Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I'm not sure if this goes in breaks and breaking up, but since we aren't either and we were still dating, I'm putting it here. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?! Why can't I just walk!! Why do I always wait for the other person to decide? Is it my willingness to never quit? What is wrong with me?? We had plans, we discussed times and place, he said it sounds good, and just like that he blows me off with a simple "I'm sorry-I got tied up ( buying a new radio for his car) I haven't showered, and it's getting late. 7:30 PM, mind you. My children and I sat here and waited. I am beyond pissed, but all I can do is cry? Why, how could I be so stupid to sit here and cry after the way he treated me?! I have half a mind to drive by his house and see if he will even be home like he says. Another stupid thought on my part...why, why do I feel the need to spy on him, why do I feel the need to sit here and cry over some insensitive as# that wasn't even thinking of me, or my children!! Why can't I just say I am Effen done?!?!?! Ugh, I am so mad at myself right now!! And the said part is, I am sitting here and wondering if I'll ever see him again. As I have mentioned things have been off for the last month with him and I, but then he comes back with full force, being my BF and treating me special, inviting me to his sons karate, going out to dinner with him and his son just last night, and then wham...tonight, a big fat punch in the gut!! And I sit here feeling sorry for myself, sick to my stomach, and locking myself in my room for a good cry so that my children don't see me!! And yet, I can't walk away from him, I wonder when I'll see him again!! PRETTY PATHETIC!!!
Redhead14 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I'm not sure if this goes in breaks and breaking up, but since we aren't either and we were still dating, I'm putting it here. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?! Why can't I just walk!! Why do I always wait for the other person to decide? Is it my willingness to never quit? What is wrong with me?? We had plans, we discussed times and place, he said it sounds good, and just like that he blows me off with a simple "I'm sorry-I got tied up ( buying a new radio for his car) I haven't showered, and it's getting late. 7:30 PM, mind you. My children and I sat here and waited. I am beyond pissed, but all I can do is cry? Why, how could I be so stupid to sit here and cry after the way he treated me?! I have half a mind to drive by his house and see if he will even be home like he says. Another stupid thought on my part...why, why do I feel the need to spy on him, why do I feel the need to sit here and cry over some insensitive as# that wasn't even thinking of me, or my children!! Why can't I just say I am Effen done?!?!?! Ugh, I am so mad at myself right now!! And the said part is, I am sitting here and wondering if I'll ever see him again. As I have mentioned things have been off for the last month with him and I, but then he comes back with full force, being my BF and treating me special, inviting me to his sons karate, going out to dinner with him and his son just last night, and then wham...tonight, a big fat punch in the gut!! And I sit here feeling sorry for myself, sick to my stomach, and locking myself in my room for a good cry so that my children don't see me!! And yet, I can't walk away from him, I wonder when I'll see him again!! PRETTY PATHETIC!!! Because you are feeling like you have no control. And, you don't. You cannot control how a man treats you. But you can control whether or not you will accept that behavior. If a man isn't meeting your needs, you move on. Give up the need for or feeling that you can control it. Men who have been doing what he's been doing are what are called Quality Casual Guys. They treat a woman like a girlfriend in lots of ways, make them feel special, etc, while in fact maintaining a position that they are not a boyfriend. Basically, they are really, really, nice players. They aren't quite jerks, until they are. You actually do have control. End this one and find one who can give you everything you want or at least makes that effort all the time, not just when it suits him. 2
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 low self worth that's why....you have what is called codependency to relationships. You depend on them to give you identity. 2
katiegrl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Most likely for the same reason an alcoholic can't stop drinking and a drug addict can't stop using, even when they KNOW it hurts them and is BAD for them...and everyone around them (in your case your kids). They are addicted.... and so are you, your boyfriend being your "drug" of choice. Google *love addiction*, it's VERY real. Not sure what it's gonna take for you to finally kick it (him, the relationship).. but the good news is....at least you acknowledge that this is YOUR problem .....and you are not in denial about it! That is the first step in the recovery process.... have you considered getting some professional help to help you get stronger and leave this toxic situation? A support group perhaps? Some addicts need to hit rock bottom ... before they just decide on their own to end the insanity..... but since you have kids to consider .....it is best you make that decision NOW.....before it gets so bad, it becomes detrimental to your kids! Good luck hon.....that's a tough one. 2
Gus Grimly Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Google *love addiction*, it's VERY real. I didn't believe it till my fiance broke up with me. The first week, I was physically sick. Bed ridden for 2 days. katiegrl, you're right, it's no joke.
katiegrl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I didn't believe it till my fiance broke up with me. The first week, I was physically sick. Bed ridden for 2 days. katiegrl, you're right, it's no joke. Yup.....typical withdrawal symptoms. I am sorry you went through that....you okay now?
babycakees Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 As I have mentioned things have been off for the last month with him and I, but then he comes back with full force, being my BF and treating me special, inviting me to his sons karate, going out to dinner with him and his son just last night, and then wham...tonight, a big fat punch in the gut!! This is a sign of an abusive relationship. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. You need to find the strength to end this. This isn't the first time you've posted about this relationship on here. You need to hold your head high and tell yourself you deserve better than this. This guy is not your price charming. I wish you luck. Things will get better. 1
54JA Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 What was the plan he had for you and your kids? How often does he flake on you like this?
