hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 It says on this girl's profile that she only wants guys who are genuinely interested in meeting up to message her. We spoke twice, and the last message I sent her went like this: "So you must really like travelling then? I've been to [...] Not as much as you, but just like you I've got a long list of places I want to go! You can tell me all about it when we meet If it's easier here's my number" Girls would you be freaked out by this, was it too forward or something? Did I scare her off somehow? She hasn't answered (it's been over a day), so I'm assuming I have and I won't be seeing her...
babycakees Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Welcome to the world of online dating. People move on fast because there are so many more options. This is why I dislike online dating. 1
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Welcome to the world of online dating. People move on fast because there are so many more options. This is why I dislike online dating. So in relation to my question then, you think I've screwed it and/or she has met someone else. Seems absurd really, if this is the case, that she would meet someone else under 2 days and decide that said person is better than me?
babycakees Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 She was most likely talking with more than one guy at a time or seeing more than one guy. A lot of online daters are also multi-daters and date more than one person at once until the meet the right someone. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 how much over a day? Relax. Online dating is flakey of course. But be realistic about how soon you thought she would jump to it. No way to tell if she will respond but you didn't blow it--doesn't mean she will contact you because online is flakey though.
TigerCub Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I don't know if you scared her off. I'm just thinking that if I was chatting with a guy and he wrote that - it just seems like he's totally stepping back and expecting me to make the moves. Like instead of saying, "you can tell me when we see each other" - why didn't you just straight up ask her if she'd like to meet you for a drink/coffee? Or instead of just saying 'here's my number' - which pretty much says that it's on her to call you - It would have been better to say 'I'd really like to chat with you some more, Wanna exchange numbers? Here's mine" Those 2 changes makes it clear that you want to chat with her and see her more, but also that it's not all on her to do the rest. 4
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 She was most likely talking with more than one guy at a time or seeing more than one guy. A lot of online daters are also multi-daters and date more than one person at once until the meet the right someone. I understand as even I am talking to multiple girls on the website. Considering that she probably has been talking to many more guys before me, the fact that she did "reach out" to me would suggest things weren't going to well - in other words, she was still actively looking. Online dating isn't as different as real life dating then, because I know a lot of people will actively go look for many women/men until they find someone suitable.
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 how much over a day? Relax. Online dating is flakey of course. But be realistic about how soon you thought she would jump to it. No way to tell if she will respond but you didn't blow it--doesn't mean she will contact you because online is flakey though. Yeah online is definitely flakey. I joined the site under a week ago, and maybe 3 or 4 of the girls I was talking to just vanished. This is the first girl I've had a generally good conversation with. I joined online dating knowing that this was going to happen, but you can understand when I did meet this girl my hopes went up (when they maybe shouldn't have). Yeah I should relax. It's been just over a day since I sent the message ... it's the weekend, so it could be she's busy. I guess I just wanted to know if I blew it ... It felt like I did.
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 I don't know if you scared her off. I'm just thinking that if I was chatting with a guy and he wrote that - it just seems like he's totally stepping back and expecting me to make the moves. Like instead of saying, "you can tell me when we see each other" - why didn't you just straight up ask her if she'd like to meet you for a drink/coffee? Or instead of just saying 'here's my number' - which pretty much says that it's on her to call you - It would have been better to say 'I'd really like to chat with you some more, Wanna exchange numbers? Here's mine" Those 2 changes makes it clear that you want to chat with her and see her more, but also that it's not all on her to do the rest. I completely agree with you. The wording I used probably did make her feel that she would have to be the one to contact me - I wasn't being the leader. I'm hoping she does contact me, but if she doesn't then I guess I'll move on to another girl.
Versacehottie Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 well i don't think you blew it. It shows confidence to just assume that you guys are going to talk outside of the site. I do think it would be better to have put it on more even ground to ask if she wanted to exchange numbers so she doesn't have to pursue you essentially. The way the person suggested above sounds more ideal. Then you leave it in her court if she is not comfortable yet giving out her number, she can have yours, not like your expecting her to do the work or are jaded about it. Plus best to be specific about purpose of the call/text to come--to make plans for you taking her out. IMO, you could have just stated that you want to take her out and THEN exchange numbers so you can make the plan.
babycakees Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Eh. I never have any issue if the guy gives me his number to contact him first, but then again... I'm only one female.
phineas Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I understand as even I am talking to multiple girls on the website. Considering that she probably has been talking to many more guys before me, the fact that she did "reach out" to me would suggest things weren't going to well - in other words, she was still actively looking. Online dating isn't as different as real life dating then, because I know a lot of people will actively go look for many women/men until they find someone suitable. it is good you understand the dynamics. I don't put a ton of effort into online myself. if I find someone interested (you will know because you don't feel like you are carrying on both sides of the conversation) it will flow. Then after you tell her your name, a few more messages then ask for her number then text her right after, text a little more then ask to talk on the phone. If that goes well and she isn't boring then arrange a date. least, that's how I do it. I can have 5 or 6 women messaging me at once and it isn't uncommon for all but one to disappear on me. Or all of them.
