I've still got a lot of fight left in me

[BriNyc82]

R

 

This weekend I did not cry about you. I had fun with my friends, got drunk, laughed and for once didn't get sad while drinking. I am feeling so good about myself. I've been working out and feeling strong and like myself again. I spent way too long grieving someone who was never mine to begin with. I feel like a weight has come off of my heart. I have expunged all the sadness about you. I found out that you failed your exam. You will probably lose your job now and you have no support to help you. I pity you bc you push everyone good away so you deserve to be alone. Kharma is a b!Tch.

 

I know that I will continue to live my life being happy and surrounded by amazing people who always have my back. For once I'm excited about meeting someone new. You have to live with yourself knowing that you're a *****ty person. I really didn't know you as well as I thought but I'm glad it was only a short time. I truly feel sorry for you.

Edited July 19, 2015 by BriNyc82

[Reels]

Don't worry too much, even if you were being the most careful person of the world, something similar had to come anyway.

 

Don't think that you have learned a lot now right either, any mistakes in future would probably help you further.

[kenmore]

Bri, it feels good to have some drinks and not get sad, doesn't it? It feels so good to move on! Getting to that point is awesome. I'm just past the turning point, I think. I still miss my old life but I'm looking forward to a future with a woman who actually gives a crap about me.

 

I don't know you well yet, but you have a healthy attitude. You will do just fine!

 

BTW, I am originally from New York and my cousin owns a rental unit there which she wants me to take over. I'll be visiting within the next year. It will be exciting to see NY again, it has been too long! If you have suggestions of places and things to see, please share.

 

I don't know about your ex nor his situation, but my wife lost some real capabilities when she broke up with me. Now she has to hire people to do what I did and that includes cooking (she just gets take-out or prepared meals.) She thought I was using her for money, she spends much more now just replacing what I did. She could never understand that. Probably still doesn't. Her loss!

 

It's nice going down the new-life trail with you! It smells of Gardenias and has beautiful flowers, trees and rocks; bees buzzing and hummingbirds. It couldn't be nicer with great company!

 

Ken

[BriNyc82]

Kenmore it sure does. I know I will definitely have set backs along the way and that feeling isn't permanent just yet but it's a step in the right direction. I'm sorry about your ex but I'm glad to hear you are looking forward to your new life! We can totally do this! I feel bad getting pleasure out of his failure but I will take it haha

 

Part of me is sick and tired of being sick and tired. Time to start focusing on MY life not his. I can give you tons of recommendations in the city. Where in Ny r u originally from?

Edited July 20, 2015 by BriNyc82

[Ariess10]

For some reason I like your posts ..gives me some hope I guess , keep up the moving fwd

[BriNyc82]

Thanks Aries. I could say the same to you too! I guess bc I've been following your story and your struggles/milestones and I know I am not alone in this. I also know that I have been through this kind of breakup before and I always land on my feet. I keep reminding myself that I have tons of family and friends which are super healthy relationships. I'm tired of dwelling on the one relationship that would never be healthy and is out of my control. I've always had a hard time at "accepting". I analyze and let my thoughts dictate my mood. I'm really trying to shift my focus on my future now.

 

Then again I also have 2 dates set up for this week so let's see how I feel after those. I'm hoping that I realize that I can have fun with someone else and he wasn't the "only one" who could make me happy. I'm sure that is the case with you too. Or at least I hope it is! In any event keep on trucking. One foot in front of the other. I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason.

Edited July 20, 2015 by BriNyc82

[kenmore]

I was originally from Queens, but that would most likely not be where I would be staying. My cousin is in Centereach long Island.

 

Of course during my visit I would spend some serious time in the city. I'm sure there is no end to the fun things to do, but some lesser known fun things coming from an insider would be more special.

 

It will take some time before you feel like you can exist again without him. Just today while I was out, I started feeling a little depressed and I realized it was because I started thinking that all the good times I had, all those years being married...all those happy memories didn't mean anything to her. She would have been just as happy with anyone or no one. It made me think it was all a lie. Later, when I just sat and thought about it, I realized I don't know that. Not only that, but even if I did, so what? I enjoyed it when it happened, why does that lessen it now? I can't go back and retroactively ruin my memories like that. Not only is there no point, I know it's just based on some dumb feelings that are not even true.

 

I guess the point I am making is that we can't base our happiness on them. It has to come from inside us. That and when you start really enjoying time with someone new, the good feelings will be there and they can help drive out the old ones. They can slowly become more important.

 

Hugs and take care!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

For some reason I like your posts ..gives me some hope I guess , keep up the moving fwd

 

Yes, there is plenty of hope and it will find you. It will appear in small ways and the pain will slowly subside. Give yourself time my friend, like a wise lady here (Jen) once said, you can't expect a broken leg to heal right away, neither can you expect this to. It will though. Stay strong and positive!

