minimariah Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 how do you know your partner was and is THE ONE? you know, the one you'll love the most, the one love of your life... that one LOVE that every other love fades when compared to. everybody says you'll know when you know, LOL. but how? what was the moment when you realized and knew that your partner was the one for you, what was the moment when you knew that you'll last... (IF there was a moment like that)? can you ever really know or is it just a matter of luck... wild life gambling?
central Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It's always a matter of luck. Many people have found "the one" (yeah, no such thing, really!), only to divorce them a few years later. You learn about yourself, potential mates, and relationships by dating and having relationships. Some people learn a lot better than others, and they tend to have a better basis for making good choices. Too many people focus on the feelings of love (or infatuation), and too little on compatibility, personality, and behavioral issues. Most problems and incompatibilities are discovered within three years of dating and/or living together. Whether you actually take note of them and ask yourself if they are manageable and acceptable, is a separate issue. But, time usually makes it clear if a choice is a good one. The downside is that it takes time! 3
casey.lives Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 if they try and make you happy... and you try and make them happy. 2
Toodaloo Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 You dont. There is no such thing as "the one". If there were then widows would never remarry and a lot of people would go lonely if there were only one on a planet containing billions... What you do is you work at it. You care enough about that person to ensure that they feel loved, wanted and cared for. Its trial and error. Its finding a person who is as committed to you as you are to them and who will put the effort in as much as you do. 9
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 There are zero guarantees in life and that includes finding "the one". If you doubt that, just peruse the other threads on this site of men and women telling their stories of heartbreak at the hands of partners they were convinced were their soulmates. That's life. 5
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My mother swore to me I would just know. When I met one of my EXs I was blown away. When he touched me for the 1st time just to shake my hand I felt an electric jolt go up my arm. I was like Wow! I just met my husband. I put up with a ton of garbage for over a decade because I thought he was the One. What a crock. When I met my husband & thought he was gorgeous & we had great chemistry. But hormones do not a relationship make. Gradually I came to love, respect & trust the man -- the person he was inside more & more. I felt safe. As I have often said, he is the kind of man who is strong enough to let me be weak (which is very hard for me). Over time the bond has grown stronger & continues to grow each day. It's not the wow, shazam, OMG I can't live without them roller coaster. It's so much more. It's a quiet strength & peace. You feel secure. There is nothing you can do to make them go away (not counting cheating etc) but you also want to do anything for them & you are happy to do it. 14
central Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 if they try and make you happy... and you try and make them happy. This is a good indicator of real sincerity, but I think it has to persist beyond a couple of years to be sure it's not just a side-effect of the normal "falling in love" hormonal infatuation. My wife and I do all we can to make each other happy and fulfilled, and this has not changed in over 15 years. If it does, we'll know we have problems! 3
Toodaloo Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My mother swore to me I would just know. When I met one of my EXs I was blown away. When he touched me for the 1st time just to shake my hand I felt an electric jolt go up my arm. I was like Wow! I just met my husband. I put up with a ton of garbage for over a decade because I thought he was the One. What a crock. When I met my husband & thought he was gorgeous & we had great chemistry. But hormones do not a relationship make. Gradually I came to love, respect & trust the man -- the person he was inside more & more. I felt safe. As I have often said, he is the kind of man who is strong enough to let me be weak (which is very hard for me). Over time the bond has grown stronger & continues to grow each day. It's not the wow, shazam, OMG I can't live without them roller coaster. It's so much more. It's a quiet strength & peace. You feel secure. There is nothing you can do to make them go away (not counting cheating etc) but you also want to do anything for them & you are happy to do it. This this and more this. 2
