feelingtorn Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 So we met about two months ago. We started very slow. I can def. see this slow progression. Meeting once a week to twice a week. Texting me once a week to daily now. I also know both of us have taken down our online profile. We got physically intimate after our sixth date. He is very mature/successful,smart and a devoted dad. I am very smitten by him and am curious when he would say the L word. He divorced last winter. I am the first woman after divorce. I know he went out with few other women, but told me he did not feel any connection. He is very careful with words. He has never said, 'I miss you', 'I cannot wait to see you', or 'cannot stop thinking about you.' All the younger boys I went out with said all those nonstop pretty quickly. For someone who is extremely slow (held my hands after the sixth date) and careful with words, how much time would it be needed before the L word? Like 5 months or 6 months?
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 So we met about two months ago. We started very slow. I can def. see this slow progression. Meeting once a week to twice a week. Texting me once a week to daily now. I also know both of us have taken down our online profile. We got physically intimate after our sixth date. He is very mature/successful,smart and a devoted dad. I am very smitten by him and am curious when he would say the L word. He divorced last winter. I am the first woman after divorce. I know he went out with few other women, but told me he did not feel any connection. He is very careful with words. He has never said, 'I miss you', 'I cannot wait to see you', or 'cannot stop thinking about you.' All the younger boys I went out with said all those nonstop pretty quickly. For someone who is extremely slow (held my hands after the sixth date) and careful with words, how much time would it be needed before the L word? Like 5 months or 6 months? Some men may take up to a year to SAY it. Does not mean they don't FEEL it before then, only that often times it's difficult (for some men AND women) to say it. Personally, I am one of those women. Instead of worrying about when he will SAY it, focus on his actions....and how he treats you. And how you feel about him. Words are meaningless anyway, unless backed up by actions.....so try to stop worrying about it and enjoy the relationship and let things happen naturally and organically. Lower expectations..... manage emotions and don't push it. G'luck. 3
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I feel like I have to tell you this (again!). Stop trying to push things from one stage to the next to the next. Or worry about it. It's been two months! Where you don't even see each other that often. Do you know if you love him already? Or are you just looking for assurances that he's invested and not planning to run away? There are things to enjoy at EVERY stage. I suggest you do it. That will help you strengthen your bond anyway. Just relax.
Author feelingtorn Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I feel like I have to tell you this (again!). Stop trying to push things from one stage to the next to the next. Or worry about it. It's been two months! Where you don't even see each other that often. Do you know if you love him already? Or are you just looking for assurances that he's invested and not planning to run away? There are things to enjoy at EVERY stage. I suggest you do it. That will help you strengthen your bond anyway. Just relax. Ha, you are absolutely right. No, I am not in love with him yet. I guess it partially has to do with my past relationship history. I just don't know if I can handle another breakup. I would rather end it now before it gets too serious if it is heading towards that direction. I know....it is not a good attitude. And, it has also to do with my type A personality. Always planning ahead. Ok, I will chill out and enjoy the ride. 1
preraph Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Well, if he says the L word after only 2 months, when he doesn't even really know you, that wouldn't be a good thing. Some guys don't ever say it, some say it when they're ready to make a commitment, some guys say it to every girl they're with either to get in their pants or during sex when what they really mean is "I love IT." So stop placing so much importance on this word. Pay attention to his actions. If he's loving and protective and at some point says he wants to be exclusive and then start helping provide for you and if he always tries to make you feel good instead of criticizing or trying to bring you down a notch, if he respects you and doesn't try to keep you under his control or place his own needs before considering yours, that's love, whether he says it or not.
