Loose Wife?

July 16, 2015

You're starting to sound like a bit of a scary person, frankly. I'm more concerned for her than you at this point.

I agree!!

She hides info from him because she's probably scared of how he will react if she mentions it, we can all see in black and white here how he speaks abusively about his wife...I can only imagine how he talks (screams) at/to her. I wouldn't mind betting he's violent too.

OP- let your poor wife go, she deserves better.

July 17, 2015

You're starting to sound like a bit of a scary person, frankly. I'm more concerned for her than you at this point.

If you take a look at my original question all I was interested in knowing was if I am the only person who thinks she's not telling the truth. I tried to summarize what I thought I heard from you and that makes me scary?

I am quite sure that my words I have chosen sound horrible to you and others and I would be the FIRST to agree. It's a sad situation and unfortunately that is where I am after years of lies and years of cover ups and years of counseling. Unfortunately I cannot explain my last xx years on this forum.

It is also easy to say "leave" "let her go" "diverse" etc etc etc. When you have invested so much and have 4 kids that is not an easy option. All I EVER wanted was the truth and that has been hard to come by. A good marriage is based on honesty - something that comes very difficult for her.

I respect your opinion and that of others and that is what this forum is all about.

July 17, 2015

Until you let go of this, you will continue to be angry and miserable.

Nothing she might do or say, will satisfy you, because you will still not believe that you have all of the truth. You won't, because you can't.

The true source of your misery is inside you.

Until you accept that, nothing will change for the better.

July 17, 2015

So basically you broke up, and she handled it differently than you. She slept with someone else and you didn't.

Granted, she lied to you about what happened WHEN YOU WERE BROKEN UP, but frankly, the way you seem to talk and act, I'd probably lie to you as well.

The fact of the matter is, what are you going to do now? You broke up and she slept with someone else. If you can't move past that, then you shouldn't be together.

If you're looking for someone to say she shouldn't have slept with someone when you broke up and lied about it........then sure. It shouldn't have happened. Based on what you wanted.

What I was looking for was for you to read what I wrote and to help me understand. Obviously it's more fun for you and others to kick someone who already feels beaten down. All I wanted to know is how is it possible to say she never wanted to be with this guy, wanted this guy to go away (please read original post) yet she did NOTHING to stop it and only seemed to encourage it. If she had said "I banged this guy because he was hot!" that would match the events that night and I would have a lot more respect for her than what she has tried to blow up my a$$. I think you missed the boat.

July 17, 2015

Why has this become such a hot button for you, deserving of three threads, after SEVENTEEN years? Something has triggered you. What is it?

Do you want out, and you're looking for a reason?

July 17, 2015

Until you let go of this, you will continue to be angry and miserable.

Nothing she might do or say, will satisfy you, because you will still not believe that you have all of the truth. You won't, because you can't.

The true source of your misery is inside you.

Until you accept that, nothing will change for the better.

Don't you think I know all this? It's not a good place to be in. I still haven't heard your opinion on what my post was after. Let me put it this way. If you weren't interested in another relationship what would cause you to give your number out then agree to meet that person then agree to have that person come over then agree to have that person to spend the night then agree to let that person sleep in your bed then agree to have sex all night with that person? Sound crazy right? If she is NOT lying to me what could be going on here? It's very simple. Am I crazy for thinking that what she is telling me sounds crazy?

July 17, 2015

What I was looking for was for you to read what I wrote and to help me understand. Obviously it's more fun for you and others to kick someone who already feels beaten down. All I wanted to know is how is it possible to say she never wanted to be with this guy, wanted this guy to go away (please read original post) yet she did NOTHING to stop it and only seemed to encourage it. If she had said "I banged this guy because he was hot!" that would match the events that night and I would have a lot more respect for her than what she has tried to blow up my a$$. I think you missed the boat.

SSJROMANCE,

I am for knowing your spouse's sexual past if, and only if, it impacts your present marriage. You seem to fixated on it, and questioning everything with her because she cannot answer your questions to your satisfaction. If she has told you everything, you need to accept it, and stop hounding her. Get into IC if that is what it takes for you to accept her past. If you cannot do this you need to divorce her, as it is not fair to punish her 24/7 for this.

If you are going to ask hard questions, you need to be prepared for hard answers. As it is now, she is in a catch 22, if she does not tell you and you find out you are mad, if she is open with you, you are mad. Look at it from her POV, what is the up side for her?

You are running the risk of her deciding that YOU are not worth it, and driving her out. Take stock of you position, and decide if you want to stay married, as you are heading to divorce, ether by her, or by you.

