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Posted

velvette,

 

Not confused lol. Your ex is all kinds of messed up. And whatever his issues are would take years of counseling to unravel. Since he apparently never saw a counselor, you are lucky to be rid of him.

 

Yup, I came to that conclusion as I watched all this drama unfold, and I thought OW had issues as well.

 

However, to go back to the original question - they must have "fought for each other", as they ended up together, and are still together after 20 years. :rolleyes:

Posted (edited)
He (WS) chose to be with me (OW) and never looked back. That was in 2007.

 

are you still together? :)

 

OP, i kinda noticed the same thing. i know far more OMs who "won" with their MWs than the other way around situations... but than again i DO also know a lot of MMs who went after their OWs so there is that.

 

a lot of different situations out there, i will say that i noticed women tend to be more "dramatic" as in they tend to "fight" for their spouse -- men tend to let go a bit easy... just my experience.

Edited by minimariah
Posted (edited)
I think there are all sorts of OW.

 

I was a very demanding mistress and expected first place. My husbands says he finds me to be much more agreeable as his wife than I ever was as his mistress.

 

Still, I do agree that there are many OW who seem willing to be in second place. I have never understood that myself. To say they are damaged though, might be a tad overstated.....

 

^^

 

all of the OWs who had "won" were like this. none of them allowed the MM to become comfortable with the situations, all of the ladies meant business. lol.

 

i will say one thing more on the topic - i don't think you can fight for someone. they either want you or they don't -- if they want you, you work together to make your relationship work... if they don't? you can fight until the judgement day... & they still won't stay.

Edited by minimariah
  • Like 4
Posted
I have never understood that myself. To say they are damaged though, might be a tad overstated.....

I actually meant - submissive/vulnerable/naive/damaged = submissive and/or vulnerable and/or naive and/or damaged

 

and not submissive and vulnerable and naive and damaged.

 

Sorry I should have been clearer. :)

  • Like 1
Posted

Odd thing, here on LS most MW get involved with MM and not single men (whom they can see coming from a mile away) while MM tend to get single women.

 

This plays a role in fighting for the WS. So often women tend to see the MM as a prize worth fighting for while MM tend to shy away from complications.

 

It is a huge difference along gender lines because MM tend not to put their wives on the backburner and make the MW/OW the center of his world. While women convince themselves that the AP is Mr Perfect and gets them like no one ever has. Why else would they risk so much to be with him.

 

In short women tend to be far more emotionally vested in their AP, and more likely to act on pure emotions.

  • Like 2
Posted
Odd thing, here on LS most MW get involved with MM and not single men (whom they can see coming from a mile away) while MM tend to get single women.

 

This plays a role in fighting for the WS. So often women tend to see the MM as a prize worth fighting for while MM tend to shy away from complications.

 

It is a huge difference along gender lines because MM tend not to put their wives on the backburner and make the MW/OW the center of his world. While women convince themselves that the AP is Mr Perfect and gets them like no one ever has. Why else would they risk so much to be with him.

 

In short women tend to be far more emotionally vested in their AP, and more likely to act on pure emotions.

 

Interesting. Really, you would think that an MM who has no intention of divorcing would engage in an affair with a married woman rather than a single woman. Seems like it would be both safer and drama free....

  • Like 1
Posted

I never fought for the MM. When the sh__ hit the fan and she went ballistic on him, in house separation, all family and friends knew, she took down they were married with the big heart that is placed on FB (down it went that day), I left and did not look back. He was the one to come back and make amends to the relationship. I had moved on. It was a mistake to let him back into my world. It will not happen again.

Posted

I was also a demanding OW. I was not kidding around and if we were going to put ourselves in this situation it had better be for a damn good reason.

  • Like 3
Posted
Odd thing, here on LS most MW get involved with MM and not single men (whom they can see coming from a mile away) while MM tend to get single women.

 

i see this in real life, too.

 

usually... when MW cheat, they cheat with a man who is already married or attached. MM usually cheat with single women.

Posted
Interesting. Really, you would think that an MM who has no intention of divorcing would engage in an affair with a married woman rather than a single woman. Seems like it would be both safer and drama free....

 

In reality MW are safer. No matter what people think the truth is married people simply don't leave their spouses to be with the AP. Women do it more often then men but both are really low percentages.

 

Also MW simply don't cheat often, and when they do its a lot more work for MM who is looking only to have NSA thrills, be it non sexual ego stroking or some quick down south stroking.

 

Single men are simply not available for Affairs, its far too complicated for him unless it falls in his lap. Then its usually over quickly.

 

SW fall for older MM who usually offers something that she wants out of life, rarely its about money. Often its because he is stable, and great father in her eyes of gives the appearance of knowing how to take care of a woman, even if he is cheating on the one he married.

