compulsivedancer Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) I have been dating someone for about 4 months. My ex is a musician, and my boyfriend is a writer. There must be something appealing to me about the creative type. Or maybe the type of guy I like likes to create. During my marriage, I allowed myself to get caught up in my ex's goals so much that I basically missed out on all the things I wanted out of my life. I wanted a career, a family, and I wanted to travel. I have a career, but it was set back substantially because of my ex's education and career goals, and his desire not to move, none of which was on the table when we got married. I did not travel at all when I was with him, and eventually left when I realized we weren't going to have kids. H refused to work at any job that wasn't related to music, which meant that he never made a full-time salary, so we never had enough money for travel, kids, a reasonable housing scenario, etc. Meanwhile, he basically took me and my goals for granted. My current boyfriend is awesome. He doesn't take me for granted. He got me a birthday gift, and we actually go on fun dates and have already started making plans to travel. He writes, but has never made any money at it. Instead he has a full-time job doing something he hates but makes okay money at. It has taken him a long time to get to this point in his life, though. He recently got his bachelor's degree in history and would like to go on for his PhD. I want to be supportive, and I think it's a completely doable goal if he wants to pursue it. But I'm terrified that I'm going to find myself back in the same old place. How do I be supportive and help him achieve his goals while still making sure I get the things I need to be happy in life? Btw, this post is not in any way about my affair. Please do not bring this back to that topic, as this is not what I'm asking about at all. Edited July 17, 2015 by compulsivedancer
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Why does anything you do have to revolve around what he does? If you want to travel, then travel...he doesn't have to be there. If you want kids, then have them, you don't need to have a man around to raise a kid. You have a career, you can support yourself, so you don't need to depend on a man to live your life. If he can't fit into your future goals then stop dating guys like this and get a move on. 2
yxalitis Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Why is your career "Set back" by either the ex, or the new guy? Whatever support you give, limit it so you're own life goals are compromised. As long as YOU can earn a good wage , and he earns something OK...you should be fine...right? TELL HIM THIS NOW! A PHD...in history...Good Grief...
todreaminblue Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 hey dancer, have you made your dreams and hopes known? you stated you have made plans to travel together ....true? i think a compromise could easily be reached where you follow both dreams.....maybe a timing thing where you have specific goals and planning in place......theres nothing wrong with mapping a dream or hopes.....it makes that dream or hopes,in my mind...just a dream ....a tangible future...smilin...follow your heart and if you are with a guy who doesnt take you for granted your dreams should be as important.....and i know if you truly love someone....dreams become each others dreams to achieve...good luck and best wishes.....deb
Grumpybutfun Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Hi CD, I missed a lot since I've been gone, huh? The best thing to do IMHO is to take it very slow and make sure that you do not lose yourself, your hopes or your dreams by trying to mesh with another person. Be more willing to let go as soon as you see the red flags that you know to be indicators that you aren't compatible. The writer seems to be doing things the right way by working for money and writing for love. Furthering education is always a good thing and I'm addicted to college so I have many degrees (few in history.) I love it but I'm also practical enough to know that Engineering pays the bills and affords my wife and I opportunities to travel extensively, live the quality of life we want and to retire earlier. I get that you like creative types but you are afraid that the same focus on his goals and career will result from a future with someone who needs extra support. I agree. It is a concern because life is unstable and sometimes in a relationship you need to know you don't have to carry all the logical practical stuff alone. Take things slowly, and listen to your gut. Trust your instincts and don't be afraid to tackle life and your hopes and dreams by yourself. Travel with family or friends....make your life what you want right now as opposed to waiting for a man to do it with you. I if you figure out who you want to be and what you really want in life and already have that vision set firmly in your mind, it will be easier to keep that vision in a relationship. I hope this helps, Grumps Edited July 17, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 1
jen1447 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 CD, can you elaborate on how his goal to get his PhD would impact your life goals directly? I mean like in a practical sense, not so much if it were a philosophical misalignment of priorities and that sort of thing. I'm not exceptionally familiar w/your situation.
xxoo Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Make your plans and live your life. Trust that he'll let you know if he has conflicting plans. Be sure to expect the same from, and do the same for, him. Don't try to change him. Don't bend until you break to stay with him. Consider what you can truly accept, and let they be your guide. 2
newmoon Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 degree in history? phd in history? yep, i dated that guy. a complete loser with no ability to make money. smart, but useless.
