guild11 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Hello, pretty simple question - is it good to treat your girlfriend right ALWAYS ? I'm the good guy type and I dont have a personality of being an ass to a woman. Some of my buddies say if your'e too nice then that will actually push them away, that sometimes I should dont give a damn, because when I'm not 100% available that will cause them/her want you more. Can I get some insight ?
Keenly Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 My experience plays out the way you describe, but to pin the blame solely on me being a nice person would probably be wrong. I've overlooked red flags without realizing it in the name of being nice. I've smothered in the name of being nice. I've been a victim of emotional abuse in the name of being nice. I've been walked all over in the name of being nice. Those are probably reasons to enable, not being nice. 5
Gloria25 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Well, in what context? I mean, man or woman, IMO, you should always be treating sweetly. Problem is, in this day/age, IMO, people see simple acts of kindness to your SO as "submissive" and/or smothering. Like if my man is outside cutting grass, washing the cars, etc. How is it being submissive to greet him with a tall iced tea and/or beer? If he passes me the sugar while we're eating at the table, why not say "thanks my sweet"? And, if a woman is cooking, dude walking up to her and gently kissing her on the neck and saying "ummmm, that smells good" is something wrong? How is him opening the car door for her being considered something "old fashioned"? Since when did buying flowers for her become an annoyance? I think the femenazis have put this wedge between man and woman cuz they want to minimize the love/affection and RESPECT that is supposed to take place between man and woman cuz now a days relationships are "partnerships". I'm your "partner" not your wife/gf/lover. Got it...whatever Now, another important point is "time/place". You don't do all these sweet things just for some bf/gf. You don't cook some dude a full course meal on your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd date. Do too much, too soon and w/o that person "earning their keep" and yep, you're gonna have someone who is taking you for granted. 9
Gloria25 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Another thing, you should stand up for yourself in a RL. You should command respect - but if you're just doing PUA games to "keep me on my toes" then you're toast. Lemme use an example of "guy's night out": I don't like some guy sitting around thinking (ok, I'm stay out late to see if she gets mad). I don't have time for those games. If you like going out with your guy friends and aren't trolling for chicks, then just say "hey, I'm gonna be with the guys"...have a backbone already. If she starts whining about "well, who are you to be out with the guys when I want you to sit on the couch with me all night and watch TV", then you tell her to get lost. Controlling women who wanna dictate who/when you can go out/see as if they're "mommy", you need to stand up for yourself and have some respect. Now, if you're going out all the time, not spending quality time with her and coming home all times of the night as if you're some single dude then yes, you are not treating her right and are disrespecting her. 4
regine_phalange Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Its always a sweet gesture to treat someone. Especially a significant other. But there's a but. She should be treating you also, according to her situation. Or at least buying you gifts often instead of treating. Otherwise the whole thing is unbalanced. 5
Author guild11 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Posted July 18, 2015 I will give more details of my situation, I have a girlfriend and she is a year older than me (26) she obviously have more exprience than me. I love her very much and I like to surprise some times, One time I went to our workplace when I had a day off, brought her some tasty food, other time I just placed some snacks in her office with a note so she can see in the morning. My friend noticed that I tend to answer her messages right away, I always have my phone on me, He said "dont reply right away, let her wonder where you are and what you do" Sometimes when I dont message/call her during the day she gets upset, and then when I ask her the same she says that we are having ego games. We meet almost every day both at work and after, I seem to not have enough of her - ever... We even meet for 15 min at night when we have to work in the morning. 1
regine_phalange Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Oh sorry my reply was off topic. Misunderstanding. Treat your girlfriend nicely if she treats you nicely. If you have needs voice them nicely. Say your opinion nicely. Confront her nicely. And you re set Manipulative tricks appeal to the ego, but they dont make someone love you more. 2
MidwestUSA Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I will give more details of my situation, I have a girlfriend and she is a year older than me (26) she obviously have more exprience than me. I love her very much and I like to surprise some times, One time I went to our workplace when I had a day off, brought her some tasty food, other time I just placed some snacks in her office with a note so she can see in the morning. My friend noticed that I tend to answer her messages right away, I always have my phone on me, He said "dont reply right away, let her wonder where you are and what you do" Sometimes when I dont message/call her during the day she gets upset, and then when I ask her the same she says that we are having ego games. We meet almost every day both at work and after, I seem to not have enough of her - ever... We even meet for 15 min at night when we have to work in the morning. Stop listening to your friend, if you do. 6
Popsicle Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) Hello, pretty simple question - is it good to treat your girlfriend right ALWAYS ? I'm the good guy type and I dont have a personality of being an ass to a woman. Some of my buddies say if your'e too nice then that will actually push them away, that sometimes I should dont give a damn, because when I'm not 100% available that will cause them/her want you more. Can I get some insight ? No, you should always be nice. Being nice does not turn a woman off (contrary to popular belief). Sometimes a woman is already not attracted to you but is trying to to be attracted to you (for whatever stupid common reason that I will never understand) and there is nothing you have done per se, like, "being too nice" that is causing her to drift away from you, but rather, she is moving away from you like she should have done in the first place, which is not mess with you at all if she wasn't attracted. Some people are just not very self-aware and/or have [bad, imo] habits formed that they won't get rid of. When a woman is truly attracted to you, she will LOVE that you are nice and nice to her. (Same is true for men). Edit: Ah, I see that you are in an already established relationship. This just means that she is taking you for granted, which unfortunately, people fall into that habit. You just have to express to her what you need from her and make her realize that it is important to you. Edited July 18, 2015 by Popsicle 1
