Dreamworld Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Would dating a separated but not divorced person be the same as dating a married person and thus the same as cheating? Even though you are sure the attachment to the marriage has been long gone? But if the other spouse doesnt want a divorce? Just curious as to people's thoughts and experiences.
Popsicle Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 the details or arrangement wouldn't even matter to me. I just don't want to date any man who is legally married still or living with their W still or any of that. 5
CarrieT Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I dated a man who had been separated for two+ years. He assured me it was %100 over between he and his wife and he had very little good to say about her or their marriage. We dated about eight months and was slated to go to court to finalize the divorce. Yep - they reconciled in the hallway at the courthouse before seeing a judge and I was thrown under a bus. A separated person is still legally - and often emotionally - attached to another. I don't recommend it. 12
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I immediately next separated men, don't care about the circumstances. 6
Author Dreamworld Posted July 18, 2015 Author Posted July 18, 2015 ^^^^^^^^ This! Don't! hehe don't worry. It was just a question I threw out there because I see it more often than I thought.
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Whether or not it's cheating really depends on the circumstances and your perception. If all parties are aware, then no, it's not cheating in my opinion. Just like people in open relationships can have sex with someone else, if everyone is aware of the situation it's not cheating. Cheating to me is doing something behind your partner's back you wouldn't want them to know about. If the separated person is openly dating, their spouse knows it, and you know that they're married, then game on as far as 'cheating' is concerned. Having said that, I still wouldn't do it. Not divorced = not available. Even after a recent divorce I'd be wary of too much baggage, emotional links with the ex etc. but when someone isn't even divorced yet, no I wouldn't. I guess there are circumstances where one party won't allow a divorce so it can be a year or two before it's granted and you could argue, why should this person not be able to date due to their ex holding on? But to me that just signifies more drama, unfinished business. It doesn't matter what I think anyway, there are tonnes of people willing to date separated people, tonnes. I know a friend who's been with his partner nearly three years and she only just got her divorce through a few months ago, it was on facebook 'found out today my divorce is final, I am no longer somebody's wife yay!' with loads of likes, even from her new partner. I guess to them it's just a legal technicality that needs ironing out, it's obviously not been a problem for them. But yes, I would tread carefully, probably wouldn't even consider it. There are lots of people to take my place and go for it
Author Dreamworld Posted July 18, 2015 Author Posted July 18, 2015 Whether or not it's cheating really depends on the circumstances and your perception. If all parties are aware, then no, it's not cheating in my opinion. Just like people in open relationships can have sex with someone else, if everyone is aware of the situation it's not cheating. Cheating to me is doing something behind your partner's back you wouldn't want them to know about. If the separated person is openly dating, their spouse knows it, and you know that they're married, then game on as far as 'cheating' is concerned. Having said that, I still wouldn't do it. Not divorced = not available. Even after a recent divorce I'd be wary of too much baggage, emotional links with the ex etc. but when someone isn't even divorced yet, no I wouldn't. I guess there are circumstances where one party won't allow a divorce so it can be a year or two before it's granted and you could argue, why should this person not be able to date due to their ex holding on? But to me that just signifies more drama, unfinished business. It doesn't matter what I think anyway, there are tonnes of people willing to date separated people, tonnes. I know a friend who's been with his partner nearly three years and she only just got her divorce through a few months ago, it was on facebook 'found out today my divorce is final, I am no longer somebody's wife yay!' with loads of likes, even from her new partner. I guess to them it's just a legal technicality that needs ironing out, it's obviously not been a problem for them. But yes, I would tread carefully, probably wouldn't even consider it. There are lots of people to take my place and go for it yeah. If the spouse doesn't know and/or the relationship has to be kept quiet that would be like cheating I would think. Especially if the divorce papers haven't even been filed. And if kids are involved too would be double yikes. Thanks for the reply.