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 degree in history? phd in history? yep, i dated that guy. a complete loser with no ability to make money. smart, but useless. Hey now, I have an MA in linguistics. I had originally intended to get a PhD. He would make a heck of a history professor, and I could care less about having a lot of money. I just want someone intelligent and interesting. If he can be happy with what he's doing, that's a huge plus. As long we have enough money to live the way we want to, and I don't end up supporting anyone again, that's the important part. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 CD, can you elaborate on how his goal to get his PhD would impact your life goals directly? I mean like in a practical sense, not so much if it were a philosophical misalignment of priorities and that sort of thing. I'm not exceptionally familiar w/your situation. It should not impact me directly in any way. But having a broke boyfriend has the potential to affect me in a variety of ways.
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It should not impact me directly in any way. But having a broke boyfriend has the potential to affect me in a variety of ways. Then tell HIM this....
newmoon Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Hey now, I have an MA in linguistics. I had originally intended to get a PhD. He would make a heck of a history professor, and I could care less about having a lot of money. I just want someone intelligent and interesting. If he can be happy with what he's doing, that's a huge plus. As long we have enough money to live the way we want to, and I don't end up supporting anyone again, that's the important part. how many history professor openings are there? oh right... NONE. employment opportunity = zero. he won't be making money, so if you're afraid of the same path as before then don't take this road...
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 how many history professor openings are there? oh right... NONE. employment opportunity = zero. he won't be making money, so if you're afraid of the same path as before then don't take this road... But if he's willing to work while pursuing it, what difference does it make? Actually, my question is not about him. It's about me. He is not my ex, and I don't want to be crazy. Right now, he is a great addition to my life, with potential for something longer term. I don't see this as a red flag. But I don't know if I can keep myself from falling into those patterns. My ex didn't ask for much of what I gave up for him. I just gave him something here, something there until there wasn't anything left for me. I don't even think he realized I was doing it. How do I keep MYSELF from doing this again?
Grumpybutfun Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 But if he's willing to work while pursuing it, what difference does it make? Actually, my question is not about him. It's about me. He is not my ex, and I don't want to be crazy. Right now, he is a great addition to my life, with potential for something longer term. I don't see this as a red flag. But I don't know if I can keep myself from falling into those patterns. My ex didn't ask for much of what I gave up for him. I just gave him something here, something there until there wasn't anything left for me. I don't even think he realized I was doing it. How do I keep MYSELF from doing this again? I think there is something very telling in that you know you are a giver. You obviously like men who need you and that could be for a myriad of reasons. Father? Culture? Mother? Messages by religion or society on what it means to be a nurturer? I honestly don't know in your case, but it is always about something external that we internalize when we make decisions for our lives based on what we need to rectify or to fix. When you figure out why you need to validate the men you are with by building them up while ignoring or putting aside your own needs, then you can stop yourself from reacting to that stimuli. Best, Grumps 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I think there is something very telling in that you know you are a giver. You obviously like men who need you and that could be for a myriad of reasons. Father? Culture? Mother? Messages by religion or society on what it means to be a nurturer? I honestly don't know in your case, but it is always about something external that we internalize when we make decisions for our lives based on what we need to rectify or to fix. When you figure out why you need to validate the men you are with by building them up while ignoring or putting aside your own needs, then you can stop yourself from reacting to that stimuli. Best, Grumps I guess I just thought this was what you do when you're in a relationship. I just thought that I'd make him happy, and he'd reciprocate. But on the big stuff, it was always me making the sacrifices, and he never seemed to notice. Then when I wanted something more out of life, he acted like I'd be screwing up his life if I pursued it. I don't think of myself as a giver. I have had to learn generosity as I've gotten older. My tendency, I think, is to be selfish, and so I always thought I was growing up and being a good wife in these scenarios.
No_Go Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Ohhhh compulsive dancer..... I hear you so well. From the time that I start dating I had these guys with ambitions, seeing me as an ATM while they chase life dreams (or make a dent on my couch) My first two relationships were that. Now I am with a man who can support himself but honestly, does not plan financially too well.... And I am over 30 now, hoping for kids&house while it is still an option.... And have NO idea how to communicate this with him since we're dating from a few months only (and I don't know is it real or i am SCARED from my past experiences). Advice: check your priorities, set requirements and deadlines for your needs to be met, and go from there. But if he's willing to work while pursuing it, what difference does it make? Actually, my question is not about him. It's about me. He is not my ex, and I don't want to be crazy. Right now, he is a great addition to my life, with potential for something longer term. I don't see this as a red flag. But I don't know if I can keep myself from falling into those patterns. My ex didn't ask for much of what I gave up for him. I just gave him something here, something there until there wasn't anything left for me. I don't even think he realized I was doing it. How do I keep MYSELF from doing this again? 1
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