maysj18 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I've been dating this guy for several weeks and we just became official. We have a history, grew up together, etc. so I know him pretty well..i think. Some weird information has arose and I'm not sure how I feel about it. He has two work friends who he hangs out with occassionally- in fact, we're all going camping this weekend. I've met them both several times and they seem like perfectly nice guys. Welll, I found out one was convicted of child pornography possession back in 2008 when he was 19. Apparently the girls were like 15/16 and I have no idea what the circumstances were. I was trying to find any additional charges and I saw the other friend on the sex offender registry as well. This guy was convicted of aggravated sexual battery- victim was 13 or less. He was 24 so sad. How 2 offenders work at the same small business is beyond me, but none of that is important. I'm MUCH more concerned with the fact that my boyfriend chooses to hang out with these guys knowing their past. Now, I'm all for forgiveness and hearing the other side of the story, but they were both convicted within the last 5 years and both plead guilty. I mean, it's a pretty defining character flaw to sexually batter a 13 year old. Both served prison time, too. I don't think he should call them out or stop being friendly at work, but these are the type of people you keep at arms length. you don't plan camping trips and write off their crimes as if they're speeding tickets. Right? Thoughts?
Qboro90 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Wow that is quite the situation so I completely understand your concerns. A couple questions... How do you know your bf is aware of their past history and the actual details of it. Might be possible that he knows they served time but isn't aware the actual reasons. If that's the case then you should make him aware of what you know and have a discussion from there about it. How long has he known each of them? Do you feel comfortable being around them knowing now what you do? If not then that's something you need to bring up with your bf. You're right in the fact that there are 2 sides to every story. I fee that in the case of the one who had pictures of a 15/16 yo that it may be that he was 19 and dating a 15/16 and had pics of her naked or whatever. That at least could be understood. The 24yo though there really isn't a logical explanation for that I can think of. If I were you I'd talk to your bf about it privately. See what he knows, see what he says. If he's not concerned and still wants to hang around them then I would consider that a red flag. Also be prepared to answer the question of how you came across this information on them to begin with. Feel free to also explain that while they might have changed their behavior or the crimes can be explained that this is public knowledge in your community and that anyone with a computer can find out what they have been convicted of. That matters because if he is associated with them on a friendship level it is human nature to think that he is like minded. Does he really want that preception of himself by others based off the people he hangs around with. If his parents or if he had a sister knew that he was going camping with 2 convicted child abusers would he be proud of it and want them to come over for dinner? Doubt it Talk to him before the trip asap
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 You can't change his friends & you can't order him to stop being friends with them. If they make you uncomfortable, walk away from the whole thing. You don't have another choice. 1
Author maysj18 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Okay, so here's some more detail: I found out only because my boyfriend did some snooping to see why friend A went to prison as he didn't really tell anyone. When my boyfriend found out what it was for, he called me in disbelief. The court documents are sealed so there is little info other than the girl was a minor and he was 19, so I didn't give it much thought. Well, not even a day or so later, friend A just happens to confide in my boyfriend and tell him about what happened. My boyfriend didn't acknowledge that he alreayd knew, but later told me it sounded more like he knowingly downloaded underage photos and it wasn't just one person. That is when I started to get a bad taste in my mouth- even though friend A was super vague in his descriptions, he made it seem that he found access to underage photos from girls he had never talked to. Were they forced, coerced, drugged, mislead? Who knows? He was only 19 at the time, but he admitted to knowing it was wrong at the time so it wasn't innocent. Again, it's none of my business so I would never call him out, but I just don't really care for him as a person. NOW, friend B is a weirder story. I was looking up Friend A on the sex offender registry because I was asking my roommate how she felt about the situation and she wanted to see what he looked like. In the midst of all this, I see Friend B's mugshot and conviction information. Basically, he was found guilty of a crime (aggravated sexual battery) with a victim UNDER the age of 13. This was just 4 years ago- he plead guilty, was sentenced to 5 years in prison and served 2 or something. Coming from a family of lawyers, I know that this likely means he did it and took the plea deal for a lesser sentence. I was shocked because he was always so nice to me and hilarious. I call my boyfriend to see if he knows and he's like "Oh, yeah..I figured he did something bad at one point because I knew he went to prison." When I told him exactly what he did he started getting so passive and saying things like "Well, I don't like to judge people based on their past." "We work together and I don't want things to be weird." and my favorite: "I'll just have to keep him away from schools lol" SO, now we're here. He's coming over tonight and I'm going to talk to him. In no way do I think he needs to call them out on this, but I find it unnerving that he can not only look past what friend B did and hang out with him outside of work all the time, but that he kind of defended him. I don't expect him to change his friends, I just want to understand where he's coming from and explain why I have a problem with his attitude towards the whole thing. It doesn't mean I would expect him to avoid them, treat them like ****, or stand on a mountain of judgement- I just would expect him to keep a reasonable distance and not be close with people like that. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think the past can say a lot about a person's character..especially in instances like these. 1
Qboro90 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 I agree with everything you said and your approach to this. Your boyfriends nonchalant reaction and opinion to this does worry me a bit. The discussion about them should be done privately involving just you and your bf. Confronting them would be an incredibly bizarre situation with an unpredictable outcome. Ask him if the shoe was on the other foot and you started hanging out with a co worker that was convicted of rape, how he would feel about it. The fact that both of them went to prison also tells you that this more than likely was not their first offense, especially in the 19yo case. Does your boyfriend have any kind of criminal background or any history of poor behavior/judgment? Also if you don't mind sharing what kind of job are they employed with? Is this going to be a long term career or just a stepping stone to his next career move? If it's the 2nd then you can at least know they won't be around forever. I find it pretty crazy that he can just look past these guys crimes and pal around with them. If mutual friends are sharing information of their crimes with you then it's well known in the community that they are child abusers/rapists. Ask your boyfriend if he wants people to associate him with that kind of character. I wouldn't be ok with his friendship with them, especially if it's progressing outside of work. Tell him also that both of them are not far removed from their crimes. Just by what we know about percentages of child abusers reincarceration rate he should EXPECT that they will have more issues/legally. What if one of these guys emails or texts him something and your bf if then lumped into the career, life, and relationship ending task of defending themselves against child abuse allegations. The second he's even mentioned with these two guys, public opinion will convict him forever regardless of if he's totally innocent. He should be able to see this
Qboro90 Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Also I think you should call him out when he says things like "well I just won't take them around schools haha". That's when it's your job/responsibility to not let that slide as a joke. This isn't a joke, if he thinks touching, looking at, or raping children is something to laugh at and no big deal then you can question everything about him. "Do you think those girls or their families are ha-ha'ing what happened to them like you are?" If it was your sister, niece, daughter etc, you'd be fine with going camping with them? Seriously? 1
casey.lives Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) we all have history. camping is pretty wholesome.. if they bring out the good in each other than i'd stay quiet and just put space and time between your family.. periodically for safety. Although, if you feel the need to snoop on a friend.. you shouldn't be friends with them. (i wouldn't appreciate my "friends" snooping on me... just ask. aren't we friends??) Edited July 18, 2015 by casey.lives
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