JanieQP Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 A few days ago, I met a man and we hit it off. We met on-line (no chatting, just read each other's profiles then set up a meeting) so we had some key data about common traits ahead of time. I'd envisioned slowly letting things develop. But he's leaving me 3-4 messages a day, plus e-mailing. I only respond when he specifically requests it, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. He's openly said that he dives in where feelings are concerned, and he's gotten burnt that way. (He's 46, his wife died 6 years ago, has two near-grown kids. The marriage was good, but dating since then hasn't gone well.) OTOH, I really really like him. OTOH, I. Need. More. Time. And I have dates with 3 different guys, that were set up before I met Mr. Fast-Feelings. I don't want to cancel these, but I feel a little weird about the mis-match in paces. Would really appreciate pointers, ideas, criticism ... I read John Doe's thread, I'm sort of on the other side of that coin in some ways. I agree with LB's point about "slow down" sometimes meaning that the person isn't into you the same way. And I guess that's true here - I don't know the guy! Nor does he know me, but quite a few different people have had this instant feeling of being safe and warm and welcome with me, so I can't blame him alone for immediately feeling things are groovy.
alphamale Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP But he's leaving me 3-4 messages a day, plus e-mailing. I only respond when he specifically requests it, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. He's openly said that he dives in where feelings are concerned, the above is a BIG [color=red]RED[/color] FLAG, janieqp
Author JanieQP Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 AM, will you tell me more? what exactly is the red flag - the diving in?
alphamale Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP AM, will you tell me more? what exactly is the red flag - the diving in? yes, any dude who is contacting u 5 or 6 times per day after you just met a few days ago is either way desperate, way wierd or just way dumb.
Author JanieQP Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale yes, any dude who is contacting u 5 or 6 times per day after you just met a few days ago is either way desperate, way wierd or just way dumb. I'm thinking, way desperate. And shoot me down for being a bit of a hunter, but I like to have the feeling that I =earned= what I got ... if something's handed to me on a plate, I do indeed question the value.
alphamale Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP And shoot me down for being a bit of a hunter, but I like to have the feeling that I =earned= what I got ... if something's handed to me on a plate, I do indeed question the value. that is human nature JANIEQP. Most people are like that. If I hand you a brand new car for free it's value to you is $0.00. Then again, if u buy that new car yourself for $25,000 then its value to you is $25,000.
KissMyTiara Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 I'm not willing to agree that he's desperate - I think that's jumping to conclusions. But after having been married for a long time and having children who are almost grown and don't need him anymore, I'm sure he's feeling lonely and really wanting to feel that "connection" with another woman again. He's reaching out...sure, he's being needy, but it's not like he's being psycho yet. He probably thinks you have something special. Anyways, just be honest with him. Tell him he's a "fasty" and you're a "slowy" - that it's not HIM, you are just SLOW to dive in. You stick your toe in the feel the water, perhaps step back out, and then put a foot in, etc. You eeeasssseeee into it. Tell him if he wants for things to develop between you at all, he needs to slow things down a bit. Now that's not to say he needs to slow down to your pace, because there should be a compromise. That said, if he slows down to a rate that you're still not comfortable with, then just move on...