Popsicle Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I will give more details of my situation, I have a girlfriend and she is a year older than me (26) she obviously have more exprience than me. I love her very much and I like to surprise some times, One time I went to our workplace when I had a day off, brought her some tasty food, other time I just placed some snacks in her office with a note so she can see in the morning. My friend noticed that I tend to answer her messages right away, I always have my phone on me, He said "dont reply right away, let her wonder where you are and what you do" Sometimes when I dont message/call her during the day she gets upset, and then when I ask her the same she says that we are having ego games. We meet almost every day both at work and after, I seem to not have enough of her - ever... We even meet for 15 min at night when we have to work in the morning. You sounds like a lovely boyfriend. I hope your GF can appreciate you. If not, there are women who would, so do not hesitate to dump her if she gives you a hard time about this for long. 9
toolforgrowth Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I've treated my GF with nothing but respect and sweetness since we got together almost a year ago. For her birthday I booked us a hotel room on the Oregon coast and we had a blast. I take her out and choose to pay. She has always been grateful. Fast forward to two weeks ago. I broke my leg in a four wheeler accident. She has been by my side almost the entire time. When I need something, she's there. I can wake her up in the middle of the night and ask for something, and she gets it with a smile on her face. No matter what I need, she is there for me. She says she does it because I've been so good to her. This is what a healthy relationship with no games is like. And it's wonderful. Not once have I been an "alpha jerk" to her. 16
RoseVille Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I've treated my GF with nothing but respect and sweetness since we got together almost a year ago. For her birthday I booked us a hotel room on the Oregon coast and we had a blast. I take her out and choose to pay. She has always been grateful. Fast forward to two weeks ago. I broke my leg in a four wheeler accident. She has been by my side almost the entire time. When I need something, she's there. I can wake her up in the middle of the night and ask for something, and she gets it with a smile on her face. No matter what I need, she is there for me. She says she does it because I've been so good to her. This is what a healthy relationship with no games is like. And it's wonderful. Not once have I been an "alpha jerk" to her. As it should be. Good job. 5
MissBee Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Hello, pretty simple question - is it good to treat your girlfriend right ALWAYS ? I'm the good guy type and I dont have a personality of being an ass to a woman. Some of my buddies say if your'e too nice then that will actually push them away, that sometimes I should dont give a damn, because when I'm not 100% available that will cause them/her want you more. Can I get some insight ? Of course you should treat your girlfriend well always. Do women chase and stay with men who treat them badly? Yes. However, women who do this are women who tend to have self-worth, self-esteem, family of origin issues. They can be of all sizes, shapes and colors, but what will identify them is their penchant for falling in love, chasing and being caught up with men who treat them badly. Emotionally healthy women whose self-esteem and self-worth are in tact however, will not tolerate being treated badly and will kick you to the curb. Being nice is not a problem. Being a push-over, someone with no opinions, no backbone, etc is sometimes confused with being nice. That's not nice. It's the flip-side of the above scenario...the "nice guy" with no backbone is just like the nice girl who allows a man to treat her badly and walk all over her as she chases him. It's not that she is nice, it's that she thinks lowly of herself so is always agreeable and has no demands. Same here. Some "nice guys" who get left are really guys who think lowly of themselves so are just glad to be doormats because they think a woman will love them and always be with them if they are that way. 5
preraph Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Look, this is actually clear-cut. You're a naturally nice guy who treats women nice. That's something to be proud of. Don't listen to anyone telling you any different. This will greatly enhance your marriage one day. But keep this rule in mind, not just with women but everybody: Don't give above and beyond what you're getting back in return. Dump any relationship that has you being nice and bending over backwards while the other person doesn't show you the same courtesy and just takes and takes. That's an imblanced relationship. So that addresses any problem with clinginess as well. And I don't know that you are clingy, but it came up above in some other responses. If you are needing way more than the other person is willing to give, that is also a bad imbalance, and rather than stay with them and get into a downward spiral of clingy desperate behavior, simply dump them if they can't give you what you need. Or if you feel your behavior is out of bounds, then obviously, also do something about that with a professional. Don't stay in a one-way relationship. I see women do it all the time. Nobody should do it. It's not healthy. 1
Gloria25 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 You sounds like a lovely boyfriend. I hope your GF can appreciate you. If not, there are women who would, so do not hesitate to dump her if she gives you a hard time about this for long. Ok, IMO, this is a bit much... I mean, yeah, if you ever marry one day - you are gonna see someone morning/noon/night - but if both of you "need" to see each other 24/7, 365, etc. I don't think that's very healthy and a bit much. I mean, she gets mad if you don't call/txt during the day - EVERY DAY? Really? I thought you two see each other EACH morning and evening/night after work. Isn't that enough? Yea, a sweet txt now and then during the day is sweet and you dropping buy to get her a nice lunch at work is sweet - but if it is "expected" each and every day and/or you "need" to do it each and every day - then I think we have a lot of insecurities and unhealthy dependency going on here.