veggirl Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I would NEVER date a "separated" person. I wouldn't date a recently divorced person either. Too much baggage, too many emotions, too much unfinished business. Separated = married until they are divorced. So what if one doesn't want the divorce? You can still get a divorce. How could anyone be sure a persons attachment to their STILL CURRENT spouse is gone? No way. 3
still_an_Angel Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Each situation is different. I have been separated for about 5 years now and am seeing somebody else. My stbxh refuses to even talk about divorce. I will have to pay for it myself if I want it. Not everyone can be lumped in the same basket. 3
Hardgrind Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I agree with each situation being different. My divorce was recently granted. Our marriage functionally ended two years ago when she started her A, and we essentially separated a year ago. It took about nine months between filing for D and being granted the D. I met a wonderful woman just a few days after our separation began. I was not looking to meet someone, I was re-starting my social life and was just looking for friends, not a romantic interest. We talked quite a bit that day, but because my W and I had not decided to divorce yet, I did not follow up. I ran into her again three months ago, well after I had filed for D. I found out her H had left her about the same time I had discovered my wife's affair (almost two years ago). She has also filed for divorce but hers is still a work in progress. We have grown closer over the past three months. Neither of us has children. We talk about what went wrong in our marriages, our relationship with God, our hopes for the future, etc.. We haven't been dating but have talked frequently and see each other at group events every couple of weeks. We are now talking almost every day. We have been very supportive of each other in moving past our respective broken marriages and divorces. We have been taking it slow, but we are definitely moving towards becoming a couple. In our case I have no qualms about dating her at this point. We are both attracted to each other and also are very good for each other. I don't think there is any chance of a reconciliation between her and her soon to be ex. The most important thing to me is that she heals and is able to move forward towards a great life. If somehow she and her soon to be Ex do have a true reconciliation, so be it. If that makes her life better and happier going forward I will accept it and be happy for her. In the more likely case their D will go forward. I will be there to help her emotionally through that process, just like she was there for me. I don't believe either of us is a rebound for the other, but time will prove it out. I accept that I could be setting myself up for hurt, but that is true with any relationship.
Perrier Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I would not date a seperated person - emotional and financial and other ties to the 'soon to be ex.' Mostly emotional ties. I'd also view them as married. If the divorce follows, there's emotional fallout I may have to contend with. Anyway the couple may also not divorce in the end and I'd have to deal with that too. 1
Author Dreamworld Posted July 18, 2015 Author Posted July 18, 2015 thanks for the replies. it is nice to hear different perspectives. I am seeing that separated and starting/ being in the process of divorce is different from being separated but not having taken the steps to start a divorce. i find people are more willing to try in the case of the former rather than the latter but reading CarrieT's experience I guess you just can't tell what will happen.
introverted1 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 How could anyone be sure a persons attachment to their STILL CURRENT spouse is gone? No way. How can you be sure a person's attachment to their EX from a year ago is gone? From two years ago? From a decade ago? Truly, I think this is an issue that has to be weighed case-by-case. There are no guarantees that the person you are with will continue to be attached to YOU, which is really all that matters, not whether they leave to be alone, with someone new, or with a former partner. 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Unless you have a lot of assets, divorce is very easy. The hardest part is deciding to go through it & waiting for the court dates. The judge makes most of the decisions once both parties show up. Unless someone who is separated is waiting for a court date, separated might just be a code word for not sure just yet. 2
veggirl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 How can you be sure a person's attachment to their EX from a year ago is gone? From two years ago? From a decade ago? Truly, I think this is an issue that has to be weighed case-by-case. There are no guarantees that the person you are with will continue to be attached to YOU, which is really all that matters, not whether they leave to be alone, with someone new, or with a former partner. Sure a truly single person could still feel attached to an ex but I think the risk is A LOT higher when the person is STILL MARRIED and will still have relationship sh*t to hash out with their "ex" - for example, the DIVORCE! Call me when it's done.... 3
Phoenician Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I would NEVER date a "separated" person. I wouldn't date a recently divorced person either. Too much baggage, too many emotions, too much unfinished business. Separated = married until they are divorced. So what if one doesn't want the divorce? You can still get a divorce. How could anyone be sure a persons attachment to their STILL CURRENT spouse is gone? No way. hum mm ,so if u get separated or divorce yourself you will stay in a closed room for years ? u just remind me of Jewish ladies during their period 2000 yrs ago they were expelled .
