship. We had sparks. Then he felt our personalities didn't mesh as well as he thought ( his words ). 3
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 The thing that worries me about this situation is the fact that he broke things off, but keeps talking. I could see if he was dating Leigh for years and it was tough to let go, but a short term thing broken off? Screams of using a girl for sex. Especially the fact that he brought up the sex life being good. That's just classic. "Oh, we can't be together for xyz reasons, but the sex was great!" The thing that bothers me the most about this is the fact that he put this off on Leigh when he broke things off. Most nice, well intentioned people understand that getting dumped sucks, so to take some of the sting out of it, they take the blame themselves. I know I would. I would tell a woman I wasn't ready for a relationship, or I was still sore from a bad breakup, anything like that. I would never break things off with a girl and tell her she wasn't wife material, not unless she really pissed me off. And if I was that angry, I wouldn't keep talking to There might be some truth to this. I don't date women who multi-date while they are seeing me. I would break things off the moment I found out she met with another guy. But I didn't meet with another guy.... Two of my male friends had birthdays that I attended. GROUP scenarios... I felt sick and left one of the birthdays nearly immediately so the following day or so, I asked the birthday boy to come hang out since I didn't manage to talk to him at his birthday gathering. My guy at the time said he felt funny about me hanging out along with my friend. Who I may add, has always been totally platonic. He just wanted reassurance. After I reassured him, he said he was fine and he acted fine. I did nothing wrong. I am not ditching long time male friends for any guy.
Brigit_1 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 The thing that worries me about this situation is the fact that he broke things off, but keeps talking. I could see if he was dating Leigh for years and it was tough to let go, but a short term thing broken off? Screams of using a girl for sex. Especially the fact that he brought up the sex life being good. That's just classic. "Oh, we can't be together for xyz reasons, but the sex was great!" I would never break things off with a girl and tell her she wasn't wife material, not unless she really pissed me off. And if I was that angry, I wouldn't keep talking to her. He's setting the stage for what he wants. He lowers her self-esteem by telling her she isn't good enough to marry but yet he showers her with compliments about the sex to get her to think "hmmm...if I just fu*k him really good maybe he'll change his mind about me and I'll become wife material." I don't like this guy. 2
Brigit_1 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 It's very common and straight forward what happened. .. When we met, the chemistry was through the roof. We were both flooded with the happy and excited feelings. We clicked. We could talk effortlessly for hours and he found my odd meanerisms to be endearing. Then one day he realized that aside from the chemistry and the fact he liked my personality he didn't feel strongly enough to envision being in a relationship with me. This happens all the time. The initial fireworks are great but often short lived; it makes men and women very excited initially, but once the true personalities come to surface, two people often just don't mesh in the way you would have hoped for. I truly feel that this guy had the best of intentions. He did shed a tear or two because we had bonded. We talked for hours prior to meeting and we clicked very smoothly and we were both just super excited about dating when questions did meet a day or two after our initial phone conversation, and the in person chemistry was also through the roof. We all get excited over great chemistry. It made him and I both blush and it was evident to all in the room that we had a "crush" on one another. ..... The initial spark, like this latest man of mine realized, IS NOT enough to go on. Nor is it any indicator of a successful relationship. We had sparks. Then he felt our personalities didn't mesh as well as he thought ( his words ). Did you talk about marriage? Did he say "I want kids" and you said "I don't." In order for any of this to make sense a BIG deal breaker like that would need to be involved. 1
clia Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I think people are way overreacting. Calling this guy a sociopath? Are you serious? Leigh explained it well above. This was a two week "relationship." He met Leigh, like her a lot, decided to focus on her, and then it didn't work out. No harm, no foul. That's what dating is all about. Leigh gets it. I don't see him as being a bad guy based on the information that Leigh has given us. If anything, he has been completely up front with her about everything right from the beginning. 7
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Did you talk about marriage? Did he say "I want kids" and you said "I don't." In order for any of this to make sense a BIG deal breaker like that would need to be involved. He said he doesn't have enough feelings to consider something serious with me. He also said that he only dates women if the feelings are strong enough to warrant a relationship. He doesn't date women for the hell of it. He needs to feel something really special and the capacity for strong feelings. I am the same. I need to be super excited about his texts and calls after the first date. I need to feel sparks and the type of strong chemistry that makes one happy and excited about dating them. Him nor I believe in slowly growing into loving. We both prefer the surge of strong feelings early on like some lucky couples with the sparks, start out with. He was the feeling strong emotions. But because of the initial chemistry, he felt he did for fee first few dates. After a while, he could see it was all chemistry based a small that he didn't feel strongly about me as a person in a romantic sense. .. Him and I are the same. We both need to feel the butterflies and spark. We need to fall hard for a partner rather than a lukewarm " oh well they are so nice so maybe we can build something nice " I have also been in this guy's position. I THOUGHT I felt sparks with a guy. Turns out, I didn't ! I was just bored and lonely and yearned for the sparks and that giddy with excitement feeling again. After the first date I totally lost my spark. It was out of desperation that I initially felt so excited.