 

Ken

[BriNyc82]

Couldn't agree more ken. I find I am slowly starting to feel somewhat like myself again and mending my heart. I have my down moments where I stare into space and get the frog in my throat, but they only last minutes, whereas in the beginning they were hours!

 

Not sure if there's a private message thing on here but I'd be more than happy to give you some recommendations (not so much on the touristy side)

 

It's funny you say that because I literally had that same thought today. I thought, if I was his rebound girl and he wasn't really emotionally invested in me then it wasn't real. I was just existing. But you are right. You don't know how she felt. And chances are if you were enjoying yourself she was too. I don't think the ending of 2 people means the entire relationship wasn't real. These negative self thoughts are the things that will mess with your head. And best of all you know that YOU were being real and that's most important.

[kenmore]

There is a PM here but you must be a member for a certain length of time. Once you have been, it will say "established member" under your name. It won't take long and anything you would prefer to keep out of this public area, please wait. I won't be going that soon anyway.

 

That is funny that you had that same thought. It must have been something in the cosmos lol. I had no idea where or why the thought came, but it really hurt. Somehow the thought that she was "putting up with me" instead of enjoying me is very painful when I realize how much I enjoyed her. It's a cold slap in the face.

 

I reasoned further last night, though, that she would never do that. She has a strong personality. It enabled her to end it with me and never look back. She will never contact me again and fortunately I have a similar strength so will never contact her again either. There was nothing wishy-washy about our breakup. There was no "lets try counseling" or "let's talk", it just stopped dead. I know a woman with that strength of conviction wouldn't spend an extra minute with me if she was truly unhappy.

 

Anyway, I had my new gf call last night in tears because of something going on at work and I was able to console her and talk about my latest problems too. It was healing to have that with a woman and I am taking her out this week. Time to stop thinking about the past and think about the future! Hmm...I think I said that before lol.

 

Ken

[BriNyc82]

Ken- got it. Thanks!

 

I feel that way too. Sometimes I feel like maybe I was just an obligation or he was in autopilot. Maybe I was just a temporary distraction but I whole heartedly thought he was happy. Even when it ended he said out loud "what am I doing?" Bc he knew I was a great catch. How could I have been so happy while he was probably feel anxiety about progressing or even worse, thoughts of being alone or being with someone better? Was I that horrible? In my head I know he doesn't deserve me and I'm an amazing catch so I don't need his approval but it still sucks. I don't trust my judgement anymore and I'm scared out of my mind to have this happen again. Here one day. Gone the next.

 

He didn't wanna try either. It was done. Cut the chord. He wanted me out and there was no more talking about feelings once it ended. I know I could never be with someone who isn't receptive to how I am feeling. He is stubborn as well. We will never talk again ever. I don't even want to. How can someone hold you so tight one night and tell you they don't want to lose you and literally a day later they are shutting you out.

 

That's great that you hVe a new gf. Is she aware of the hurt you are still experiencing from your ex? Focus on your future

[kenmore]

Bri. Wow, what you said is what I have been feeling for a year now. We were on a vacation at the Caribbean on a cruise ship when she told me no, we can't have sex tonight (we had the previous night on the same cruise) because "we're breaking up."

 

That's how sudden it was, one night on a perfect vacation enjoying ourselves, that evening we go bar-hopping and she says "when we get back home, we need to break up" and that night, no sex from then until...I'll let you know. Never with her.

 

She told me "I'll forever regret losing your love" but she couldn't have cared less.

 

I had the same feelings Bri, I wondered how she could just turn away real love. I truly loved her and despite what anybody says here or what she thought, that is really precious. you know that as well as I do.

 

In fact, I know it so well as to be depressed because I don't know that I'll ever feel that again. You said that in your post, I echo it! We know how that feels! It's like why did we bother but also like why didn't they get it?!!

 

I don't know you well Bri, but I know you well enough to like you! You are just like me! LOL

 

I'm sorry you had to have this guy in your life just like I'm sorry I had my wife; which means I am not sorry because I loved her and am ashamed to say I still do, but I have been able to let go and saying that is huge! It's so much harder to let go of someone you still love (Duh), but we go on!

 

I'm glad you are here. Hugs!

 

Ken

[BriNyc82]

Ken your story brings tears to my eyes thinking about you being on vaca and having that happen. Should have thrown her overboard. Kidding. Kinda. I completely understand. The night we ended things was the night I thought things would be solidified. Doh! Wtf?

 

I wonder too why did I even bother? But I would rather have given it my all and say I gave it my all rather than I half assed it and always question if I had only been real would they still have left? It's a tough pill to swallow. Yes I was 100% me and he still didn't want me.

