daisyfay Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm trying to understand something subsequently as my story has been closed. Maybe someone who has been in a similar situation can provide some clarity... I’m a 42-year-old language teacher, I work in a language school and I have some private students. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 7 years, we’ve been together for 10 years.Unfortunately we have no plans for the future. I have initiated some talks about it, he says he understands me but that’s all he can provide now, he thinks we can’t afford a wedding and a house with a garden (this is one of my dreams, as I love gardening and pets). Anyway he is a great man, he is always there when I need him, but no future vision. This was the situation when I fell in love with one of my private students last year. He was my student for almost 4 years. He is divorced. I immediately felt some chemistry between us but I knew he was in a relationship and so was I. We talked a lot about different topics (as this is my job) and he developed some special trust towards me, he even told me some confidential business issues. Besides we discovered that we were instant soulmates. At the beginning of 2014 he mentioned that his relationship had finished almost a year before and a bit later I felt he started to send some very subtle signals that he is attracted (once even brought me back a very special gift from his holiday as he remembered one of our conversations.) Earlier he was sad and a bit depressed but he changed a lot. Once he said others had also realized that he was different and laughed a lot more. It was obvious that we bonded emotionally, I know I impacted him and I made him feel great. He said that. I am sure he made a clear association in his mind linking these positive feelings to me. I changed too, around November I recognized that I was in love. But I wanted to take things slowly and I never ever chase men! I didn’t want to cheat and I definitely didn’t want a love triangle but I couldn’t deny my feelings. I was helpless. I just waited to find out if that feeling was mutual. Around Christmas he started to text me at the weekends and later on weekdays after lessons. At the beginning of February he confessed he loved me, he wrote I was special and that he had become an “addict”. (He just wrote it in a text message and I know this should have been told me in private.) Some days later while he was sitting opposite me he just stood up and came over to me, sat down by my side, held my hand and kissed me. I have never seen such a happy man! He confessed his feelings, anyway I remember he was really surprised because he thought I was married but I told him we just cohabited with my boyfriend. Some days later he started to talk about a weekend getaway with me and mentioned some future plans. I knew I had to split up with my boyfriend as soon as possible as I didn’t want any games. Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s father died that weekend and because of this I had to postpone the talk as this would have been really tactless in that situation. And that weekend the man I was in love with subtly changed. I immediately felt that from the tone he used. He was distant, but the week after when we met he was kind and gave me an expensive present for Valentine’s Day. I found it very surprising and a bit embarassing after such a short history together. But he insisted so I accepted it. We talked a lot and kissed, he was really loving. I mentioned to him that I have an illness (uterine fybrosis) which is OK and controlled, I take special medicine and I can absolutely lead a normal, ordinary lifestyle. He said he could accept it, no problem. And then came the silence for 3 days, he didn’t write a single word and I didn’t write either because on one hand we had the funeral and on the other as I said I never chase men. When we met I asked if I had said or done something wrong. He said no, nothing at all, he said: “I just feel that you need a child later on and I don’t want a child.” (I had never brought up this topic!) I told him that I like children although they are not the centre of my universe. I would be satisfied with a happy relationship and considering my age and my health issue having a child might not be possible anymore. Then he said : “One of my ex-girlfriends had the same health issue, she was operated on several times and finally she became totally hysterical as she wanted a child but I didn’t.” Finally he said that as I was in a relationship, the timing was not OK and he said we didn’t have a real chance to get to know each other. This last one I didn’t understand. We create chances for ourselves, don’t we? He never even asked me out for lunch or at least for a walk and only showed some photos of his house. And I definitely wanted to leave my boyfriend, he knew that! That evening he looked quite stressed and trapped. I had the feeling that he made excuses and there must be a missing link. I somehow felt (and still feel) that he held back a part of the truth. I know I was guilty because I was in a relationship but it can happen in life that the right person walks in at a wrong time. But if he had been serious he should have said something like: “I love you but I can’t go on like this, fix your problems and when you are ready, I will be here.” He knew exactly that I had a boyfriend so using that as an excuse was not really fair in the way he used that. He encouraged me with his behaviour and he initiated the whole thing. (Anyway, once he revealed that he had been