rov Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Can casual dating relationships cause hurt feelings? This is my story: I met this girl 4 months ago through Facebook, she had broken up 5 months ago from an abusive relationship with a guy who treated her badly, they lasted almost 4 years. She is a doctor, at the time I met her and she was in an internship in France at that time, she had just one month left to return to our country when we started talking, she told me that we could use that month before returning to Mexico to know each other well and then we could meet in person, we talked almost daily, and she contacted me very often. Then she returned and we went on a date and from there we stopped talking and chatting that much till her ex wanted to see her and said nasty things to her and made her feel bad, she contacted me after this and said that I was such a cool and great guy and told me that if we could see each other again and from there we started seeing each other often for about two months. The last time I saw her was 3 weeks ago and I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she wasn't ready, because she was hurt from her previous relationship and it was too fast for her to enter a new relationship and also that she has very little time because of her med school. So she said that we could date "casually", more or less like friends with benefits till december when she finishes school and then we would become a couple, I agreed. She started kissing me a lot when she told me this. After this things were perfect the next week, she texted me a lot and called me but a week later things changed, she called me, cried and got mad because i didn't called her often, and said that I DONT PURSUE HER ENOUGH since that day she started acting distant and cold. She acted weird the next 7 days, didn't called me, only contacted me one time and then 4 days ago I asked her why she is cold and distant with me and tells me that it is because she wants to be alone, and said that I am pursuing a relationship and that she is not and I told her that why she changed her mind if we talked about this before and we had agreed to take things slow. She blamed me that I was contacting her often and it was smothering her I told her that I didn't understood her because a few days ago she blamed me because I contacted her not much and she even cried because of this. So why she first blames me that I do not contact her often and then she blames me that i contact her often. So she told me she didn't know why she reacted that way the day she cried and got mad because I didn't call that much, she told me that sometimes she doesn't even understand herself and that I should forget about that discussion. I am now doing No contact with her but I am hurt. She told me she is an emotional roller coaster and people gets tired with her attitude, she said that she is crazy and sometimes she doesn't even know why she acts in a certain way. She also told me that she is hurt from her past relationship, because it was abussive. Why could it be that at first she said that she liked me, that felt a deep connection with me, she told me to never let her go, and told me that she was excited to experiment new things with me, that she liked me a lot. Then after the discussion where she cried and told me that she was sad and pissed because I didn't call her that much, after this discussion I texted her and she started acting weird and distant till she told me she wants to be alone. I don't know if I pushed her away the day I told her to be my girlfriend and she got scared, but the rare thing is that she told me to take things slow and keep dating till december, sounds like she wanted a friends with benefits relationship. But then she changed her mind. My question is: Was she using me as a band aid to heal her previous relationship?. Is she emotionally wrecked?.Maybe she wasn't ready to date. In the case that we kept dating casually I think i could even get more hurt. What do you think? Edited July 17, 2015 by rov
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I think she doesn't know her own mind. Accordingly it's impossible for you to tell what she wants & even more impossible for me to figure it out.
casey.lives Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 yes. people date with the intent to find love. i don't casual nothing.
BriNyc82 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It doesn't sound like she knows what she wants. And by the sound of it, you do. When people say the want to causally date it's like this shield they use so they "can't get hurt". But feelings are feelings regardless of titles. It doesn't sound like you want something casual. You want commitment and you deserve it. Either way regardless of you it doesn't seem like she has completely healed from her past. Until she does the work to put it behind her it will always be a thorn in her side. And yours. It will exhaust you and make you doubt yourself. You deserve everything you want.
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Can casual dating relationships cause hurt feelings? Casual dating will not produce hurt feelings, as long as everybody agrees to keep it casual. This is my story: I met this girl 4 months ago ...she said that we could date "casually", more or less like friends with benefits till december when she finishes school and then we would become a couple, I agreed....What do you think?I think that this is not casual. at first she said that she liked me, that felt a deep connection with me, she told me to never let her goNeither is this. Edited July 17, 2015 by mightycpa
Author rov Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Casual dating will not produce hurt feelings, as long as everybody agrees to keep it casual. I think that this is not casual. Neither is this. If it is not casual, what did she meant?