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Ha, you are absolutely right. No, I am not in love with him yet. I guess it partially has to do with my past relationship history. I just don't know if I can handle another breakup. I would rather end it now before it gets too serious if it is heading towards that direction. I know....it is not a good attitude. And, it has also to do with my type A personality. Always planning ahead. Ok, I will chill out and enjoy the ride. Well dating and even love, it's all a risk. Unfortunately you can't plan or control your way through it. Control the only thing you can: How you act and gather your input about how he treats you and how it makes you feel and act in accordance. Even if there is an average (for example, people usually say ILY by month 4, which isn't true, i'm just making that up for an example), then it would just be something else for you to stress over if he was in line with norm and how much it means he likes you or not OR "will you ever get engaged" (that's a little pun, read the forum if you want info on that one). If you, yourself, are headed to love, you need to take his situation into account within reason. He's been going slow. He's super busy. If you don't see each other as much, it's likely that it might not progress as fast. Not a bad thing, just a logistic. Enjoy the ride and maybe use the time before you are all loved up to examine what are some reasonable expectations you would put in place as far as timeframes and examine why and those would apply for you in any relationship. When time is appropriate and it's normal, have a talk with him about where you see "your" life going. Keep in mind, only come up with these time frames if you are dead set on walking if you don't get what you need from the other person. These are "needs". If you really frame it like that in your head, you can see how silly it is sometimes to push someone. And measure up your "need" list with if he is being unreasonable or not. It's been two months. So none of this applies yet IMO. I would just relax and enjoy it and not even come up with these time frames but that's me. Figuring out your own personal goals clearly, so when the time comes up to talk about them, you will be ready and reasonable might help you alleviate some of your type A stuff. Good luck
Author feelingtorn Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I also have this issue below: But, I am fully aware of my problem now. And, trying to have it under control. How does an ambivalent/anxious attachment manifest in adulthood? Children who have an ambivalent/anxious attachment often grow up to have preoccupied attachment patterns. As adults, they are self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. This drives them to act clingy and overly dependent with their partner. These people’s lives are not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves and emotionally desperate in their relationships. Adults with preoccupied attachment patterns are usually self-critical, insecure and desperate, often assuming the role of the “pursuer” in a relationship. They possess positive views of other people, especially their parents and their partner, and generally have a negative view of themselves. They rely heavily on their partner to validate their self-worth. Because they grew up distrustful of their inconsistent, unavailable caregivers, they are “rejection-sensitive.” They anticipate rejection or abandonment and look for signs that their partner is losing interest. These people are often driven to engage in pre-emptive strategies in an attempt to avoid being rejected. However, their excessive dependency, demands and possessiveness tend to backfire and precipitate the very abandonment that they fear. Attachment theorists and researchers Shaver and Clark, (1994), have observed that “preoccupied” partners appear to be “perpetually vigilant and somewhat histrionic.” They feel resentful and angry when their partner doesn’t provide the attention and reassurance they feel they need. They often believe that unless they dramatically express their anxiety and anger, it is unlikely that the other person will respond to them. Many of those with preoccupied attachments are reluctant to express their angry feelings toward a partner for fear of potential loss or rejection. When they try to suppress their anger, their behavior tends to vacillate between outbursts of anger and pleas for forgiveness and support. In some cases, the fears and anxieties can lead to more serious emotional disturbances, such as depression.
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 yeah, i'm not a psychology professional, but see shades of what you are describing manifest itself in the content of your posts. You can't out-strategize the risks involved. Find ways to work on this privately rather than through your partner so you don't lean heavily or sabatogue things with him. The beginning is supposed to be great fun. Don't let your anxieties creep into the relationship and find ways to manage your emotions and live a full life so you are busier than putting everything on him and this relationship.
Author feelingtorn Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 yeah, i'm not a psychology professional, but see shades of what you are describing manifest itself in the content of your posts. You can't out-strategize the risks involved. Find ways to work on this privately rather than through your partner so you don't lean heavily or sabatogue things with him. The beginning is supposed to be great fun. Don't let your anxieties creep into the relationship and find ways to manage your emotions and live a full life so you are busier than putting everything on him and this relationship. For some weird reason, I always dated men who were emotionally distant or had insecurity or depression. Not a good match. For the first time in my life, I am dating a very stable, mature man. So, maybe, I should notice the difference in comparison to my past relationships and be more confident about it.
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Yes be confident about it, not only because of the person you are dating now, but because it's the only part you can control. You can't control how the other person is going to be in the relationship or if they will continue it. You just have to be the best "you" you can be and roll the dice. A confident "you" is the best thing to present to the other person and in presenting our best sides (most of the time!) is the best chance you have to get the relationship you want with the one you want it with. But it's still all a risk. Just get comfortable with that and do your best. Knowing you believe in yourself, will give you the confidence that if it doesn't work out with him, YOU can move onto a another good relationship. Actually that seems to be one of the the best vibes you can give out also to get the other person interested.
losangelena Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My BF finally said ILY the other week. After 10 months of dating. Don't worry, if he feels it, he'll eventually say it.
mortensorchid Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I have some news for you on this which you may or may not want to hear, but, unfortunately, facts are facts here. ILY could come within the first six weeks, but if it hasn't come within the first six months, it won't come at all. Why? Because he doesn't love you. Whether it comes from the man's or the woman's saying it first, it won't happen. I don't care about what the situation is or isn't between two people, if it's been six months and no ILY, ain't gonna happen. I have learned a lot with and about people in my lifetime. We all think that we are unique or that we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, but we really are not. And, this, unfortunately, is one of them. I would reconsider this situation if love is what you are looking for.