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 What was the plan he had for you and your kids? How often does he flake on you like this? He hasn't flaked in about a year. Seems to happen in the summer months. We were all supposed to go to dinner. We did speak he did tell me that he was running around still, but I thought he just meant he would be running late. I had no clue that he was not coming at all, until I asked. And then he said it was getting late. After I thought about it, he was getting things that he needed for a job that he was starting on Monday, and he wasn't able to do the running tomorrow b/c the cabinet place is closed. I am not making excuses for him, but just trying to get as much clarity that I can.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) I'm not sure if this goes in breaks and breaking up, but since we aren't either and we were still dating, I'm putting it here. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?! Why can't I just walk!! Why do I always wait for the other person to decide? Is it my willingness to never quit? What is wrong with me?? We had plans, we discussed times and place, he said it sounds good, and just like that he blows me off with a simple "I'm sorry-I got tied up ( buying a new radio for his car) I haven't showered, and it's getting late. 7:30 PM, mind you. My children and I sat here and waited. I am beyond pissed, but all I can do is cry? Why, how could I be so stupid to sit here and cry after the way he treated me?! I have half a mind to drive by his house and see if he will even be home like he says. Another stupid thought on my part...why, why do I feel the need to spy on him, why do I feel the need to sit here and cry over some insensitive as# that wasn't even thinking of me, or my children!! Why can't I just say I am Effen done?!?!?! Ugh, I am so mad at myself right now!! And the said part is, I am sitting here and wondering if I'll ever see him again. As I have mentioned things have been off for the last month with him and I, but then he comes back with full force, being my BF and treating me special, inviting me to his sons karate, going out to dinner with him and his son just last night, and then wham...tonight, a big fat punch in the gut!! And I sit here feeling sorry for myself, sick to my stomach, and locking myself in my room for a good cry so that my children don't see me!! And yet, I can't walk away from him, I wonder when I'll see him again!! PRETTY PATHETIC!!! Just a quick update. I did not go off on him, as I would have in the past. I am just so over all this BS, and honestly, I am just emotionally exhausted. At any rate, he did text me, and he apologized again, and then invited me to go out with him tomorrow on the water...I didn't feel that it was sincere, maybe just a way to "make it up to me", but I wasn't a b*tch about it. I thanked him for the invite, and told him that I had things that I have to get done. I am just so over all of the BS...I need to walk. Thoughts on the invite welcomed. BTW-he was doing the radio earlier today, and still had to pick up the cabinets for his job on Monday. Edited July 19, 2015 by Apaige
54JA Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 It's awesome that you are trying to get some clarity! I asked because I wanted to know if it was him or you before I gave my 2 cents. I wanted to get a better sense on whether the guy really has been treating you like crap, or if it was your insecurity talking/you are overreacting. If the guy hasn't flaked you in a year, then it sounds like you were just overreacting? Many of us tend to overreact, let our insecurity run wild in our minds when it comes to our boyfriends, especially if we have been hurt in the past. I did this in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, whom I have been with for over 10 years. He is a great guy, and I almost ruined it because of my insecurity, but now I have learned to trust him and stopped overreacting every time a plan changes. I did go to therapy, and my therapist helped me see things more realistically, helped me keep my insecurity in check. Things are much easier and less stressful now.
Brigit_1 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 He hasn't flaked in about a year. Seems to happen in the summer months. We were all supposed to go to dinner. We did speak he did tell me that he was running around still, but I thought he just meant he would be running late. I had no clue that he was not coming at all, until I asked. And then he said it was getting late. After I thought about it, he was getting things that he needed for a job that he was starting on Monday, and he wasn't able to do the running tomorrow b/c the cabinet place is closed. I am not making excuses for him, but just trying to get as much clarity that I can. Flaking once a year is very acceptable. Why did you get so upset?