understand50 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Hello, pretty simple question - is it good to treat your girlfriend right ALWAYS ? I'm the good guy type and I dont have a personality of being an ass to a woman. Some of my buddies say if your'e too nice then that will actually push them away, that sometimes I should dont give a damn, because when I'm not 100% available that will cause them/her want you more. Can I get some insight ? You sound like a young guy. This site may give you some insights: The Art of Manliness You always treat people with kindness and respect, does not mean you have to be a doormat, but being polite and kind is true strength. Mind games in a relationship have no place, with your G/F, spouse, or friends. I do not associate long with people that play them. You are tying to build something real and strong, and playing game does not show true character. It is not the mark of a real man, but of a boy. 5
Popsicle Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) Ok, IMO, this is a bit much... I mean, yeah, if you ever marry one day - you are gonna see someone morning/noon/night - but if both of you "need" to see each other 24/7, 365, etc. I don't think that's very healthy and a bit much. I never said anything to him about 24/7, 365, but now that you mention it, people who are married do see each other more than what he has described above. Maybe you wouldn't be able to handle marriage? Edited July 19, 2015 by Popsicle 2
Gloria25 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I never said anything to him about 24/7, 365, but now that you mention it, people who are married do see each other more than what he has described above. Maybe you wouldn't be able to handle marriage? No, I'm responding to his post. If I'm correct he said he 'can't get enough of her; they see each other before, during, and after work; and, that she gets upset if he doesn't call/txt her during the day....To me, that's a bit much
TunaCat Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 You should always be nice to your girlfriend. However, you should not be a pushover. As a woman, I don't have respect for men who allow themselves to be pushovers, or doormats. I need a man to have his own opinions and not to just blindly agree with me just because we're together. My ex had no backbone and it was something I was willing to overlook because I had never felt so loved in my entire life. But you NEED to have a backbone. I need to have a man who has a backbone. Being sweet, respectful, kind, generous & loving is what I'd consider nice. Being a pushover, having no backbone, no opinions of your own, or allowing yourself to be a doormat is not nice. 1
Maleficent Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Hello, pretty simple question - is it good to treat your girlfriend right ALWAYS ? I'm the good guy type and I dont have a personality of being an ass to a woman. Some of my buddies say if your'e too nice then that will actually push them away, that sometimes I should dont give a damn, because when I'm not 100% available that will cause them/her want you more. Can I get some insight ? Depends. Are you looking for a healthy relationship? Because your buddy's strategy will work on game playing women and usually end up in unhealthy relationships. 1
Maleficent Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I will give you the same advice I give anyone. Instead of asking women about what works on women, you should find a guy that has a good woman, and see how he did it. Women always give the worst dating advice to men. If you have a guy friend that has success with women, ask him. He knows, and is more likely to give you an honest answer. Interesting. Most women on here suggested OP remains nice and doesn't play the 'bad guy game' That's bad advice?
toolforgrowth Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Other than a few exceptions, I would say that almost all dating advice that women give men is bad advice. Playing the part of the "bad boy" is not synonymous with not being a doormat. I've always treated my GF with respect, even when she did something that crossed a boundary of mine. I was kind, respectful, yet honest with how it made me feel and communicated that it wasn't something I was okay with. She understood, apologized profusely, and has respected that boundary ever since. I really believe women (on average) want a good man with a backbone over a reckless bad boy any day. 4
Maleficent Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Other than a few exceptions, I would say that almost all dating advice that women give men is bad advice. So all the exceptions are on this site? The advice we give is not bad. Men just consider it bad advice because it doesn't get them laid at first try. Being nice is best but it doesn't mean women who are not attracted to you from the start will suddenly be because you're nice. (General you) 2
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Being nice is often seen as a weakness. Sad but true. What I strive to give and receive in any relationship is kindness. Kindness is a mindset that means you respect yourself enough to be kind to others. On the other hand, being nice often means you will give to others at your own peril. Bottom line, kind people know enough to recognize feeling like a doormat and have boundaries. Nice people often lack thoss attributes.
craw Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Sigh. Such a strange world we live in. When I love him, I give him my all - that's where the line can become blurred where you can be taken advantage of. Perhaps that is my mistake. How silly is that? To actually have to restrict your love for someone for fear of being taken advantage of. I don't know how considerate you are, but sometimes it may not be reciprocated as it should. Sometimes it can be suffocating towards the other person. This is when you have to listen to your intuition. Does she love me the way I want to be loved? So there is my two useless cents!
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