I lost the love of my life because of his commitment phobia. What now?

[Lucy_Collins]

Please could anyone offer support and/or advice regarding my story? This is going to be a long one...

 

This is by far the worst break up I have ever experienced. It’s been almost four months and I still miss him as much today as I did the day after he ended things. I still dream about him every evening and I still think about him almost every second of every day. I cry myself to sleep most nights and I torture myself thinking about him being with someone else.

 

He woke up one morning after spending a perfectly lovely weekend together with everything appearing completely normal and just said ‘I can’t do this’. He had booked a holiday for my birthday for September so I know this breaking up wasn’t planned. He was unable to expand on this. He basically insinuated that he was unable to give me the things I wanted in my future. The prospect of having a family and moving onto those next steps fills him with such a great fear that he feels almost paralysed.

 

He had also done this two months prior to this final ‘dumping’ and then promised me he would never ever just drop me ever again. He promised that he knew I was his person and that he wanted to spend his life with me. He did not want to be alone when he could have a better life with me.

 

When I first met him, he would have moments where he would tell me that he could not offer me what I deserved. He explained that he hurt people and was unable to love. He did not think relationships were for him and told me to run whilst I could. Following a few incidents of this, we worked through his fears and lived together happily for a period of around 10 months.

 

We met through work and had an instant connection. I fell for him very quickly as he is a very affectionate, loving and kind man. We had amazing chemistry and my friends often told me you could tell by the way he looked at me that he desired me.

 

My ex has two children (aged 8 and 4) from his failed marriage. He is 38 and I am 31. He has regular (weekly) contact with the children. He had a traumatic childhood where he witnessed and experienced physical abuse from his mother’s partner. He reports that he remembers being a child and going into a place where he shut down completely from all of his emotions in order to protect himself. He then became embroiled in a life of drugs and alcohol as a teenager and young adult and was homeless repeatedly. He has very limited contact with his mother (who has issues with her mental health) and has a very limited set of friends. He told me he is unable to open up to people. He finds it hard to let people in. He has no money saved and rents his property as a mortgage (in my opinion) would be too much commitment for him. He likes the easy ‘uncomplicated’ life.

 

He managed to turn his life around and has not lived the concerning lifestyle for over 10 years now. He has a great career and earns great money and is well respected within his job.

 

He tells me that the love he experienced with me changed his life. He has never felt this way before. He did not feel he was able to give or receive love. He believes me to be the best person he has ever met and knows that I will be a great wife and mother. I know that when we were together he loved me sincerely and I have no reason to suspect in any way he met anyone else. We lived together for around 10 months of our 18 month relationship. We were happy in each other’s company just watching TV without any frills. He said I was his soul mate. We travelled to a number of places throughout our relationship and they were the best trips of our lives. He told me that he needed me in his life and could not imagine a future without me. When we spent time apart we would be in contact all of the time. He would tell me he couldn’t wait till he saw me the next time. Our relationship was a very happy one and we were very supportive of each other. I woke up every morning with his arms around me and I felt very loved and adored throughout. My family and friends told me how much you could see from the way he was with me how much he loved and desired me. I have no reason to doubt any of this.

 

I was understanding about his past. I was supportive regarding the children and built up a relationship with them both. I was particularly close to his daughter whom I took on trips. When we lived together I looked after him and made him feel very cared for and desired. We were so attracted to each other and we were intimate most days. We were so close. We were best friends as well as lovers.

 

Although my self-esteem has hit rock bottom I am aware that people believe me to be attractive. My friends tell me I am beautiful inside and out. I look younger than I am, I keep fit, regularly going to the gym. I always make an effort with my appearance. I have been to university three times. I have a great career and earn really great money. He told me that I was by far the most beautiful girl he had ever been with. He told me that I was completely his ideal. I know that on occasions I would catch him looking at me in the reflection of the mirror and I could see in his eyes how much love he had for me. I never ever doubted his feelings for me.

 

I know that if I want to get married and have a family and he cannot give me those things then he did the noble thing of letting me go. I know that he is only being fair to me and my future. He told me to spread my wings and fly. The difficulty I have is in coming to terms with how a man could let this woman who he loved so much go. All the time inside of me I have this desire and need to fight for this man because I love him so much. I don’t know how he can just let me go and allow me to be free and to potentially meet someone else without fighting the fears he has.

 

I did not contact him for over three months of the split. If I’m totally honest the only way I got through that period was to tell myself that I had a better chance of him realising what he had lost if I vanished from his life completely. I contacted him after the three month period as I received an important text from his extended family that I needed to forward. I then spoke to him on the phone for a period of four hours where we discussed things and he constantly made reference to how happy we were together and bought up happy times. Despite this, he still remained consistent with his decision that I was better off without him and would find happiness. He told me that the enormity of what it would mean to be with me forever was too large for him to even comprehend. He does not want more children. He does not see himself ever wanting this. He is sorry for ever telling me he wanted these things.