katiegrl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) He hasn't flaked in about a year. Seems to happen in the summer months. We were all supposed to go to dinner. We did speak he did tell me that he was running around still, but I thought he just meant he would be running late. I had no clue that he was not coming at all, until I asked. And then he said it was getting late. After I thought about it, he was getting things that he needed for a job that he was starting on Monday, and he wasn't able to do the running tomorrow b/c the cabinet place is closed. I am not making excuses for him, but just trying to get as much clarity that I can. I'm confused. How long have you been dating him? Reason I ask is because last month you started a thread about your ex who left you in January three years ago. You said you were recently missing him, another poster said it's cause you have not found anyone else and you miss being in a relationship......and you agreed (or to be more accurate, you "liked" the post and did not disagree). This was said less than a month ago. Something's not jiving. What am I missing? Edited July 19, 2015 by katiegrl
Redhead14 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I'm confused. How long have you been dating him? Reason I ask is because last month you started a thread about your ex who left you in January three years ago. You said you were recently missing him, another poster said it's cause you have not found anyone else and you miss being in a relationship......and you agreed. This was said less than a month ago. Something's not jiving. What am I missing? Yeah, something is missing here. And now that i see that he only flaked once in a year, i say she was way overreacting or there are other things telling her something is wrong but doesnt accept that and is now just triggered. Y this and the reality of the situation is clearer to her.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 I'm confused. How long have you been dating him? Reason I ask is because last month you started a thread about your ex who left you in January three years ago. You said you were recently missing him, another poster said it's cause you have not found anyone else and you miss being in a relationship......and you agreed. This was said less than a month ago. Something's not jiving. What am I missing? Allow me to clarify a few things...my exH and I have been divorced going on three years, I have been dating my current for the last two years. I have been having many mixed feelings for about a month now with my BF. So when I posted that, it's bc I started missing the closeness of a solid ( married relationship) I don't remember exactly what I posted, but obviously a month ago as mentioned above, I have felt that my current relationship was real rocky, and unstable. And so I agreed to her post bc I haven't found somebody that has made me feel stable, and perhaps loved. Maybe that makes better sense. Not sure
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Flaking once a year is very acceptable. Why did you get so upset? It's not about flaking once in a year...it's difficult to communicate through threads. I've posted before about my BF's behavior in the summer months. He goes from hot ( in the winter) to cold (in the summer)so when I say he's flaked about a year ago, it was more then one te last year...it happens off and on throughout the summer months. Maybe that makes better sense
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Possible that you have some abodnoment issues? parents divorced when you were little? Daddy wasn't around much growing up? Maybe you need to love yourself first and learn to stop depending on a man to give you self worth.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Possible that you have some abodnoment issues? parents divorced when you were little? Daddy wasn't around much growing up? Maybe you need to love yourself first and learn to stop depending on a man to give you self worth. Well yes, it is very possible!!! My husband of 15 years up and left me for a younger chick, less then a month after my mother died!!!so, I would venture to guess that you are correct on this one!!!! Well done
54JA Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 It's not about flaking once in a year...it's difficult to communicate through threads. I've posted before about my BF's behavior in the summer months. He goes from hot ( in the winter) to cold (in the summer)so when I say he's flaked about a year ago, it was more then one te last year...it happens off and on throughout the summer months. Maybe that makes better sense What does he do when he is being cold?
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I think you focus too much on the negative, rather than the positive. You have your own life, your children to raise......maybe if you focus on doing nice things for yourself and your children that would steer you away from thinking about what might happen. The more independent you are the more desirable you become to others. He will respect you more. 1
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 It's awesome that you are trying to get some clarity! I asked because I wanted to know if it was him or you before I gave my 2 cents. I wanted to get a better sense on whether the guy really has been treating you like crap, or if it was your insecurity talking/you are overreacting. If the guy hasn't flaked you in a year, then it sounds like you were just overreacting? Many of us tend to overreact, let our insecurity run wild in our minds when it comes to our boyfriends, especially if we have been hurt in the past. I did this in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, whom I have been with for over 10 years. He is a great guy, and I almost ruined it because of my insecurity, but now I have learned to trust him and stopped overreacting every time a plan changes. I did go to therapy, and my therapist helped me see things more realistically, helped me keep my insecurity in check. Things are much easier and less stressful now. It really hasn't just been one time in a year. He does from hot to cold in summer months. I go from being the perfect GF all winter with him coming here a few days a week, to me being the only one visiting him in the summer months. I have no idea how many times he flaked on me all last summer. So, no, it wasn't just this once..it has been several last summer, and it would be many more this summer.
Author Apaige Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 What does he do when he is being cold? All winter long we see each other about 4 times a week, I go to him twice a week, and he'd come to me twice a week. We celebrate holidays together, I watch his son for him, we do many things together...summer months come, and I see him only 2 a week, and that's bc I go to him on those two nights. He doesn't make plans that often with me, I'll ask if he wants to so this or that, and he'll say, oh I'll have to let you know. Not like before, he'd say ok sure. His calls, and texts start to dwindle down. He has his son less, and spends less time with me. The pattern completely changes from winter to summer!!
54JA Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 All winter long we see each other about 4 times a week, I go to him twice a week, and he'd come to me twice a week. We celebrate holidays together, I watch his son for him, we do many things together...summer months come, and I see him only 2 a week, and that's bc I go to him on those two nights. He doesn't make plans that often with me, I'll ask if he wants to so this or that, and he'll say, oh I'll have to let you know. Not like before, he'd say ok sure. His calls, and texts start to dwindle down. He has his son less, and spends less time with me. The pattern completely changes from winter to summer!! That's weird that it's seasonal. Is he busier with work during the summer? What's different about his life between summer and winter?
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Let me guess here....you think he is seeing someone?
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