ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 A brief synopsis. Tinder She seemed ok if nothing particularly wow so decided to meet her anyway. The not particularly wow part was the defining characteristic of this meet up, very open minded she was but I declined on that, she is nice enough without being really well "wow". Once again I had to resort to dumbing myself down quite a lot as the conversation wasn't at all flowing, no sort of common ground could be found at all, though again I must say she was nice. At least unlike the vast majority she could talk about her interests so that did make the conversation flow a bit better but not much asking about me at all, no real surprise there. She was relatively pretty. In short just another disappointment to add the long long list and she fell way short of the benchmark unfortunately. Again she was a nice person.
Gus Grimly Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 In short just another disappointment to add the long long list and she fell way short of the benchmark unfortunately. Again she was a nice person. I say keep at it, you're bound to strike gold eventually.
Qboro90 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 In your other posts you break yourself down and say how no one could possibly like you for reasons like .... Etc. Yet here and with most women you go out with you are always unimpressed and give reasons as to why they are unimpressive, and not worth your time. So which is it? Are you out of these women's league? Or are they out of yours? It can't be both. One date can't give you an accurate depiction of someone no matter what you talk about or do. If you are even semi interested in her then go on a second date. Try kissing her at the end of the date too (dinner btw, not lunch or coffee date).
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 In your other posts you break yourself down and say how no one could possibly like you for reasons like .... Etc. Yet here and with most women you go out with you are always unimpressed and give reasons as to why they are unimpressive, and not worth your time. So which is it? Are you out of these women's league? Or are they out of yours? It can't be both. One date can't give you an accurate depiction of someone no matter what you talk about or do. If you are even semi interested in her then go on a second date. Try kissing her at the end of the date too (dinner btw, not lunch or coffee date). Not interested in her because simply put I wasn't "wowed" to any great degree. I think 1.5 hours with someone can give you an idea whether you want to see them again and to be honest while this one was nice I am not really that interested. Friend zone perhaps but potential gf, no. We are too incompatible in fundamental things. Bottom line, there isn't enough of a challenge here.
Qboro90 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 What challange are you looking for? Sounds like you want the challange of a woman who is physically and intellectually "out of your league" and anything else is deemed unworthy of your time. You're 30, not 50. Why not date a few women and practice how to behave and act after the first date rather than waiting for that "one in a million wow girl" to go after. Chances are that even when you meet that girl, your inexperience with dating and women will prevent her from wanting more with you. That would be like the best high school football quarterback sitting out his senior season because he is that much better than the other teams/competition in the league. Then he gets drafted into the NfL which was his dream all along and is suddenly tasked with going up against the best of the best. Because he didn't practice and get better, he failed miserably. Say you meet the "wow" girl 5 months from now. How are you going to wow her? What will you do after the first or second date? What will you do when it's time to go in for the kiss? What will you do when it's time to get intimate and have sex? You'll wish you had practiced I'll tell you that. Why not practice against weaker competition so that when the time comes you'll at least have some kind of experience to reach back to and utilize. 4
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 What challange are you looking for? Sounds like you want the challange of a woman who is physically and intellectually "out of your league" and anything else is deemed unworthy of your time. You're 30, not 50. Why not date a few women and practice how to behave and act after the first date rather than waiting for that "one in a million wow girl" to go after. Chances are that even when you meet that girl, your inexperience with dating and women will prevent her from wanting more with you. That would be like the best high school football quarterback sitting out his senior season because he is that much better than the other teams/competition in the league. Then he gets drafted into the NfL which was his dream all along and is suddenly tasked with going up against the best of the best. Because he didn't practice and get better, he failed miserably. Say you meet the "wow" girl 5 months from now. How are you going to wow her? What will you do after the first or second date? What will you do when it's time to go in for the kiss? What will you do when it's time to get intimate and have sex? You'll wish you had practiced I'll tell you that. Why not practice against weaker competition so that when the time comes you'll at least have some kind of experience to reach back to and utilize. Nope I like a challenge per se, lot of that being related to intellectual challenge, i.e. someone who makes me think Many people on this forum has told me inexperience isn't a problem and females don't mind if you are experienced or not, so either it is important or it isn't. What you propose is leading someone on, using them to gain experience and them dumping them, morally I cant do that. What would I do, well I would simply be honest and tell wow girl I have no experience. If she chooses to walk then so be it.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 IMO. I would also let women know what you expect from them. I'd never meet anyone if I did that hahaha.