CarrieT Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 how do you know your partner was and is THE ONE? I thought the man I married at the age of 20 was "the one." - but he ended up having secret gay affairs and I found him in a gay orgy on our living room floor when I came home early from work one day four years into our marriage. I thought the next guy was "the one." - but just short of my 30th birthday - after 2 1/2 years together - I realized he could never tell me he loved me and preferred wearing my underwear to his. The next guy was definitely "the one." - we lived together for almost 11 years and shortly after my 40th birthday, I was in a near-fatal car accident and it all hit home to me. I was in the hospital but he couldn't come help me because he *still* hadn't gotten his driver's license and the only employment he was qualified for was as a night stock-clerk at Target. Then I met "the one." - the ending of THAT relationship is what brought me to this site in 2008 as he was a toxic, alcoholic who had a string of relationships with prostitutes. 18 months ago - at the age of 49 - I got married for a second time. To me, I have finally found "the one" that I will share the rest of my life with. To summarize: Life is a series of experiences and learning experiences. Relationships can be like that as well. People are lucky if they find someone that can ride out all the ups and downs that life has to offer. But a short-term relationship does not need to be viewed as a failure. Just part of the threads of the tapestry of life. 8
Author minimariah Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 As I have often said, he is the kind of man who is strong enough to let me be weak (which is very hard for me). Over time the bond has grown stronger & continues to grow each day. you have no idea how happy this post has made me! thank you! There is no such thing as "the one". If there were then widows would never remarry and a lot of people would go lonely if there were only one on a planet containing billions... i agree with your opinion that there isn't the one. however... i think most have that one person they loved the most in their life. someone who left the mark & they never happened to find a love that was stronger than that. a lot of folks do end up alone, my grandma -- her husband had died at the age of 32 in war & she never ever remarried. she was also a poet and wrote a bunch of songs dedicated to him and his memory. she never got over him. my other aunt did remarry after her husband's death but she always said that she had never loved anyone as much as him. so i was just thinking about it. some folks don't ever fall in love, REALLY in love... that happens, too. It's always a matter of luck. Many people have found "the one" (yeah, no such thing, really!), only to divorce them a few years later. i agree. i think in most relationship... people were each other's "the one" until they weren't a couple of years later. I thought the man I married at the age of 20 was "the one." - but he ended up having secret gay affairs and I found him in a gay orgy on our living room floor when I came home early from work one day four years into our marriage. I thought the next guy was "the one." - but just short of my 30th birthday - after 2 1/2 years together - I realized he could never tell me he loved me and preferred wearing my underwear to his. The next guy was definitely "the one." - we lived together for almost 11 years and shortly after my 40th birthday, I was in a near-fatal car accident and it all hit home to me. I was in the hospital but he couldn't come help me because he *still* hadn't gotten his driver's license and the only employment he was qualified for was as a night stock-clerk at Target. Then I met "the one." - the ending of THAT relationship is what brought me to this site in 2008 as he was a toxic, alcoholic who had a string of relationships with prostitutes. 18 months ago - at the age of 49 - I got married for a second time. To me, I have finally found "the one" that I will share the rest of my life with. this was so wonderful to read, thank you!
Brigit_1 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It's not the wow, shazam, OMG I can't live without them roller coaster. It's so much more. It's a quiet strength & peace. You feel secure. There is nothing you can do to make them go away (not counting cheating etc) but you also want to do anything for them & you are happy to do it. I know what you mean. I picked a man that made me feel like he really cared and would be there for me when I wasn't doing well. I owe him so much. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 you have no idea how happy this post has made me! thank you! :love: You're welcome but now I'm curious. Why did my statement that DH was strong enough to let me be weak make you so happy? 1
DKT3 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I think for many of us it takes several "the ones" to really understand what we really want in a relationship. I personally don't believe there is only one person out there for us. I believe "THE ONE" is someone that matches what we want in life and is willing to do the work to maintain it. Its easy to think someone is the one at the start. Its when we show how human we are that you really know if who your with has the staying power. The one isn't someone you have great sex or conversations with, the one is someone that you want to work through the tough sh*t with, because there will be tough sh*t to work through. 4
jen1447 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 how do you know your partner was and is THE ONE? you know, the one you'll love the most, the one love of your life... that one LOVE that every other love fades when compared to. everybody says you'll know when you know, LOL. but how? what was the moment when you realized and knew that your partner was the one for you, what was the moment when you knew that you'll last... (IF there was a moment like that)? can you ever really know or is it just a matter of luck... wild life gambling? For my most recent, it was the moment I first laid eyes on her, tho I didn't actually realize it at the time. (She's not the only one in my case, and I don't think "the one" means guaranteed life partner anyway, but I suspect what you're getting at is moreso a person you feel like you intrinsically can't live w/out.) For me she was the final piece of the puzzle, and that's panned out blissfully so far. 3