No_Go Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I sort of disagree: people sometimes THINK/FEEL ILY, but do not SAY ILY. See the post above for example. For me ILY has always been a struggle to say, even when I truly fully feel it... Call it inability to share feelings I'm sure there are many loving people in couples who have the same "inhibition". But I agree - if no love is there in 6 months, it will never be. It doesn't always need to be verbalized though IMO. I have some news for you on this which you may or may not want to hear, but, unfortunately, facts are facts here. ILY could come within the first six weeks, but if it hasn't come within the first six months, it won't come at all. Why? Because he doesn't love you. Whether it comes from the man's or the woman's saying it first, it won't happen. I don't care about what the situation is or isn't between two people, if it's been six months and no ILY, ain't gonna happen. I have learned a lot with and about people in my lifetime. We all think that we are unique or that we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, but we really are not. And, this, unfortunately, is one of them. I would reconsider this situation if love is what you are looking for.
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My BF finally said ILY the other week. After 10 months of dating. Don't worry, if he feels it, he'll eventually say it. Wow, not to sidetrack too much but congratulations! I guess things are going very well
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) I have some news for you on this which you may or may not want to hear, but, unfortunately, facts are facts here. ILY could come within the first six weeks, but if it hasn't come within the first six months, it won't come at all. Why? Because he doesn't love you. Whether it comes from the man's or the woman's saying it first, it won't happen. I don't care about what the situation is or isn't between two people, if it's been six months and no ILY, ain't gonna happen. I have learned a lot with and about people in my lifetime. We all think that we are unique or that we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, but we really are not. And, this, unfortunately, is one of them. I would reconsider this situation if love is what you are looking for. So how do you explain losangelina's boyfriend saying ILY after ten months? Are you suggesting that her boyfriend does not really love her since he waited ten months to say it? See post no. 12. My boyfriend also waited until around seven months, even though his actions totally demonstrated his love for me WAY before that - frankly I did NOT need to hear the ILY -- but he did say it after seven months, and it brought tears to my eyes..... Still together five years later.... Appreciate the news though. Unfortunately however, as with most information one gets from the "news," it's incorrect. Edited July 17, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My BF finally said ILY the other week. After 10 months of dating. Don't worry, if he feels it, he'll eventually say it. Congrats LA!! I am happy to hear things are moving right along....
fitnessfan365 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 There really isn't a set schedule. It's based on the individual. But here's some advice. Don't get so hung up on hearing the words that you ignore him showing how he feels with his actions. I find that some women are so obsessed with hearing the "L word" that they tend to overlook how the guy is showing how he feels with the things that he does. I mean would you rather have a guy that says "I love you' repeatedly but treats you like crap. Or a guy that may take two years to say it, but shows that he cares about you?
Leigh 87 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 So how do you explain losangelina's boyfriend saying ILY after ten months? Are you suggesting that her boyfriend does not really love her since he waited ten months to say it? See post no. 12. My boyfriend also waited until around seven months, even though his actions totally demonstrated his love for me WAY before that - frankly I did NOT need to hear the ILY -- but he did say it after seven months, and it brought tears to my eyes..... Still together five years later.... Appreciate the news though. Unfortunately however, as with most information one gets from the "news," it's incorrect. There is a difference between falling hard and fast and " head over heels " versus not being that into a girl it falling very slowly. Personally, I don't date men who developed feelings very slowly. It means they are NOTinfatuated with you. You're not on their mind a lot. They just slowly grow into love. The same man who took 10 months to say he loves you, would fall a lot harder for a different girl. The right girl. I observed a LOT of relationships! The most passionate ones are ones where BOTH parties fell hard and fast. They said ILY you 3 months tops. The men who stray and are the most dissatisfied are always the ones who said ILY AFTER 4 months and who skipped the infatuation part a day slowly just grew to feel warm and fuzzy .
