Teknoe Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 It happened again tonight. Had a second date with a girl I went into the date feeling lukewarm about. Tonight was a sad crushing realization of what I already knew to be true: I'm just not attracted to her. Why in the world is it so hard to like someone that actually likes you back? All my life it seems the ones I like I never get with (99% of the time). And the ones that do like me I don't like back at all? I'm not even asking for a 7 or 8 out of 10. Definitely not 9 or 10 out of 10. I'll be happy with a solid decent 6. Hell, I might even be able to work with a 5. But crikey, just because I'm getting older doesn't mean I'm willing to settle down with someone I'm not attracted to. I know I ain't a looker myself but jeez, I think I can get away with being a 5/10, maybe a 6/10 on a good day. I've been called handsome before. I am not an "ugly" guy. But for whatever reason, I always am viewed as the good male friend and nothing more. 2nd date blues... who's in this boat with me? I hope she doesn't contact me and we can let this quietly fade away. 1
casey.lives Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) i've said those words plenty - a -times and had gentleman win me over soon after. attitude, honesty and mental attraction .. with how attentive they are to my needs and wants have toppled my initial impressions. these words are not the end all and be all.. three dates is a good marker for figuring out what one really thinks. but the QUIET fade is best. Edited July 18, 2015 by casey.lives
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I go through that all the time. Send her a polite text that it was nice meeting her but you do not feel you have enough in common to pursue. 2
TheBathWater Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I go through that all the time. Send her a polite text that it was nice meeting her but you do not feel you have enough in common to pursue. This. Please do not 'quiet fade' her. Let's cut that bull**** immediately, eh?
IronZ Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Agreed. No "quiet fade" or disappearing. You would be wasting her time and getting her hopes up. If you don't see it going anywhere just be honest and nice about it. Let her down easy. I would rather be told it's not working out than be left hanging and wondering what the hell happened.
CalvinM Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 You should always aim for 8's for looks and 10 for personality.
Author Teknoe Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Agreed. No "quiet fade" or disappearing. You would be wasting her time and getting her hopes up. If you don't see it going anywhere just be honest and nice about it. Let her down easy. I would rather be told it's not working out than be left hanging and wondering what the hell happened. Really? It was two meetings. I can't even call the 2nd meeting a date because she brought her female friend to join us. I really don't feel like I need to address the situation. It's not like we were dating seriously. We barely communicated in-between date 1 and "date 2" other than texting to confirm "date 2" details, which she ended up bringing her female friend to after she asked me if it was OK mere hours prior to the "date." At this point I don't feel I owe her an explanation. I think she was lukewarm toward me anyway. She never initiated texts, and her body language on the two meetings weren't great. We both went through the motions. I doubt she's waiting on me to make the next move. I bet she's going to quiet fade on me as well. Under different circumstances I'd tell her the truth. In this case, I feel there's no need as I feel the quiet fade will be a mutual thing.
Joaquin Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 It's good that you can make this call after 2 dates and let her go. Some people drag on with folk they aren't that excited about for months and years. Heck some marry them because " it's the thing to do". Good on you. And I'd say just let it go. No need to send a goodbye text after 2 dates, unless she asks you out in which case you just let her down gently.
Author Teknoe Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 OK maybe now I have to say something. She just texted me "How's your weekend?" after never initiating texts with me before. It's clear she's trying to extend dialogue as she's reaching out now. I wish she just faded away, lol. Guess I have to let her know I don't see us going anywhere romantically.