cheated on by his ex-wife for quite a long time, that was why they divorced and there was a lot of drama in their life and that he was fed up with it. Besides he mentioned time by time that he had a plan of living in an Asian country for a while in the future. So again we met at a wrong time...) We finally agreed that we would think it over and maybe we would talk about it later. Our lessons went on until the end of May. I leaned back as much as I could. I never blamed him, never complained or asked questions, never begged and I didn’t initiate any text messages after February, neither did he (except twice, when he cancelled two lessons). Somehow I feel that he was surprised by my reaction and the way I handled rejection. I just held the usual lessons. The lessons were great again, we made a great progress, I was able to make him smile and laugh, he kept telling me some compliments again. Every day when he left he took one last, long look at me and many times I had the feeling that he wanted to talk to me but it never happened. One evening in April I told him that I understood if he had some bad experience in the past and I understood if he was scared of a new relationship.He said yes, he had had many problems with his ex-wife and girlfriends. Besides this we never mentioned what had happened between us. I realised his mood swings and sometimes he showed the signs of depression. Once he said “I’m afraid of happiness because whenever I’m happy the next day something bad happens to me”. I think it’s his self-fulfilling prophecy… Many times he was very kind and I felt respected e.g. he didn’t know when my birthday was, I never told him, but he managed to find out (not from FB as I’m not registered) and unexpectedly he said Happy Birthday to me. I was really surprised! He made some efforts and that was not the first time. BUT WHY? Can someone help me understand why a man invests energy in a woman if he’s not truly interested? (I still can’t believe that someone is able to pretend that level of attraction he showed to me and I can't believe the whole thing was a lie.) What was his interest in all this for more than a year? He never initiated more than just kisses. Why did he go to such length and change his mind so suddenly? But I know there are so many possible explanations... I know I made a mistake when I continued the lessons with him in February. I should have let him go. And I know if he had been the right person, we would have been together regardless of how wrong the timing was because he would have waited for me. Love always wins. (Real love, I mean.) I’ve had a new job since June so I had to cancel all my private lessons and I said goodbye to him, as well. He looked surprised and disappointed but I couldn’t do any better because of my new time schedule. I have developed some insomnia recently. I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t help but start thinking what the hell was going on here. My problem is not being refused but being refused DESPITE that level of attraction and the scenario we shared with this man. Thank you for your answer and sorry for my grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.
Fleur de cactus Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 SO the student lover is through the school? or your private student? Anyway, I do not know what country you live in, and I know that you cannot stop love especially when you are both adults. My questions is " dont you have boundaries , and respect of ethical behavior related to teacher/student relationship? I am referring to teaching someone and kissing him. I am not judging anyone, I am only wondering. 1
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm trying to understand something subsequently as my story has been closed. Maybe someone who has been in a similar situation can provide some clarity... I’m a 42-year-old language teacher, I work in a language school and I have some private students. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 7 years, we’ve been together for 10 years.Unfortunately we have no plans for the future. I have initiated some talks about it, he says he understands me but that’s all he can provide now, he thinks we can’t afford a wedding and a house with a garden (this is one of my dreams, as I love gardening and pets). Anyway he is a great man, he is always there when I need him, but no future vision. This was the situation when I fell in love with one of my private students last year. He was my student for almost 4 years. He is divorced. I immediately felt some chemistry between us but I knew he was in a relationship and so was I. We talked a lot about different topics (as this is my job) and he developed some special trust towards me, he even told me some confidential business issues. Besides we discovered that we were instant soulmates. At the beginning of 2014 he mentioned that his relationship had finished almost a year before and a bit later I felt he started to send some very subtle signals that he is attracted (once even brought me back a very special gift from his holiday as he remembered one of our conversations.) Earlier he was sad and a bit depressed but he changed a lot. Once he said others had also realized that he was different and laughed a lot more. It was obvious that we bonded emotionally, I know I impacted him and I made him feel great. He said that. I am sure he made a clear association in his mind linking these positive feelings to me. I changed too, around November I recognized that I was in love. But I wanted to take things slowly and