My stages of healing after a break-up

[JackJackxD]

I just can't seem to be able to fall sleep tonight, so I guess I will visit this forum again. I started re-reading my own blogs/diaries, and it is interesting to see that there are distinct stages of moods for me after my break-up. The tones, the content are so different. I heard that different people have different stages, and it would be great to hear about your stages of break-up too! In general, the five stages of break up are as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I'm almost 95% over my Ex. This is quite a long read since it is basically a summary of what I've went through in the last 10 months, I will try to keep it as short as possible though! So here are my stages of healing after a break-up.

 

Stage 1: Bargaining

This is around mid-September 2014, and I just got dumped by my Ex. I was doing everything I could to get her back. I wrote a really long list of things that I've done wrong and what I will do to change. Then I linked her to those blogs, tried to convince her to give me another chance. I even filmed myself playing love songs on a guitar and sent her the videos! (Thinking back it was so embarrassing). I've never stooped so low in my life, I reasoned and begged, and basically threw away every last fragment of my self-respect. I guess this is why she trampled over me for the next 9 months. I was so lost at this stage of my life. Everything was about HER, and getting her back. I didn't care about education, family, or even friends. I just wanted her back. I was willing to do anything for that. I wanted to find out exactly what is going on in her mind, and how she felt about me. I kept showing my friends her Facebook statuses and our messages to ask them what they think she really meant. At the end of the day, she meant exactly what she told me. She just didn't want to be with me anymore. There is nothing behind those words. So my advice to everyone out there is, take things as literally as possible. Do not start guessing on what she thinks/what she meant, because it is a waste of time.

 

Stage 2: Self encouragement

I first dipped into this stage at around November, two months after my break-up. At this point, I pretty much realised that no matter how much hard I tried getting her back she won't come back. My blog/diary was filled with "Moving on" quotes and I wrote about how things are going to be better eventually. I wrote about how I've moved on already and life will be better without her, but that wasn't how I truly felt. Thinking back, perhaps the reason why I wrote all those self-motivation blogs was because I wasn't quite sure whether I would be alright or not.

 

Stage 3: Self pity and depression

I was stuck in this stage from December to the end of February. One of the main reason that this lasted so long was because of the fact that Christmas, her birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's day were all in those three months. Each of those served as a reminder that I no longer have her by my side, and that I was....alone. I blogged a lot of depressing posts, about the relationship, about her, about just generally about the negatives of life. I even skipped University for almost 2 weeks because I couldn't bear seeing her face. I was drinking a lot, and didn't want to do anything. Basically, I was an emotional mess.

 

Stage 4: False acceptance

From March till June, I kept telling myself that I was over her. I repeated the same things in my head over and over again to convince myself that, but I knew deep down that it wasn't the case. My blogs were mostly about work (exam season), and the false conclusions that I've reached. I had this one blog which basically said that she didn't love me at all, and that was the reason why she ended the relationship. I thought I knew exactly what happened between the two of us, but now I know that that wasn't the case. At this stage I still had some lingering false hope, but thankfully there were exams. I occupied myself with a heavy workload, and even most of the blogs were about my career and education. I don't know what other stupid things I would've done if not for those exams that I had to prepare for.

 

Stage 5: New Chapter

This is from mid-June to now, and has been exactly 10 months since our break-up. The reason why I didn't name this stage "Acceptance" is because I think a lot more happened than mere acceptance. It feels great to be where I am right now.

 

Let's talk about the relationship aspect first. I no longer have false hope in getting back together, because I don't wish for that right now. For me, if it happens then it happens, if it doesn't then I'm fine with it too. In mid-June, I decided to reconnect with her after my exams. I sent out a text asking how she feels about us talking again, and I told her that she doesn't need to reply if she does not feel the same. She did not reply. That, was the response that I expected. I reached out to her bearing in mind that she may never respond, or even worse - respond coldly. I was fine with whatever outcome. After that, I've finally the things that I should've done a long time ago. I cleared out old gifts, cards, deleted any pictures or messages. I no longer wondered about how her life was because it isn't relevant to me anymore. I started caring about my life. I no longer blamed myself for the break-up. Even till recently, my Ex seems to have been blaming me for the entire break-up. She kept telling our mutual friends that I wasted her time, and nothing good came out of it. Perhaps I should've stood more firmly at the beginning rather than accepting all the blames and acting like a puppy who wants a treat. Maybe then she wouldn't have trampled all over me. I recently wrote a blog named "The things I should've said to her", and it outlined her side of the problems in the relationship. I know now that a relationship is a two-way street. I wasn't the bad guy and she wasn't the victim. It appears that she read my blog post a few days ago, which is a huge relief for me. I don't feel like I've "won", because there is nothing to be won. Instead, I feel relieved because she knew how I truly felt about the relationship.

 

The reason why I said I'm 95% over her is that there are still things that gets to me. Things such as her pictures, our old messages...etc. Seeing those still makes my heart tingle, but I'm not ashamed of that. It just shows me that what we had was real, and we really did care for each other. I don't think any normal person can completely disregard and forget everything about someone that they had a serious relationship with. I know that I still care for her, but just not the same way. If anything bad was to happen to her, it would make me feel upset too. But I've learnt to care for myself, so I would prioritize myself over her any day.

 

Now I'm going to talk about the rest. Since the breakup, I've grown a lot. I've became more mature, more hard-working, much more sensitive about other people's feelings..etc. Looking back, it does give me a really good sense of accomplishment. The effort that I put into changing myself really did pay off, even though they were for the wrong reasons (mainly to get her back). Although my grades were lower than I expected, they were still decent I guess, so I'm happy. Now, I'm even starting to look for a new relationship, but I'm taking things slow, one baby-step at a time. I'm started flirting with a girl that I knew for 6 years, and it feels great to be back in the game again. All the texts, phone calls...the guessing, the flirting...etc. Although I don't expect anything serious to come out of this, it is refreshing!