Author Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 I think people are way overreacting. Calling this guy a sociopath? Are you serious? Leigh explained it well above. This was a two week "relationship." He met Leigh, like her a lot, decided to focus on her, and then it didn't work out. No harm, no foul. That's what dating is all about. Leigh gets it. I don't see him as being a bad guy based on the information that Leigh has given us. If anything, he has been completely up front with her about everything right from the beginning. I also felt really good the entire way through. I felt very wanted and desired. He took a keen interest in me and my life. Although he wasn't the type of guy who declared how amazingly beautiful a girl is every hour, or the type of guy who wanted to rush into a relationship straight away, he did make me feel like he was delighted with my appearance and personality. And at least he made me feel special enough to date exclusively rather than getting around with other women. I was totally thrilled. He was such a kind hearted man. I loved the type of person he was. He was so Un judgmental, compassionate and down to earth. He was a hot lecturer with a PHD and MANY publications....and yet he didn't have a hint of ego. He honest thought that he was just an ordinary guy. He was a breath of fresh air from the full of themselves AVERAGE dudes who turned their noses up at me and treated me like dirt. This guy was well ability above average look wise yet he demonstrated a far more down to earth person a than the typical average guy I usually date. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I also felt really good the entire way through. I felt very wanted and desired. He took a keen interest in me and my life. Although he wasn't the type of guy who declared how amazingly beautiful a girl is every hour, or the type of guy who wanted to rush into a relationship straight away, he did make me feel like he was delighted with my appearance and personality. And at least he made me feel special enough to date exclusively rather than getting around with other women. I was totally thrilled. He was such a kind hearted man. I loved the type of person he was. He was so Un judgmental, compassionate and down to earth. He was a hot lecturer with a PHD and MANY publications....and yet he didn't have a hint of ego. He honest thought that he was just an ordinary guy. He was a breath of fresh air from the full of themselves AVERAGE dudes who turned their noses up at me and treated me like dirt. This guy was well ability above average look wise yet he demonstrated a far more down to earth person a than the typical average guy I usually date. Look, I wasn't there I'm only reading your posts and giving you my thoughts on what transpired. He might be just a nice man seeking a wife. In any case, he's not the one. Keep going out and meeting new people. Eventually, you'll find a man who wants to rip your clothes off and marry you.
regine_phalange Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I think people are way overreacting. Calling this guy a sociopath? Are you serious? Leigh explained it well above. This was a two week "relationship." He met Leigh, like her a lot, decided to focus on her, and then it didn't work out. No harm, no foul. That's what dating is all about. Leigh gets it. I don't see him as being a bad guy based on the information that Leigh has given us. If anything, he has been completely up front with her about everything right from the beginning. Omg, I also think that the characterisations got out of hand. It doesn't matter how big or small a relationship is. As long as it was exclusive and he treated her with respect (he even did an STI test!), I don't think he did something bad. It happens that people change their minds. And he has guts for telling Leigh the truth. Not all people would say that. So rightfully Leigh thinks highly of him. 2
candie13 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Did you talk about marriage? Did he say "I want kids" and you said "I don't." In order for any of this to make sense a BIG deal breaker like that would need to be involved. I've instantly left a perfectly good RS of 5 months because the guy casually told me he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married again. See... you fck around with stuff like that and I disappear. Did you tell him flat out that you didn't want children? That would cross you out immediately, of course the guy would leave, if children are important to him... Leigh, I am a huge overthinker, but it's also allowed me to understand what my pattern is, why I keep fcking up RS. Or at least get a glimpse into it. Do you know? Do you understand what your role is in these break ups? Ok, sometimes it's them, but it's never really only them, you have to have a role, even a tiny little one... you know what that is?
candie13 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Omg, I also think that the characterisations got out of hand. It doesn't matter how big or small a relationship is. As long as it was exclusive and he treated her with respect (he even did an STI test!), I don't think he did something bad. It happens that people change their minds. And he has guts for telling Leigh the truth. Not all people would say that. So rightfully Leigh thinks highly of him. or that have a change of heart... indeed, it is incredibly rare that men are honest and straightforward with their partners. Especially since the very beginning. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt... however, I admit, I'm still looking at the corner of my eyes to understand why he's sticking around... but I admit, I'm still half expecting he suggests Leigh to continue having sex outside a RS - that way, the whole "nice guy" behavior would only be a cover up... haven't had much luck with good men, these past 2 years, maybe I'm the one who's jaded, after all . 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 or that have a change of heart... indeed, it is incredibly rare that men are honest and straightforward with their partners. Especially since the very beginning. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt... however, I admit, I'm still looking at the corner of my eyes to understand why he's sticking around... but I admit, I'm still half expecting he suggests Leigh to continue having sex outside a RS - that way, the whole "nice guy" behavior would only be a cover up... haven't had much luck with good men, these past 2 years, maybe I'm the one who's jaded, after all . I think it's a wait and see thing. If he want's to turn her into a girl he just has sex with than he wasn't a nice guy to begin with.
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Leigh, I get a big 'weak' vibe from this man. His whole explanation of not feeling you as wife material in 3 weeks, butterflies shortly dying, crying when breaking up, keeping contact with you to ease his guilt (don't kid yourself), it's all very emotionally immature and weak. Pardon my language but all this would have my vagina dry up. He would lose his 'male' appeal to me. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Every guy that was overly nice to me after the break up, tried to have sex with me after. Every single one. 6
Recommended Posts