wendydarling Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Hi, everyone. This is my first post ever here! I need advice because I am very confused and I don't know what to do. My (now) ex and I were together for just shy of a year. We were set up by two people, one who knows me very well and one who knows him very well. They realized that we both had so much in common, gave us each other's numbers, and voila. He is the first guy that I've ever loved (although I've been in a couple of prior relationships), and honestly I could see myself marrying him one day. I'm not the only one, either -- so many people, including people that I only knew through him, have asked me when the wedding is. Everything was going so well. The day before the breakup occurred, he asked me if we had any plans the following weekend. I had absolutely no idea that anything bad was going to happen, no indication that it was coming. The next day, he randomly informed me that he has been struggling lately because he feels a disconnection from me. He then said that this is not specific to me, but he instead has felt a disconnection from previous girlfriends but also friendships in general. He doesn't know what causes it. He then told me that he loves and cares about me so much, and then...broke up with me. After breaking up with me, he stayed at my house for 4 hours and then wanted to drive me to school the next day. He held my hand multiple times the next day, told me how pretty I am, kept trying to make plans with things that he wanted us to do in the near future. For the next 3 weeks, we continued meeting and discussing getting back together. He kept giving me mixed signals, kissed me a few times, told me many times that he loves me, misses me, wants me back but in addition to the disconnection issue, he also wants to go traveling and that he doesn't think it's fair to be with anyone. There are many things going on in his life that I don't want to share because it's not my business to, but basically he is very unhappy with his life and I honestly feel like he is having a quarter-life crisis/grass is greener syndrome. He wants to travel and find himself, but these problems making him unhappy are within him, and I know that "running away" isn't going to solve anything, as the problems aren't going to go away. I also know that this is something he has to learn for himself. He finally told me on Friday that his travel plans are looking very doable, and then he told me that he doesn't think he should be in a relationship. He's also said that he loves me and cares about me and wants to stay in my life. But I can't do it. I can't keep getting these mixed signals and driving myself crazy. At the same time, this NC is driving me crazy, too! Basically, I am very confused as to why he broke up with me...I'm not even 100% sure that HE knows why. I'm confused why he's giving me mixed signals and wanting me to stay in his life and telling me he loves me and misses me but then ultimately decided he can't do it. I'm so confused by everything!
CarrieT Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I'm not even 100% sure that HE knows why. I'm confused why he's giving me mixed signals and wanting me to stay in his life and telling me he loves me and misses me but then ultimately decided he can't do it. I'm so confused by everything! He may not know and you need to tell him that the mixed signals doesn't work for you. Seeing him and having him tell you on the one hand he loves you but that he "can't do it" is just cruel and that you deserve better. Then you need to go 100% No Contact and move on. Don't try to understand - because you never really will. But you will feel better for yourself in the long run when you start dating again and find someone more committed. 4
aloneinaz Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 As you stated OP, who knows why he ended it. The important take home value is he didn't feel he loved you enough to want to continue to date you. He's also saying he's ok with you moving on, dating and having sex with other guys. That alone should tell you where his head is. What you need to focus on is this guy has lots of baggage and people usually don't change. Do you want to have him back as a BF and walk around on egg shells till he pulls this crap again? He would and I think you know that. Once a R/S ends, it should stay that way. This board is filled with people (including me) that had relationships that incurred multiple break ups. They never work out and only drag out the pain and suffering. Worry about you now, not him. He's kicked you to the curb. Take your pride and self esteem in your hands and stop letting him dictate contact and seeing you. Personally, you should simply vanish from his life. He's saying he doesn't want you in his life. GIVE IT TO HIM. Block him on social media. Don't contact him and ignore his attempts to reach you. All you're doing is stroking his ego right now, hanging around, letting HIM decide what HE wants or doesn't want. You need to say Screw that. I know this sounds harsh but you're not going to start healing from this until you stick to strict NC and move forward w/you life w/out this guy. Stick around this site and read a lot here. You'll see what works and what doesn't. 2