AppleKakes Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 The one isn't someone you have great sex or conversations with, the one is someone that you want to work through the tough sh*t with, because there will be tough sh*t to work through. Well, I think that person must be the one you can have convos with, sex, and work through "life/sht" with. I mean, w/o sex and/or someone you can have a simple convo with - you pretty much have a roommate. I mean, with a roommate you sit down and budget - that does not make a husband/wife/lover. 1
writergal Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I think for many of us it takes several "the ones" to really understand what we really want in a relationship. QUOTE] This, this and more of this ^^ To use a baseball analogy, when you step up to the plate (relationship), you aim for a home-run (marriage) with the person you *think* is the one, but sometimes you walk (are single) and sometimes you strike out (your relationship or marriage ends). Do you quit the team after a strikeout or dry spell? Hell no. You keep stepping up to that damn plate until you hit a homerun that will be THE love of your life. 3
AppleKakes Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It's always a matter of luck. Many people have found "the one" (yeah, no such thing, really!), only to divorce them a few years later. You learn about yourself, potential mates, and relationships by dating and having relationships. Some people learn a lot better than others, and they tend to have a better basis for making good choices. Too many people focus on the feelings of love (or infatuation), and too little on compatibility, personality, and behavioral issues. Most problems and incompatibilities are discovered within three years of dating and/or living together. Whether you actually take note of them and ask yourself if they are manageable and acceptable, is a separate issue. But, time usually makes it clear if a choice is a good one. The downside is that it takes time! Perfect ^^... IMO, no such thing as "soulmates" and/or "the one"... The more you know about yourself and date, the better you are at choosing a mate who meets what you desire/need and even then, "life" happens cuz people evolve/change...so some people evolve together, sometimes they evolve apart. The person who you thought was the "one" was probably who you needed to evolve and learn more about yourself/life. So, they served their purpose and now time to move on. Also, too many people coupling up on hornies, emotions, and/or feelings. They "think" they got the "one" when all they are is going through emotions, lust, feelings; and, lust, feelings, emotions have no IQ. Like my fav podcaster says "Choose wisely, treat kindly". To find "the one" you need to choose wisely...and if you do find "the one", treat them kindly and hopefully you can meet someone who will last a lifetime with you But, some people also stay together for a lifetime and it doesn't necessarily mean they found the "one"...it probably means they over the years have been kept together by shared responsibilities (i.e. kids) and then just got to the point where they're "comfortable" and are not gonna even try to venture out for someone better. I mean, I have a relative who's wife cheated on him throughout the marriage and had both kids with other guys and he never left. Kids are up and gone and he still won't leave. He complains all the time, and he still won't leave. She takes his money, barks at him, and controls who can come to their home. Dare you say anything about her (even though he whines), he runs back and tells her and she's cussing you out on the phone....go figure. 1
DKT3 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Well, I think that person must be the one you can have convos with, sex, and work through "life/sht" with. I mean, w/o sex and/or someone you can have a simple convo with - you pretty much have a roommate. I mean, with a roommate you sit down and budget - that does not make a husband/wife/lover. OMG she is going to kill me when she reads this... My SO isn't the best sex I've ever had(still great), nor the best conversation(still great). She is however the only woman I've been with that is worth fighting for. My point is, we can be fooled by mind blowing sex or conversation that flows like the Amazon river. Behind that stuff can be a bunny boiler or a very toxic relationship that brings out the worst in you. Of course those things are important, but only if the relationship is worth fighting for when one of you has fu*ked up. Edited July 17, 2015 by DKT3 to not get killed 1
Male Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Thinking someone is THE ONE is nothing more than YOUR perception of how you view that person at that moment. You can weigh all the pros and cons and think they are the greatest thing ever. And then 6 months or 6 years later you cant stand the sight of them even though they are still the same exact person you deemed as THE ONE. 2