 

Logic goes out the door and the oxymorons take over.

  • Like 2
Posted
i see this in real life, too.

 

usually... when MW cheat, they cheat with a man who is already married or attached. MM usually cheat with single women.

 

 

Do you think it is attraction for single women or the fact they may mental image the woman's husband showing up with a 12 gauge at their door if the affair is exposed or if he takes a chance on her and she said NO and told hubby?

:D

Posted
I was also a demanding OW. I was not kidding around and if we were going to put ourselves in this situation it had better be for a damn good reason.

 

And I guess that is why you were successful and have now married him.

Of course he may also have been looking for a strong woman to guide him away from his marriage and his wife, someone to support him and someone to lean on, an exit affair partner.

 

As opposed to other MM who are often looking for a weaker woman, a woman who will allow him to cake eat, demand little and he can then stay married.

  • Like 6
Posted (edited)
Interesting. Really, you would think that an MM who has no intention of divorcing would engage in an affair with a married woman rather than a single woman. Seems like it would be both safer and drama free....

 

I've mentioned that my WW's OM was a serial cheater.

 

He was a BH in his first marriage - maybe that damaged him.. I dunno. Anyway he had a rep as a "player" at work and had several affairs. He took up with the admin of his work group who was married. Her husband found out and kicked him out, and she showed up on his doorstep that night. They ended getting married.

 

When his wife got pregnant she quit her job to raise their child. My wife took her old position.

 

Looking at it, it seems to me OM was a predator in that he went after married women because they were safer than single ones. He was practiced at knowing what to say and do to get his way.

 

He started by befriending my wife at work. He had a fun personality and was always smiling and joking. Eventually they started having coffee & lunch at the company cafeteria. Eventually he got my WW talking about "problems" in our marriage - and offered "advice".

 

Our problems were nothing great or horrible. I had a demanding job - silicon valley start ups - I would often work late during the week, but was always home on the weekend. We had date nights regularly and went on very nice vacations to Europe every year or so. So yeah, it wasn't perfect but it wasn't that bad either. In short it was a normal marriage.

 

But OM knew how to pry the door open, and say things to make my WW believe our marriage was worse than it was. He was always there at work with her offering his advice, and shading what I was doing in a negative light. For example he suggested that my late nights at work meant I was having an affair. Obviously I wasn't. When my WW asked me about this I had her come into work and showed her the sign in/out sheets so she could see I was there.

 

So their relationship became a EA. They started going out to lunch together, then spending the afternoons together. They went to company parties together, and I was told that spouses were not allowed to attend these parties.

 

Eventually their EA turned into a PA, and went on for several years that way. I lied to myself a lot when trying to excuse my WW's behavior (something that I don't forgive myself for). But in time I started investigating hoping I wouldn't find what I eventually did.

 

WW punted OM to the curb before Dday - and Dday was her confessing her affair to me over email.

 

The company where OM and WW worked downsized and OM is now a realtor.. seems like a great way to meet married women.

Edited by nightmare01
Posted

I do think single men can prey on MW, and MW can be on the look out for single men too.

I think it is probably more common than many would like to think.

So many "unhappy" wives around.

Posted
I do think single men can prey on MW, and MW can be on the look out for single men too.

I think it is probably more common than many would like to think.

So many "unhappy" wives around.

 

Unhappy husbands and wives. It's ironic how "unhappy" they suddenly become when someone new shows up and flatters them.

  • Like 5
Posted
Unhappy husbands and wives. It's ironic how "unhappy" they suddenly become when someone new shows up and flatters them.

 

Flattery is a very powerful tool.

  • Like 1
Posted
Flattery is a very powerful tool.

 

Indeed. And I do believe there are a good amount of MM, just like nightmare described that know EXACTLY (from practice) how to talk to a woman.

  • Like 1
Posted
And I guess that is why you were successful and have now married him.

Of course he may also have been looking for a strong woman to guide him away from his marriage and his wife, someone to support him and someone to lean on, an exit affair partner.

 

As opposed to other MM who are often looking for a weaker woman, a woman who will allow him to cake eat, demand little and he can then stay married.

 

LOL the bolded was definitely not part of the equation with us. While I am definitely a strong woman, my husband does not take guidance well. I neither supported him nor was a leaning post for him while he was divorcing. I stayed out of it and away from it. In no way did I want to "taint" myself with his divorce.

Posted
I think there are all sorts of OW.

 

I was a very demanding mistress and expected first place. My husbands says he finds me to be much more agreeable as his wife than I ever was as his mistress.

