Leo1991 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Hi, First off I'd like to say that I'm in a LDR with a girl for seven months now (soon 8). She is 23 I am 24. We tend to talk for hours durings nights on snapchat. Something that is bothering me though is that she often falls asleep when we talk (well that's what she claims). I want to believe her, but two days I discovered something that made me concerned. We were in the middle of a conversation, and she stopped responding. I assumed that she fell asleep because it's common like I said before. An hour later or so I found out by accident that she was online on facebook, liking different pictures and so on. The next day she calls me as usual and we talk for a bit and she apologizes for falling asleep. I know that she didn't fall asleep because I saw her online on facebook. However I decided to not confront her about it that point. But I will have to. Now what do you guys think about this? Her words and actions show that she loves me, but I seriously don't even know what to believe when she does this. If she is tired, fine. She can go sleep. But she obviously wasn't tired that night. She simply ignored my message and lied to me saying that she fell asleep. Thoughts about this? Thanks in advance.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Hi, First off I'd like to say that I'm in a LDR with a girl for seven months now (soon 8). She is 23 I am 24. We tend to talk for hours durings nights on snapchat. Something that is bothering me though is that she often falls asleep when we talk (well that's what she claims). I want to believe her, but two days I discovered something that made me concerned. We were in the middle of a conversation, and she stopped responding. I assumed that she fell asleep because it's common like I said before. An hour later or so I found out by accident that she was online on facebook, liking different pictures and so on. The next day she calls me as usual and we talk for a bit and she apologizes for falling asleep. I know that she didn't fall asleep because I saw her online on facebook. However I decided to not confront her about it that point. But I will have to. Now what do you guys think about this? Her words and actions show that she loves me, but I seriously don't even know what to believe when she does this. If she is tired, fine. She can go sleep. But she obviously wasn't tired that night. She simply ignored my message and lied to me saying that she fell asleep. Thoughts about this? Thanks in advance. Maybe she just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by wanting to tend to other social media activities while she's chatting with you and she doesn't want to tell you, "Well, it's been fun chatting with you, but I want to end our chat now because I actually want to go on FB and mess around on there for a bit..." I mean, how would you HONESTLY feel if she sent that message to you? Wouldn't you be bothered or a little put off by it? That's not to say that what she's doing is right, because it isn't. She should really be just honest with you and tell you "Goodnight ______, I'm gonna go and fart around on FB for a bit now. I'll ttytomorrow..." Just be honest with her and tell her that you noticed her on FB the other night after she told you that she 'fell asleep'. She may be put off (or downright insulted and weirded out) by you calling her out on her white lie. If so, too bad. Ya'll are going on almost a year of being in a LTR; she should feel more comfy with you to be straight up about things like this. Talk to her about it and see what she says and how she reacts. If she overreacts to you calling her out on a lie that SHE told, then maybe you might need to re-evaluate the relationship. I mean, if she's going to lie to you about something so trivial as this, what else is she keeping from you? .
