Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Let me guess here....you think he is seeing someone? Ummm. Can't say that thought hasn't crossed my mind...
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 That's weird that it's seasonal. Is he busier with work during the summer? What's different about his life between summer and winter? His work slows down in the summer! Idk what is different, he has his son less in the summer, his friends like to go out more in the summer. Where we live it's more of a summer time party area. I don't mind going out, but I am a mother first, and I don't have a problem only going out as a couple with friends. I'm not saying he can never go out alone, but I think when you are in a committed relationship, going out every weekend with the guys is a bit much. There is no reason why we can't do that stuff as a couple even with his non coupled friends. I get along great with all of his friends. My friends are all married and don't so much of the going out to adult type stuff. He is the only one out of his close friends in a "committed" relationship.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Is it due to work? His work actually slows down in the summer. He does kitchen, bath and full guts. He works on summer homes and rentals, so the home owners and renters come to the shore towns in the summer months, so usually all major projects are done by Memorial Day ( May)
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 It sounds like he enjoys things that you do not. I have a guy night every other weekend, and my GF is 100% supportive of this. I could even handle every other weekend. And it's not that, I queation why it goes from me being invited to not being invited.
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 He has friends that are not in relationships, he wants to act single with his buddies....he isn't relationship material.....you are letting him have his cake and eat it too. You are not happy with this arrangment so it's time to go. There are plenty of nice men out there that want the same thing as you do.
54JA Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Did you say that you have been with this guy for 2 years?
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 It is what it is, you two have different expectations. You can complain about it til the cows come home it's not going to improve or change. So walk.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Did you say that you have been with this guy for 2 years? Yes 2 years, but something tells me that you know this already, as it is in the thread above. But something tells me that there's more to that comment. So go ahead, give it to me.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 It is what it is, you two have different expectations. You can complain about it til the cows come home it's not going to improve or change. So walk. I'm trying!!! I don't know how to, which is why I posted this thread.
Brigit_1 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Well yes, it is very possible!!! My husband of 15 years up and left me for a younger chick, less then a month after my mother died!!!so, I would venture to guess that you are correct on this one!!!! Well done I'm so sorry. Your ex-husband sounds horrible. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 The more independent you are the more desirable you become to others. He will respect you more. I don't agree with this. Even if she became Wonder Woman he wouldn't respect her more. When a woman tries to be more independent because she thinks men will want her more she falls into a terrible trap. Denying the true self while STILL looking for validation from men. 1
54JA Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Yes 2 years, but something tells me that you know this already, as it is in the thread above. But something tells me that there's more to that comment. So go ahead, give it to me. Haha. Yes, there's more. I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing based on what you wrote, that you are not a teenager or in your early 20s. I am almost 40, and reflecting back, time goes by a lot faster these days than it did when I was younger. So, my point is that, while some may say "2 years is enough for a full commitment, etc," your relationship with your boyfriend could still at the early stage, where both of you are still feeling things out.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Haha. Yes, there's more. I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing based on what you wrote, that you are not a teenager or in your early 20s. I am almost 40, and reflecting back, time goes by a lot faster these days than it did when I was younger. So, my point is that, while some may say "2 years is enough for a full commitment, etc," your relationship with your boyfriend could still at the early stage, where both of you are still feeling things out. Ahhh...I see, yes I am in my 40's. And I am not sure, but let me say this just this past May, he gave me a ring (not an engagement ring, b/c I am still opposed to marriage) but a ring, and he told me that this is a ring to symbolize his love for me, and even though we have obstacles to still over come (my opposition to marriage, my trust issues, our living arrangments (kids being in seperate schools...and so on) he knows that we are on this path TOGETHER. And then Bam, just like that the calls dwindle, the text dwindle, our time together dwindle...So, this is why I am so confused about the whole thing. Whether, I am over-reacting or not, Idk. I have been so messed up in my head since my divorce. I am searching and reaching for answers, alas, the reason why I am here.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Most likely for the same reason an alcoholic can't stop drinking and a drug addict can't stop using, even when they KNOW it hurts them and is BAD for them...and everyone around them (in your case your kids). They are addicted.... and so are you, your boyfriend being your "drug" of choice. Google *love addiction*, it's VERY real. Not sure what it's gonna take for you to finally kick it (him, the relationship).. but the good news is....at least you acknowledge that this is YOUR problem .....and you are not in denial about it! That is the first step in the recovery process.... have you considered getting some professional help to help you get stronger and leave this toxic situation? A support group perhaps? Some addicts need to hit rock bottom ... before they just decide on their own to end the insanity..... but since you have kids to consider .....it is best you make that decision NOW.....before it gets so bad, it becomes detrimental to your kids! Good luck hon.....that's a tough one. BTW-I did google this, and I found a lot of useful information. So, thanks for the heads up.