NCgirl155 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) My ex and I are both 16 and were only together 4 months long distance (2 hours, I met him though some family I have that lives down there) and knew eachother for 5 months, but I can honestly say looking back those were some of the best months of my life. We talked every single day for hours so despite the distance he became a really important part of my life really quickly, and he wasn't only my boyfriend but my best friend. We were only able to see eachother twice while I was visiting family during the relationship. Anyways, he broke up with me at the end of June because the distance was pulling us apart due to our conflicting schedules which was making things tough because we weren't able to talk all that much and I was getting annoyed. Our breakup was clean, no fighting, yelling, blaming, or cursing eachother out. I was in love with him (he was my first love) so obviously I was really upset. He texted me a few hours after the breakup asking me if we could still be friends. I told him that I didn't know yet and that I needed some time, and he said he understood. To this day I don't know how the breakup affected him or how he felt about it, because he hasn't volunteered any emotions at all. But the past is in the past. I implemented the no contact rule for two weeks after the breakup because I said I needed time and I wanted to give both of us some space, even though he never mentioned needing it. I casually texted him last night to say hey and see how he was, and then ended up asking him if he still wants to say friends like he had said, and he said he'd be friends. Just now I asked him if he was sure and wasn't just saying that because he felt bad, and I haven't gotten a reply yet but once he does I'll probably cut the conversation off, but when I do, should i mention that we should talk sometime over facetime and catch up if he gets the chance? I've realized that now that he wants to stay friends, I have no idea what to do from here! I've never been friends with an ex (although I'm friendly with some) and I'm normally not an advocate of doing so, but due to our circumstances I think it's totally fine, he's a really great guy and just because our romantic relationship didn't work out because of distance doesn't mean that our friendship doesn't have to. He broke up with me for realistic reasons and never really hurt me (obviously the breakup hurt, but he personally didn't do or say anything to hurt me, he was extremely nice about it). And yes, I understand that this means that eventually another girl will be in his life, but whatever makes him happy is fine with me. But where do I go from here? How do you actually rebuild a friendship with an ex? I've noticed that it's a bit awkward starting over with someone you have so much history with, but I'm assuming it'll get better with time. Something seemed a little strange while we were texting but he's always been an awful short text sender so I'm not really thinking much of it. I was his first serious girlfriend so I don't know if he knows how everything works post-breakup either. So what do I do from here? How often should we be contacting eachother (texting/facetime/phone calls)? When I'm in his state next month do I ask him to hang out? I just feel like ex friendships are different than normal ones so I'm a little unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing here haha. (PS. I know that a lot of people are very against staying friends with an ex on this site, but please respect that I've thought long and hard about this decision and ultimately decided that it's a good idea under the given circumstances. Like I said, I'm normally not an advocate for being friends with an ex, so please understand that for me to decide to do this, I really do care about him that I'm ready to start over in a platonic friendship. If it ultimately ends up being a mistake, I'll live and I'll learn, I'm only 16.) Edited July 17, 2015 by NCgirl155
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Why not? Treat him like you would any other friend who lives 2 hours away... which probably means you never see him, rarely speak, never do anything together, and primarily interact through status updates and likes or posts or whatever. Don't rebuild a friendship for the sake of getting back to closeness without the emotion. Just let him exist in that strange limbo between regular pal and stranger, and if you feel like it's getting to intense, cut him out. If not, keep him hanging around. For all you know, you might cross paths again, but either way you do it, I'm sure it will all be fine.
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I advocate being friendly, rather than destructive. However, let's be friends is a lie people often say to soften the blow of the break up. Don't take him too seriously. If you want more, don't think being his friend will make him come back. At best you will get a front row seat to his next relationship Do you really want to be the one giving him advice about his new GF? Besides she will probably want you gone in an instant 1
Author NCgirl155 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I advocate being friendly, rather than destructive. However, let's be friends is a lie people often say to soften the blow of the break up. Don't take him too seriously. If you want more, don't think being his friend will make him come back. At best you will get a front row seat to his next relationship Do you really want to be the one giving him advice about his new GF? Besides she will probably want you gone in an instant Yeah, I know that a lot of guys do that, but I thought that maybe he actually meant it because he wasn't just like "oh yeah we can still be friends", he asked "can we still be friends please"? But maybe I'm wrong. And I don't want more, just a friendship, as right now a relationship between us isn't realistic due to the distance. And call me crazy but I actually wouldn't mind giving him advice about a new girl, I would just be happy for him and I really enjoy giving advice no matter who the person is.