 

Recently he spoke to a friend of mine. He requested to meet with her and proceeded to tell her that I was the love of his life and that he was struggling. Every day he had to find things to do to keep himself distracted from me. He told her he was just putting all his worries and feelings to one side and ignoring them. He told her that I would find someone else but he would not. He explained that everything reminded him of me and he was lost without me. He is a very strong minded person. I know that when he makes a decision he generally sticks to it. He told me that he promised himself he would not allow me to be let down again

 

I worry that he will feel the need to be with someone at some point (people surely need to have love and affection) and then he will then settle with them. The thought of this pains me so much. I only manage to feel able to understand this situation because I tell myself it isn’t anything to do with me, that I tried my best and he loved me but his own issues prevent him from committing to a person fully.

 

I truly loved him from the bottom of my heart and I would have fought any demon I had to make it work. Why do I not deserve the same? I think of him all the time and I believe that he has been able to just push these thoughts to one side and plod on with his life. He is a very strong willed person and I know that once he has made his choice then he is done.

 

What do I do next? I am going to see him in a months time as I need to collect some belongings from him. I have no idea what I am meant to do with my life. The thought of being with someone else makes me sick. The thought of never having him close or in my life in any way makes me feel terrible. I cannot believe that after everything we shared and how happy our relationship was that he can just walk away without even knowing what he will do with the rest of his life. Will I ever move on from this? Will I ever meet anyone else that makes me feel the way he did? I find it doubtful. I have been on dates but no one comes anywhere close to the way he made me feel on our first date. What if he is truly the love of my life and I never meet anyone else that comes close?

 

Please help I am struggling so much.

Edited July 19, 2015 by Lucy_Collins

[Satu]

Life is never about just one person.

 

A person's happiness does not depend on just one person.

 

When we think it is, we are not seeing clearly.

 

Invest in the other people in your life: family, friends and workmates.

 

Keep your mind and your heart open.

 

The breakup of a relationship is one of the most painful things you can experience, but people heal from it by grieving, and move on.

 

That is what you will do.

 

You will grieve, heal, and move on.

 

 

Then you will be happy again and ready to love again.

 

 

 

Take care.

[Lucy_Collins]

Thankyou. I know you are right and of course I have been through breakups before and come out the other side but this time it feels so different. Like I won't ever feel normal again. I miss him so much and I know we were so good together and I do not understand the logic and this I feel will never make sense.

[Ariess10]

I know how your feeling , 4 months since my break up and it's getting some what better but I still think about her a lot .. At this point I have no desire to date or anything .. Just hurts too much right now , I'm hoping with some more time I'll be back to my old self and enjoying things again.. As of right now I don't get pleasure from anything , but I make myself do things because I know I can't stop my life because someone ended things.. It's a long road but we will be ok

[pillowpuffs]

I am sorry you are going through this. It is always painful when someone you love and care for deeply walks away from you. I'm a month and a half post breakup and I know exactly how you feel and I know the pain and struggle you are facing. Like you, he was the only person I saw (and still see) myself with(even though he has basically moved on to someone else and does not at all care about me). We were together for 6 years, he was my first and only love and honestly I fear I will never love again.

 

I truthfully don't know if there's anything I can say that will offer you even temporary relief. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Perhaps with everyone's support and the ability to talk it out on this forum, you will feel stronger some day soon.

 

Also please do not entertain thoughts of your ex with someone else and settling down; it will only hurt you and it honestly doesn't do anything to help you progress. I do it too and the pain is just unbearable and then I realise, why am I doing this to myself? I just need to block it out. It's not easy, it takes practice and sometimes I end up just indulging myself and letting my thoughts run free but really, do not think about things that you really have no control over.

 

I know you miss him like crazy and it's not fair that he walked out on you but I think you'll be okay. Post on here as much as you need. Take care.

[nouedis]

It takes 2 to tango.

[Gus Grimly]

I have been on dates but no one comes anywhere close to the way he made me feel on our first date..

 

You shouldn't be dating anyone right now. You've put your Ex on such a high pedestal no guy will ever be able to reach. It's selfish and not fair to them. You are still too infatuated with your Ex.

 

So you're confused why someone who supposedly loves you so much, who calls you their soulmate, gave up on you? The man told you, ad nauseam, that he cannot provide you with the future you aspire to have. Nothing is going to change that. He even gave you your freedom because his conscience wouldn't allow him to string you on any longer. He told you he wouldn't be able to fulfill your needs when you first started dating. You said that this difficult decision was "noble" of him. So what do you need clarity on?

 

Did you feel like you would be able to change him? That one day he would suddenly feel different? That your love would make him see? Well, he said you changed his life, but not the way you intended it. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can either have him as is or not at all. He's being fair and realistic. He's probably as devastated as you, but at least he has a conscience.