Author JanieQP Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara it's not like he's being psycho yet. Since starting the thread, I've upgraded him from "desperate" to "way weird", leaning toward psycho. This morning we met for coffee at 7 before work. This is the e-mail he sent me just over an hour after we parted. He also left two messages on my answering machine before 10. "Dear Janie, I simply have to write to you, because I'm so overwhelmed by my feelings, I have to let them out or I'll burst. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was so nervous! 1000 thoughts ran through my head - was my impression of you on Sunday correct? How did you see things? Then as I saw you sitting in front of (name of cafe), I was so touched, and inside when we hugged, I could feel that you wanted to be close to me, I was flooded with feelings, full of hopes (and fears, I admit). I want to learn everything about you, all at once. I have butterflies in my stomach - in other words, I'm falling in love with the nicest, smartest, sexiest, most attractive, most erotic, most feminine all women, in Jane. I want to spend a night with you, just to feel you, to talk, to get to know you. Oh, Jane - what are you doing to me? I haven't felt this way in so long. Words fail me! All my love, PsychoStalker"
gd1039 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Woah, I couldn't beleive it when you said how much he calls you. There is this girl I've been hanging out with for a little more than a month, and I feel bad about calling even once a day. Sometimes we will talk more than once a day, other times we talk once every couple days. She really hates calling, so I'm usually the one to call, but yea, I don't want to overdo it. I couldn't imagine calling this girl as much as that guy has been calling you without scaring her off... Anyways, as far as getting him to slow down. Just be blunt and tell him he is calling entirely too much. I don't think that if you are avoiding 90% of his calls in the beginning that things are going to pan out too well, so just lay it all out there and see if he changes. Even if he does change, you still know what he is thinking, so I guess that poses another question: Is it worse for him to be outright about how he feels or for him to hide it from you?
kellyp1 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 get out before it is too late. Don't make excuses or justifications or feel he needs a chance. He is way too into you without knowing you and that spells trouble!
sweetadeline Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 That e-mail is way, way over the top. I'd move on asap.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Sorry babe, but I think you've got a bit of a freakazoid on your hands. Or at the very least, somebody who's way to damn needy and desperate. I mean, hasn't he ever been taught the virtue of playing it cool? Maybe but it doesn't matter anyway, because anybody who's basically stalking you on the phone and calling you many times per day after a week or so is a few cans short of a six pack. I'm dating a woman I liked from the first meeting... and we talk something like every other day. ONCE. I knew not to overdo it even though I was making all the overtures... which is good, because she's starting to let her guard down and initiate things herself. In any event, he sounds like a bit of a case. Maybe not psycho, but likely somebody who could make your life very uncomfortable, be clingy, suspicious any time you want some time apart, even for an evening... the list goes on.
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 RUN fast and HEAD for the hills .... I'm not willing to agree that he's desperate - I think that's jumping to conclusions. Are you kidding me KMT?? Re-read the below quote... "Dear Janie, I simply have to write to you, because I'm so overwhelmed by my feelings, I have to let them out or I'll burst. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was so nervous! 1000 thoughts ran through my head - was my impression of you on Sunday correct? How did you see things? Then as I saw you sitting in front of (name of cafe), I was so touched, and inside when we hugged, I could feel that you wanted to be close to me, I was flooded with feelings, full of hopes (and fears, I admit). I want to learn everything about you, all at once. I have butterflies in my stomach - in other words, I'm falling in love with the nicest, smartest, sexiest, most attractive, most erotic, most feminine all women, in Jane. I want to spend a night with you, just to feel you, to talk, to get to know you. Oh, Jane - what are you doing to me? I haven't felt this way in so long. Words fail me! OOOOOPPPPPSSSSSSSS...Maybe you've not read the post about the email yet...I hope now you see this guy is desperate and quite needy...
noname Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 good possibility he could be psycho... but just as much a possibility that he is saying things that he thinks you would like to hear. he may really be feeling close to you. i urge you to ask yourself this... if you were really feeling this guy and he was someone you you wanted to just jump right in with, would his words and attention make you put up your red flag? his letter might have even read like poetry... maybe his experiences with females are with women that actually eat the "cassanova" **** up. maybe he is a super romantic. who knows? but i would wait for some more solid clues of psychosis before jumping ship. and explain to him that you may be a little different than the women that he has dealt with before and that you are a little uncomfortable with too much attention and would like to take it slow. remember that he has probably gone through all the "women want to be romanced" and "women want to be pursued" and "playing hard to get" training that most men go through. so, in actuality he may think that he is doing everything right. **** he may not even be totally like that, rather just trying to make you feel desired. my advice... of course be careful and protect yourself, but establish your comfort zones and you may find out that he is just a sappy romantic who is really taken by a wonderful woman who just doesn't understand him...
