stickyspot Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Hi everyone, This is a bit of a long one but thanks in advance to anyone that sticks with it long enough to give me some much needed advice. In short I'm having serious attraction issues to my girlfriend of 2.5 years. We're both 27. So the story goes she was initially a friend that I never really considered as a gf just because she wasn't really my type physically. She wasn't fat, but just generally chubbier than the girls I'd normally date. Yeah I'm happy to admit I'm pretty shallow. She's definitely attractive though. Regardless we eventually got really close before I knew it we were dating. Why I decided to date her initially came down to, I was having a really tough time being single, it had been about 2 years since I had a proper relationship, and in the time that I'd known her she was a lovely person. So I essentially went for the 'ok looks, amazing personality aspect'. We actually did long distance for the first year as we did live in different cities. She continued to prove she was an amazing person with an unselfish, kind and giving personality. Which to this day I still think she has. Unfortunately because of the initial attraction issue I never really got comfortable in the relationship. A year later I decided, screw it stop being a shallow prick and go move to where she is have a proper relationship with her. And so I did, and that's when the problems started. Over time she actually became more attractive. She lost some weight and starting living a healthier lifestyle. That was entirely due to me though because that's the type of lifestyle I have. So that was great but I still couldn't get past something. This is going to sound extremely shallow but she still has a bit of a belly that sticks out which really really bugs me no matter how hard I try not to be shallow about. I feel that there has to be a bigger issue than that though because anyone would look at her and say she looks amazing. Anyway 2 years in and I'm still uncomfortable. I'm constantly anxious and and by now that's translated into countless fights about nothing. Almost like I'm sabotaging the relationship because I'm still not 100% attracted to her. and here we are 2.5 years in and we live together and fighting almost weekly now. I'm still not comfortable and seeing her in general still gives me anxiety about my attraction to her. We've had fights about my commitment now because she wants marriage and babies so badly. Which is entirely fair given that she's 27 now. But obviously the thought of that just freaks me out even more given how I feel now. In terms of sex life we do it maybe 2 times a week, 3 times on a good week. Which isn't bad by any means but I feel like I constantly have to psych myself up for it. It's not natural. I don't want to just tear her clothes of and be completely passionate with her. It's more like, oh crap we haven't had sex in a few days I should probably get my **** together and do it tonight. It's almost like a choir. And it's not that I don't enjoy it, i just don't feel that amazing passionate feeling with her. And I guess the biggest problem is..i never really did. I'm so torn because on one hand she's an amazing person. She's kind, generous, smart, completely unselfish and would do absolutely anything for me. One side of me says stop being such a shallow selfish prick and marry this amazing girl. Your both 27, stop wasting time and get on with it. Forget the attraction thing you'll grow to love her and the family you have together. On the other hand there's the fact that I don't feel any passionate sexual feelings for her. Which means there's a serious lack of chemistry. I don't know if that's a real thing but maybe she's not the type of girl that gets me going. Which is true, if I were to think about my ideal girl physically, it would look nothing like her. I obviously made a big mistake in starting to date her 2.5 years ago. Now she's 27 and because of how badly she wants kids and marriage I feel really guilty about breaking up with her. I'm also so worried I'll regret it. Sorry for the size of this. I may be coming of as completely shallow, which may be true. But any advice really appreciated.