Got it Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 how do you know your partner was and is THE ONE? you know, the one you'll love the most, the one love of your life... that one LOVE that every other love fades when compared to. everybody says you'll know when you know, LOL. but how? what was the moment when you realized and knew that your partner was the one for you, what was the moment when you knew that you'll last... (IF there was a moment like that)? can you ever really know or is it just a matter of luck... wild life gambling? I really don't think you can really know until you are on death's door. This is requiring an ability to assess one's whole life and draw a conclusion from it. And since, at least, I don't have the ability to future see, I have to err on the side of old age. Little story, I work with a very nice older/middle age lady. Long term marriage to a kind of jerky guy. Divorces him finally. Starts dating but tends to fall in love fast. Well dating one guy and she says "he is the love of her life". And I am surprised by this. I mean she had a 15-20 year marriage and this guy is someone she has known for less than a year. So I politely ask her, how do you know? She says to me, well at her age, you just know. They broke up a few months later. She has been in love a few more times since then. I feel in love twice in my life to two wonderful men. Maybe my husband is the love of my life. Maybe there is another man that will be that I will meet later on. I have no way of knowing. So I just assess today. I know I love him far deeper than I have loved another, I feel 100% me with him in a way I have never felt comfortable with anyone else in my life. And I feel that he is a very special very deep love. In all likelihood is the love of my life. But since I am not even 40 year I will give myself a few more decades before I start assessing that. :laugh: 2
Author minimariah Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) You're welcome but now I'm curious. Why did my statement that DH was strong enough to let me be weak make you so happy? it reminded me a lot of my own situation. i had something similar happen to me -- felt the big boom with one and was SO SURE that he was the one... then it didn't start with the big boom with my current partner at all but those feelings that came later surprised me... i guess i always expected and thought that "real love" needs to start with the big boom, big sparks, explosives... my current relationship didn't and these feelings i have for him ended up being the strongest i've ever felt. and he is strong enough to let me be weak. Edited July 17, 2015 by minimariah
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm of the mindset that one should never take anything for granted especially relationships however long or short. I also think having the mentality that you've found "the one" kind of sets you up for disappointment and even failure because it often breeds so many expectations about how things should be. And the pressure of such expectations can be the kiss of death for a lot of couples. I think it makes for a much happier and healthy relationship when you learn how to appreciate each moment as it's given to you. Working on your relationship NOW and NOT over-thinking too far in the future is also important. As much as I am someone who tends to favor certain labels if only for my own sanity, there are some labels I don't think are necessary and crowning a significant other as my one-and-only-soulmate is no longer a label I need nor want. 5
Author minimariah Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I think it makes for a much happier and healthy relationship when you learn how to appreciate each moment as it's given to you. Working on your relationship NOW and NOT over-thinking too far in the future is also important. i agree, well said! i like to just enjoy the ride... enjoy while it lasts. when it's over, it's over... oh well. i find it that i'm much happier when i'm not overthinking and trying hard to look for some kind of guarantee that something will or won't be successful. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm of the mindset that one should never take anything for granted especially relationships however long or short. I also think having the mentality that you've found "the one" kind of sets you up for disappointment and even failure because it often breeds so many expectations about how things should be. And the pressure of such expectations can be the kiss of death for a lot of couples. I think it makes for a much happier and healthy relationship when you learn how to appreciate each moment as it's given to you. Working on your relationship NOW and NOT over-thinking too far in the future is also important. As much as I am someone who tends to favor certain labels if only for my own sanity, there are some labels I don't think are necessary and crowning a significant other as my one-and-only-soulmate is no longer a label I need nor want. I definitively had my eyes set for "Prince Charming" my list was vast. Then, there was this whole passionate/chemistry thing that I wanted. A lover, like no other, who would make me scream in ecstasy. My list was unrealistic but I didn't know that when I was in my 20's now that I'm in my 40's sometimes I still don't know it. 1
deadelvis Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Never settle for less than prince charming. If it's not 100% all around, you will have regrets and feel trapped. I had intense dreams and waking visions about my current partner for 10+ years before we started dating and I always knew in my heart we would be together for the rest of our lives. We aren't perfect, but I can tell you already... she is the love of my life. 1
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