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Sometimes things come up. I think it is kinda scary that you are flipping out so much over one dinner date that he cancelled on you. If he was doing this stuff every other date sure, be angry. The last time he cancelled on you was a year ago, and you are flipping out, crying, making Internet threads about how bad things are, and considering stalking his house at night. Unreal. Again, I will clarify this; It wasn't once in a year. It's a series of events over the summer. This is how it is, this was the first time this summer so far, but I've done this. I thought we were on the same page this summer with it. Guess not
katiegrl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Ahhh...I see, yes I am in my 40's. And I am not sure, but let me say this just this past May, he gave me a ring (not an engagement ring, b/c I am still opposed to marriage) but a ring, and he told me that this is a ring to symbolize his love for me, and even though we have obstacles to still over come (my opposition to marriage, my trust issues, our living arrangments (kids being in seperate schools...and so on) he knows that we are on this path TOGETHER. And then Bam, just like that the calls dwindle, the text dwindle, our time together dwindle...So, this is why I am so confused about the whole thing. Whether, I am over-reacting or not, Idk. I have been so messed up in my head since my divorce. I am searching and reaching for answers, alas, the reason why I am here. Call me crazy.. but have you asked him why his attention dwindles down during the summer? If not, why the hell not? Don't accuse him of anything.....just say you have noticed and am wondering what's up? Encourage him to share with you why this happens......stay open and accepting. And why have you not asked him and discussed this with him? He is your boyfriend is he not? Talk to him! Find out what's going on. Communicate.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Call me crazy.. but have you asked him why his attention dwindles down during the summer? If not, why the hell not? Don't accuse him of anything.....just say you have noticed and am wondering what's up? Encourage him to share with you why this happens......stay open and accepting. And why have you not asked him and discussed this with him? He is your boyfriend is he not? Talk to him! Find out what's going on. Communicate. I have asked, and he starts with I am jealous, and I have trust issues...this is all true (I would assume b/c of my EXH shenanigans, but I am going to therapy for this) I don't question things as if you ARE CHEATING ON ME, I ask him why above things have changed, and It always turns into, "YOU DON"T TRUST"
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 I'm confused. How long have you been dating him? Reason I ask is because last month you started a thread about your ex who left you in January three years ago. You said you were recently missing him, another poster said it's cause you have not found anyone else and you miss being in a relationship......and you agreed (or to be more accurate, you "liked" the post and did not disagree). This was said less than a month ago. Something's not jiving. What am I missing? I did respond to this, and I don't see the response. So, here it goes...I am not sure what I said in the thread, I did try to find it and I can't find it. But anyhow, I think the thread was more along the lines, of missing something, not sure what...maybe my "unit" maybe the closeness, stability, doing family things together...and if I remember correctly, it was the first time in 3 years that we actually got a long, and had a 1 hour phone conversation. So, if I said I missed him, Im sure that was not explained properly. I wish I could find the post. At any rate, as you can if this was one month ago, I was feeling iffy then about my current relationship. I was missing those (above said things) back then.
katiegrl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) I have asked, and he starts with I am jealous, and I have trust issues...this is all true (I would assume b/c of my EXH shenanigans, but I am going to therapy for this) I don't question things as if you ARE CHEATING ON ME, I ask him why above things have changed, and It always turns into, "YOU DON"T TRUST" Okay I am sorry but that is bullshyt ......and you need to leave this douchebag TODAY! What he is doing is called *gaslighting* - it's the biggest form of manipulation going .....shifting the blame away from himself for essentially disappearing during the summer.....and flipping it back on you .... calling you insecure, jealous, etc. for simply asking what's up......which you have every right to ask and to know the reason for.... in the first place! He is your boyfriend! He is hiding something .... perhaps another woman who spends the summers there, who knows!.....but you know what? NOT your problem. JUST LEAVE. Today if possible. If not for you, then for your kids! This is NOT a healthy environment for you or anyone's kids to be raised in. Edited July 19, 2015 by katiegrl
casey.lives Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 if you know what he's like... don't put your children through the emotional let downs.. your job is to protect your children from pain.. yours and THEIRS. they're not your friends, they're your children!!! 1
