aires_girl4380 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 ok here is my story & as much as its sounds like ssome of the others I have read here- Mine is different! Yes yours is too. That is how we all got here right! : ) I am 25 years old & have been seeing my MM about 2 years ago. When we met it was instant. He isnt the "type" of man I ever expected to fall for. We started by meeting for drinks after work, just here & there talking about our lives. It was very comfortaing to have someone to just talk to. We could say or do anythingthing b/c what did we have to lose?! Our visits came more often. After about 6 months we became sexual active, but the affair had already began. We had fallen in love with each other for who we really are- not the sex. Dont get me wrong the sex is incredible!!! that just isnt what makes us.....just adds to. We really are the same person. About a year into it everyone- including wife found out about us. He left his house then. to only return after that 1st week. I was in shock & agreed that we should end everything. He has 2 children & he says he cant stand to dissapoint them. So we ended it for a couple of weeks. Then he left again (I did not live w/him during either of these times) saying that he couldnt stay away from me. Then yelp he went home again. Telling me & wife that he was there for the children & until he could leave in a "pleasant" way. So now he is there. The wife isnt aware that we are still together. I have attempted to leave him but he says that he needs me & the I need to be more loving & assure him that we will/could have a secure future together. I think that if his decision is to leave he needs to leave w/or without me. I do love him. But I have a lot of doubt in him & the trust that we have/dont have. I know I share the guilt of our affair. So do I provide the security or do I figure out away to get out of the chaos? This does not explain my love for him- I really do have it & I know that if our life only consisted of me & him we would be AWESOME but it doesnt & it wont. Any advice appreciated!
Author aires_girl4380 Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Is that just what your saying b/c that is typically the answer that we all sit here "Naively” waiting & they never leave?!?!?! If not what is your reasoning?
overseas2004 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 She is saying that because he already went back right? If he meant to stay with you he wouldnt have left the first time
Author aires_girl4380 Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Understandable! But of course I have a reason for that. : ) We never thought that we were going to be caught- so when we did he left, at that point I didnt want that. I hated that I had gotten caught up in this "affair" & just wanted to forget it. He left because he didnt know what else to do. Then we talked & I suggested he go home work on his marriage because of our unhealthy start. Now he is at home & the situation clear to wife that he is there for the children & only the children. I know that to be true, I also know that she doesnt realize that we are datin again (we did attempt to cut all off)
Sad Flower Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 No he isn't leaving his wife the likely hood is he never will....There is like some centripetal force that brings them back everytime. That is his comfort zone. There is a song in spanish and it talks about how comfort or something your accustom to is stronger than love itself. I was the OW, my MM was separated but he too eventually went back once then he came back to me then he went back to her. He bounced back and forth They do it cause we let them instead of putting a stop to it and your MM will keep doing the same. Your story is no different than anyone elses. Nothing makes it more special and it is a typical story once again. It was my first time dating a MM but since I was dumped for the wife I have learned so much how all these affairs work, you can practically write a book and carve it in stone on how all these "affairs" will begin and end up...they are all TYPICAL! End your stringing along w/ MM!
Nara Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 I don't want to agree to SadFlower and overseas2004, because I am an OW, too, but I fear, I have to. I, too want to believe, that with him and me everything is different, in some way it might be, but the essence is husband, wife and kid(s), all the time and loads of being torn, yes, no, back, forth, here and there, being man, being father, both not possible without pain.... I have learned, that hubs don't leave their wives, let's say 3 out of 100, maybe. Even if it's said, that the situation at home is devastating, horrible, cruel, abusive etc etc, even then most of them don't go. It's what they know. Even if it's hell, sometimes this is comfortable because a change is unknown territory, causing fear, doubts and often there's simple laziness. But it doesn't automatically mean, that a marriage is "bad", if hub is cheating. Maybe he just wants something different. On the other hand I am one of those, who learned often enough, that the exception proves the rule. Concerning hubs and OW - I don't know...
Naive Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by aires_girl4380 Is that just what your saying b/c that is typically the answer that we all sit here "Naively” waiting & they never leave?!?!?! If not what is your reasoning? Well I did not understand your question all that well but all I did was answer with a simple answer. For the most part they do not leave, plain and simple.