 

I am past the denial phase. I have trained myself to hate him. Like Pavlov. I don't even want to be with this man and I have my laundry list of reasons why but only bc I am forced to. Even if he came back I wouldn't want to be with him. I feel like I have nothing to give anymore and I don't want to be a bitter person.

 

I absolutely think you will feel that way again. I think many people can make us feel happy. I can't wait for the day that I feel happy again with the emotional component too. There's nothing to be ashamed about. You were married to this woman. Feelings don't change overnight.

 

Every time I hear sias song "elastic heart" I think yup. Story of my life!! Hang in Ken. Big hug!

[Gus Grimly]

We invested so much of ourselves into our relationships. That's what's tough for me to accept right now. That investment is gone. All that I built, everything I worked for is gone, removed from my life forever. This person who I confided in everyday, laughed and shared my innermost thoughts with is now a stranger. I'll never see her again, I'll never know if she reached all the goals we used to talk about while lying in bed, feeling each others warm embrace.

 

I'm told "not to care" because it's part of the "moving on" package. That hurts. Not just losing my best friend. No, what hurts most is I have to stop caring about her. I get it. I just don't want it.

[Jonp219]

I admire your strength Bri, you're doing great and i'm happy for you.

I wish I had the strength you have right about now, but I can't just forget 4 years, it's incredibly tough.

[Jonp219]

We invested so much of ourselves into our relationships. That's what's tough for me to accept right now. That investment is gone. All that I built, everything I worked for is gone, removed from my life forever. This person who I confided in everyday, laughed and shared my innermost thoughts with is now a stranger. I'll never see her again, I'll never know if she reached all the goals we used to talk about while lying in bed, feeling each others warm embrace.

 

I'm told "not to care" because it's part of the "moving on" package. That hurts. Not just losing my best friend. No, what hurts most is I have to stop caring about her. I get it. I just don't want it.

 

I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're relationship was between 2-4 years long, somewhere along those lines. If my guess is correct, then whoever told you not to care obviously doesn't know what they're talking about (sorry).

 

You SHOULD care, you SHOULD give yourself time to be sad about this break up, you HAVE to FEEL it. There's no way around it Gus, the only way to truly move on is to feel the pain of losing her. Overtime, the pain will lessen and her memory will become more and more distant (as scary as that sounds).

 

However, what you SHOULD do is redirecting that energy you use to place on her and put it on yourself. Do the things you love to do, maybe start learning new hobbies or making new friends. But give yourself plenty of time to FEEL that pain (cry over her, curse her name out, say what you feel etc).

[BriNyc82]

jon you don't have to forget it. But I know thinking about it is tough too. It's like a lose lose. If you forget it then it's like it never existed and that sucks. Which is worse? I have no idea. I'm not strong. But I've accepted he's not coming back. That he wasn't scared to lose me and whatever he is doing now is better than having me around. I never want to be in someone's life who doesn't want me in theirs. I can't beg to be a part of his life or him be a part of mine. I'm really sad everyday. But I'm trying to just have a "this is out of my control" attitude. accepting acceptance.

 

Gus I completely agree. I feel like all my hard work was for nothing. And I also had to shut my feelings off just be he shut his off. I felt like I had to force myself to stop caring about him bc frankly it's what he wanted. Why should he get what he wants? Why does he get to be selfish? I don't know anymore. I don't think you can force yourself not to care. I think by doing all the right things and trying to move on you eventually stop caring. I don't think you get over them by not caring.

[Gus Grimly]

I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're relationship was between 2-4 years long, somewhere along those lines. .

Whoa, you got it 3 1/2 years. You must know a thing or two about this stuff.

 

You SHOULD care, you SHOULD give yourself time to be sad about this break up, you HAVE to FEEL it.

Thanks for your understanding and empathy Jon. You're right, it's a real loss so I need time to grieve like it were any other tragic loss and make peace with it. Trying to force myself to not care would be depriving myself of the pain I need to endure which helps us grow. I see your point. I do need to feel.

 

I also need to refocus my energies on myself. I just need to stop thinking about it and do it. I've signed up for a few Meetups, a meditation class and a running group. Gonna start hitting the gym again and work on some projects. Now I just need to get the courage to get out there and do it. Thanks for your advice it's appreciated.

 

Gus I completely agree. I feel like all my hard work was for nothing. And I also had to shut my feelings off just be he shut his off. I felt like I had to force myself to stop caring about him bc frankly it's what he wanted. Why should he get what he wants? Why does he get to be selfish? I don't know anymore. I don't think you can force yourself not to care. I think by doing all the right things and trying to move on you eventually stop caring. I don't think you get over them by not caring.

So you're in the same boat as I am, I'm sorry. Misery loves company, right? I fear like I wont ever be able to put the same effort into my next serious relationship. I feel drained and worn out. I've convinced myself if I try not too care it will speed up the healing process, but you both are right, denying the pain is denying ourselves of truly moving on. We do need to go through this if we want to understand and learn from this. You can't run from it.

