KissMyTiara Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 I am sooooo bummed right now. The "new guy" and I met on Match, were having a wonderful, new, fledgling little romantic relationship. We were intimate on Monday evening, I stayed over... This morning, one of the girls in my office was showing people all the emails/winks she got in less than 3 days, and as I'm standing behind her and she's scrolling threw, guess who "winked" at her? Yup. My heart sank, and there's a HUGE lump in my throat right now. I sent him an short and simple email about it, just saying that I am bummed from seeing that wink... no response yet (he's Mr. Uber-Quick-Email-Responder). How to approach this situation??
Debster Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Did you guys have the exclusive talk? How long were you together? There are some guys on Internet sites where they will continue to go online because it has become a habit and a way to keep stroking their egos. Some will do it because they want to see how many women they can get. Others will continue to play the field until a decision has been made on exclusivity.
Author KissMyTiara Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 No, we haven't come anywhere near having any sort of talk about exclusivity...and I'm still kinda peeking around as well, but I'm not actively sending emails or winks. What is really bothering me is that I had to wink at him and email HIM, and only then did he respond, whereas here, he's clearly pursuing HER. It's not like he's just checking things out, he's obviously actively LOOKING, don't you think?
kellyp1 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Screen before you meet. I have a friend that asks me whenever she gets the wink if the guy has winked at her also recently and I do the same, that lets both of us at least have an idea if he is out there winking a lot before we even meet them. I would tend to take it slower with a guy like that knowing he is looking at lots of other girls. Heck, you can even send their screen name my way, as I too live in the O.C.
Author KissMyTiara Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 We spoke on the phone, emailed, IM-ed, texted, etc. for well over a month before we met. We've been actually physically seeing each other face-to-face on looonngg dates or "hanging out" at our respective places about 3x week for about a month or 6 weeks...??
ConfusedInOC Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Sounds like you've got a player on your hands, KMT. Sorry about that.
alphamale Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara We spoke on the phone, emailed, IM-ed, texted, etc. for well over a month before we met. We've been seeing each other 3x week for about a month or 6 weeks...?? is this the jewish dude KMT??
Debster Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Without the exclusivity chat, he's not really doing anything wrong. I know that's not going to make you feel better though. As for who winked, (the one I used had smiles) first, that doesn't really matter. It could be that you didn't match his search criteria. For example, my husband would have never found me when he searched because he limited his distance to within 5k. I lived farther than 5k. I found him, smiled at him and the rest is history.
JanieQP Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara What is really bothering me is that I had to wink at him and email HIM That might be your problem right there. Could it be that he's with you when it's comfortable and you do the work, but has lacking motivation to BE with you?
Author KissMyTiara Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale is this the jewish dude KMT?? Yup. And the winkee is Jewish. Originally posted by JanieQP Could it be that ... he has lacking motivation to BE with you? He's put in plenty of effort and time, he's even rearranged his schedule to be with me. Quite honestly, this is just simple insecurity on my part. I'm certain I am way more into him than he is into me. Anyways, he responded and said that he was sorry if he hurt my feelings, and that if I winked at one of his friends he'd be really hurt too. But then he said he'd understand if I didn't want to see him again. I didn't know what to say to that, so I just told him that I have plenty of friends on match, so I'm sure it's going to happen again...(trying to be cool about it)...and told him it was water under the bridge. Good/bad??
Debster Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 If he's jewish and he winked at a jewish woman, chances are he never would have winked at you as you would never fit his search criteria : jewish. I've posted on this before. Jewish men frequently would choose a jewish woman over a someone who isn't jewish. Especially if they are looking to get married and have kids at some point in time. Kids are only jewish if born to a jewish mother (or converted). Many jewish families prefer their children marry within the religion. I think that he may very well like you and have fun with you, but deep down he doesn't think it will turn serious as it appears as if he is looking for a jewish mate. I'm sorry.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Yup. And the winkee is Jewish. He's put in plenty of effort and time, he's even rearranged his schedule to be with me. Quite honestly, this is just simple insecurity on my part. I'm certain I am way more into him than he is into me. Anyways, he responded and said that he was sorry if he hurt my feelings, and that if I winked at one of his friends he'd be really hurt too. But then he said he'd understand if I didn't want to see him again. I didn't know what to say to that, so I just told him that I have plenty of friends on match, so I'm sure it's going to happen again...(trying to be cool about it)...and told him it was water under the bridge. Good/bad?? KMT, he's a player. Why waste your time?