I wish you luck, but more, I wish you peace of mind.

July 17, 2015

So where did you get the info that refutes what she told you about that night - that she was an unwilling participant? Did you actually speak to the guy she slept with?

I was wondering this as well.

Why has this become such a hot button for you, deserving of three threads, after SEVENTEEN years? Something has triggered you. What is it?

Do you want out, and you're looking for a reason?

So all this was 17 years ago?

July 17, 2015

I was wondering this as well.

So all this was 17 years ago?

From what I gather, yes. They have been married almost that long, and have four kids.

OP, can you answer my two questions?

July 17, 2015

Why has this become such a hot button for you, deserving of three threads, after SEVENTEEN years? Something has triggered you. What is it?

Do you want out, and you're looking for a reason?

Some years back she had private Facebook chats and said inappropriate things behind my back and disrespected our marriage. That has brought up the whole trust issue ONCE AGAIN and along with that this that has never been resolved just buried. I want the truth. Her story sounds crazy. Is there any possible explanation to her crazy story? I want to understand. I NEED to understand. I am the FIRST person besides her that needs to put this behind us.

July 17, 2015

What I was looking for was for you to read what I wrote and to help me understand. Obviously it's more fun for you and others to kick someone who already feels beaten down. All I wanted to know is how is it possible to say she never wanted to be with this guy, wanted this guy to go away (please read original post) yet she did NOTHING to stop it and only seemed to encourage it. If she had said "I banged this guy because he was hot!" that would match the events that night and I would have a lot more respect for her than what she has tried to blow up my a$$. I think you missed the boat.

It seems you are willingly being obtuse... She gave you her reasons and you "rejected" them as not being good enough or what you wanted to hear. You sound controlling, judgmental and extremely angry. Marriage is about forgiveness and compassion and treating another person with respect even if they show you some flaws sometimes. However, in my humble opinion and since you think your wife is loose and a whore for behavior that you didn't approve... Let her go be with someone who can really love her as she is. Nothing she does or says will be enough for you since you reject her and anything she tells you.

Move on,

Grumps

July 17, 2015

Okay, I get it now. You WANT to hear that she's a liar, cheat, loose, and a whore. Okay, she is. You've determined it and referred to her as such, over and over.

So now divorce her.

I hope that's less obtuse, grumps.

July 17, 2015

I'm going to cut the OP some slack here and try to address his concerns because while I am also appalled at the words he is using is describe his wife I can see where his discomfort is coming from.

I think the problem is that the wife is just not owning her choices and that makes her husband question her sincerity and honesty. Why give him this song and dance about having sex with a bunch of men but then pretend it was all against her will? The OP has said a couple of times he would respect her more for being honest and I understand that. I think when they broke up for 6 weeks and he asked her if she had been with anyone else he was entitled to an honest answer. Since when is it okay to lie to your partner just because telling the truth might be unpleasant. I thought people who were planning to spend their lives together were supposed to be honest with each other.

OP since your also have caught your wife in inappropriate situations since you have been married I would suggest that you post this thread on the infidelity board. However if you really do feel that your wife is a lying whore then I would suggest that you end the marriage as your wife deserves somebody who loves and accepts her and you deserve a wife you can respect.

July 17, 2015

Perhaps he was entitled to an honest answer at the time, but that was seventeen years ago. He accepted her then, what has changed? Something in this dynamic has shifted, and not for the better.

If he believes that she has seventeen years of lying consistently to him under her belt, why keep fathering children with her?

July 17, 2015

Well I think he said he has caught her having inappropriate relationships with men since they have been married and she tried to lie and cover those things up too so I can see why he is tying everything together.

July 17, 2015

Well I think he said he has caught her having inappropriate relationships with men since they have been married and she tried to lie and cover those things up too so I can see why he is tying everything together.

Agree, and for his own sanity, he should tie up the loose ends, be gone and start over. I'm sure he's young enough.

July 17, 2015

Some years back she had private Facebook chats and said inappropriate things behind my back and disrespected our marriage. That has brought up the whole trust issue ONCE AGAIN and along with that this that has never been resolved

What she did when you broke up with her isn't important since you weren't together at the time. Now granted her lying about it doesn't help but to me the real issue as the inappropriate texting. That took place while you were married. There's no excuse for that.

July 17, 2015

SSJROMANCE,

I am for knowing your spouse's sexual past if, and only if, it impacts your present marriage. You seem to fixated on it, and questioning everything with her because she cannot answer your questions to your satisfaction. If she has told you everything, you need to accept it, and stop hounding her. Get into IC if that is what it takes for you to accept her past. If you cannot do this you need to divorce her, as it is not fair to punish her 24/7 for this.