MrMeh Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 You've wasted 2.5 years of her life. Please end it with her and start working on yourself. Can't believe people stoop to this level just because they're lonely. 7
babycakees Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I really feel bad for your girlfriend. She will always feel like she wasted so much time being with you. 2
joseb Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 The absolute worst reason to get into a relationship : you are having a hard time being single. Look, there is no point wasting any more of your lives in this. Break up with her now before she wastes more time with someone who doesn't appreciate her. Especially since she wants kids. Give her the chance to find someone to do that with. 4
Satu Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Let her go so that she can find a man who will love her. 3
Perrier Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Hi everyone, Yeah I'm happy to admit I'm pretty shallow..... I was having a really tough time being single, it had been about 2 years since I had a proper relationship, and in the time that I'd known her she was a lovely person. She continued to prove she was an amazing person with an unselfish, kind and giving personality. Unfortunately because of the initial attraction issue I never really got comfortable in the relationship. Over time she actually became more attractive. She lost some weight and starting living a healthier lifestyle. Anyway 2 years in and I'm still uncomfortable. I'm constantly anxious and and by now that's translated into countless fights about nothing. Almost like I'm sabotaging the relationship because I'm still not 100% attracted to her. We've had fights about my commitment now because she wants marriage and babies so badly. Which is entirely fair given that she's 27 now. But obviously the thought of that just freaks me out even more given how I feel now. It's more like, oh crap we haven't had sex in a few days I should probably get my **** together and do it tonight. It's almost like a choir. One side of me says stop being such a shallow selfish prick and marry this amazing girl. Your both 27, stop wasting time and get on with it. Forget the attraction thing you'll grow to love her and the family you have together. On the other hand there's the fact that I don't feel any passionate sexual feelings for her. Which means there's a serious lack of chemistry. I obviously made a big mistake in starting to date her 2.5 years ago. Now she's 27 and because of how badly she wants kids and marriage I feel really guilty about breaking up with her. I'm also so worried I'll regret it. OP you got into this r'ship for the wrong reasons. Your gf has improved her looks and life and you say she's a great person. The decent thing to do would be to come clean and let her find someone who appreciates her and whom she can have a real future with. That last bolded part should be the the first reason you cut her loose. 1
Amalyn Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Please break up with your girlfriend. You are holding her back from finding true love. This is just an incredibly sad story all around. You wasted your time & hers. 3
xcupid Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 This is sad and I feel for you and your girlfriend. She is going to be shattered. it's time to talk to her. You owe her that much at least. Good luck.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 End it ASAP. Both she and you will be far better off in time. My last relationship was with a guy who clearly wasn't over the moon about me, and deep down I could always tell and I always felt something was missing. A year and a half later, I'm now with a man who gets hard just from looking at me across the room, who tells me every day how beautiful and sexy I am, how much he loves me. I'm a million times happier with him, and I'm SO glad I left the guy who didn't adore me. And we're still distantly friendly. I just got a nice birthday card in the mail from him, and emailed to thank him. We're better as friends than we were lovers. 3
regine_phalange Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 And what are you waiting for? The surprise? 1
Joaquin Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 You made a mistake. Loads of people do it at one time or another. Try and tell themselves not to be shallow. Try and talk themselves into falling in love! Just move on and let her find someone that is really into her. And she will. And you need to make sure you don't settle for this sort of fake shyt again. Find a girl that really excites you from the get go. Be a bit patient. Keep looking.
Leigh 87 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 The truth is, you may never find a girl who you adore and who you feel strong attraction for. Most people don't get to marry someone who they're wildly attracted to. Most people's partner is not the best see that they have ever had. And importantly, are you willing to risk being single for life of you don't ever manage to find a girl that you ARE really passionate about sexually. Do you want to learn to make the most of what you have and just accept that pangs of wishing to feel super attracted to your partner will be common ? Personally, I am opting to remain single. Because I can tell find a guy I am super into and totally attracted to, to date me. I have tried giving guys a go who I wasn't super excited about sexually. I didn't enjoy having lackluster sex where I didn't feel anything. I hated that I didn't love making out with them..so, I am opting to remain single for life because I know it's not likely that I'll land a guy that I have ever amazing sexually chemistry with. I am going to just have passionate flings with the men who I am attracted to. I urge you to adopt my method over "settling"
Joaquin Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I don't think wild super etc. attraction and sex is necessary. Just being attracted and generally fancying the person would suffice for most normal people. Of course if you can pull the total hotties, good on you. 1
casey.lives Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 i think that if it makes you create distance by picking fights.. it's pretty bad. Every woman on this planet has a beautiful spirit.. things like this destroy her. Don't jump into relationships for random reasons. Do it because she is the mother of your children and the woman you can cherish with ease.
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