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 If it is not casual, what did she meant?Who knows? But the part where you plan to be a couple in December? That's intent... that implies that you're more than just some name on the dance card. "Casual" implies that it doesn't mean anything... no promises, no demands. Like casual sex (sport ****ing) or casual wear (clothes for fun) or a casual remark (a throwaway line). Casual dating therefore means that there is no emotional investment. Thus, feelings cannot be hurt, because none exist. Not everybody can do that.
coryreply Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It sounds like she's conflicted. She wants the security of knowing you're there without the commitment on her part. She probably feels bad, like she's taking advantage of you. Any time I've been involved in a situation where there was a future date set for us to "be a couple," it has not worked out. If she really wanted to be in a relationship with you, she wouldn't be stalling. Either she's hurt and legitimately not ready, or she's not that into you. Into you enough to hang out, but not enough to give you a commitment. How much do you like her? Is she worth pursuing patiently?
Author rov Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 It sounds like she's conflicted. She wants the security of knowing you're there without the commitment on her part. She probably feels bad, like she's taking advantage of you. Any time I've been involved in a situation where there was a future date set for us to "be a couple," it has not worked out. If she really wanted to be in a relationship with you, she wouldn't be stalling. Either she's hurt and legitimately not ready, or she's not that into you. Into you enough to hang out, but not enough to give you a commitment. How much do you like her? Is she worth pursuing patiently? So you thinks she just used me as a security blanket?. The thing is because she told me she wants to be alone so now I cant do anything. I am in no contact mode now
Author rov Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Who knows? But the part where you plan to be a couple in December? That's intent... that implies that you're more than just some name on the dance card. "Casual" implies that it doesn't mean anything... no promises, no demands. Like casual sex (sport ****ing) or casual wear (clothes for fun) or a casual remark (a throwaway line). Casual dating therefore means that there is no emotional investment. Thus, feelings cannot be hurt, because none exist. Not everybody can do that. So you mean she used was trying yo use me. What do you mean that I was more than a dance card for her?
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 So you mean she used was trying yo use me. What do you mean that I was more than a dance card for her?No, what I mean is that you were just an entry on the dance card, but for you, she was an object of much affection. She didn't want that from you. The bottom line is that she doesn't like you nearly as much as you like her, and you will never be able to make her feel that way about you. So your best bet is to leave her behind, and date other girls, and see if you can find one where you both like each other.
Author rov Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 She sent me on tuesday a message in Facebook thanking me for all the moments we had and saying I was a great guy etc. I didn't replied and then at the next day she sends me a message on whatsapp saying: do you hate me?. I replied that i don't hate her and that I didn't replied because I was busy with my guitar concert and she said good luck and I told her to have a good day. That was on Wednesday, why did she asked if I hate her?
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 why did she asked if I hate her? Because you didn't reply right away. She was concerned that you held a grudge. No-one likes to think anyone hates them.
mightycpa Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 so this was just an ego thing?yeah. she didn't want to be a bad guy. maybe was afraid you'd talk smack about her to your friends.
Author rov Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 On Friday she sent me two pictures of her eye with makeup, she was going to a graduation. She texted: here is a pic of me with makeup, I promised you one a long time ago. And I just kept the conversation short and wished her luck in the graduation. Then yesterday she texted me again saying: Hey, you changed your whatsapp profile pic, thumbs up for that and then I asked her how she was and asked if she had a good time at the graduation and she answered short responses like: Yeah I had a good time and I asked what she was going to do in the night and she told me she was going to see some of her friends and at the end I told her that why she never sent me a complete pic of her with makeup and she never answered that one. Why does she started to text me again even though on tuesday she sent me a text saying goodbye?
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