If you are going to ask hard questions, you need to be prepared for hard answers. As it is now, she is in a catch 22, if she does not tell you and you find out you are mad, if she is open with you, you are mad. Look at it from her POV, what is the up side for her?

You are running the risk of her deciding that YOU are not worth it, and driving her out. Take stock of you position, and decide if you want to stay married, as you are heading to divorce, ether by her, or by you.

I wish you luck, but more, I wish you peace of mind.

I'm not sure what you meant by if it only impacts my marriage. It has had a hug impact. I never wanted to marry a person who has no problem sleeping with a stranger. Makes me feel filthy quite honestly. What does that tell you about that person? Perhaps this is why she decided to privately chat with guys behind my back. Had I found someone who had morals and values perhaps the Facebook thing wouldn't have happened. Broken trust once again.

I am well aware that she could leave me. Until I understand this it's won't matter one bit to me. I already feel alone.

July 17, 2015

I was wondering this as well.

So all this was 17 years ago?

If the question was how do I know she was a full participant - the evidence of what she told me. She was kissing him she asked him to wear protection she gave him oral they banged all night. How does this sound like she wasn't a participant? I feel like I am in the twilight zone when I talk to her. That's how crazy this all sounds.

This was many years ago an issue that was only buried until recently. Doesn't matter to me how long ago - I still think I deserve a truthful answer.

July 17, 2015

What she did when you broke up with her isn't important since you weren't together at the time. Now granted her lying about it doesn't help but to me the real issue as the inappropriate texting. That took place while you were married. There's no excuse for that.

I couldn't disagree more. If she cannot tell me the truth she is not marriage potential. If she is willing to break trust while dating she is willing to break trust while married. If she is willing to jump into bed with a total stranger that quickly after a breakup what is she willing to do during marriage when the tough gets going?

I won't mention the fact that this guy could have had AIDS or some other STD that not only put herself at risk but now MYSELF at risk by lying to me about her unprotected ONS.

Edited July 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude comment deleted. ~T

July 17, 2015

Ok, let me try to walk you through this....

You and your gf broke up.

She was sad and lonely (maybe drinking) and she had sex with some random guy to make herself feel better because she was sad.

You two got back together.

She knew you would be furious with her for having sex because you have very rigid beliefs about how and whom and when and what for and what color and how come people should have sex. Therefore she lied to you and tried to make it seem as though she wasn't really investing much in the sex.

She did this because you are judgmental and can be very exact on what you want to see or hear. She was scared to lose you. You intimidate her because you are so angry and judgmental.

You forgave her externally but not internally and moved on and married and had four lovely children together and built a life together where she once again did not live up to your expectations by chatting inappropriately to men on the Internet.

Then you got upset and brought up the sex from 17 years ago because you knew that this made you sanctimonious AND gave you leverage to be superior to her since you would never have married her if you would have known all (I'm assuming new stuff came up when questioned again) and you felt duped.

Duped, and betrayed and angry that she wasn't the woman you thought because of her behavior 17 years ago and not being truthful, you questioned her again and she skirted around the issue because, well, she knew, once again how you would react. So she waffled...and you became more and more incensed.

She lied, she had inappropriate flirting on FB or whatever, and then she couldn't tell you an exact reason why....she couldn't tell you that she feels alone and depressed and that you two have drifted apart or whatever reason she can't be honest and feel safe with you by telling you the truth about her actions and her feelings. She knows you do not value her and that you feel it is ok to disparage her by calling her names. Therefore, she knew you would reject anything she says because you would keep saying her excuses, thoughts or feelings were "crazy."

You are angry. You are demanding answers and rejecting them in the same breath because to you they seem "crazy." You call her a whore and say she is loose....and you don't get how maybe you aren't so warm and cuddly and loving that your wife feels safe speaking honestly with you about her mistakes.

Either you forgave her or not...and if you said you did and brought it back up years later then you lied to her about forgiving her. Yes, her flirting is inappropriate and yes, you needed to have a conversation. Yet, you chose to attack her character, bring up something from the past you forgave or pretended to forgive so you could move on, and you did all of this while using language and words that I would knock a man out for even suggesting about my beautiful bride. If you think you were disrespected by flirting, I can't imagine how your sanctimonious ass thinks it is ok to call the mother of your children a whore for something that happened when you weren't even together.

