unknown249 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Hi guys, I have been with my man for about 7 months, although I have known him for much much longer (about 10 years). Things had been a bit strange lately; for example when we went out clubbing and he got drunk he told me that he worries he met me too soon. Then last week he started distancing and we barely spoke. So Thursday night I saw him in person and asked him about his behaviour. Two times he denies anything was wrong, or he kept changing the subject. Third time I said "Why does it feel like there is something wrong? I know there is, I would rather you be honest about what it is now. If you're having doubts you can tell me". After this he continued to tell me how he felt unsure. He said it wasn't that he didn't like spending time with me or seeing me, because he did. It was more that he worries if he committed to me the way I wanted him to (more than once a week, telling my family about us, going on holidays), that he wouldn't be able to do the things he wants in his life. That he would be settled down and tied to one place for the rest of it, and that thought scared him. (Some background; he has previously been interested in joining the marines, the navy or studying in Germany. He spoke about travelling the world and living in Georgia for some time. He very much values his independence which I have respected throughout the whole relationship). He said he hasn't made the decision and if he went with what I wanted it would be like I made the decision for him. He also said he hasn't had chance to miss me, which really upset me because I miss him so much when we are apart. Deep down I guess I knew he felt this way, so I suggested we break up. He said to go on and break for him to figure it out - and if he doesn't come back then I know what it means. I am worried to death of losing him because I love him so much. I give him what time he wants to himself and try to be completely understanding. I am not sure whether there is anything left to do now.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I think this is a permanent break-up, OP. I'm sorry because I know it hurts. From what you describe, he was only half-committed to you. Only seeing each other once a week and not telling his family about you after 7 months is a big sign he wasn't fully into this relationship. You should still essentially be in the honeymoon phase and he knew he wasn't feeling it. You wanted more and he knew he wasn't going to be able to give you that. Even though it's hurtful, this is going to be the best decision for you both in the long run. Don't waste time on someone who doesn't want what you want. It sounds like you gave him plenty of space and understanding, but what about your needs? I gather this relationship wasn't heading the direction you desired. Focus on healing you now. Don't wait around for him. Do you mind if I ask how old you both are, and what your relationship history is like? (ie. do you have much dating experience?) 1
Morphine Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 My and my ex had broken up 3 times. 1st time was short, not big deal. 2nd she wanted a break. I didnt want to give it to her...we broke up for a week and she came back to me because she felt insecure and lost. 3rd time (3 weeks ago) she LEFT ME due to GIGS as she needs to figure herself out and not to date guys (she is now dating). Moral of the story: I should have given her a break when she asked for it 2nd time...perhaps she would have found out who she really is and perhaps we would get back together after some time...instead we got 2 months of honeymoon period, 10months of average relationship and massive break up at the end AND she met a new guy. My heart is broken into trillion pieces. My advice: give him a break. If you prevent him from doing what he wants to do now, he will do it anyways....just later on. If the love is true, he will come back. I cant say the same abt my ex because too much smg has been done. I wish i had given her a break 2nd time she asked. In the meantime, focus on yourself. Enjoy going out. Do some girly stuff. Anything that will allow you to discovet bew things about yourself. 2
stillafool Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 It's over. He seemed happy you let him go. Sorry sometimes it's like this but at least you found out early (7 mnonths) rather than down the road after wasting more years. Go no contact and heal. Good luck. 5
Satu Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I think its over too, though it pains me to say it. He's just not ready to make a commitment. Take care. 2
StrangerThanFiction Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I agree that it sounds like it's over. You two don't sound like you're in the same place commitmentwise. Also, you shouldn't have to be miserable and missing him all the time while you were in a relationship. Your happiness is just as important as his and you shouldn't have to sacrifice that just to be with someone. 2