candie13 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 hum mm ,so if u get separated or divorce yourself you will stay in a closed room for years ? see, I am clean. no marriage no children no trauma in my past. Not my circus, not my monkeys. u just remind me of Jewish ladies during their period 2000 yrs ago they were expelled anyone is free to re-build their lives as they see fit. I want a clean start, I deserve a clean start. i am not judging people who try to rebuild theirs, but I do choose to stay away from them until they are emotionally stable. And closed businesses and time are the best bet, in that case. Sometimes not even divorced people of over 10 years are totally functional - see the case of my ex. Not willing to take those risks. Personal choice, limiting my dating pool, who cares. Life is already complicated enough due to things you don't know, not to add onto it with complicated details that I know about. 1
casey.lives Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 dating a separated married person is adultery. .. tsk tsk 1
SolG Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 My xH and I have been separated for many years. But we're not divorced. Where we live divorce is just a legal ending of the M and has nothing to do with division of assets; that is done via a separate process. And we did that 12 months after we first separated (including all the way to denouncing all claim to each others' retirement funds). We have no asset ties, we live in different cities in different states, we both see other people. For all intents and purposes to us and everybody we know we are no longer in a marital type relationship and we are considered single. We are still good friends though, and also family as we share an adult daughter. We don't plan on divorcing unless we have to; ie, should one of us want to remarry (and I'm pretty certain that won't be me!). And in that case we'll file jointly. Other than that, we don't see the point in spending the money for no actual practical gain :/ Doesn't bother me a whit that this may disincentivise some from dating me. 1
veggirl Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) hum mm ,so if u get separated or divorce yourself you will stay in a closed room for years ? u just remind me of Jewish ladies during their period 2000 yrs ago they were expelled . :rolleyes: okay, dramatic. yeah, I'd like to think I'd wait until I was actually divorced before embarking on another serious relationship. Crazy idea to some! And hey if there are men and women like me who don't want to date someone who is separated, who cares? More of them for you to date. Edited July 19, 2015 by veggirl
Arieswoman Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Dating a separated person? Don't do it. Wait until they have Decree Nisi pinned on their chest, then you know where you are with them. 1
phineas Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 the details or arrangement wouldn't even matter to me. I just don't want to date any man who is legally married still or living with their W still or any of that. This. I've actually met women freshly divorced but still in the same house because it hasn't sold yet. NO THANK YOU. 1
introverted1 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 My xH and I have been separated for many years. But we're not divorced. Where we live divorce is just a legal ending of the M and has nothing to do with division of assets; that is done via a separate process. And we did that 12 months after we first separated (including all the way to denouncing all claim to each others' retirement funds). We have no asset ties, we live in different cities in different states, we both see other people. For all intents and purposes to us and everybody we know we are no longer in a marital type relationship and we are considered single. We are still good friends though, and also family as we share an adult daughter. We don't plan on divorcing unless we have to; ie, should one of us want to remarry (and I'm pretty certain that won't be me!). And in that case we'll file jointly. Other than that, we don't see the point in spending the money for no actual practical gain :/ Doesn't bother me a whit that this may disincentivise some from dating me. This is how it works in my location, too. There is a stand-alone Marital Separation Agreement that divvies up the assets, establishes terms of alimony and/or child support, has a clause specifically stating that each is free to live his/her life without interference from the other, and so on. It is a notarized, legally binding document. The process of divorce is a formality in the court that is helpful only if one wishes to remarry. I know of couples who have no intention of reuniting but stay married because of insurance benefits (such as when one spouse is covered through work but the other is not). For me, the decision to date a separated person would very much depend on the circumstances.
babycakees Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 I never even date someone who just got out of any kind of relationship. That being said, if someone is separated, they are still married. There is way too much baggage with anyone when they first get out of any relationship. 2
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