kellyp1 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 He sounds like a player. My friend also dated a Jewish guy for almost 2 years. They broke up when he said he loved her but could never make a committment to her because of their religion. At the same time, she found he had been looking at Jewish-specific websites checking out the ladies. If you stay with it, know that it will be for a fling only. If you are ok with that, more power to you. Flings are fun and have their place. Figure out what you want and decide if it is worth it.
alphamale Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 this is exactly one of the reasons I don't recommend internet dating... be forewarned
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 I'm certain I am way more into him than he is into me. Come right out and ask him what he feels for you and where this is going. I sent him an short and simple email about it, just saying that I am bummed from seeing that wink... no response yet (he's Mr. Uber-Quick-Email-Responder). You're feeding his ego by saying that to him. Giving him too much info. Translation = He is power over you now and he knows it. Not in a malcious mean way, but it is making him feel good knowing you're after him...The cat/mouse game...He's keeping you on your toes to keep you interested. and I'm still kinda peeking around as well, but I'm not actively sending emails or winks. So in a way, you're putting boundries on this. You're still peeking and that's OK, yet so he is, just is doing it the way he wants to...Winks/emails. Yeah, he's still keeping his options open. The only way you're gonna know is to come right out and ask him/tell him what is in your head. Otherwise it is going to drive you crazy. Good luck!
mental_traveller Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 IMO you have just overlooked one of the rules of the dating game. Once you go on a date or two with someone, each person "screens" the other for suitability, and categorises them as follows: a) definitely serious relationship material b) possibly serious relationship material, but need to know them for longer before making a firm decision on seriousness c) definitely not serious relationship material, but interested in some no strings fun or a quick fling while waiting for something better to come along d) no potential, not even worth a quick fling Until you have a conversation asking the other person (subtly, of course) which category they have placed you in, you can't make any assumptions. You say you haven't had an "exclusivity" talk with this guy yet - so really don't know what category he has placed you in. Now you have seen he has "winked" at someone else. To me this shows that he might not have placed you in category a). But it could quite easily be the case that his not sure if you are 100% serious about him, and wants to keep his options open, or have a backup plan in case you disappear. If you haven't told him you want to get serious, then he has no reason to think that's what you want. For all he knows, you could drop him like a hot potato tomorrow. He may also have you in category b), which is still not bad since you have only been meeting for a short time. Or in the worst case, he has you in category c. The only way you'll find out is by discussing it with him - you need to ask him how he feels about the way things are going, does he think you two can be serious together? If he says yes, then you should clarify are you now in a monogamous & serious relationship, or does he want more time to decide. Make sure you leave his options open, so he doesn't feel pressured into agreeing with your perceived demands. If he then agrees to be serious, and you find he is *still* winking at other people, then you have a problem and should ditch the guy. But until then, he is behaving perfectly reasonably IMO. In general, once you've met a couple of times and like the other person, you have to have a talk to discover where they think things are going. Never assume someone is serious until you literally ask them upfront and they reply by saying yes. Overall it's a lot easier if you are open and communicate clearly, rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about people.