Author aires_girl4380 Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 I do know that I am not any different than any other OW & their MM- Iwas being sarcastic! I have heard the stories- I just know that we all think that our situation (in any situation) is different- guess its those feelings! : ) You all are right. It is comfort that holds them there & the unknown that brings him to me. So the question is how do you get out. Just STOP......I have tried. So step by step HOW?!?!?!? How do I get out? I know I need out, I know its wrong, I know its unhealthy, I am not stupid, nor am I unable to find a SINGLE man, I just lack the WANT to get out- The WANT to do w/out the "love" that he brings to me.
Naive Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by aires_girl4380 I do know that I am not any different than any other OW & their MM- Iwas being sarcastic! I have heard the stories- I just know that we all think that our situation (in any situation) is different- guess its those feelings! : ) You all are right. It is comfort that holds them there & the unknown that brings him to me. So the question is how do you get out. Just STOP......I have tried. So step by step HOW?!?!?!? How do I get out? I know I need out, I know its wrong, I know its unhealthy, I am not stupid, nor am I unable to find a SINGLE man, I just lack the WANT to get out- The WANT to do w/out the "love" that he brings to me. You have to really want to be out of his life. It's one thing to say you want to be out but it's another to REALLY want to be out. When I was with a MM I would say I wanted out but it took real pain for me to really want out. The day I saw his daughter I said, "no more, I am not going to do this to his daughter" and since then it was over.
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Just STOP......I have tried. So step by step HOW?!?!?!? How do I get out? I know I need out, I know its wrong, I know its unhealthy, I am not stupid, nor am I unable to find a SINGLE man, I just lack the WANT to get out- The WANT to do w/out the "love" that he brings to me. It will be hard, treat it like any relationship that you're getting out of...You can't cope and know that it will devastate you - Seek therapy. Seriously...Find someone to talk to, they can help you cope and deal with all the feelings and learning to MAKE YOUR OWN closure, let go and move on. Everybody's story is different, ofcourse...But the end result is mostly the same. ALOT of heartache, alot of pain... And many "I wish I knew better..." Coulda, shoulda, woulda...And guilt. Do this for you. You deserve SO much better. He's like a drug- that crush feeling...The desire...Rightfully so -Why would ya wanna let go of that...But for short term happiness, is it worth alot of LONG TERM pain? You're gonna do what you're gonna do at the end. Only you can decide when the time comes to say ENOUGH ALREADY!! I can't keep sticking pins in my eyes cuz it's hurting ME too much.
Author aires_girl4380 Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 this that is just it I cant find the want! I put myself in situations to get hurt, to try to get pissed off enough to have the want if I find it, in time it goes away. I know sounds pathetic!
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Therapy will HELP you get to that point...Gather that strenght and inner security. I bet it is hard for you, and by the way, don't call yourself stupid or pathetic. You're not that. It is just a very emotional and hard situation you're in and for your own mental health eventually you have to get out of it!! There are singles guys out there...But in time...Allow yourself the time to grieve and completley getover this MM. He, I'm sure, has feelings for ya...If he truely wanted you and loved you he'd just up and leave his family..But he won't because of the ring on his finger...Obligations... Don't internalize this and beat yourself up...It will only do more harm to you. That is why seeking some sort of councilling will help you now.
HoldOn Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 It's like any other addiction. Like quitting smoking. You can use the same methods. It's time to go cold turkey. Here are some ideas that might work: Change your phone number and e-mail addresses (like throwing away your lighter and cigareetes) Everytime you get the urge to call him, do something else instead: call your mom, call a friend, do 15 jumping jacks, play a game. Get involved with a new hobby: pottery, softball league, painting, learning a new language, continuing your education. Go on a few "duty dates." Put up a profile on match and see what responses you get. Go on a few coffee-dates. have your friends set you up. Just to see that there are other men out there. When you get the feeling that you can't live without him, remember a time that he really hurt you, put yourself in that place and allow yourself to feeeeel the hurt that he caused you. Remember that you could never trust him. If he cheated WITH you, he will cheat ON you. Just friggin do it! It's YOUR life. Prove it and make your own decisions.
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 They say it takes 30 days to create a habit and another 30 days to get rid of a habit. It's like any other addiction. Like quitting smoking. Wish I could go 30 days without smoking a cigarette!! LOL!
HoldOn Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Wish I could go 30 days without smoking a cigarette!! LOL! Yeah, me too. The difference is... Once she quits this man, she can find another one!
RecordProducer Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by HoldOn Yeah, me too. The difference is... Once she quits this man, she can find another one! True! We can't quit love, but we can quit the ones who don't return it to us. It's hard to quit smoking cuz there is no replacement. I loved your previous post where you described methods of resisting the temptation. But how do you fight the depression that becomes your shadow? This was a rhetoric question and you don't have to answer it. Anyway, I don't have that problem.