Author NCgirl155 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Why not? Treat him like you would any other friend who lives 2 hours away... which probably means you never see him, rarely speak, never do anything together, and primarily interact through status updates and likes or posts or whatever. Don't rebuild a friendship for the sake of getting back to closeness without the emotion. Just let him exist in that strange limbo between regular pal and stranger, and if you feel like it's getting to intense, cut him out. If not, keep him hanging around. For all you know, you might cross paths again, but either way you do it, I'm sure it will all be fine. The only thing is that I have a lot of long distance friends and we do speak a lot (text/facetime/phone calls) and we often plan times when we can hang out every few months or so, so that why I'm confused. Should I treat him like that? And I'm just looking to rebuild a friendship because I think he's a really great guy, he gets me and gives great advice and he's just one of those people who's really loyal and a good friend. And about the crossing path some day thing, that would be nice too! Thanks for your help
Holmes85 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 NCGirl155, First things first, the distance matters to the mind, not the heart. Second we live in the modern age of smartphones, everything is possible, you can see him through FaceTime, text him back & forth and keep yourself up to date on what's going on each others lives. Obviously at some point, you guys had to shorten the distance, so you guys could be together, one step at a time. But here's the thing, from what you describe, he gave up on you, not the other way around. I also see that the reason you seem to lay all your bets on is "the distance" broke us off, we were perfect, I'm his first girlfriend and all this. Doesn't it seem odd that he's taking that all surprisingly a bit too well? 4 months in my opinion is nothing, usually the infatuation stage wears off at some point, for most it's usually between 3-8 months to a year. I personally believe the sooner the breakup occurs, the better it is for you in the long run. At the age of 16 most guys (and girls) don't know what they want, they have an idea, but it's very vague. I would strongly advice you not to dwell on this dude that much, enjoy your summer vacations and keep your head up high and concentrate on your studies and pursue a career that you are interested in. I think you are better off spending your energy somewhere else than with this guy. Good luck to you!
Author NCgirl155 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 NCGirl155, First things first, the distance matters to the mind, not the heart. Second we live in the modern age of smartphones, everything is possible, you can see him through FaceTime, text him back & forth and keep yourself up to date on what's going on each others lives. Obviously at some point, you guys had to shorten the distance, so you guys could be together, one step at a time. But here's the thing, from what you describe, he gave up on you, not the other way around. I also see that the reason you seem to lay all your bets on is "the distance" broke us off, we were perfect, I'm his first girlfriend and all this. Doesn't it seem odd that he's taking that all surprisingly a bit too well? 4 months in my opinion is nothing, usually the infatuation stage wears off at some point, for most it's usually between 3-8 months to a year. I personally believe the sooner the breakup occurs, the better it is for you in the long run. At the age of 16 most guys (and girls) don't know what they want, they have an idea, but it's very vague. I would strongly advice you not to dwell on this dude that much, enjoy your summer vacations and keep your head up high and concentrate on your studies and pursue a career that you are interested in. I think you are better off spending your energy somewhere else than with this guy. Good luck to you! Yeah I totally agree with you about how easy contact should've been since we both have smartphones, but he's one of those guys who will put his phone down for hours and not check it, regardless of who he thinks may text him (one time, I was with him and he hadn't checked his phone for hours, and his mom texted him about 20 times and he had no idea, if that gives you any idea of what he's like) and he doesn't like social media either. And I truly think it was basically just the distance, as I had asked him to be 100% honest and tell me why, and he explained that he was having trouble keeping up with everything and he felt bad because he knew it was hurting me but he wasn't sure that there was much he could do because he has a job and everything now. He could've been lying, but he seemed really genuine. I just don't think he's cut out for a long distance relationship. And I don't know how he's taking it actually, I just haven't been around him or talking to him so I have no way of knowing. I agree that it's good that the breakup happened sooner than later, as it probably would've hurt even more down the road. Thank you for your advice!
pidgeon1010 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 The only thing is that I have a lot of long distance friends and we do speak a lot (text/facetime/phone calls) and we often plan times when we can hang out every few months or so, so that why I'm confused. Should I treat him like that? And I'm just looking to rebuild a friendship because I think he's a really great guy, he gets me and gives great advice and he's just one of those people who's really loyal and a good friend. And about the crossing path some day thing, that would be nice too! Thanks for your help You seem to want to establish some sort of regular contact with him. Are you sure you're over him? The thing is, you can only treat him the way he wants you to treat him so even though you may want to speak regularly via whatever medium of communication and hang out when the opportunity presents itself, it may not happen because that's not what he wants. Staying friends to him may just mean exchanging a few pleasantries every now and then. How do you figure out what level of friendship he wants? You look at his actions in the coming months. Is he texting, asking to facetime, etc or are you the one always proposing that you two connect? You have told him you are interested in staying friends so now he knows. ps. If he responds to your message, I guess it can't hurt to say something like "cool, we should catch up on facetime" and then see where it goes from there.
Author NCgirl155 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) You seem to want to establish some sort of regular contact with him. Are you sure you're over him? The thing is, you can only treat him the way he wants you to treat him so even though you may want to speak regularly via whatever medium of communication and hang out when the opportunity presents itself, it may not happen because that's not what he wants. Staying friends to him may just mean exchanging a few pleasantries every now and then. How do you figure out what level of friendship he wants? You look at his actions in the coming months. Is he texting, asking to facetime, etc or are you the one always proposing that you two connect? You have told him you are interested in staying friends so now he knows. ps. If he responds to your message, I guess it can't hurt to say something like "cool, we should catch up on facetime" and then see where it goes from there. I actually found your advice so helpful thank you! I am looking to establish regular contact but I'm not looking to reconcile or anything, my hope was just that we could go back to being really good friends. I guess I'll eventually find out what friendship would mean to him depending on how much he contacts me, but I'm guessing it won't be too often because he never uses his phone. But he did respond (and actually said something sort of weird- he confirmed that he wants to be friends but told me not to get offended if he doesn't reply sometimes because he's busy with friends? I found it a bit rude but maybe I took it the wrong way) and I told him that if he gets the chance he should facetime me if he's free to catch up so the ball is really in his court now. Thanks for your help! Edited July 18, 2015 by NCgirl155
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