I never ever chase men! I didn’t want to cheat and I definitely didn’t want a love triangle but I couldn’t deny my feelings. I was helpless. I just waited to find out if that feeling was mutual. Around Christmas he started to text me at the weekends and later on weekdays after lessons. At the beginning of February he confessed he loved me, he wrote I was special and that he had become an “addict”. (He just wrote it in a text message and I know this should have been told me in private.) Some days later while he was sitting opposite me he just stood up and came over to me, sat down by my side, held my hand and kissed me. I have never seen such a happy man! He confessed his feelings, anyway I remember he was really surprised because he thought I was married but I told him we just cohabited with my boyfriend. Some days later he started to talk about a weekend getaway with me and mentioned some future plans. I knew I had to split up with my boyfriend as soon as possible as I didn’t want any games. Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s father died that weekend and because of this I had to postpone the talk as this would have been really tactless in that situation. And that weekend the man I was in love with subtly changed. I immediately felt that from the tone he used. He was distant, but the week after when we met he was kind and gave me an expensive present for Valentine’s Day. I found it very surprising and a bit embarassing after such a short history together. But he insisted so I accepted it. We talked a lot and kissed, he was really loving. I mentioned to him that I have an illness (uterine fybrosis) which is OK and controlled, I take special medicine and I can absolutely lead a normal, ordinary lifestyle. He said he could accept it, no problem. And then came the silence for 3 days, he didn’t write a single word and I didn’t write either because on one hand we had the funeral and on the other as I said I never chase men. When we met I asked if I had said or done something wrong. He said no, nothing at all, he said: “I just feel that you need a child later on and I don’t want a child.” (I had never brought up this topic!) I told him that I like children although they are not the centre of my universe. I would be satisfied with a happy relationship and considering my age and my health issue having a child might not be possible anymore. Then he said : “One of my ex-girlfriends had the same health issue, she was operated on several times and finally she became totally hysterical as she wanted a child but I didn’t.” Finally he said that as I was in a relationship, the timing was not OK and he said we didn’t have a real chance to get to know each other. This last one I didn’t understand. We create chances for ourselves, don’t we? He never even asked me out for lunch or at least for a walk and only showed some photos of his house. And I definitely wanted to leave my boyfriend, he knew that! That evening he looked quite stressed and trapped. I had the feeling that he made excuses and there must be a missing link. I somehow felt (and still feel) that he held back a part of the truth. I know I was guilty because I was in a relationship but it can happen in life that the right person walks in at a wrong time. But if he had been serious he should have said something like: “I love you but I can’t go on like this, fix your problems and when you are ready, I will be here.” He knew exactly that I had a boyfriend so using that as an excuse was not really fair in the way he used that. He encouraged me with his behaviour and he initiated the whole thing. (Anyway, once he revealed that he had been cheated on by his ex-wife for quite a long time, that was why they divorced and there was a lot of drama in their life and that he was fed up with it. Besides he mentioned time by time that he had a plan of living in an Asian country for a while in the future. So again we met at a wrong time...) We finally agreed that we would think it over and maybe we would talk about it later. Our lessons went on until the end of May. I leaned back as much as I could. I never blamed him, never complained or asked questions, never begged and I didn’t initiate any text messages after February, neither did he (except twice, when he cancelled two lessons). Somehow I feel that he was surprised by my reaction and the way I handled rejection. I just held the usual lessons. The lessons were great again, we made a great progress, I was able to make him smile and laugh, he kept telling me some compliments again. Every day when he left he took one last, long look at me and many times I had the feeling that he wanted to talk to me but it never happened. One evening in April I told him that I understood if he had some bad experience in the past and I understood if he was scared of a new relationship.He said yes, he had had many problems with his ex-wife and girlfriends. Besides this we never mentioned what had happened between us. I realised his mood swings and sometimes he showed the signs of depression. Once he said “I’m afraid of happiness because whenever I’m happy the next day something bad happens to me”. I think it’s his self-fulfilling prophecy… Many times he was very kind and I felt respected e.g. he didn’t know when my birthday was, I never told him, but he managed to find out (not from FB as I’m not registered) and unexpectedly he said Happy Birthday to me. I was really surprised! He made some efforts and that was not the first time. BUT WHY? Can someone help me understand why a man invests energy in a woman if he’s