Author Leo1991 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Maybe she just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by wanting to tend to other social media activities while she's chatting with you and she doesn't want to tell you, "Well, it's been fun chatting with you, but I want to end our chat now because I actually want to go on FB and mess around on there for a bit..." I mean, how would you HONESTLY feel if she sent that message to you? Wouldn't you be bothered or a little put off by it? That's not to say that what she's doing is right, because it isn't. She should really be just honest with you and tell you "Goodnight ______, I'm gonna go and fart around on FB for a bit now. I'll ttytomorrow..." Just be honest with her and tell her that you noticed her on FB the other night after she told you that she 'fell asleep'. She may be put off (or downright insulted and weirded out) by you calling her out on her white lie. If so, too bad. Ya'll are going on almost a year of being in a LTR; she should feel more comfy with you to be straight up about things like this. Talk to her about it and see what she says and how she reacts. If she overreacts to you calling her out on a lie that SHE told, then maybe you might need to re-evaluate the relationship. I mean, if she's going to lie to you about something so trivial as this, what else is she keeping from you? . Thanks for your response. I do agree with you about everything. I find it likely that she's doing it because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Maybe she gets bored after hours of talking. However, we talked about this before and I even told her that if she is tired she can just say good night. I'm fine with it. Also, it wouldn't bother me if she was honest and told me she's going to do something else, but I guess it's easier for her to say that she fell asleep as that is something she always has been telling me. I'm not sure how this will end up but I'm definitely concerned that she's lying about this. As you said, if she lies about something small like this then who knows what else she's keeping from me. But, I'm going to confront here about this as soon as possible. Her reaction will tell everything. If she keeps denying it, overreacts and simply gets mad at me perhaps it's time for me to move on. Edited July 17, 2015 by Leo1991
Lansing Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I say you start ending the conversations BEFORE she gets tired/wants to end the conversation. Leave her wanting more. I do agree that she should be more direct with you though. 1
Fleur de cactus Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 By by experience, when someone texts and stops suddenly without saying goodbye, good night, i have to go , or I am feeling tired, there is someone she/he does not want to see what s/he was doing. My ex bf did it to me, not once, not twice. And the explanation would be next time when I asked, oh i fell asleep. He could text and then when the ex gf was there (when he was telling me that they were done) he would switch off abruptly. Another explanation may be she wants to do something else, and does not know how to tell you to end the conversation. Maybe you text her too much and too long, sometimes it is tiresome if it is too much and she does not know how to stop it. 1
Author Leo1991 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I say you start ending the conversations BEFORE she gets tired/wants to end the conversation. Leave her wanting more. I do agree that she should be more direct with you though. She initiated the conversation and kept writing a lot in every response. There was no sign of her being bored/tired. So I find this pretty confusing, but I guess I'll know what to do next after I've confronted her about this. 1
Qboro90 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I've experienced this from your gf side of things so perhaps I can offer some insight into her behavior. One thing you didn't mention is how often you talk to your gf. Do you talk throughout the day as well or only at night? Either way she may just want to have time to herself and not feel obligated to engage in a mundane conversation about stuff that isn't really that important to either of you. I would do this with girls as well. Sometimes I would just feel like doing nothing and trying to express that to your gf/bf is not always easy. You can say you'd understand all you want but we both know that eventually you might have a snarky reply to her or just make her feel guilty about wanting some time to wind down due to the fact that your in a LdR. Also think to yourself, you guys are in a long distance relationship and trying to make it work. If you bring this up and call her out on it, it's little fights/disagreements like that which can lead to something more serious between you. If you lived close to her then I'd say bring it up because you would be able to be in her presence and smooth things over in person if she took it the wrong way, however because you won't see her that can make the little disagreements seem so much bigger once you hang up and aren't able to see her and make her fee that love she has for you so easily. In a LDR it's important to let the little things go in order to keep the peace. Next time you visit her or see her maybe you can bring it up if it happens again or still bothers you but until then is this something you think is worth breaking up over? She doesn't wanna talk for 2 hours at night every day... Big deal.... You could have much worse things to worry about so if this is your biggest issue with her, give her a break.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 This is pretty normal to me, just indicates that she needs some space and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. OR she fell asleep and woke up a bit later and couldn't fall back asleep right away. I know people go on about communicating issues. In my opinion there is such a thing as over communicating and introducing unnecessary conflict. I don't think you should bring this up- it will make her feel stifled and like she is being watched 24/7. It could lead to her feeling trapped and unhappy. If other aspects of your relationships are going well, it's best to let these little details go. 3