preraph Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I don't know on what level, but on some level you are way too desperate. If you've never stood on your own and supported yourself and your kids before, you need to do that so you know you can and won't hang on to people for financial support. Not saying that's it, but everyone needs to do that at some point, preferably early on because it gives them self-esteem and confidence and takes away most types of desperation. You may have something in your background where you're repeating a relationship you had with a parent where this behavior or part of it was normal for you growing up. It's a sad fact that many women pick men like the one who had the most troublesome influence on them, and then they try to fix them. Also, if your father or mother was like that and the other one did what you're doing, that's normal to you. But it's not healthy. You just have to get to a place where you don't "need" anyone who isn't contributing mostly positively in your life and throw back the ones who are keeping you down. You may never emotionally not feel the pull you have to them, but for the sake of your kids and who is modeling behavior for them, you need to override your emotional impulses that aren't healthy with your rational mind (because you're smart and you know it's not right) and just do what is right. You know what's right already. You are just not self-disciplined enough to take action on it. Do it for your kids or they'll repeat these same mistakes.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 I don't know on what level, but on some level you are way too desperate. If you've never stood on your own and supported yourself and your kids before, you need to do that so you know you can and won't hang on to people for financial support. Not saying that's it, but everyone needs to do that at some point, preferably early on because it gives them self-esteem and confidence and takes away most types of desperation. You may have something in your background where you're repeating a relationship you had with a parent where this behavior or part of it was normal for you growing up. It's a sad fact that many women pick men like the one who had the most troublesome influence on them, and then they try to fix them. Also, if your father or mother was like that and the other one did what you're doing, that's normal to you. But it's not healthy. You just have to get to a place where you don't "need" anyone who isn't contributing mostly positively in your life and throw back the ones who are keeping you down. You may never emotionally not feel the pull you have to them, but for the sake of your kids and who is modeling behavior for them, you need to override your emotional impulses that aren't healthy with your rational mind (because you're smart and you know it's not right) and just do what is right. You know what's right already. You are just not self-disciplined enough to take action on it. Do it for your kids or they'll repeat these same mistakes. There has never been an financial support nor obligation out of this relationship, in fact, since my EXH was so controlling, I don't allow it at all now. Dinners, gifts, and vacation yes, but that is all I accepted from him. My childhood was perfectly fine, until my father passed when I was 13, and it was my mother and siblings, until she remarried some 10 years later. My mother has since past as well in 2011. I think the root of my problem is abandonment from my EXH. "I THINK" it was a very abrupt departure, and lies, cheating, and being completely and utterly blindsided. But again, I don't know. My therapist keeps siding with me on so many different topics...and even I don't think my behavior is acceptable...so I am looking for another one.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Okay I am sorry but that is bullshyt ......and you need to leave this douchebag TODAY! What he is doing is called *gaslighting* - it's the biggest form of manipulation going .....shifting the blame away from himself for essentially disappearing during the summer.....and flipping it back on you .... calling you insecure, jealous, etc. for simply asking what's up......which you have every right to ask and to know the reason for.... in the first place! He is your boyfriend! He is hiding something .... perhaps another woman who spends the summers there, who knows!.....but you know what? NOT your problem. JUST LEAVE. Today if possible. If not for you, then for your kids! This is NOT a healthy environment for you or anyone's kids to be raised in. I know that I have to leave the relationship...I am trying to get the motivation to do so. I don't know what happened to me, I NEVER had a problem before...you don't like me, oh well, and I'd walk...I can't anymore...These last 3 years of my life have beaten me up, yes, my self esteem is lowered, I don't feel worthy...am I desperate? Eh, not sure, but I know that I am not desperate for the person, I am desperate for the stability, and emotional stuff that goes along with a relationship. I just can't seem to let go, and move on.
Brigit_1 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I don't know on what level, but on some level you are way too desperate. If you've never stood on your own and supported yourself and your kids before, you need to do that so you know you can and won't hang on to people for financial support. Not saying that's it, but everyone needs to do that at some point, preferably early on because it gives them self-esteem and confidence and takes away most types of desperation. That is a bit nasty IMHO and sort of ridiculous for you to come up with. How is she being desperate? She want's a relationship. Let me tell you something. All my boyfriends knew I was a a bit needy and emotionally out of control at times. They accepted me for who I was and loved me (maybe more) because of it. 2
Brigit_1 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I know that I have to leave the relationship...I am trying to get the motivation to do so. I don't know what happened to me, I NEVER had a problem before...you don't like me, oh well, and I'd walk...I can't anymore...These last 3 years of my life have beaten me up, yes, my self esteem is lowered, I don't feel worthy...am I desperate? Eh, not sure, but I know that I am not desperate for the person, I am desperate for the stability, and emotional stuff that goes along with a relationship. I just can't seem to let go, and move on. Don't let everyone pin the word "desperate" on you. ANYONE who has joined a relationship site and spends their time reading threads is a bit lonely and wants to be less so. It is NORMAL to want a relationship and be a bit confused when the other person is giving mixed signals. 1
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