Qboro90 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I still don't understand what you mean by having a woman challenge you intellectually and being able to see that in her in a first date..... If you're having deep intellectual convos within the first hour of meeting one another I'd be shocked. Like the above post said - women are trying to get to know you on a first date... Not impress you with their intellectual capability and knowledge. That comes with time. Would you read the first page of a book and then decide if you wanted to read the rest of it based on that alone? That's what you're doing here. First page reading then closing the book and picking up another one. Can you give us an example of something a woman could say to you that would intellectually WOW you? 2
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I still don't understand what you mean by having a woman challenge you intellectually and being able to see that in her in a first date..... If you're having deep intellectual convos within the first hour of meeting one another I'd be shocked. Like the above post said - women are trying to get to know you on a first date... Not impress you with their intellectual capability and knowledge. That comes with time. Would you read the first page of a book and then decide if you wanted to read the rest of it based on that alone? That's what you're doing here. First page reading then closing the book and picking up another one. Can you give us an example of something a woman could say to you that would intellectually WOW you? Intellectually wowing is really simple. :Good vocab :Good general knowledge :The confidence to speak. :Friendly persona Basically be the above and be interesting.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Maybe, maybe not. You don't know without trying. I always let women know in advance what I am looking for, and I am a really picky dude. Saves both of you from wasting your time meeting if you can narrow down prospects before the first date. I know I'd rather sit home and play Playstation than meet some new woman that bores me enough to start threads about her online. She wasn't boring at all just not "wow" enough for me.
h0000 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Why did you go out with a woman who doesn't wow you? Too much time on your hand?
joseb Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Many people on this forum has told me inexperience isn't a problem and females don't mind if you are experienced or not, so either it is important or it isn't. What you propose is leading someone on, using them to gain experience and them dumping them, morally I cant do that. What would I do, well I would simply be honest and tell wow girl I have no experience. If she chooses to walk then so be it. I understand your reluctance to do this, but really, I think you need to. And don't think of it as leading someone on - it really is hard to know from one date if someone is a possibility. Unless you are not at all physically attracted, in which case then yeah thats leading her on. Who knows, maybe after a couple of dates the girls will be more themselves and you might like them. I actually think a coffee shop is an ok first date if you have not met the person in real life - but really, it's just a quick screen and you should not expect any deep or meaningful conversations. The other thing - if you are meeting these girls online, surely you can discern if they have decent vocabulary and a bit of general knowledge by chatting/viewing their profile?
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I understand your reluctance to do this, but really, I think you need to. And don't think of it as leading someone on - it really is hard to know from one date if someone is a possibility. Unless you are not at all physically attracted, in which case then yeah thats leading her on. Who knows, maybe after a couple of dates the girls will be more themselves and you might like them. I actually think a coffee shop is an ok first date if you have not met the person in real life - but really, it's just a quick screen and you should not expect any deep or meaningful conversations. The other thing - if you are meeting these girls online, surely you can discern if they have decent vocabulary and a bit of general knowledge by chatting/viewing their profile? Here comes the thing I think many here may have been wondering. If I am going to even contemplate having sx she needs to be ok looking but she MUST be able to intellectually interest me, for me there is something extremely attractive about someone intelligent and on top of them game from a conversation point of view. If all the aim experience I don't honestly see much difference to seeing an escort which I wont do either. Yes, I should be able to discern, except Tinder its very hard to do so and to be honest so so few ever show any sort of wow in their profile I am forced to take leaps of faith and hope for the best. At the end of the days its not fair to lead people on, I have been rejected a lot, its all I know in fact and I know how horrible that feels so I am very careful not to do that to other people if I can avoid it. For me this pretty much sums me up "always try do good"
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Why did you go out with a woman who doesn't wow you? Too much time on your hand? Not too much time, just a need to try and do something besides chase the totally seemingly impossible.
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) What challange are you looking for? Sounds like you want the challange of a woman who is physically and intellectually "out of your league" and anything else is deemed unworthy of your time. You're 30, not 50. Why not date a few women and practice how to behave and act after the first date rather than waiting for that "one in a million wow girl" to go after. Chances are that even when you meet that girl, your inexperience with dating and women will prevent her from wanting more with you. That would be like the best high school football quarterback sitting out his senior season because he is that much better than the other teams/competition in the league. Then he gets drafted into the NfL which was his dream all along and is suddenly tasked with going up against the best of the best. Because he didn't practice and get better, he failed miserably. Say you meet the "wow" girl 5 months from now. How are you going to wow her? What will you do after the first or second date? What will you do when it's time to go in for the kiss? What will you do when it's time to get intimate and have sex? You'll wish you had practiced I'll tell you that. Why not practice against weaker competition so that when the time comes you'll at least have some kind of experience to reach back to and utilize. Oh for God's sake, the OP wasn't attracted to her! He did not feel enough chemistry to want to pursue it......why the hell are you arguing with him about HIS feelings? Or lack thereof. If he needs a woman to be a bit of a challenge to him.....intellectually or otherwise..... that is HIS prerogative. Are you actually suggesting he continue dating her knowing he's not into it, into her? That's called "stringing a woman along" in my book. Ugh. OP, just keep going, meeting and dating others. It's a numbers game. DON'T settle. Edited July 17, 2015 by katiegrl
serial muse Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Intellectually wowing is really simple. :Good vocab :Good general knowledge :The confidence to speak. :Friendly persona Basically be the above and be interesting. I mean this stuff is pretty vague, and from your description of the date she checked off the boxes, but just didn't have the intangible "wow" factor. I think what people are trying to say is that you might be looking for something else - something you didn't put into words - that might be a bit much to ask for on a first date at a coffee house. Spontaneity. Intellectual curiosity. It might make more sense for you to choose a meeting place where a person would feel more comfortable relaxing a bit and exhibiting those qualities. Coffee dates are basically stilted, formal affairs - not a bad place to get a first sense of someone, but if you're giving the full-on hard-core evaluation you might want to give them more of a chance by picking something that will feel less like an interview. An activity of some kind, perhaps. It feels a bit like you're stacking the deck against finding someone.