 

You need to move on, you must. We all feel like we'll never find another who'll meet all our relationship needs ever again. That's just not true. The world is huge. You sound like an amazing catch any respectable fellow would would walk to the ends of the Earth for. You'll be okay, I know you will.

Edited July 20, 2015 by Gus Grimly

[walkingonair]

Please could anyone offer support and/or advice regarding my story? This is going to be a long one...

 

This is by far the worst break up I have ever experienced. It’s been almost four months and I still miss him as much today as I did the day after he ended things. I still dream about him every evening and I still think about him almost every second of every day. I cry myself to sleep most nights and I torture myself thinking about him being with someone else.

 

He woke up one morning after spending a perfectly lovely weekend together with everything appearing completely normal and just said ‘I can’t do this’. He had booked a holiday for my birthday for September so I know this breaking up wasn’t planned. He was unable to expand on this. He basically insinuated that he was unable to give me the things I wanted in my future. The prospect of having a family and moving onto those next steps fills him with such a great fear that he feels almost paralysed.

 

He had also done this two months prior to this final ‘dumping’ and then promised me he would never ever just drop me ever again. He promised that he knew I was his person and that he wanted to spend his life with me. He did not want to be alone when he could have a better life with me.

 

When I first met him, he would have moments where he would tell me that he could not offer me what I deserved. He explained that he hurt people and was unable to love. He did not think relationships were for him and told me to run whilst I could. Following a few incidents of this, we worked through his fears and lived together happily for a period of around 10 months.

 

We met through work and had an instant connection. I fell for him very quickly as he is a very affectionate, loving and kind man. We had amazing chemistry and my friends often told me you could tell by the way he looked at me that he desired me.

 

My ex has two children (aged 8 and 4) from his failed marriage. He is 38 and I am 31. He has regular (weekly) contact with the children. He had a traumatic childhood where he witnessed and experienced physical abuse from his mother’s partner. He reports that he remembers being a child and going into a place where he shut down completely from all of his emotions in order to protect himself. He then became embroiled in a life of drugs and alcohol as a teenager and young adult and was homeless repeatedly. He has very limited contact with his mother (who has issues with her mental health) and has a very limited set of friends. He told me he is unable to open up to people. He finds it hard to let people in. He has no money saved and rents his property as a mortgage (in my opinion) would be too much commitment for him. He likes the easy ‘uncomplicated’ life.

 

He managed to turn his life around and has not lived the concerning lifestyle for over 10 years now. He has a great career and earns great money and is well respected within his job.

 

He tells me that the love he experienced with me changed his life. He has never felt this way before. He did not feel he was able to give or receive love. He believes me to be the best person he has ever met and knows that I will be a great wife and mother. I know that when we were together he loved me sincerely and I have no reason to suspect in any way he met anyone else. We lived together for around 10 months of our 18 month relationship. We were happy in each other’s company just watching TV without any frills. He said I was his soul mate. We travelled to a number of places throughout our relationship and they were the best trips of our lives. He told me that he needed me in his life and could not imagine a future without me. When we spent time apart we would be in contact all of the time. He would tell me he couldn’t wait till he saw me the next time. Our relationship was a very happy one and we were very supportive of each other. I woke up every morning with his arms around me and I felt very loved and adored throughout. My family and friends told me how much you could see from the way he was with me how much he loved and desired me. I have no reason to doubt any of this.

 

I was understanding about his past. I was supportive regarding the children and built up a relationship with them both. I was particularly close to his daughter whom I took on trips. When we lived together I looked after him and made him feel very cared for and desired. We were so attracted to each other and we were intimate most days. We were so close. We were best friends as well as lovers.

 

Although my self-esteem has hit rock bottom I am aware that people believe me to be attractive. My friends tell me I am beautiful inside and out. I look younger than I am, I keep fit, regularly going to the gym. I always make an effort with my appearance. I have been to university three times. I have a great career and earn really great money. He told me that I was by far the most beautiful girl he had ever been with. He told me that I was completely his ideal. I know that on occasions I would catch him looking at me in the reflection of the mirror and I could see in his eyes how much love he had for me. I never ever doubted his feelings for me.

 

I know that if I want to get married and have a family and he cannot give me those things then he did the noble thing of letting me go. I know that he is only being fair to me and my future. He told me to spread my wings and fly. The difficulty I have is in coming to terms with how a man could let this woman who he loved so much go. All the time inside of me I have this desire and need to fight for this man because I love him so much. I don’t know how he can just let me go and allow me to be free and to potentially meet someone else without fighting the fears he has.

