Honey565 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Hello guys...i am writing here in hope that somebody can help me to process my feelings. Fours years ago i had a terrible breakup of 10 year old relationship. I truly loved that guy and thought that he was the one. During relationship i felt deeply that he had loved me and felt as we were soul mates. We had many really good years. The main problem was that my ex boyfriend had serious health problems and it was a very hard burden to carry on my back. My family knew partially about his problems but not fully, because i didn't want to them to worry too much. So i ended up carrying everything on my back and passing sometimes through very hard situations all by myself. I was very young and dealing with so serious and difficult things and sometimes it would take its toll on me. I was scared of my future with him, my family was against that relationship, i felt many pressures. I was fighting with myself and fighting for that relationship to work, altough i was just scared of "what-if scenario". That prevented me to fully commit even though that i loved him with whole my heart. I think he felt deep down that i was unsure, but what followed was a terrible breakup. We lived together in another country, i came back to visit my parents in my country, and he decided to call it off. I was angry, because he didn't talk with me about it while we were together, i never thought that he arrived to the point where he wants to end relationship. He should have talked to me at least to tell me about his feelings and maybe we could work out issue, because for sure i would try to work out and not to break it. Following months were horrible, as he completely changed and acted like never before. He instantly started relationship with another girl who was mutual friend. He published it very fast and from time to time, when we would keep contact he would always put so much guilt on me for the end. And i was suffering deeply, because of the betray, because i loved him, because i wanted that relationship and we fought so much for it. He made me feel like i was worst girlfriend of all times and it was so hurtful because i was not. But when somebody who you love and was always good to you, starts telling you such things you start to believe, don't you? It took me 2 years to recover from breakup in sense not to suffer and thing about it every day, every minute.From time to time we would keep contact, once yearly, congratulating birthdays, he would say how he cares, how sometimes he has doubts if he did the right thing, apologizing for hurting me, but it stayed on that. I did everything to help myself. I dedicated to work and had great success in that area. I created new network of friends, improved my old friendships and got some new great friends. I traveled a lot. I started doing gym like never before being in good physical shape. I have great and loving parents and we get along perfect. I have great relationship with family and have lots of friends who truly love me.All together my life is perfect except.... I feel like a failure. Everybody would tell me that i will meet somebody new sooner or later, but it's just not happening. I had one short relationship, but it was clear from the first moment that the guy is not for me. If somebody likes me, i don't like him, have no desire to kiss just not attracted in that way. If i like the guy and some hope appears, it turns out that there is no real interest from his part. I just don't seem to find a good match. That we both like each other and want to be with each other. It is just not happening. And i know that finding real love is not easy, but at this point i wonder if i will ever find it. My old wounds don't heal because with all my effort i just didn't have any success in love area. Nothing nice happened and people sometimes tell me that it is my fault, which makes me to feel even worse. My ex moved on without no issues and has new life and i am completely stuck. It has been 4 years and it is so frustrating. I have phases when i am great and optimistic (all my friends know me as very optimistic) and think that eventually i will meet somebody to give all my love to, but sometimes (like now) i feel like there is no hope. I see other people, they meet, fall in love, marry. Then when i am in this phase, my old wounds open, i feel rejection, pain, feel replaced, not good enough. It starts to affect my self esteem and i start feeling like failure, like i cant do so simple thing that almost everybody can. Sorry for long post...but it's one of those days
casey.lives Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 a relationship doesn't make you a failure or a winner. you are a winner by virtue of being alive. enjoy life as a whole. 1
Chronograph Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I somehow can relate to your feelings. I'm only 2.5 months in after a 15 year relationship (so it's still not very long ago) but I have similar fears. (And I made similar experiences before my relationship of men wanting me that I didn't want and me wanting men that didn't want me) Maybe deep down you're still not ready for sth new, maybe you still don't want somebody new? And it might just be some of those unconscious beliefs making you feel like a failure right now. Beliefs like "I should be with sb new after that amount of time". Or "I'm only okay with a partner". If that's the case the good news is: these beliefs are not true. 2
Jonp219 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Hey Honey, I'm sorry you feel this way. Me and you are on the same boat! I feel like a failure everyday too, it sucks. Take a look at these quotes I hope they make you feel better. 20 Quotes That Will Lift You Up When You Feel Like A Chronic F*ckup 2
OldSoul86 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 a relationship doesn't make you a failure or a winner. you are a winner by virtue of being alive. enjoy life as a whole. Our lives would be unfulfilled if we solely based our success on relationships alone. I have to agree with casey.lives here. Are you actively trying to meet people? Trying online dating? You need to put yourself out there, a relationship isn't going to fall into your lap. You need to do the legwork, and make doubly sure that you're happy being single before you try and meet someone else. 1
Author Honey565 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Thank you all for your answers and good intentions. I am not kind of person who thinks that i am only ok with partner. No, i can be alone and like to be alone. Just that i am somebody who really loves companionship. I like to share my life with somebody, i like to love. And i don't want to be with anybody just to have partner. I need to feel something. Just that i am losing hope, because time has passed and i didn't fall in love. Yes, i have been trying everything, going out, online dating, but nothing is complete. And then i see my ex who has moved on almost after month and still is in that relationship and i start wondering if i will ever really move on. Because i always return to that relationship in my head because i never experienced anything not even close to what i had with him. Then i get so frustrated, how it's easy for him and not for me. And he put so much guilt on me, and my lack of success to find another soul mate makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
Satu Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 From my journal: To be loved, be loving. To find peace, be peaceful. To find forgiveness, be forgiving. To be cared about, be caring. To be treated kindly, be kind. To be understood, be understanding. To have friends, be friendly. Etc. Take care.
Author Honey565 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Great phrases Satu...and i always try to behave and think that way. I have never been so loving in my life, and i dont find love While i was not so loving, i had all the love i wanted. That is also the irony of life. It is not that great person and love will arrive only when you are fully prepared and want it. No, it just happens. You can be in marriage, not even thinking about meeting somebody new, not even wanting, but you do, and your world turns upside down. You can go out from breakup and want to meet somebody more than anything, but it's just not happening. There is no huge logic there. I comfort. It will happen when it has to happen. 1
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