Author wendydarling Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) Thank you to both of you for your replies. I was trying to post this before I left my house so I think I left out a couple of things. One of the things that I forgot to mention was that when he broke up with me 3 weeks ago, he first asked if I gave any thought to where our relationship was going. After he did it, he kept saying, "I don't want to be broken up" over and over, and he broke down and started crying...as if I was the one rejecting him. I didn't understand. Anyway, I did tell him on Friday that if we're done, I can't talk to him, and gave him three reasons why. That's when he said that he can't do it, so I told him that I can't talk to him anymore, got up, and walked away without looking back at him. It is probably the hardest thing that I ever have done. There's been NC on both of our ends, but it's just hard knowing that I'll never talk to him again. His family became like a second family to me, too. I've been majorly struggling with a heart vs. head type of situation, because my head says "You don't treat someone you supposedly love this way" while my heart says, "Yeah, but..." It's especially difficult because I found this site by googling quarter-life crises and came across this thread, which OP's post basically describes him and the situation to a T. It sucks caring about someone and then having to go cold turkey and hoping that he eventually gets the help that he needs. Edited July 19, 2015 by wendydarling
aloneinaz Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Thank you to both of you for your replies. I was trying to post this before I left my house so I think I left out a couple of things. One of the things that I forgot to mention was that when he broke up with me 3 weeks ago, he first asked if I gave any thought to where our relationship was going. After he did it, he kept saying, "I don't want to be broken up" over and over, and he broke down and started crying...as if I was the one rejecting him. I didn't understand. Anyway, I did tell him on Friday that if we're done, I can't talk to him, and gave him three reasons why. That's when he said that he can't do it, so I told him that I can't talk to him anymore, got up, and walked away without looking back at him. It is probably the hardest thing that I ever have done. There's been NC on both of our ends, but it's just hard knowing that I'll never talk to him again. His family became like a second family to me, too. I've been majorly struggling with a heart vs. head type of situation, because my head says "You don't treat someone you supposedly love this way" while my heart says, "Yeah, but..." It's especially difficult because I found this site by googling quarter-life crises and came across this thread, which OP's post basically describes him and the situation to a T. It sucks caring about someone and then having to go cold turkey and hoping that he eventually gets the help that he needs. At this point, you're only concern should be you and what's best for you. On some level, he's messing with your head for his ego validation. He's telling you he loves you but doesn't want to be with you. If he's still contacting you after that, he's simply bat @hit crazy and needs validation for his self esteem that YOU still want him. Don't be that door mat. Don't be his emotional crutch and ego booster when HE feels he needs it and contacts you. You're worth more than that. If a woman told me that BS he's feeding you, I'd be gone like a fart in the wind. Vanish from his life. Block him on everything. He's made his decision. NOW, you need to make yours and say your self worth is MUCH more valuable than this guy. You'll feel SSOO much better if you go NC from here on out. You'll heal better and be ready to meet someone who will want you faster. I know its hard especially as fresh as this is. Understand, I've been there. My ex pulled her BS on me and then ended it. I said "are you sure, cause I'm won't ever come back", she said "Yup". She NEVER heard from me again. She broke contact 6 months later wanting me back. I'd moved on and had a new GF that was SSOO much better than her f'up self. You can do it to. 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 It's especially difficult because I found this site by googling quarter-life crises and came across this thread, which OP's post basically describes him and the situation to a T. It sucks caring about someone and then having to go cold turkey and hoping that he eventually gets the help that he needs. I was gonna suggest your Ex might Be suffering from GIGS judging by some of his erratic behavior you mentioned in the previous posts. Going cold turkey effects each of us differently. I'm only 2 weeks in and just starting to make any progress. My 1st week I pretty much checked out of life. Posting on this forum has been a HUGE boon to my recovery. Getting it all out helps so be sure to post here as much as possible. It WILL make you feel better, only if its temporary. You will learn to cope and you will learn to live without him. I promise, so do all the Broken Heart veterans who post advice on these forums daily. You'll be okay. Just keep NC and focus on yourself. If you are having any issues with NC please, ask for help. It's the quickest way to get over your Ex.
nouedis Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I say just let it go and move on. There are more fish out there.
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