Genie1 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 So we've been together 9 (almost 10 months). Things are cool. He's a GOOD man. Works very hard (a little too obsessively hard at times). And is looking at getting another part time job which includes months of training beforehand (he's already training). That's all well and good but it's stressing me out having a boyfriend who is obsessed with getting money. I can't afford to "save"!! I live alone, got my own mortgage (proud of it) and pay everything on my own. A discussion came up a while back that when his lease is up in October that he could move in with me? We would have been together a year then. He acted keen and excited about it. The same conversation came up again the other day and he ummmed and ahhhed it then said "well it's still only July, and it's a huge step". One of my friends (and even my mum) said that I shouldn't get upset or overthink that comment because I'd rather have that, than a guy who rushed in to live with me and we end up breaking up a few months down the line because we can't stand each other. Is that right??? Also, like I said he's a hard worker and lately his free time has been busy with how he can better himself. Again my friends said that's good because it's better than having a man who is a lazy bum and has no get up and go. What do people think? I suffer from dreadful anxiety (relationship based) and have deep fears that I am only an option right now and not a priority. Little things like last night I text him saying I hope work was going smooth, I wished he was with me and I was having an early night because I'm getting up early to go shopping to try and cheer myself up a bit. No reply. It's rude. Another thing, it is ALWAYS me who is making/suggesting plans to or hang out. Due to both our jobs we get limited time together (can't be helped). But it's always me who suggests the plans. - shall I just not do that for a little while and see if he pulls himself together. - what if he doesn't make plans or realise I have gone quiet?? I'm getting tearful just writing this now because I fear that if its not me making the plans to see each other then he won't be fussed and I'll be sat at home on my days off checking my phone constantly and crying. This needs to stop and I wish I could pull myself together or I am going to end up alone. I also know I need to stop rushing my life. I am only 28 (he is 29). So we have plenty of time to move in etc but I just need advice X
thecharade Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I just don't know. He sounds a little lazy in the relationship department and/or you sound like you are over-thinking it! Lol! In other words, I can't be sure what is going on. If it was me, I would focus on getting back to me. If I break up with him, I have me. If he is busy with other priorities, I have me. And if he is taking me for granted, I have me! In other words, you can't go wrong by taking better care of yourself right now. Make plans by yourself, exercise, make delish food, go for walks, journal, etc! Maybe he will come around and maybe he won't, but you will be feeling much better. You're young, give it some space. Regroup. 1
Jejangles Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I read through some of your other threads and can see you've been anxious in this relationship before. First of all, have you read the book Attached? (There's another thread about anxious attachers, which you sound like). I think that would be a great book for you to read! Otherwise, it's hard to tell whether your concerns are warranted or not. You say you initiate all the plans, you could definitely pull back just a little to see what he does. I do think his non response to your text was a little rude - it takes a few seconds to type something sweet back. I think you need to let go of the all or nothing thinking you're showing in this thread - he is not your last chance / you will not end up alone if he is not the one! Step back a little and look with clear eyes - why does this relationship make you so anxious? Where is he missing on meeting your emotional needs? Are you happy in your relationship now or do you a lot of "I'll be happy when..." thinking? 1
Els Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Well. Being a hard worker is good, yes, but there aren't just the two options of 'extremely hard worker who doesn't put any effort into your R' and 'unemployed dude'. There's a wide spectrum between the two extremes. I can understand someone needing to spend a lot of time on work and training - my SO works an extremely demanding job - but if it's not temporary and they are putting literally zero effort into the R the entire time, then I don't think that's acceptable either. How often do you two meet up anyway? You could give him a bit of space to initiate, and if he doesn't, then talk to him about it. You have the right to need and desire certain things from a R within reason. Wanting him to initiate contact or a meetup sometimes is very reasonable.
Arieswoman Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Genie1, I'm going to come at this from a different angle. Let's forget about him being a bit of a workaholic for a minute..... What is it you want out of life? How do you see yourself in a years time? Two years? Three years? Do want to be married and/or have children? Where do you see yourself career-wise? Now, how does this guy fit into your plans? Are you on the same page? How does he fit into your time-frame? Maybe it's time you had a conversation about this? Good luck 1
angel.eyes Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) A discussion came up a while back that when his lease is up in October that he could move in with me? We would have been together a year then. He acted keen and excited about it. Who broached the topic of him moving in? You or him? The same conversation came up again the other day and he ummmed and ahhhed it then said "well it's still only July, and it's a huge step". Who raised the topic of living together in this second conversation? I agree with him. It IS a huge step. Why the rush when you are barely past the 6-month mark? Relationships are a marathon, not the 100-yard dash. Pace yourself. Bottom line: You aren't giving him a chance to initiate and show interest. That makes it tough to know whether your anxiety is justified, or if he's still interested and you're just overreacting and overthinking things. Step back and let him take the lead for a change. Edited July 20, 2015 by angel.eyes 1
Recommended Posts