 

Still, I do agree that there are many OW who seem willing to be in second place. I have never understood that myself. To say they are damaged though, might be a tad overstated.....

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh: I have been told the same thing. :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

I didn't fight for him. We had a clearly laid out expectations of what the affair was to entail at the beginning and the timeline in which was reasonable. I had said if there was even one iota of love, connection, etc. still with his wife then he needs to fight for that. When the time came and a dday followed shortly after, I walked. If he caught up separated, then we could talk but there was no me waiting patiently in the wings. I was in the affair for him, he was the exception to the rule. But I was not going to wait for too long and wasn't going to make it easy. And I didn't.

 

My nickname is, and has been, "his fiery little habanero".

  • Like 1
Posted
Seems to me that most OWs are pretty submissive/vulnerable/naive/damaged kind of people, most likely chosen to be that way by MM, and many dominant/strong/experienced/healthy women are not going to stand for being second best, so do not want to be the OW anyway.

Even if it was possible to recruit Miss Dominant, what MM wants a fiesty woman outwith his control wrecking his marriage?

 

I guess that is why few OWs will stand and fight.

 

Blocks. If never fight for my AP because he ain't worth fighting for. I would never hook my star to a proven cheater. I saw what he can to do his wife.

 

Perhaps the fact that I'm married too changes that dynamic, but I'd hardly say I'm weak or naive

Posted
Unhappy husbands and wives. It's ironic how "unhappy" they suddenly become when someone new shows up and flatters them.

 

I think it is highly underestimated how many wives cheat and how often they get away with it. I think when women do it, and want to get away with it, they are far more successful than men are.

  • Like 6
Posted
Odd thing, here on LS most MW get involved with MM and not single men (whom they can see coming from a mile away) while MM tend to get single women.

 

This plays a role in fighting for the WS. So often women tend to see the MM as a prize worth fighting for while MM tend to shy away from complications.

 

It is a huge difference along gender lines because MM tend not to put their wives on the backburner and make the MW/OW the center of his world. While women convince themselves that the AP is Mr Perfect and gets them like no one ever has. Why else would they risk so much to be with him.

 

In short women tend to be far more emotionally vested in their AP, and more likely to act on pure emotions.

Not always. But I see why you have this perspective

Posted
A few recent threads have had me wondering about this lately.

 

I have frequently advocated BSs to challenge and expose AP s because from what I have seen and experienced is that when BSs confront APs, 9 times out of 10 the AP scurries away like a cockroach in the light.

 

This has been my observation and experience primarily with OM. I'm not so sure about OW. My observation and experience with OM is they are usually just after some easy no-strings poontang and will scatter at the first hint of drama, work or a potential fight 90% of the time.

 

But what about that other 10%????

 

What happens when the AP actually wants the WS and is will to stand up and fight and is willing to take the WS fulltime if the WS separates from the BS?

 

My observations and experience is a little different on this one.

 

At least in the case of WWs and OM, I've often the OM ride off with her in the end?

 

And again, I'm not so sure about MM and OW.

 

So what are your thoughts, observations and experiences? When DDay comes and the AP stands up and makes a legitimate offer and is willing to stand and fight, who does the WS typically choose?

 

And are there gender lines to this question??? Are WWs more willing to go with an OM that is willing to stand and fight, than a MM is when an OW is willing to stand up and bear the claws??

 

We are so used to AP s slinking in to the shadows on discovery here, what happens when they dig in and are willing to go toe to toe?

 

I am also a fOW now M to my fMM. I was never going to "scurry away like a cockroach". I never saw the need to hide the R, and I was certainty not going to act as though I was ashamed of it. And, if he wanted to be with me in any capacity, neither was he! I was never cut out to be a "dirty little secret" or one of those "submissive/damaged/naive/undemanding" types that are often portrayed here.

 

Did I "fight for" my lover? Nope, that was his job. If he wanted to be with me, he had to fight for the R and going head to head with the fBW was his problem, not mine.

 

When we were living together and she could no longer deny that he had left, she did try to "put up a fight". She was wasting her time. Not only was it too little, too late, by then he knew what the alternative was, and no way was he ever going back to *that*.

Posted

For me, there is no fight. I don't want anyone that doesn't want me. I wouldn't fight anyone for a man.

  • Like 5
Posted

 

It is a huge difference along gender lines because MM tend not to put their wives on the backburner and make the MW/OW the center of his world. While women convince themselves that the AP is Mr Perfect and gets them like no one ever has. Why else would they risk so much to be with him.

 

 

Perhaps in your experience. I've never been a WW so can't comment on that side of it, by my fMM certainly put his xBW "on the backburner" and made me "the centre of his world". I would never have put up with less.

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