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Oh for God's sake, the OP wasn't attracted to her! He did not feel enough chemistry to want to pursue it......why the hell are you arguing with him about HIS feelings? Or lack thereof. If he needs a woman to be a bit of a challenge to him.....intellectually or otherwise..... that is HIS prerogative. Are you actually suggesting he continue dating her knowing he's not into it, into her? That's called "stringing a woman along" in my book. Ugh. OP, just keep going, meeting and dating others. It's a numbers game. DON'T settle. In any normal dating scenario I would tend to agree, but ZA Dater is hugely inexperienced, never kissed anyone at 31, and has an issue with oneitis. What I guess Qboro90 was trying to do was to get ZA to jump off that high diving board for the first time as once he does that, he will be better equipped to deal with Miss Perfect when she does show up. He cannot impress her with his Forward Flying 2 ½ Somersault, if he can barely jump into the pool, can he? I do not believe in stringing anyone on, but dating is all about practice and as this is ZAs first date this year, I doubt asking her for a second date would be a huge crime, and he and she may even enjoy it. 1
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I wonder if you're realistic in your dating approach. You're in your early thirties and despite numerous first dates, have only had a couple of second dates and nothing beyond that. In your shoes, I might take a little more time to get to know someone (i.e. a second date) before nixing her altogether. I know a guy in his early 70's who is in a similar position to you--numerous first dates, almost no second dates, no relationships. He's still looking for that perfect person to "wow" him who will then reciprocate his interest. You often don't get a great understanding of a person on a first date. Often, in fact, you get a somewhat different impression of the person on a second date, especially if the person was nervous. She checked all your boxes, just not in a "wow" way, whatever "wow" actually means. Per your description she was attractive, friendly, and confident enough to ask you questions. You must have had some exchange with her before, so she had to be a decent communicator. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Perhaps it's time to reexamine your approach? Maybe make some adjustments?
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I wonder if you're realistic in your dating approach. You're in your early thirties and despite numerous first dates, have only had a couple of second dates and nothing beyond that. In your shoes, I might take a little more time to get to know someone (i.e. a second date) before nixing her altogether. I know a guy in his early 70's who is in a similar position to you--numerous first dates, almost no second dates, no relationships. He's still looking for that perfect person to "wow" him who will then reciprocate his interest. You often don't get a great understanding of a person on a first date. Often, in fact, you get a somewhat different impression of the person on a second date, especially if the person was nervous. She checked all your boxes, just not in a "wow" way, whatever "wow" actually means. Per your description she was attractive, friendly, and confident enough to ask you questions. You must have had some exchange with her before, so she had to be a decent communicator. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Perhaps it's time to reexamine your approach? Maybe make some adjustments? Here is the thing though, all the ones I have found "wow" in the past I found wow within 10 minutes of meeting them, the conversation was spontaneous and it just flowed, there was something intangible about them which made them incredibly likeable. This didn't really and again I say it she is a very nice person, I'd hate to hurt her feelings by being selfish and using her for my own ends. As mentioned morally I cant live with that. Exchanges via whatsapp aren't really a good gauge of anything in my opinion. I am resigned to he fact "wow" may never come but I am not going to start using people either.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 In any normal dating scenario I would tend to agree, but ZA Dater is hugely inexperienced, never kissed anyone at 31, and has an issue with oneitis. What I guess Qboro90 was trying to do was to get ZA to jump off that high diving board for the first time as once he does that, he will be better equipped to deal with Miss Perfect when she does show up. He cannot impress her with his Forward Flying 2 ½ Somersault, if he can barely jump into the pool, can he? I do not believe in stringing anyone on, but dating is all about practice and as this is ZAs first date this year, I doubt asking her for a second date would be a huge crime, and he and she may even enjoy it. I find much of this as difficult to swallow as an oversized piece of turkey on a festive holiday. Tacitly when I read the above what I read into it is this "inexperience is deeply unattractive", that's the over riding theme. Perhaps I live in a dream world but if dating is so "experience" based then perhaps its not something I am interested in at all, if you cant take a person on their own merits and then lets inexperience kill the deal then honestly what's the point? I am not going to date someone I cannot take to events, doesn't keep me interested and for the most part has a lifestyle incompatible with my own. Again she is a nice person, she is into equestrian sports which is unusual and different. I don't know, I just left feeling nothing to be honest, as I suppose has everyone that's ever met me. Right now the most viable option is to maybe try friend zone. Yes, I do suffer from oneitis with very good reason, that's the only person that within 5 min of meeting her I was totally captivated. How to feel like you really won at life, freezing cold, sitting here looking at FB and seeing everyone I know with either a gf or getting married, hard to feel like a winner lol.