54JA Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I am so sorry you are going through this. This really is a matter of how much pain you are willing to subject yourself to. This is a matter of how willing you are to take the risk of being hurt again, prolonging the pain and the start of your healing, without any set timeline or promise of reward. When you are deciding whether to take this as a "temporary" break or interpret as a permanent break, I think it's important for you to think about whether the pain of waiting will be worth the type of reconciliation you will have with your bf. Like someone here already suggested, there is no guarantee that this temporary break will somehow wake him up to a whole new commitment mindset. It's very possible that he will break up again, especially if he sees the relationship as a hindrance to his freedom/independence. There are some people who can view being in a committed relationship as an enhancer to their life. They don't view relationship as limiting their freedom, but rather, as a support that allows them to take on new challenges. If you do decide to wait for him, you could be forgoing the opportunity to be in a relationship where you are seen as a support/enhancer/strengths, etc. 2
Author unknown249 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate them and I am starting to come to terms with the fact that this may be completely over. Your words have really helped so thank you. However something happened last night. At 3.30 am he randomly text me and said "I hope you know that I really care about you". I didn't reply to him and have decided it's probably best I didn't at any point ... But should I read anything into this? Or is this what you'd call a breadcrumb? Thanks again all. Xx Edited July 19, 2015 by unknown249 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate them and I am starting to come to terms with the fact that this may be completely over. Your words have really helped so thank you. However something happened last night. At 3.30 am he randomly text me and said "I hope you know I really care about you". I didn't reply to him and have decided it's probably best I didn't at any point ... But should I read anything into this? Or is this what you'd call a breadcrumb? Thanks again all. Xx Yeah, it's a breadcrumb. At that time of night (hate to say it, but) it was probably a 'drunk text'. He says nothing to encourage a get-together, a reconciliation or a hint that he wants to get back on track with you. Breadcrumbs are sent to relieve their own guilt, not to reassure you. Sorry, but you need to send him a text to tell him "The only contact I want from you is when you tell me you want to be with me for ever. Anything less is unacceptable. Please have the decency and respect to not contact me again, unless it's to work on our relationship together. " And that's it. 1
Author unknown249 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Yeah, it's a breadcrumb. At that time of night (hate to say it, but) it was probably a 'drunk text'. He says nothing to encourage a get-together, a reconciliation or a hint that he wants to get back on track with you. Breadcrumbs are sent to relieve their own guilt, not to reassure you. Sorry, but you need to send him a text to tell him "The only contact I want from you is when you tell me you want to be with me for ever. Anything less is unacceptable. Please have the decency and respect to not contact me again, unless it's to work on our relationship together. " And that's it. Would you not recommend sticking with NC?
Survivor12 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate them and I am starting to come to terms with the fact that this may be completely over. Your words have really helped so thank you. However something happened last night. At 3.30 am he randomly text me and said "I hope you know that I really care about you". I didn't reply to him and have decided it's probably best I didn't at any point ... But should I read anything into this? Or is this what you'd call a breadcrumb? Thanks again all. Xx Sorry to say, not a breadcrumb, but a goodbye. He knows how much you care for him & doesn't want to hurt you so it's a gesture intended to soften the blow (and ease his conscience). The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept what you already knew & let him go. Although it hurts, trying to hold on will only cause you more pain than you are already feeling. 2
KellyBriggs Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Well, it seems that he's kinda "bored" of your relationship. He loves you, he does not want to hurt you that's why he lead you to ask him for a break. As every male in this world, he may think that he's missing a lot of fun by attaching too soon with his partner. So, now you've got to decide. Either you give up, let him go and call it a day, or you help him clear his mind and understand that he's going to have an exciting and happy life with you. If it's the first case, then let go and keep him as a great memory. Otherwise, you need to take action. Be focused and determined. What i've found to be working a lot is to make sure you trigger positive memories to your ex. You've got to stop being "needy" and giving him the option to return once and if his feeling are clear. You need to become witty and charming. I would refrain contacting him for a while and then make my calculated comeback. A couple of texts referring to happy memories could suffice to get things started. Keep reminding him that he's missing a lot without your love.
Satu Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Would you not recommend sticking with NC? If you consider that the relationship is over, NC will help you heal. *No direct contact in either direction. *No sending or receiving of messages. *No replies to any messages that get through. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Would you not recommend sticking with NC? Yup, absolutely. Absolutely none, absolutely.