HoldOn Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I loved your previous post where you described methods of resisting the temptation. But how do you fight the depression that becomes your shadow? This was a rhetoric question and you don't have to answer it. Anyway, I don't have that problem. Medication? Seriously, a good counsellor would help, I guess.
fanou22 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Look at it this way, it has already been 2 years and I am sure you look back at this time being some of the most incredible time in your life so far (through in there a bit of pain and misery). He has not left yet. How long do you think it will take him? 2? 5? or maybe 20 years? Do you want to look back one day and say to yourself "I wasted the best years of my life for him?". No one is worth the best years of your life. I always had this rule, it the OP is not willing to commit within a year then he will never do so. I am sure you read enough on this board. Take every one else's advice and leave before you waste anymore time on him. This is coming from an x-OW. My affair with x-MM lasted almost a year. I swung back and forth with the break up and eventually I did it. I kept telling myself that I needed a SG. I met a SG and he was not the answer. The answer and the way lie within yourself.
RecordProducer Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by HoldOn Medication? Seriously, a good counsellor would help, I guess. I meant depression because the relationship with someone you're in love with ended. It's a natural state of mind and I don't think should be cured with pills that poison your body. Time cures it, but it's hard to cope. We've all been there.
HoldOn Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I meant depression because the relationship with someone you're in love with ended. It's a natural state of mind and I don't think should be cured with pills that poison your body. Time cures it, but it's hard to cope. We've all been there. Ahhhhh. yes I get it.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by fanou22 The answer and the way lie within yourself. EXACTLY! How can a person be happy when they step outside of their core belief system? Do you tailor the circumstances surrounding your life to fit your philosophy, or do you trim your philosophy to fit your circumstances? And if you have NO personal philosophy at all....how confusing it all must be! A woman who believes in monogamous love is selling herself out, when she steps outside the parameters of her own personal values. "I know it's wrong, BUT....". That's just talking the talk, but not walking the walk. How can we help but be unhappy with ourselves when we let ourselves down that way? A woman who doesn't believe in monogamous love can still be selling herself out....when she find herself at odds with other people's values. It's difficult to disrespect someone else, and still maintain respect for ourselves. It's the inner child in all of us, raised on Sesame Street and tolerance for others, who we disappoint when we abandon that precept. There are many people who would NEVER show disdain for another person's race or religion, and yet manage to find an uncomfortable sort of peace in self-justification, all the while trampling another person's core beliefs. That's got to be really difficult to balance out in your mind....that is, if you're a basically decent sort to begin with. It can end up being a blight on your soul that never quite resolves. It's sooooo much easier to find peace and happiness within yourself when your philosophy is INTACT, and you're living your life within it's parameters. It's all about the BIG PICTURE. That's what being true to yourself is really all about. It's not about getting the things that you want, or the person that you want. It's about living up to your OWN principles, and being honest to your own beliefs.
curly Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Wow - Ladyjane - you've come a long way baby! - You're getting sooooo much stronger. Good for you! I won't post a long one - Try reading - "How to break your addiction to a person" by Howard Halpern. I'm truly not one for self-help but I really think the MM/OW relationship is an addiction. It's sooooo good when it's good. You feel so connected, like never before & no one could connect with me like this ever again. This book tries to explain why we feel like this. It's truly distorted. Anyway, just wanted to give the book title. You just have to come to a point when you realize this hurts more than it feels good. Is this really love or just abuse? BTW - I discussed this with my MM back in the summer and he agreed that the relationship was abusive to me. But did he stop? Ummmm..... no he didn't. Again, continuing the abuse.
nextel Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 but I feel that, for as long as a man is attached/married to another woman, you might as well get what you can until he makes up his mind. You are letting this man go back and forth between you and his wife. What you need to do to help him make up his mind is starting getting some benefits from him. You need to let him realize that having 2 women is an expense. Start having him pay for whatever you need....this includes rent, food, clothing, nails whatever else. He will then be forced to make a decision. Either he will want to be with you or he will leave you alone. Men need to be taught that it costs to have 2 women.
gladhappypink Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Hi aires_girl4380 My advice to you would be DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME!!!! No matter what he tells you....the bottom line is he is with his W not you. Don’t make the same mistake I did, I lived with MM for years but he ended back with his W anyway. IT’S NOT WORTH IT! In the end all you are is alone. Find someone who will give you all the love and attention you deserve someone you don't have to share.
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