Author Leo1991 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I've experienced this from your gf side of things so perhaps I can offer some insight into her behavior. One thing you didn't mention is how often you talk to your gf. Do you talk throughout the day as well or only at night? Either way she may just want to have time to herself and not feel obligated to engage in a mundane conversation about stuff that isn't really that important to either of you. I would do this with girls as well. Sometimes I would just feel like doing nothing and trying to express that to your gf/bf is not always easy. You can say you'd understand all you want but we both know that eventually you might have a snarky reply to her or just make her feel guilty about wanting some time to wind down due to the fact that your in a LdR. Also think to yourself, you guys are in a long distance relationship and trying to make it work. If you bring this up and call her out on it, it's little fights/disagreements like that which can lead to something more serious between you. If you lived close to her then I'd say bring it up because you would be able to be in her presence and smooth things over in person if she took it the wrong way, however because you won't see her that can make the little disagreements seem so much bigger once you hang up and aren't able to see her and make her fee that love she has for you so easily. In a LDR it's important to let the little things go in order to keep the peace. Next time you visit her or see her maybe you can bring it up if it happens again or still bothers you but until then is this something you think is worth breaking up over? She doesn't wanna talk for 2 hours at night every day... Big deal.... You could have much worse things to worry about so if this is your biggest issue with her, give her a break. We talk throughout the day, and she's the one mostly initiating contact. I do agree that it's important to not call her out on small things as we're in a LDR. If I do, it will just lead to a lot of arguing. I didn't think of this before, so I thank you for making me realize that. I believe that this is bothering me since I personally never would ignore her like that. I would try to end the conversation and tell her "good night". But I do realize now that it's not easy for everyone, and that she probably just doesn't know how to end the conversation. 1
Author Leo1991 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 This is pretty normal to me, just indicates that she needs some space and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. OR she fell asleep and woke up a bit later and couldn't fall back asleep right away. I know people go on about communicating issues. In my opinion there is such a thing as over communicating and introducing unnecessary conflict. I don't think you should bring this up- it will make her feel stifled and like she is being watched 24/7. It could lead to her feeling trapped and unhappy. If other aspects of your relationships are going well, it's best to let these little details go. After reading all your replies I'm not sure if I will call her out on it. At this point I think it's just not worth it as it's not even something big. But if I notice that she keeps doing it then I'll talk with her about it. If I call her out on it, she probably will get upset and perhaps feel trapped and watched like you're saying. Our relationship is going well in general, so as of now, I'll probably let it be. 1
johan Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'd let it go. She might have fell asleep and then woke up later and started hitting the internet. Or maybe she just didn't feel like talking more. In case that's true, can you handle it? Do you need to always feel like you're the center of her universe in order to feel secure? Some things in a relationship, even with a total angel, will be bothersome and kind of sit in your mind. Just remember she needs some freedom to do her thing without a lot of guilt or pressure. If she wants to pretend to sleep in order to assert some independence, it's not a crime. At least for a while. Sooner or later you'll need to ask her to just be straight with you. Having been in a long distance relationship, I can tell you that I start to feel like I'm in a relationship with my devices, tethered to them. 3
GemmaUK Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 So if she were to say goodnight and then after saying goodnight log in to FB you would be OK with that yes? Tell her that. Tell her that she shouldn't feel obligated to keep messaging you.
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 TBut, I'm going to confront here about this as soon as possible. Her reaction will tell everything. If she keeps denying it, overreacts and simply gets mad at me perhaps it's time for me to move on. If you confront her of course she will get mad. Confront is a nasty, angry, hurtful word. It implies you are attacking her. If you attack her she will get defensive, anybody would. Instead, talk to her. Quietly tell her what you observed & ask her nicely to explain because it hurt your feelings. If you approach this with an open mind, you may be able to communicate effectively & improve your relationship. You confront her, the explosion will blow apart your relationship. It's your choice: constructive or destructive. Chose wisely.
Author Leo1991 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 So if she were to say goodnight and then after saying goodnight log in to FB you would be OK with that yes? Tell her that. Tell her that she shouldn't feel obligated to keep messaging you. I would be OK with it if she was honest like; "I'll mess around on FB now for a bit and then I'll go to bed. Good night." I will let her know that she shouldn't feel obligated to keep messaging me though, good advice. If you confront her of course she will get mad. Confront is a nasty, angry, hurtful word. It implies you are attacking her. If you attack her she will get defensive, anybody would. Instead, talk to her. Quietly tell her what you observed & ask her nicely to explain because it hurt your feelings. If you approach this with an open mind, you may be able to communicate effectively & improve your relationship. You confront her, the explosion will blow apart your relationship. It's your choice: constructive or destructive. Chose wisely. I see that I might've used the wrong word. If I ever decide to talk with her about this I will do it nicely. Like I always do. Thanks for all the advice in this thread. I appreciate it.
Recommended Posts