Morphine Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Hi guys! I was dumped by my girl of 7 years almost 3 weeks ago. We had 2 break ups in the past (for the same reason - GIGS from her). I know time will tell but perhaps there are people out there who can tell me what I feel. I cannot wait 2 months to find out myself and I feel like my heart is developing this huge scar and I wont heal...ever. Am I in love OR I am lonely? I can't stop thinking about our past (amazing memories) and the futute that meant to be (amazing plans). When I go out with friends I rarely think about her UNLESS something happens that reminds me of her (e.g. particular song or artsy things). When I am alone I always think about her! But when I think about my new job (starting in 2 weeks) and new people that I will meet - it makes me feel better. When I think that I will now have more time for my career - it temporarily makes me feel better until I realise that I lost her because of my career choice (neurosurgery). I also joined Tinder and Badoo....and I have been posting more pictures lately on instagram hoping she will see them...she also is fooling around with another guy...I lost my appetite for 2 weeks, but it came back....but this heavy feeling on my chest remains. Am I in love? Or am I lonely? Or am I bitter? Or is my ego hurting that she fell for another guy (it's GIGS but I think it will work)? She was my first love and first sex. The only thing that makes me think that I lover her is thinking about the future - how perfect it would have been if she hasnt suffered from GIGS. I know time will tell...but...I want to know now.
Popsicle Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) It's only been three weeks, so I'd say you're probably still in love. Three weeks is not a long time. I believe it takes months to a year to fall out of love once a R is over and you would need to be in complete NC. This doesn't mean that once you fall out of love that you won't think about them anymore. You just won't have that sharp pain anymore and you will be used to the fact that it's over by then. It may have a quality that is more like a dull longing, which now that you mention it, is probably more akin to what loneliness feels like. So yeah, maybe it turns into loneliness at some point, which in all honesty, is something that can temporarily be relieved by keeping busy (with whatever engages you) or permanently be relieved by finding a new lover. Edited July 18, 2015 by Popsicle
aloneinaz Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) What you're feeling at 3 weeks is normal. You're feeling all the right things. Glad to hear your appetite is back. You're right on track in your healing. What's important here is to stay NC so you can accelerate your healing. What you're doing wrong is posting pictures on social media hoping she'll see them. You need to BLOCK her on all social media. You don't need to be worried about what she's doing anymore nor should you be worried about her seeing what you're up too. That's a big component of NC.. You need to vanish from her life, for you. The other aspect is you're in withdrawal more than you're probably in love. She's a habit and it's going to take time to break it, thus, the withdrawal feeling will last for a couple of months if you stay NC. Sure, there's going to be some loneliness as well. Again, if you can stay NC, you'll heal quicker and maybe want to start casually dating for some opposite sex companionship. Don't lose sight that this person kicked you to the curb to go out and date others. If you were both each others firsts, that's pretty normal. You both should be sowing your oats while your young before settling down into marriage and kids. Stay strong, try and do full NC (no social media) and don't care about what she's up to. Edited July 19, 2015 by aloneinaz
Author Morphine Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) Thank you for the reply. I will see her twice more when moving out from the house. I intend to go full NC then - I dont want to do it now as I will break it anyways. Plus I am still probably hoping to get back with her, I am not going to lie. I am starting new job (a doctor) at the beginning of Augusty, I will have plenty of time to NOT think about her. Right now I think about her every single day. I know I am feeding my false hope, but at the moment in feels good (Im in Mallorca alone...i was meant to go with her and proposw herea). She liked one of the photos, but through her best friend. How do I know? Becaue that photo was directed towards her and only she knew what it means. Anyways, I am meeting a Spanish girl today for a night out - it actually feels pretty good. Makes me think it may not be love afterall - unless I am meeting her to make my ex jealous...I need to search my feelings. Edited July 19, 2015 by Morphine
aloneinaz Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Thank you for the reply. I will see her twice more when moving out from the house. I intend to go full NC then - I dont want to do it now as I will break it anyways. Plus I am still probably hoping to get back with her, I am not going to lie. I am starting new job (a doctor) at the beginning of Augusty, I will have plenty of time to NOT think about her. Right now I think about her every single day. I know I am feeding my false hope, but at the moment in feels good (Im in Mallorca alone...i was meant to go with her and proposw herea). She liked one of the photos, but through her best friend. How do I know? Becaue that photo was directed towards her and only she knew what it means. Anyways, I am meeting a Spanish girl today for a night out - it actually feels pretty good. Makes me think it may not be love afterall - unless I am meeting her to make my ex jealous...I need to search my feelings. It sounds like you have your head wrapped around the whole process. Just understand that until you reach "acceptance" that she threw you out of her life and want to find someone else, you're emotions and healing will be in a holding pattern. Don't lose sight that you need to have lots of pride and self esteem in yourself. At some point, you have to get angry and say "you don't want me in your life", well then F-you and move on. When my last ex ended us cause I couldn't, I PROMISED myself that she'd never hear from me again. My pride and self esteem kicked in. I knew I was a great b-friend to her. I knew there were plenty of women who would appreciate me and be grateful to have me in their lives. I never broke NC, EVER.. I started dating 2 months later and a few months after that, I met my now 2 year GF who's massively better in all areas. That ex reappeared 5.5 months after break up wanting me back and I broke NC (due to my gf asking me to) to tell her HELL NO to ever dating her again. You'll be fine, just don't wallow in the sadness or rejection to long. There's MILLIONS of women out there and you'll find the right one for you.