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 How to feel like you really won at life, freezing cold, sitting here looking at FB and seeing everyone I know with either a gf or getting married, hard to feel like a winner lol. Don't worry about that turkey, the Heimlich manoeuvre will save you. Very, very few will eventually marry those that wowed them on the first date and no, I do not mean they "settled" either. Relationships take a while to develop, and you will learn that people you may be initially captivated with, very often fail to make good relationship material. If you do not "experience", such things, you remain stuck in limbo, looking at other people's lives through FB pics and status updates. vvvv - This - vvvvv Look at a caterpillar. In order to turn to a beautiful butterfly, the caterpillar must go through a crystallising process wrapped in a cocoon. It is mostly painful I'd imagine. It's lonely. The caterpillar doesn't know when it's going to get out. Everything is dark. But then one day it sprouts wings! It flies into the air and it's free! If it didn't do that, it would always crawl on the ground looking up at the sky at all the other butterflies knowing that it could do that do if it wasn't so scared. But they're not scared. They're fulfilling their purpose. They have no regrets about doing this. Because they know what they must do. As a man, you must know what you must do. You must look deep inside of yourself and see if you're too scared to grow wings and go through the painful process. Or will you always make excuses with you head in the dirt feeling sorry for yourself? The choice is yours.
mortensorchid Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I've had a few dates on Tinder recently. They were, as I could see, good guys. We had a nice time at the meeting but I never heard from either of them again after that. If they were interested they would call/text me, I say. It's Tinder, it's what it is.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 18, 2015 Author Posted July 18, 2015 Don't worry about that turkey, the Heimlich manoeuvre will save you. Very, very few will eventually marry those that wowed them on the first date and no, I do not mean they "settled" either. Relationships take a while to develop, and you will learn that people you may be initially captivated with, very often fail to make good relationship material. If you do not "experience", such things, you remain stuck in limbo, looking at other people's lives through FB pics and status updates. vvvv - This - vvvvv What you say makes sense however just for once can't I just date someone who does captivate me as apposed to someone ivmust force myself to like. That's what irritates me.
angel.eyes Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) You're welcome to do whatever you want. How's that working out for you though? Consider this. Since, you've never gone beyond a second date, you really have no idea what you will actually want or need in a partner in a long-term relationship. What you have right now is a theoretical list of your ideal person. Experience and dating a bunch of different people knocks most of our preconceptions off our initial list and adds other traits that we learn through experience are critical to us. Talk to a bunch of 16-year old girls about the traits they want in a future husband and then to a bunch of women at 30 or 40. Their lists evolve with experience. Second, no matter how talented a person, it's nuts to expect to hit your first homerun in a major league game against the sport's best players, when you've sat out every practice match and are barely familiar with the game. You practice and improve with your local team. Dating is no different. Practice makes perfect. And in the process, you end up clicking with someone you discover to be special. Each person we date teaches us something and usually leaves us better equipped to find and succeed in our next relationship. IIRC, at 31 you've had a three women you were interested in at the end of a first date, and only one "wow" who agreed to a second date. Since she then made it clear she wanted no further contact with you, you have no way of knowing if the reality of this woman matches your idealized image of her. Most won't. Here is the thing though, all the ones I have found "wow" in the past I found wow within 10 minutes of meeting them, the conversation was spontaneous and it just flowed, there was something intangible about them which made them incredibly likeable. This didn't really and again I say it she is a very nice person, I'd hate to hurt her feelings by being selfish and using her for my own ends. As mentioned morally I cant live with that. Exchanges via whatsapp aren't really a good gauge of anything in my opinion. I am resigned to he fact "wow" may never come but I am not going to start using people either. Edited July 18, 2015 by angel.eyes
IronZ Posted July 18, 2015 Posted July 18, 2015 Good lord man give these women a chance. You knock them down after meeting for an hour tops. This isn't a rom-com, you're not going to fall in love at first sight. Ever consider that maybe they're nervous and not quite comfortable enough to have a real conversation with you yet? You're never going to find someone if you never let your guard down for a second and allow someone to get through to you. 4
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