babycakees Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 OK maybe now I have to say something. She just texted me "How's your weekend?" after never initiating texts with me before. It's clear she's trying to extend dialogue as she's reaching out now. I wish she just faded away, lol. Guess I have to let her know I don't see us going anywhere romantically. Answer her and say "I'm sorry I didn't text you this sooner, but I just don't see us headed anywhere romantically. I wish you all the best" 1
IronZ Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 That's the thing though, you don't know what the other person is feeling or thinking. She might never have initiated texts because maybe she wanted you to chase after her and wanted to play it cool. You disappearing for a while got her anxious probably waiting for you to reach out, so now she's reaching out. The quiet fade is very rarely mutual. Usually 1 person is more into the other and disappearing on them can hurt. Be a man and just tell her no. Be nice about it of course, but let her know she needs to move on. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) Why in the world is it so hard to like someone that actually likes you back? All my life it seems the ones I like I never get with (99% of the time). And the ones that do like me I don't like back at all? For whatever reason, I always am viewed as the good male friend and nothing more. Here's my theory. Take it for what it's worth. When you're not into a woman, it's easy to be indifferent and confident in who you are. Why? You don't give a crap what she thinks. You're also more of a challenge because you're not acting desperate or falling all over them. So this makes you attractive in their eyes. You were feeling "lukewarm" at best about the girl in question, so you had nothing to lose and were completely at ease. With her, you have the mindset of being the selector. This is actually how you should be with all women, but I'll come back to that. When you actually like a woman, you care what she thinks. So you probably get more nervous and don't feel as confident. Then you start to try too hard to make her like you, and act desperate wanting to spend as much time with her as possible. So in the end you're a "really nice guy" they should just be friends with. Now I want to stress that this isn't easy. It takes A LONG time to get good at. But the trick is treating ALL women the same. It doesn't matter if she's a 10 or a 3. Always have the mindset that she has to earn your approval, and not the other way around. Doing this will make you far more confident and relaxed with women. You'll always be yourself and not trying to change who you are to get her approval. Edited July 19, 2015 by fitnessfan365 4
angel.eyes Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Why did she bring the friend on the date? What was her explanation when she asked if it was okay?
Amalyn Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Why did she bring the friend on the date? What was her explanation when she asked if it was okay? I, too, would like to hear her reasoning behind bringing along a friend. In my experience of dating, I do not introduce a guy I've been seeing until we are basically official bf/gf with a label.
Author Teknoe Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) Here's my theory. Take it for what it's worth. When you're not into a woman, it's easy to be indifferent and confident in who you are. Why? You don't give a crap what she thinks. You're also more of a challenge because you're not acting desperate or falling all over them. So this makes you attractive in their eyes. You were feeling "lukewarm" at best about the girl in question, so you had nothing to lose and were completely at ease. With her, you have the mindset of being the selector. This is actually how you should be with all women, but I'll come back to that. When you actually like a woman, you care what she thinks. So you probably get more nervous and don't feel as confident. Then you start to try too hard to make her like you, and act desperate wanting to spend as much time with her as possible. So in the end you're a "really nice guy" they should just be friends with. Now I want to stress that this isn't easy. It takes A LONG time to get good at. But the trick is treating ALL women the same. It doesn't matter if she's a 10 or a 3. Always have the mindset that she has to earn your approval, and not the other way around. Doing this will make you far more confident and relaxed with women. You'll always be yourself and not trying to change who you are to get her approval. I've read similar theories and basically, I think you're right. The whole Hollywood "Best Guy Friend Eventually Wins Over Best Female Friend" I am probably 1 for 7 on, lol. Why did she bring the friend on the date? What was her explanation when she asked if it was okay? She texted me 4 hours prior to our meeting saying her friend wants to see Antman too, and if that's OK. She said it's OK if I said no. I said it's fine. Then she said feel free to bring a guy friend if it makes me feel more comfortable. I texted a few guy friends but being 4 PM on a Friday everyone already had plans for later that night. So meeting #2 was me, her and her friend watching Ant-Man. It wasn't really a date therefore. At the end of the evening her friend took a picture of me and her that felt very forced and rather awkward. The picture was suggested by her friend and was taken on said friend's phone. I didn't want to be rude so I went along with it. Then we walked to our cars. We hugged "halfway" (think the classic Christian side hug) and said to each other "OK see you next time." I know I shouldn't have said that, but it kinda just came out. If she texts me again this week, I'll let her down. For now, I responded "Good. How was your party?" (she had a party on Saturday). She replied it was good and that her friend got drunk a lot. I didn't reply to that and that was the end of our text exchange. If she texts me again this week, I'll let her know. Edited July 20, 2015 by Teknoe
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