TigerCub Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I completely agree with you. The wording I used probably did make her feel that she would have to be the one to contact me - I wasn't being the leader. I'm hoping she does contact me, but if she doesn't then I guess I'll move on to another girl. I hope she at least messages you back, and that would give you a chance to salvage this. In all honesty, you didn't do anything "wrong" - so hopefully if the conversation was good before this and you guys had lots to talk about and stuff, it would still get you a message back, not a phone call, but at least a message on the site. And then you could just ask her out to meet in person. If she completely ignores you, then whatever, plenty more fish in the sea.
phineas Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 plenty more fish in the sea. I've noticed this time around there are way more new women on POF than last year. Hell, I haven't even messaged anyone yet & have two dates lined up for next week just from women contacting me first. but i'm 43 so the dynamic is probably different from OP's.
Philosopher Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Your message to me seemed fine and you gave out your number at quite a good time. I would give it more time before completely ruling her out, I have had girls take several days, even a week to reply. 1
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Your message to me seemed fine and you gave out your number at quite a good time. I would give it more time before completely ruling her out, I have had girls take several days, even a week to reply. See I'm hoping that this is the case, that she's busy and doesn't have the time to get round to using the website. The deal is that she likely knows I've sent the message in the first place. There's no way of knowing if she has read it or not, but I don't want to overthink this. She's working in London as a commercial real estate agent, so it's likely she's got a lot of work to do. I on the other hand am a student, with a lot more free time albeit having an exam tomorrow :S I'll let you guys know what happens in an update.
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 I hope she at least messages you back, and that would give you a chance to salvage this. In all honesty, you didn't do anything "wrong" - so hopefully if the conversation was good before this and you guys had lots to talk about and stuff, it would still get you a message back, not a phone call, but at least a message on the site. And then you could just ask her out to meet in person. If she completely ignores you, then whatever, plenty more fish in the sea. Yeah it'd be nice to get a response from her, be it good or bad. At least then I'd know if I had a shot or not. Maybe she's expecting me to message her or something?
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Quick update: So since sending this girl a message ... I've had 4 girls wanting to meet me. They're all 25 years or over (I'm 21), and I'm not comfortable with it, so I'm choosing to ignore them. I've got to say that most of the girls who have expressed interest in me are either black or over 24.
angel.eyes Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I much prefer when a guy gives me his number first! IME, most guys volunteer their number instead of asking for mine. It might be a large city practice? I don't think you did anything wrong. Heck, I've had guys ask me out on a date in response to my first message. You waited the right amount of time, I think. It wasn't too short, but you didn't drag things out for a week or more. FWIW, the fact that she reached out to you doesn't mean things were necessarily going badly with other guys. It just means they hadn't gotten very far yet. You never know whether something will progress or fizzle, so she would typically continue to look until she was sure. It's the weekend. People go out with family, friends,...and first dates. She may respond later today or tomorrow. Just be patient, wait, and keep looking yourself.
angel.eyes Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Quick update: So since sending this girl a message ... I've had 4 girls wanting to meet me. They're all 25 years or over (I'm 21), and I'm not comfortable with it, so I'm choosing to ignore them. I've got to say that most of the girls who have expressed interest in me are either black or over 24. Interesting. So no one around 21 is responding or reaching out?
phineas Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Yeah it'd be nice to get a response from her, be it good or bad. At least then I'd know if I had a shot or not. Maybe she's expecting me to message her or something? you need to not get so invested in a stranger from online. it shouldn't matter if they respond to you or not. Once you hit that point you will be much happier with online dating
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Interesting. So no one around 21 is responding or reaching out? Of yeah of course I'm getting responses from women around my age, but I'm just saying that most of the women who contact me first are black, 24+ years and quite ugly (for me)... I know this sounds shallow, but ultimately I'm online to find a perfect match.
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 you need to not get so invested in a stranger from online. it shouldn't matter if they respond to you or not. Once you hit that point you will be much happier with online dating Yeah I agree. The only time I should be truly invested in a person is if they're part of my life. At the moment it's not really bothering me that she hasn't answered. The reason I created this thread was more due to the fact that I was worried I had handed out my number too and/or was too forward.
Author hakim Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 I much prefer when a guy gives me his number first! IME, most guys volunteer their number instead of asking for mine. It might be a large city practice? I don't think you did anything wrong. Heck, I've had guys ask me out on a date in response to my first message. You waited the right amount of time, I think. It wasn't too short, but you didn't drag things out for a week or more. FWIW, the fact that she reached out to you doesn't mean things were necessarily going badly with other guys. It just means they hadn't gotten very far yet. You never know whether something will progress or fizzle, so she would typically continue to look until she was sure. It's the weekend. People go out with family, friends,...and first dates. She may respond later today or tomorrow. Just be patient, wait, and keep looking yourself. Yeah I was only assuming she hadn't met someone suitable yet, because in my experience when a woman has found someone, she'll stop looking. Just like for men really. And I mean someone who fits them. She's likely busy. The ball is effectively in her court though, so I wont be messaging her. It'd be nice to get on a date with her though, she seems bubbly.
wb1988 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 She was most likely talking with more than one guy at a time or seeing more than one guy. A lot of online daters are also multi-daters and date more than one person at once until the meet the right someone. They will never meet the right someone. Most girls on POF are single forever, addicted to the attention from guys, unrealistic standards (lol don't girls know that us guys message you even if we're not interested and only want your pussy) and probably have forgotten what dating is like. I don't know if you scared her off. I'm just thinking that if I was chatting with a guy and he wrote that - it just seems like he's totally stepping back and expecting me to make the moves. Yeah I've given my number a few times and never got a date with that approach, ever. You need to ask for her number and keep the ball in your court always.
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