not truly interested? (I still can’t believe that someone is able to pretend that level of attraction he showed to me and I can't believe the whole thing was a lie.) What was his interest in all this for more than a year? He never initiated more than just kisses. Why did he go to such length and change his mind so suddenly? But I know there are so many possible explanations... I know I made a mistake when I continued the lessons with him in February. I should have let him go. And I know if he had been the right person, we would have been together regardless of how wrong the timing was because he would have waited for me. Love always wins. (Real love, I mean.) I’ve had a new job since June so I had to cancel all my private lessons and I said goodbye to him, as well. He looked surprised and disappointed but I couldn’t do any better because of my new time schedule. I have developed some insomnia recently. I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t help but start thinking what the hell was going on here. My problem is not being refused but being refused DESPITE that level of attraction and the scenario we shared with this man. Thank you for your answer and sorry for my grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.Your English is plenty fine. That sounds like one weird bird you've got there. At the age of 40-something, he should know that he didn't have to back off because of your boyfriend. I can understand some disappointment around the timing of the funeral, but that could have been handled in a week or two. The whole thing with projecting his ex's desires on you and fear of taking action, relationships, and happiness and whatever else, and the rest of that juvenile stuff is, well, juvenile and not befitting a man of his age. I think that before long, you would have tired of all of that. It seems tolerable in small doses, but in everyday life, it is a terrible thing to have to live with.
Author daisyfay Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 You are absolutely right regarding the boundaries. If someone else told me this story, I would ask her about boundaries and ethical behaviour, too. (Anyway he was my private student, of course not through the language school. After the second year he was rather a friend than a student.) The whole situation was completely unusual to me, I didn't know what to do. This was not how I imagined the beginning of a new relationship. I always thought this kind of love could happen only in some movies. My original idea was that sooner or later we would finish our lessons and after the teacher-student relationship was ended this man would ask me out if our feelings were reciprocal. He initiated something more, a bit too early, while I was still his teacher and still in a relationship. It just happened, I know I was week and guilty but for the love I was feeling I do not want to apologize. What happened was a very good lesson to me, anyway.
Author daisyfay Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I was WEAK and guilty... Sorry, as I said I sometimes make grammar or spelling mistakes..
Author daisyfay Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 You are right mightycpa, the way he handled the entire situation was immature and juvenile. He made efforts to get close to me and immediately after that he kept backing up. To me it doesn't make sense and that's why I feel that there must be a missing link. And yes, I had the feeling that he projected his problems from his past on me. I would have deserved one real chance. Once he confessed that he had never let anyone else come so close emotionally and I'm disappointed that even that emotional bond was not enough to build a relationship. Anyway I have some possible explanations why he behaved that way but all I have is question marks and theories.
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I have some possible explanations why he behaved that way but all I have is question marks and theories.Does it matter? What if he's immature vs. he's scarred vs. it's cultural? What difference does it make? None. What matters is that this style is not one that fits with you. That's enough for you to know what to do.
Author daisyfay Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 It's true, it doesn't make any difference. It doesn't matter why he did what he did because whatever his reason was it doesn't change the reality that he handled the situation in a childish way. But...I'm a thinking type and for me it would be easier to accept the reality and facts if I understood the motivation behind his decision. Besides this I feel I would have deserved a decent explanation and a talk. What's more painful than being left is knowing I was not worth a honest explanation. It hurts a lot.
Morphine Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Uhm. Are you still with your boyfriend of 10 years? Are you IN love with him? If yes, and he is IN love with you, you must talk to him seriously about the future. If NO, if you dont love him, then can you please break up with him? My ex was not in love with me for the past 3 years. Guess how this makes me feel? GIGS. That is all I can say. You lost attraction towards your boyfriend (for whatever reason) and deflected to someone who provably treated you as REBOUND. I know he divorced a year ago, but it does not mean you are not his reboubd. If he really loved, he would have fought for you harder. Remember to break up with you current boyfriend. Im sure he would hate to be 2nd option.
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