candie13 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 he is a flake. to me, that is irrespectful. people who do that to you over and over again will fck with your mind and self esteem and yes, they will make you appear irrational, illogical, paranoid and a bit crazy. It's the unexpected withdrawal that is driving you mad.... he won't change. the more time you spend investing emotionally, the harder it will be to leave. it won't get better. here's what happened to me: he completely emptied me. coming and then unexpectedly leaving. and kept coming back for more only to get even more scared and leave again. He drove me to depression, I don't remember ever being so miserable in my life. Until one day, I have had enough. Really. Enough was enough. And I've never looked back. I have no children, though, I could afford to stay and hit rock bottom before bouncing back... remember, staying together with a man who consistently shows you his disrespect for you is your choice. no one else's. is this how you want to be loved? is this how happiness looks like, to you? 1
preraph Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 There has never been an financial support nor obligation out of this relationship, in fact, since my EXH was so controlling, I don't allow it at all now. Dinners, gifts, and vacation yes, but that is all I accepted from him. My childhood was perfectly fine, until my father passed when I was 13, and it was my mother and siblings, until she remarried some 10 years later. My mother has since past as well in 2011. I think the root of my problem is abandonment from my EXH. "I THINK" it was a very abrupt departure, and lies, cheating, and being completely and utterly blindsided. But again, I don't know. My therapist keeps siding with me on so many different topics...and even I don't think my behavior is acceptable...so I am looking for another one. It's unusual for an adult event to give you abandonment issues but maybe since your dad died when you were 13, that was also, for practical purposes only, an abandonment. Anyway, people who have a parent or someone close to them at a young age often do struggle with all types of issues. The rose-colored glasses came off too early for you and you probably have to mentally prepare yourself for the worst. But why you wade forward when it's just not good, yes, probably trying to hold on to something. Hope you find a good new therapist. I went to a psychologist only once during a bad period and felt she didn't even have enough life experience to work with me, like it was all book learning for mainstream situations and not much help to me. But I do believe in therapy. I was just too depressed to keep looking for someone else at the time. Plus it was so expensive. You're very aware of yourself, so I think if you could just be strict with yourself about doing the right thing even when it hurts, it would be its own reward. I'm so glad you aren't financially dependent. Makes it so much harder. Good luck!
candie13 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 finding good therapy is exceptionally rare and paramount in getting better !
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 That is a bit nasty IMHO and sort of ridiculous for you to come up with. How is she being desperate? She want's a relationship. Let me tell you something. All my boyfriends knew I was a a bit needy and emotionally out of control at times. They accepted me for who I was and loved me (maybe more) because of it. I thought so myself, I mean after all we are all on here for support, suggestions, and of course, the truth...but that was so way off base. I didn't want to say anything b/c it was my choice to come on here and air my dirty laundry...some people are just not sensitive I suppose. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I thought so myself, I mean after all we are all on here for support, suggestions, and of course, the truth...but that was so way off base. I didn't want to say anything b/c it was my choice to come on here and air my dirty laundry...some people are just not sensitive I suppose. Relationships are difficult when both people are giving 100% to the relationship and are on the same page with what they want for now and for the future. I think this guy is bad news. He's keeping you "addicted" to him just enough so you won't leave. I hope you do decide to leave him and find someone who's more honest, kind and caring in both the winter AND the summer. 1
Author Apaige Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 Relationships are difficult when both people are giving 100% to the relationship and are on the same page with what they want for now and for the future. I think this guy is bad news. He's keeping you "addicted" to him just enough so you won't leave. I hope you do decide to leave him and find someone who's more honest, kind and caring in both the winter AND the summer. Brigit_1 Thank you for you kind and thoughtful words, and advice. I really do appreciate it. This is a really hard time for me. This is my one and only since my divorce...I never even dated anyone else. What I know about dating was way back when I was a kid, so I really have nothing to compare this to. It just plane sucks...emotions are real, and for someone to play with another person's emotions is just beyond me. It would be so much easier if he just stopped playing so many games. 1
candie13 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 It just plane sucks...emotions are real, and for someone to play with another person's emotions is just beyond me. It would be so much easier if he just stopped playing so many games. they are real to you. Looks like his "games" are there to stay. So you either decide to play along and keep him entertained or you dump him. Because one thing's for sure, he's not going to change. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Brigit_1 Thank you for you kind and thoughtful words, and advice. I really do appreciate it. This is a really hard time for me. This is my one and only since my divorce...I never even dated anyone else. What I know about dating was way back when I was a kid, so I really have nothing to compare this to. It just plane sucks...emotions are real, and for someone to play with another person's emotions is just beyond me. It would be so much easier if he just stopped playing so many games. I understand. The dating world seems very scary now. I met my husband when I was 26, that was 20 years ago. If he left me I'd be terrified to go out there now. In a way you are like a little girl to the new dating world. You're a grown woman now and you need to approach dating differently than you did when you met your husband. You need to focus more on a man's character and less on his charisma. There are great guys out there. They might not be the life of the party but that's OK. The party is overrated.
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Have you actually said to him that this is unacceptable? That things need to change or you will have to move on??? Asked why or asked to see if there can be a compromise? As for your therapist, you are here which tells me you should be looking for a new one or a different type of therapy. Abandonment issues it a tough one to treat because it affects everything in your life....making choices, coping skills, self worth. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Have you actually said to him that this is unacceptable? That things need to change or you will have to move on??? Asked why or asked to see if there can be a compromise? As for your therapist, you are here which tells me you should be looking for a new one or a different type of therapy. Abandonment issues it a tough one to treat because it affects everything in your life....making choices, coping skills, self worth. Very true.
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