Stuck

[jettingoff]

This was a one-year relationship with two stints of long-distance.

 

We met over a year ago while on "sabbatical" in another country. Both of us were taking time off from our 'real lives' back home. It started out as a short-term relationship as he had to go back in about two months. But we fell for each other and decided to try long distance and make it work. He went home, and I stayed on. We made plans to meet each other again soon. This first gap went well and we met again about three months later. We were together for another six or seven months before going on another long distance stint. This time it was longer - five months. And right now it's about one more month to go before I see him again. We fought a lot during these past few months. Maybe that's what distance does to you. I always just saw it as an obstacle we had to overcome as a couple and emerge stronger. But somewhere along the way things got really cold and while I'm still madly in love with him, he says he "thinks" he isn't in love with me anymore. He still loves me and this I believe, but the coldness and distance in our chats have overtaken him. He first told me this about three weeks ago - about a month after our chats went cold. I asked him to not give up and wait until we see each other again next month. He agreed he wouldn't. He repeated the same thing to me again a few days ago and to say I've been down in the dumps since would be an understatement. This time he delivered it with a punch and twist - that he thinks he still has feelings for his ex, and that he's always had them but he never knew them until now.

 

Here's the complicated part.

He's always been close to his ex. She was his best friend and they talked a lot and I never really had an issue with that because he had shown he was completely devoted to me and I trusted him. His ex has got three kids - none were fathered by him. He's always loved kids and during the two long distance stints while he was home he spent a lot of time with her kids and with her but I always believed it was nothing more than just friends. He says he doesn't know if he really has feelings for her. He says it might just be that he loves her kids a lot and it's not her that he's "in love with". *Note: English isn't his first language and his grasp of the concept of 'being in love with someone' is extremely loose.* I trust him when he said he didn't cheat on me. He says he's not planning on telling her how he feels because she doesn't want a relationship right now and he's not too concerned with her knowing either. He also said his feelings for her are faint and that he doesn't even notice them. I'm confused as to whether he actually has feelings for her and is in love with her or if she's just someone very special to him - the latter of which I can accept and handle. He says I'm someone he liked and loved and while he's still "in love" with me, he's not "in love" with me like he was before. I asked if I was just a "time-pass"/experiment to him these past few months - someone to be with until he eventually went back home, maybe to be with her, maybe not. He said no to all these. I genuinely believe that while we were together, he did love me and he was in love with me. We had planned a future together. But some may just call me being stupidly in love. He says I'm still special to him and he wants me there to demonstrate that. We still text - definitely not like we used to - but there's still the casual how are yous and hope you're okays and I love yous, things like that.

 

I want to move on, but until I see him again in a month, I know I can't. I refuse to believe that distance didn't play a big part in the breakdown of our relationship. And I'm clinging onto any existing chance that we might work when we see each other again. This was the best relationship I've ever been in and I refuse to let it go without a fight. I've since told him we shouldn't talk anymore until we see each other again - much of this has to do with saving myself from feeling hurt when he doesn't reply.

 

We're going to see each other regardless in a month. I have so many questions I don't know where to begin. Our relationship was built on being honest and open with each other. We connected so well. I never bonded with anyone on an emotional level so quickly before. We just understood each other immediately right from the beginning. I've never liked that many guys before and I can truly say he's the first guy I've ever been in love with. He's said similar things to me before. What I loved the most was that there were no dating rules. We didn't go 'by the book'. We were completely open with each other about how we felt for each other. Nothing about whether saying I love you was too soon or anything like that.

 

Here come the questions.

Q1. Should I let him know I'm still fighting for us - at least until we see each other again? Or is it pointless? Bear in mind all these is over text.

Q2. Has he already moved on?

Q3. Was I just a "time-pass" to him?

Q4. Perhaps a rhetorical question - why build a future with me only to tell me he still has feelings for his ex?

 

The wound is still extremely fresh and raw but feel free to be brutal - perhaps it's what I need.