 

 

So that's everything I wanted to share with you guys. I am interested in hearing about what you guys went through! Feel free to ask any questions, I would be happy to reply. Thanks for reading, and good day/night I guess! :-D

[Dela]

hello your post gave me hope. i m almost on the "way" to break up with my "boyfriend" after 8 months... he is married... the pain is the same, it s still a break up, but it s something i need to do for myself.

congratulations for moving on, i know things will be good in the end. but i m scared about all i will have to go thru to get where u are right now. my relationship was not meant to be. maybe it s too complicated, maybe he just doesn t love me enough to make a change, who knows?

i don t feel good, but a break up is a break up, single, married, doesn t matter.

the pain in my heart feels the same as any other pain...

[Cirilla]

Very good post. Those stages are much more accurate than the cliched denial/anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance ones.

[aloneinaz]

I have to say, you've really put a lot of thought into this post. I agree with the different stages people go thru after getting dumped as well.

 

 

I need to challenge you though in saying you're 95% over her/the R/S? The fact that you sent her a text recently illustrates that.

 

 

If you were over her, you'd NOT be posting these long threads about you're healing from the process 10 months after she dumped you. You'd of gone NC from her after trying to get her back after the first month. You'd of then started dating and maybe even have a new GF 10 months later. Have you dated since this last relationship ended? If not, how come?

 

 

This isn't meant to be harsh towards you but to provide a different perspective on how many will view your post.

 

 

I'll add my time line from my last R/S where she dumped me.

 

 

Month 1- Even though the R/S was terrible and she was a nightmare, I was hurt and shocked that she ended us. I should of dumped her long ago. The first month I couldn't eat much nor sleep. Was in denial, angry, pissed, etc..

 

 

Month 2- I started eating again and my sleep returned. I PROMISED myself she'd NEVER hear from me again. I walked out of her place after she ended us and she NEVER heard from me again. At the end of month 2, I was 100% sure I'd NEVER date that woman again and joined a dating site.

 

 

Month 3- I started dating again casually. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the company of the opposite sex and the attention. It got me out of the house and reminded me that there were plenty of women who were attracted to me and would appreciate what I brought to the table.

 

 

Month 4- I reached the FULL acceptance stage that I was an idiot to have put up with her nonsense for as long as I did. I forgave myself. I was still dating and having fun again. The ex was falling farther from my mind.

 

 

Month 5- I met a girl I really liked and we started dating casually. By the end of month 5, we both agreed to only date each other to see where it took us.

 

 

Month 6- The nightmare ex reappeared. Begging for another chance. Missed me, blah, blah.. Was told no.

 

 

By the end of 6 months, the ex was fully in my rear view mirror. When I thought of her, the thoughts were what was wrong with me that I put up with her BS for so long. My thoughts were also of all the hell she put me through.

 

 

Two plus years later, I'm still with my GF who lives with me. I rarely think of this last ex. When I do, it's kind of a simply for her cause she does have some serious issues. I'm glad I experienced the nightmare of her as it allowed me to learn more about myself and what I needed to work on. I'm also VERY grateful that she ended it when I couldn't as it allowed me to meet my now GF who I'm lucky to have in my life.

[JackJackxD]

hello your post gave me hope. i m almost on the "way" to break up with my "boyfriend" after 8 months... he is married... the pain is the same, it s still a break up, but it s something i need to do for myself.

congratulations for moving on, i know things will be good in the end. but i m scared about all i will have to go thru to get where u are right now. my relationship was not meant to be. maybe it s too complicated, maybe he just doesn t love me enough to make a change, who knows?

i don t feel good, but a break up is a break up, single, married, doesn t matter.

the pain in my heart feels the same as any other pain...

 

Hey, don't worry about it. We all get better eventually. It hurts because the love was real. The only thing we can do is to continue living our lives and reflect on what has happened.

[JackJackxD]

I need to challenge you though in saying you're 95% over her/the R/S? The fact that you sent her a text recently illustrates that.

 

If you were over her, you'd NOT be posting these long threads about you're healing from the process 10 months after she dumped you. You'd of gone NC from her after trying to get her back after the first month. You'd of then started dating and maybe even have a new GF 10 months later. Have you dated since this last relationship ended? If not, how come?

 

The reason why I sent her the text was because I wanted to test the waters, as well as I want to find out where we stand. We go to the same university and I'm just tired of making the extra effort to avoid each other. Truthfully, I was fine with her not responding.

 

There are plenty of people coming back here to post about their new relationship successes/moving on successes, so I figured I could do the same! Also, I began NC 3 months after the break-up. It was until 6 months later that I broke it.

 

As for the dating issue....I just couldn't find anyone that interests me. I wasn't putting myself on hold to grief the relationship. There was one particular girl that appeared physically attractive to me, but the more I talked to her the more "turned-off" I was. Then there are exams that I have to deal with, so I poured 3 months into preparing for those. It was only until recently that I got back in touch with this long term friend of mine, and I could feel the sparks between us.

 

Month 4- I reached the FULL acceptance stage that I was an idiot to have put up with her nonsense for as long as I did. I forgave myself. I was still dating and having fun again. The ex was falling farther from my mind.

 

I feel exactly the same as you too! Thinking back, I have no idea how I put up with her for 2.5 years. I literally got trampled over and over again and I didn't do anything about it. I guess I dodged a bullet with this one. xD