KissMyTiara Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 "He is not psycho yet." - Me. Ummmmmm, yeeeeaaaahhhhh, I take it back. "Yet" is no more. He's a little...off. I'd discontinue all contact with him.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 He's a little...off. I'd discontinue all contact with him. I like the way that sounds...He's a little...off! LOL! Yup, dump him like a hot potatoe!
Author JanieQP Posted May 5, 2005 Author Posted May 5, 2005 So I called him this a.m. to lay down the law. Good thing I did, b/c he'd been planning to surprise me at the 10K race I ran today. (It's a holiday where I live.) "Just" to show up and cheer me on and take some pictures. The race was about an hour from where I live. I told him that if he'd shown up, there would be NO chance at all of any further contact. "Surprises" like this are totally something my father loves to do, and the "off" bit matches my dad as well. This is not a good thing. No wonder I've only ever dated men who remind me of my mother. (Which is also not a good thing.) Um, I suppose an appropriate new thread would be, "what do I have to do to attract normal men? or at least to stop attracting ones who aren't quite well?"
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 So did you break up with this guy yet? Cuz you know that has to happen. He wanted to take pictures of you??? Creepy...
gd1039 Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP I told him that if he'd shown up, there would be NO chance at all of any further contact. lol. good for you though.
alphamale Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP No wonder I've only ever dated men who remind me of my mother. (Which is also not a good thing.) ....so did these "men" also wear makeup and heels?
SummerRae Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP "Surprises" like this are totally something my father loves to do, and the "off" bit matches my dad as well. This is not a good thing. No wonder I've only ever dated men who remind me of my mother. (Which is also not a good thing.) Um, I suppose an appropriate new thread would be, "what do I have to do to attract normal men? or at least to stop attracting ones who aren't quite well?" too funny! I have often thought the same thing! Only usually I would attract the Dad's and believe me NOT SOMETHING I want to contend with. Bunch of bloody blokes! I think just knowing what you want, slowly, when we least expect it, they almost show up on our doorstep!
Author JanieQP Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale ....so did these "men" also wear makeup and heels? Heh. Come to think of it, neither does my mother ... the similarity is that she's cold and distanced and stiff and expects a lot of unrealistic stuff from me while not understanding there has to be some kind of active present relationship with me for that to happen. (She wants to be recompensed for aaaaaaaaaalllll she did for me when I was small, but I didn't ask to be born, and frankly I got dumped fast in favor of cuter new sibs.) And she's really focused on appearances ...
XNemesisX Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Oh man oh man....janie are we dating the same men?! Seems like the guys I date pull this freak crap too. BUT Noname made an excellent point. My ex (who I was head over heels for) was writing emails like that after a few weeks of knowing eachother and I LOVED IT! He wanted to spend every second with me and called me 10x a day and it was not a problem. But if any other guy had done that I would have ran like HELL> I think you just don't like this guy. Get rid of him. He sounds off kilter. That, or you just really don't like him that way so it makes him seem even creepier.
SummerRae Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by noname good possibility he could be psycho... but just as much a possibility that he is saying things that he thinks you would like to hear. he may really be feeling close to you. i urge you to ask yourself this... if you were really feeling this guy and he was someone you you wanted to just jump right in with, would his words and attention make you put up your red flag? his letter might have even read like poetry... maybe his experiences with females are with women that actually eat the "cassanova" **** up. maybe he is a super romantic. who knows? but i would wait for some more solid clues of psychosis before jumping ship. and explain to him that you may be a little different than the women that he has dealt with before and that you are a little uncomfortable with too much attention and would like to take it slow. remember that he has probably gone through all the "women want to be romanced" and "women want to be pursued" and "playing hard to get" training that most men go through. so, in actuality he may think that he is doing everything right. **** he may not even be totally like that, rather just trying to make you feel desired. my advice... of course be careful and protect yourself, but establish your comfort zones and you may find out that he is just a sappy romantic who is really taken by a wonderful woman who just doesn't understand him... OMG, you're dead on noname!! I totally agree. It all depends where the attention is coming from and if you really dig the person or not.
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