Suri_J Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 So this is complicated. My ex and I were together for four years and just recently broke up. We were in a poly relationship for a while, but always came back to each other. It wasn't until recently that she started sleeping with another guy and being secretive about it. I confronted her and then of course we decided we needed a break. That was about three weeks ago. Now since then we've alternated between going days without speaking, then fighting, then talking about how much we love each other and have hope for the future. Generally, it's been pretty hard on me. The first two weeks were hell. I know she had some rough times as well, but generally seems to have been trying to cover it up. From what I can see she's been doing better than me and enjoying the space. The problem is that we still live in the same house. I've been mostly trying to stay at my parents while I can, but that's not ideal either. I don't like feeling forced out of my house, but I can't stand it any time I'm there. The whole situation is confusing. It'll seem like she wants nothing to do with me and then out of the blue I'll get texts from her saying she loves me. Generally we've been trying to keep our distance, but then the other day we ended up meeting up and talking for hours. At the end of the meet up she broke down crying. She left and then we didn't speak again for a couple days until she texts me saying how a couple we know just moved in to an apartment together and she wishes that could have been us. Sometimes when I go back to the house it will seem like she wants nothing to do with me and then other times we'll exchange that "look" and give each other a long loving hug. I know it's stupid, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being kept on a leash here even though I don't think that's her intention. I'm pretty certain she just doesn't know what she wants either. The guy she's sleeping with it seems like she's just using for sex (she doesn't do anything else with him, won't introduce or mention him to her friends or family, etc) but we have the stronger emotional connection that is hard for each of us to let go of. One side of me knows I shouldn't put up with this BS and wait around, but the other side of me says that the whole "no contact, burn all her stuff" negative fearful way of doing things just doesn't work either. Especially considering the fact that we still live in the same house and more than half the stuff I own is either a gift from her or has strong associations with her. Seriously, how does one go about this? Do I really try to be brutal in cutting her out of my life as best as I can or do I make strides to be above that? She may be giving mixed signals, but I haven't been much better considering one day I'll be pissed at her and the next I'll be feeling strongly as well. I know they say "love is blind" and I want to have a clear head about this. Letting go is nearly impossible though. It's also difficult that we both have tickets to a three day music festival next weekend as well... I'm not sure how we're going to manage that.
54JA Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Regardless of your circumstances, regardless of her words and actions, you have the power to move on if that is what you really want.
NopeNah Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My advice: Don't devalue yourself,or allow her to do so. That "love is blind" stuff,is nonsense. You only allow yourself to be blinded,when you choose to do so.
Author Suri_J Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 My advice: Don't devalue yourself,or allow her to do so. That "love is blind" stuff,is nonsense. You only allow yourself to be blinded,when you choose to do so. You're right. The blinders go on when it makes dealing with the pain easier. It's hard to accept that you've just been living a lie for the last four years and it's now time to throw it all away. It's even harder when you have numerous visionary/tantric experiences together that feel as if they transcend human experience.... I should have seen the signs a long time ago though. Oh well.
ZiggyZoo Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm curious why you consider no contact "negative and fearful" when staying in contact right now is so painful. Perhaps you have the wrong idea of why it should be implemented, but the main benefit of it is to eliminate all these back and forth painful exchanges you're having with your ex. Breaking up is gut-wrenching as it is, without adding on "I miss yous" and meaningful looks followed by deep hugs. The sad thing is, you two are no longer each others' emotional supports. No contact allows you to focus on YOUR healing, without getting hurt moe while trying to help your ex. It isn't cowardly or a ounishment, it's meant to turn all the focus on you, so you can get better.
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 You're right. The blinders go on when it makes dealing with the pain easier. It's hard to accept that you've just been living a lie for the last four years and it's now time to throw it all away. It's even harder when you have numerous visionary/tantric experiences together that feel as if they transcend human experience.... I should have seen the signs a long time ago though. Oh well.Is that a change in the story, or is that just self-pity talking? It wasn't until recently that she started sleeping with another guy and being secretive about it. I don't think it helps you to devalue the entire relationship because of recent events. Understand that you are a victim of change, as we all are, and then deal with that. To invalidate your entire time together makes this a lot more difficult for you than it needs to be.
Author Suri_J Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Is that a change in the story, or is that just self-pity talking? I don't think it helps you to devalue the entire relationship because of recent events. Understand that you are a victim of change, as we all are, and then deal with that. To invalidate your entire time together makes this a lot more difficult for you than it needs to be. Good point. It's likely a combination of both. I left a good portion of the story out because it wasn't immediately relevant. What I meant is that there have been other instances in which it was clear that I cared more than she did. However, if I'm honest about it there were also many instances in which she cared more than I did. It's never been a completely consistent thing, which i think is normal. Relationships ebb and flow. There have been times when my attraction towards her waned and so did hers towards me. Then there have been many times of deep love and understanding as well as times of annoyance and frustration. Indeed we are victims of change.
Author Suri_J Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I'm curious why you consider no contact "negative and fearful" when staying in contact right now is so painful. Perhaps you have the wrong idea of why it should be implemented, but the main benefit of it is to eliminate all these back and forth painful exchanges you're having with your ex. Breaking up is gut-wrenching as it is, without adding on "I miss yous" and meaningful looks followed by deep hugs. The sad thing is, you two are no longer each others' emotional supports. No contact allows you to focus on YOUR healing, without getting hurt moe while trying to help your ex. It isn't cowardly or a ounishment, it's meant to turn all the focus on you, so you can get better. It's just that I think it has to be done with the visualization of moving towards something better, not necessarily moving away from what's hurting you. Trying to avoid the cause of the pain reinforces in one's mind how big the pain really is and in turn makes it into an even bigger deal. As you think so shall you become. I want to be able to focus on my healing and my life regardless of whether or not I'm in contact. Yes, contact is a negative interference and so it may be necessary to minimize it...
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