HoldOn Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Forget this guy KMT, there are too many bad signs. -You winked at him first. (Maybe he's just with you becuase you made it so easy. And you don't have the he's too shy excuse because he's obviously capable.) -He's probably looking for a jewish wife. -After six weeks he should have decided whether or not to be exclusive with you. You're just easy to be around (since you pursue him), so he keeps you around. -He basically TOLD you to dump him! "But then he said he'd understand if I didn't want to see him again. " Hello! If a guy was really into you, he'd be begging you to forgive him, not dump him! -You admit that you like him more than he likes you. Next time, wait for a guy who's really interested in you first, it gives YOU the power in the relationship!
kellyp1 Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 I share your confusion right now as the guy I am dating I met on Match (it's been several dates but only 2 weeks) and he still logs on to Match a couple of times a day. I am not having the exclusivity conversation anytime soon because we are definately still getting to know each other but I have to say it does bother me. It is my first experience with online dating anyway but I at least want the ignorance of thinking I swept him off his feet and that he is going to focus his efforts on us and stop looking for at least a little while. The reality is, many guys want to keep looking for what they want and still appreciate you and enjoy themselves with you for the timebeing only. It sucks but it's true. Figure out, aside from that, if this guy is really worth it and there is potential there. If not, life is too short to let some guy cause you anguish. Winking is actively looking in my opinion. Good luck!
SexKitten Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 sometimes it's better to wait to get intimate until you really know a person. i am sorry he winked at your friend...but at least you found out early that he maybe wasn't as serious as you were. there are other fish in the sea. lame, but true. go snag yourself a keeper. that was even more lame, but i tried.
Jennifer'sSecret Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by kellyp1 I share your confusion right now as the guy I am dating I met on Match (it's been several dates but only 2 weeks) and he still logs on to Match a couple of times a day. I am not having the exclusivity conversation anytime soon because we are definately still getting to know each other but I have to say it does bother me. It is my first experience with online dating anyway but I at least want the ignorance of thinking I swept him off his feet and that he is going to focus his efforts on us and stop looking for at least a little while. The reality is, many guys want to keep looking for what they want and still appreciate you and enjoy themselves with you for the timebeing only. It sucks but it's true. Figure out, aside from that, if this guy is really worth it and there is potential there. If not, life is too short to let some guy cause you anguish. Winking is actively looking in my opinion. Good luck! Hey, I'm in a similar situation! It's about 2 weeks in, we talk everyday, have had about 5 dates, have a great time together, seems like he speaks in the future tense, and yet he is still logging on there on a daily basis. But then again, so am I, but more so because he is. It's like a game or something - "if he's going to log on then I am too!" He even made a comment to me about how he had noticed I hadn't been on in a few days, so it's as if we are both checking in on each other or something. Such a tough cookie to deal with. Keep me posted ladies!
tokyo Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by Debster Without the exclusivity chat, he's not really doing anything wrong. I know that's not going to make you feel better though. I thought when people get intimate that there was some sort of mutual silent agreement that it was exclusive. I'd take all the other things like hanging out with each other for a long time as a sign that there is interest on both parties and with becoming intimate you take it a step further. Whatever, I guess, if you date a player, you need a talk, when you're with a sincere and nice person you know that you are exclusive without this fuss.
SexKitten Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by kooky I thought when people get intimate that there was some sort of mutual silent agreement that it was exclusive. I'd take all the other things like hanging out with each other for a long time as a sign that there is interest on both parties and with becoming intimate you take it a step further. Whatever, I guess, if you date a player, you need a talk, when you're with a sincere and nice person you know that you are exclusive without this fuss. unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) intimacy is no longer a direct indicator of exclusivity.
HoldOn Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Whatever, I guess, if you date a player, you need a talk, when you're with a sincere and nice person you know that you are exclusive without this fuss. That's why you should make sure you're exclusive BEFORE you have sex with someone. You know what happens when you assume? You make an @ss out of u and me.
tokyo Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) intimacy is no longer a direct indicator of exclusivity. Hm, I think it still depends on the situation and the person. Most people who didn't state clearly before they were looking for a friends with benefit relationship or a one-night-stand will assume exclusivity when they become intimate with someone, hence KTM's slight disappointment at him winking at her friend. KTM doesn't strike me as a naive teenager in love, she probably has seen a couple of men in her life and still feels a bit hurt. The things I listed before and her becoming intimate with him would have been interpreted by most people that the relationship was a bit more than just fun.
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