katiegrl Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) There is a difference between falling hard and fast and " head over heels " versus not being that into a girl it falling very slowly. Personally, I don't date men who developed feelings very slowly. It means they are NOTinfatuated with you. You're not on their mind a lot. They just slowly grow into love. The same man who took 10 months to say he loves you, would fall a lot harder for a different girl. The right girl. I observed a LOT of relationships! The most passionate ones are ones where BOTH parties fell hard and fast. They said ILY you 3 months tops. The men who stray and are the most dissatisfied are always the ones who said ILY AFTER 4 months and who skipped the infatuation part a day slowly just grew to feel warm and fuzzy . Leigh, read my post again. My first one - post no. 3. Just because a man does not SAY it, does not mean he does not FEEL it. My boyfriend fell in love, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, with me practically at first sight for cryin out loud....as I did him. His ACTIONS proved that time and time again, I NEVER questioned. He just did not say the actual words until many months later, which was fine, I did NOT need him to. I already knew how much he loved me. Speaking from personal experience, I have known guys who throw the "I love you" around like they do "good morning." The words mean jack shyt in my book --- it's his ACTIONS. It was awesome when he said it, and I said it back. I cried. And frankly I am GLAD he waited. It meant he takes those words very seriously and doesn't toss them around like a Caesar salad. Edited July 18, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Do you want a guy who has to warm up to you vvvvery slowly ? Does it bother you that ALL men who fall in love SLOWly, are very capable of falling faster ? I choose to be single at nearly 30 because I prefer men I fall fast for due the right Chemistry. I could have been married by now. Plenty of nice guys have liked me and wanted to date me eexcept these are the types of men who don't naturally garner stronge emotions from me I would definitely have grown to love them ! But not in the same crazy and lust filled manner that I fall for the men I am totally into ! Feeling that way with a man who feels the same is akin to a lotto win. So I accept that I am happier single then I ever will be in a relationship. A relationship that would be slow building with one or both partners not having crazy passion or falling head over heels! It is also a real hit to the ego to know that some girls cause their men to fall all gaga over then a day yet YOUR man is just " Yeh she's cool, top girl lovely person but I am nnot like....SMITTEN .... I don't think about her all the time or miss her dearly or feel giddy with excitement over her !" Then that same guy meets a girl he DOES fall hard for. And it's the difference between night and day. Crickets are chirping. There are rainbows. Time stands still when they are together. He is feeling strongly about her early on. I have dated men who grew slowly into love and also men who fell fast for me. I have also dated men who I developed slow feelings for versus men who I was giddy with excitement for. I know which one I prefer..... oh that's right. I prefer being single. Because usually, only a slow burn where one or botb partners are practically apathetic, is the best most of us can call I know know
Versacehottie Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 so yeah OP, it varies quite a bit as you can see. And some people rely on false generalizations that wouldn't apply in their own personal situation anyway. The personal situations are what you want to assess. When you are more confident in yourself, including your ability to process your S.O. actions etc and know you have the good judgement to walk away if need be, assess and communicate effectively, you usually have a good sense of whether a person loves you or not there or will not meet your needs. Some guys are slower to feel it or say it but it's almost their own actions that inform THEM that they've fallen in love with you. Like katie said with regard to her bf, they were together seriously from the beginning but he didn't say it until 7 months; I typically find people who don't toss it out right at beginning mean it more genuinely anyway. But that in itself is a generalization---so I won't go there
Leigh 87 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Leigh, read my post again. My first one - post no. 3. Just because a man does not SAY it, does not mean he does not FEEL it. My boyfriend fell in love, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, with me practically at first sight for cryin out loud....as I did him. His ACTIONS proved that time and time again, I NEVER questioned. He just did not say the actual words until many months later, which was fine, I did NOT need him to. I already knew how much he loved me. Speaking from personal experience, I have known guys who throw the "I love you" around like they do "good morning." The words mean jack shyt in my book --- it's his ACTIONS. It was awesome when he said it, and I said it back. I cried. And frankly I am GLAD he waited. It meant he takes those words very seriously and doesn't toss them around like a Caesar salad. Oh your case is just beautiful. I would have cried too. Your boyfriend and yourself have exactly what I dream of. Yet know I'll likely never experience. You just didn't SAY how you felt until later !! That is entirely DIFFERENT to the slow but love that I speak of...where the feelings genuinely grow at a snails pace ! 1
katiegrl Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) Oh your case is just beautiful. I would have cried too. Your boyfriend and yourself have exactly what I dream of. Yet know I'll likely never experience. You just didn't SAY how you felt until later !! That is entirely DIFFERENT to the slow but love that I speak of...where the feelings genuinely grow at a snails pace ! Thanks Leigh! But don't be too envious just yet hon. We DO have our issues.... I just don't post about them here...cause I like to keep my personal life private, tis all. But we always work everything out....and there is A LOT of love there, and we have always had awesome chemistry....which sort of bonds us together. Whenever we have an issue....we always try to get back to that place in the beginning when we fell SO hard for each other. I agree with you, I think every couple NEEDS that (the infatuation period, that HIGH so to speak). You call it the honeymoon period. It's sort of like a reference point to go back to whenever things get a bit rocky down the road....as they tend to do in all long term relationships. Peaks and valleys. JMO... every couple will feel differently about this and may be just as happy in the long run as the couple who experienced that high -- the honeymoon period. Edited July 18, 2015 by katiegrl
Leigh 87 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Thanks Leigh! But don't be too envious just yet hon. We DO have our issues.... I just don't post about them here...cause I like to keep my personal life private, tis all. But we always work everything out....and there is A LOT of love there, and we have always had awesome chemistry....which sort of bonds us together. Whenever we have an issue....we always try to get back to that place in the beginning when we fell SO hard for each other. I agree with you, I think every couple NEEDS that (the infatuation period, that HIGH so to speak). You call it the honeymoon period. It's sort of like a reference point to go back to whenever things get a bit rocky down the road....as they tend to do in all long term relationships. Peaks and valleys. JMO... every couple will feel differently about this and may be just as happy in the long run as the couple who experienced that high -- the honeymoon period. Not everyone needs to fall SO hard for each other. I personally need that heavy infatuation period.
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