casey.lives Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 it's both.. love and loneliness. Just get busy and try to stay far away and stop talking about "them"
Author Morphine Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 WOW it just hit me how important is NC. i just got back from Majorca (10 days, was meant to go with my ex but she dumped me before) and walking in to my home was hard. All the memories came back and made me cry. ****. She will be coming around midnight, this will be another downer. 2 more days in this house and I am out forever (hopefully). 1
Author Morphine Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 I am packing my stuff. I do not know why, but it feels good. Does this mean I have no love towards my ex? But I also have thoughts that if she sees me packing she may want to talk things through again - a glimmer of hope. Unhealthy.
15Love Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Probably contact high from the fact you're going to see her tonight. Good luck!
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 She called me but I did not pick it up. I know it wont do much anyway since I will see her tonight.
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Ah, so she did not come back I suspect she went to sleep at her "he's only a friend" place. Well, I think this killed the only glimmer of hope that I have had. And somehow it feels OKish...almost indifferent.
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Actually she just came back. But is very cold towards me. I am trying to be civil about it. Hmm... I feel strangely fine. Is this a sign that I am slowly moving on??
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 OK sorry for so much spam. Let me correct few things 1) She did not call me the first time, it was someone else lol. 2) She called me around 2:40 am to ask me for help to get to home because there were no buses. I said I do not know how to get home from where she was. 3) I felt guilty, so I sent her a number to a local taxi company 4) She texted me "I know I should not have called, I am sorry. You use taxis a lot so I thought you may know. I will manage myself" 5) She comes home, says hi. Very cold. I mentioned several things regarding bills and she gets pissed of. And I feel... fine? I cannot describe this feeling. It's like I realised that there is no coming back to this relationship?
Mrin Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Actually she just came back. But is very cold towards me. I am trying to be civil about it. Hmm... I feel strangely fine. Is this a sign that I am slowly moving on?? Morphine: no, this isn't a sign that you're moving on. It is a sign that you're coping and that's great. That's the first step. That's really the best thing you can hope for right now. You're in your house, with the women you still love, slowly severing the tendrils you built together. That f***ing sucks but what you're feeling means you are coping and will survive. Seriously dude, right now, is about as hard as it gets. And you're coping. That's fantastic! A few more thoughts: 1. You were together for 7 years. That's longer than a lot of marriages. For all intents and purposes, you're getting a divorce. 2. You still love this woman and will for some time. That's totally normal. Honestly, don't try to fight it. If anything, it is a testament to why you were together for 7 of your years. There is a saying, "people are in our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime". She was in your life for a reason. It is up to you to find that reason. Also, just a hint - you won't find that reason for a while. But you will, and when you do, I want you to think back to this post. 3. The best thing you can do is go out and start experiencing new things. New people. New experiences. New activities. Do stuff you've never done before. Go to meet up groups on subjects you've never explored. Look, I can go into all the brain science and psychology of it but trust me, this is the absolute best thing you can do right now. Do it with gusto. Make yourself do it. 4. You need to accept it is over. Really over. No hope. No contact. Sever all contact. Social media. Everything. Best of luck man. My heart is hurting for you right now. 1
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Thanks for the reply. I think I realised that I deserve someone better - someone who can give me the same love as I do. Clearly, she does not love me. Her heart is so cold towards me. It's unbelievable. How could she change so much???
loveiswar101 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) Buddy stay strong. We are all tested in life, like many of us on this board we look for answers, our minds are misty and cloudy but at some point the fog will clear. I have ask the same question like many, but why are they cold who knows and if we are honest why should we worry ourselfs looking for the answer. The only thing you need to take on board is they don't want to be with us and that should be the answer to all the questions we ask. Now look after you, enjoy your new job, new people and stay no contact. You will heal, move on and find someone better in all ways of life. You will look back on fond memories of her but that all they will be memories. Luck buddy. Edited July 22, 2015 by loveiswar101
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