 

Thanks BriNyc82. It's comforting to hear your feelings about this. But it looks like I have a lot of work to do before I'm ready to move on without any reservations.

[Jonp219]

Whoa, you got it 3 1/2 years. You must know a thing or two about this stuff.

 

 

Thanks for your understanding and empathy Jon. You're right, it's a real loss so I need time to grieve like it were any other tragic loss and make peace with it. Trying to force myself to not care would be depriving myself of the pain I need to endure which helps us grow. I see your point. I do need to feel.

 

I also need to refocus my energies on myself. I just need to stop thinking about it and do it. I've signed up for a few Meetups, a meditation class and a running group. Gonna start hitting the gym again and work on some projects. Now I just need to get the courage to get out there and do it. Thanks for your advice it's appreciated.

 

 

So you're in the same boat as I am, I'm sorry. Misery loves company, right? I fear like I wont ever be able to put the same effort into my next serious relationship. I feel drained and worn out. I've convinced myself if I try not too care it will speed up the healing process, but you both are right, denying the pain is denying ourselves of truly moving on. We do need to go through this if we want to understand and learn from this. You can't run from it.

 

Thanks BriNyc82. It's comforting to hear your feelings about this. But it looks like I have a lot of work to do before I'm ready to move on without any reservations.

 

I just recently came out of a 4 year relationship. And even now, (5 months later) I don't exactly know how to feel about my failed relationship. Apart of me always said, "It's never going to work out", and another would say, "this is as good as it gets". So i'm still trying to make sense of it all but i'm starting to see clearer these days (sort of).

 

Meditation will be your friend. I started doing it more lately and I've been feeling a lot better. The worst time of the day for me is the mornings. I feel like i wake up with a friend wound on my mind, I guess I need to start meditating in the mornings now.

 

Don't be like me. I'm trying to improve and recover as quickly as I possibility can so I can feel indifferent when I run into her again, but clearly I have a problem with patience.

[kenmore]

Don't worry too much, even if you were being the most careful person of the world, something similar had to come anyway.

 

Don't think that you have learned a lot now right either, any mistakes in future would probably help you further.

 

I think there is wisdom in this post Reels. Honestly it took me awhile because (no offense intended) English is not your primary language and English is strange in how sentences are structured. I had to transpose some of your phrases and words to understand what you meant but I'm glad I put in the effort because you're right. These experiences will help us in the future and they are valuable.

 

Bri, I had that same thought AGAIN today, that I don't feel secure starting a new relationship because I'm worried that she'll do the same as what my wife did; but even before I read this thread, I realized why should that be? I never felt that way about her. Neither my first wife nor myself ever thought that about the other, it's a more rare circumstance, so I won't let myself get trapped in that basket of woe.

 

I still recall to this day how when my first wife was sick; diagnosed with liver cirrhosis, the liver specialist we saw (a family friend) looked at me, straight in the face with her RIGHT THERE and said "I'd leave her." My reaction was to laugh. I thought he was making a joke...nope. He was serious. Once I realized that, I grew angry at him. It never once caused me to even consider leaving her. Geez, she was sick. Self inflicted, yeah, but not intentionally.

 

My point is that I have no fear of commitment. I commit then stick with the person (or thing) and I think many people are like that. I know I will find a woman who has similar values. She died, but in my arms and if I had left her, it would be so much more painful than it is now. Seriously, the Dr is an *sshole.

 

Gus and Jon, same. We broke up at 4 1/4 years. Child's play, right? I mean so many people are breaking up after ten, fifteen, even 30-40 years. This should be easy...but it's not. My first wife died after 17 years. This is not easier.

 

Bri, I have trained myself to hate her too. She is the one who gave up on us. Somehow she found a way to make it my fault. Even though she is the one who said we had to separate, the one who filed for divorce, the one who told me repeatedly that we're "done" even while I was asking why do we have to be done? She made it my fault. I made her do this. She was only acting out of a logical progression from where I led us. I could not find good employment therefore I mustn't care about our relationship, so the onus is on me.

 

Try as I do to "hate her", to not think about her, to let my emotions flow, whatever, there is still that part of my heart that loves her. I don't want her, that's what keeps me from trying and gives me the strength to leave her alone. If she came to me and said she made a huge mistake and wants to talk, I'd still talk (being honest) but there would be new rules. My rules. It won't happen though, so that's as well. Meanwhile, my employment (if you can call it that) ended today and I'll likely be moving. Fortunately, after so much, one develops a desensitivity to all this, so whatever!

 

Big hugs back my friend! Hey, you're an established member now! Congratulations! I'll be in PM touch after my business trip tomorrow. Take care!

 

Ken