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 ...he got drunk he told me that he worries he met me too soon. He said it wasn't that he didn't like spending time with me or seeing me, because he did. It was more that he worries if he committed to me the way I wanted him to ... that he wouldn't be able to do the things he wants in his life. That he would be settled down and tied to one place for the rest of it, and that thought scared him. (Some background; he has previously been interested in joining the marines, the navy or studying in Germany. He spoke about travelling the world and living in Georgia for some time. He very much values his independence which I have respected throughout the whole relationship). If this was a "normal" break due to fighting and not getting along, then maybe you would have a chance, but this is over a mismatch in what you both want to achieve in life and that is why I think it is definitely over for good. Here is a young man with dreams, dreams that do not include a wife and family, at least not initially. He doesn't want to be tied down in a relationship, a relationship that would hamper and complicate his life and most likely stop him doing what he really wants to do, no matter how understanding you would be.. He wants to explore the world as a single man, free to make his own decisions. I guess he was telling the truth when he said he met you too soon. He mostly likely sees you as potential wife material, but not just now, not at this time in his life. DO NOT wait for him, after his travels are through, he may be a completely different person. 1
veggirl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 What an ass! If you aren't ready for a serious relationship then here's an idea...don't get into one! I would dump any guy who told me he wants a break, who does he think I am? Some loser who is going to sit around and wait for him to make up his mind about me? No thanks. 1
Author unknown249 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) Hi all. Just an update for you. He contacted me again and asked to call me. I said to him it wasn't a good idea because he wanted space. He then went on to explain that he felt he didn't explain how much I actually meant to him and how the weekend had been horrible for him because he missed me and all he wanted and wants to do is talk to me and hear that I am doing ok. I then explained that it wasn't fair for him to say those things because of our situation, to which he replied "what if I was to say yes to us?". He then went on to talk about all the things we would do together in our future... I listened. He finally suggested that I tell my parents about us. How he trusted me and I should trust him. He said "I will always have your best interests at heart. I am sorry for the way I have been at times. That changes. You mean alot to me and I was scared to show it." I am seeing him tomorrow. It only took him 3 days and he is adamant that he doesn't need any more. I will obviously keep my guard up but I want to give this a shot. Thank you guys. Xx Edited July 19, 2015 by unknown249
nouedis Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Usually when a guy says that it's because there's someone else.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Hi all. Just an update for you. He contacted me again and asked to call me. I said to him it wasn't a good idea because he wanted space. He then went on to explain that he felt he didn't explain how much I actually meant to him and how the weekend had been horrible for him because he missed me and all he wanted and wants to do is talk to me and hear that I am doing ok. I then explained that it wasn't fair for him to say those things because of our situation, to which he replied "what if I was to say yes to us?". He then went on to talk about all the things we would do together in our future... I listened. There's still something missing here.... He finally suggested that I tell my parents about us. How he trusted me and I should trust him. He said "I will always have your best interests at heart. I am sorry for the way I have been at times. That changes. You mean alot to me and I was scared to show it." He didn't have YOUR best interests at heart when he decided he wanted a 'break'. He had his.... I am seeing him tomorrow. It only took him 3 days and he is adamant that he doesn't need any more. I will obviously keep my guard up but I want to give this a shot. Be very, very careful. You left his comfort zone. That made him feel insecure.... # He doesn't seem to have said "I need you in my life and realise I can't live without you; I love you." He talks about trust; if anyone has to PROVE they can be trusted, it's him.... It seems to me he gets cold feet, either way. He needs to really step up to the plate, now. Best of luck. By all means link arms, but keep your powder dry....
Morphine Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 If this was a "normal" break due to fighting and not getting along, then maybe you would have a chance, but this is over a mismatch in what you both want to achieve in life and that is why I think it is definitely over for goodn. I agree. This mismatch had caused my R to collapse. It is funny, however, because my gf has changed by 180 degrees within a spacd of 1 day after meeting "THE guy". Prob GIGS but she wants to party, drink, smoke, prob takes drugs, do "artsy things" (her words), be a model (at age of 25) and what-not. And I am starting my career as a doctor and aspiring neurosurgeon. There is NO way we are getting back together in this state UNLESS her GIGS fades away. But then there is a risk it may happen again. It is a funny thing with relationships....you may try again with you ex but you have no idea how this may end! It can go both directions!
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Yup, it's over. For whatever reason he wasn't fully in the relationship. Go NC & find an available partner who wants to be in a normal full time relationship.
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