 

I did not contact him for over three months of the split. If I’m totally honest the only way I got through that period was to tell myself that I had a better chance of him realising what he had lost if I vanished from his life completely. I contacted him after the three month period as I received an important text from his extended family that I needed to forward. I then spoke to him on the phone for a period of four hours where we discussed things and he constantly made reference to how happy we were together and bought up happy times. Despite this, he still remained consistent with his decision that I was better off without him and would find happiness. He told me that the enormity of what it would mean to be with me forever was too large for him to even comprehend. He does not want more children. He does not see himself ever wanting this. He is sorry for ever telling me he wanted these things.

 

Recently he spoke to a friend of mine. He requested to meet with her and proceeded to tell her that I was the love of his life and that he was struggling. Every day he had to find things to do to keep himself distracted from me. He told her he was just putting all his worries and feelings to one side and ignoring them. He told her that I would find someone else but he would not. He explained that everything reminded him of me and he was lost without me. He is a very strong minded person. I know that when he makes a decision he generally sticks to it. He told me that he promised himself he would not allow me to be let down again

 

I worry that he will feel the need to be with someone at some point (people surely need to have love and affection) and then he will then settle with them. The thought of this pains me so much. I only manage to feel able to understand this situation because I tell myself it isn’t anything to do with me, that I tried my best and he loved me but his own issues prevent him from committing to a person fully.

 

I truly loved him from the bottom of my heart and I would have fought any demon I had to make it work. Why do I not deserve the same? I think of him all the time and I believe that he has been able to just push these thoughts to one side and plod on with his life. He is a very strong willed person and I know that once he has made his choice then he is done.

 

What do I do next? I am going to see him in a months time as I need to collect some belongings from him. I have no idea what I am meant to do with my life. The thought of being with someone else makes me sick. The thought of never having him close or in my life in any way makes me feel terrible. I cannot believe that after everything we shared and how happy our relationship was that he can just walk away without even knowing what he will do with the rest of his life. Will I ever move on from this? Will I ever meet anyone else that makes me feel the way he did? I find it doubtful. I have been on dates but no one comes anywhere close to the way he made me feel on our first date. What if he is truly the love of my life and I never meet anyone else that comes close?

 

Please help I am struggling so much.

 

 

I'm literally going through the exact same thing now!Its awful:(If you wanna talk PM me:)It would be great to share our storied and maybe help eachother get through this

[seasickpeeve]

Some relationships are so powerful they change who you are forever. And you have to learn how to go on as this new person alone. I feel silly trying to point out the positives because I'm sure thats not where you are at now. But try take comfort that there is a man who loves you very much. He showed that you could love someone completely too. He left when it was good, which is confusing, but he has saved the relationship going horribly wrong because it would have in the end because of his own issues. He has left just good memories. Sorry this is happening to you.

[spiderowl]

This is by far the worst break up I have ever experienced. It’s been almost four months and I still miss him as much today as I did the day after he ended things. I still dream about him every evening and I still think about him almost every second of every day. I cry myself to sleep most nights and I torture myself thinking about him being with someone else.

 

I am truly sorry you are suffering like this. You loved him and unfortunately he as incapable of giving back what you gave him. He is almost certainly not feeling the same as you are now or he would not have left. I'm sure he gave all sorts of reasons why he could not commit to you but fundamentally he did not want to or he would have gone into therapy or something to deal with 'his' issue. If you feel you've met the one for you, then you would desperately want it to work, to the extent that you tried to help him work through his problems. Plainly, his problems were not such an issue for him. I know it's hard to face but he left because this relationship wasn't right for him or what he needed. Let's face it, he wouldn't have left if it had been.

 

I'm sorry you met a guy who seemed he was everything but lacked that capacity to bond that you have. He was a guy with something missing. Please don't make excuses for him; it doesn't help you at all except perhaps to explain why he could be with you and take all you offered but not give the same back. Even if he is a 'damaged' person, he has hurt you and he doesn't deserve you. This is no reflection on you: you are clearly a loving woman who deserves so much better. You did click with him and I know how special that is. However, believe it or not, every so often we meet with people we have that connection with. It might be quite rare for you, as it is for me, but it's not impossible. As long as you hang on to the idea that this was the only guy for you, you will not be open to considering others. You still need to grieve the loss of this relationship first though.

 

I can understand how hurt you must feel and how you are thinking that because this guy has left that you are not a worthy person in some way, but this guy is not every guy. I recently had an experience with a guy who was very weird with me and I know most guys I meet are not remotely like that. Most seem to like me and want to spend time with me. Just because one is negative, it does not mean the rest will be. You will find someone new and better who will be attracted to you and want to commit. You won't have to help him overcome his 'issues'. He will be there for you, admire you and love you. That is so much better than what you have experienced with this guy. You need to see him for what he is, not the idealised version you have in your head. He is an unreliable guy who will always let you down. He can't be trusted. Don't waste any more time hoping he'll change his mind or see the light - even if he did, he will do this again. He's already warned you he has this pattern of behaviour. Leave him to it!