Come at this from a place of forgiveness, understanding and compassion while fixing your marriage or just leave. This hemming and hawing about the semantics of she did this and then this and then that was said forty years past November is just ludicrous and a waste of your time and emotional reserves. Your ego is making you very short sighted and very unkind right now.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited July 17, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

July 17, 2015

I think I kind of know what is bothering you SS.

Your wife might be being mostly honest when she is saying that she wasn't that hot for him and wasn't that keen on getting it on with him.

But here's the catch - that makes her look weak and weak-willed and morally incompetent.

It's hard to respect and admire someone that is weak and morally ambivalent.

I agree with you in that I would have more respect and have an easier time accepting if she was hornier than a 3-balled billy goat and that that this dude was smoke'n hot and she wanted in his knickers real bad.

At least that is going for something she wants and is getting something out of it.

As it stands now, she just sounds weak-willed and morally bankrupt. I have less respect for someone like that because that basically means that any guy that comes along that is willing to apply a little elbow grease is going to eventually get in her pants because she doesn't have the wherewithal to keep her pants on.

July 17, 2015

Ok, let me try to walk you through this....

You and your gf broke up.

She was sad and lonely (maybe drinking) and she had sex with some random guy to make herself feel better because she was sad.

You two got back together.

She knew you would be furious with her for having sex because you have very rigid beliefs about how and whom and when and what for and what color and how come people should have sex. Therefore she lied to you and tried to make it seem as though she wasn't really investing much in the sex.

She did this because you are judgmental and can be very exact on what you want to see or hear. She was scared to lose you. You intimidate her because you are so angry and judgmental.

You forgave her externally but not internally and moved on and married and had four lovely children together and built a life together where she once again did not live up to your expectations by chatting inappropriately to men on the Internet.

Then you got upset and brought up the sex from 17 years ago because you knew that this made you sanctimonious AND gave you leverage to be superior to her since you would never have married her if you would have known all (I'm assuming new stuff came up when questioned again) and you felt duped.

Duped, and betrayed and angry that she wasn't the woman you thought because of her behavior 17 years ago and not being truthful, you questioned her again and she skirted around the issue because, well, she knew, once again how you would react. So she waffled...and you became more and more incensed.

She lied, she had inappropriate flirting on FB or whatever, and then she couldn't tell you an exact reason why....she couldn't tell you that she feels alone and depressed and that you two have drifted apart or whatever reason she can't be honest and feel safe with you by telling you the truth about her actions and her feelings. She knows you do not value her and that you feel it is ok to disparage her by calling her names. Therefore, she knew you would reject anything she says because you would keep saying her excuses, thoughts or feelings were "crazy."

You are angry. You are demanding answers and rejecting them in the same breath because to you they seem "crazy." You call her a whore and say she is loose....and you don't get how maybe you aren't so warm and cuddly and loving that your wife feels safe speaking honestly with you about her mistakes.

Either you forgave her or not...and if you said you did and brought it back up years later then you lied to her about forgiving her. Yes, her flirting is inappropriate and yes, you needed to have a conversation. Yet, you chose to attack her character, bring up something from the past you forgave or pretended to forgive so you could move on, and you did all of this while using language and words that I would knock a man out for even suggesting about my beautiful bride. If you think you were disrespected by flirting, I can't imagine how your sanctimonious ass thinks it is ok to call the mother of your children a whore for something that happened when you weren't even together.

Come at this from a place of forgiveness, understanding and compassion while fixing your marriage or just leave. This hemming and hawing about the semantics of she did this and then this and then that was said forty years past November is just ludicrous and a waste of your time and emotional reserves. Your ego is making you very short sighted and very unkind right now.
Good luck,
Grumps

Thanks for trying but no. She lied to me when asked about her past and she lied to me when asked if she had been with anyone during our split. Wasn't until after we were marriage she slipped up on her "men" and I busted her. I paid close attention to her past so I knew she messed up. It wasn't until then she spilled the beans about all the other men and the guy during the split. But it didn't end there. It wasn't until months later that she came clean with everything as she continued to hold back information.

Now this is not what I wanted an opinion on although I appreciate your effort. My wife simply said during the breakup she wasn't looking for anybody. She didn't want anybody. She wanted this guy to leave. She certainly didn't want sex. How is it possible to say this when you are the one who gave your number out you are the one who agreed to meet him you are the one you let him come over you are the one who let him stay you are the one who let him sleep in your bed you are the one who had sex multiple times including kissing and performed oral. How is this possible???

So far NOBODY on this forum can explain that which leads to me to believe I am NOT crazy and her answer is BS. They all want to beat up on me for calling my wife a whore and loose. I'm glad they have found a WONDERFUL spouse who loves and respects them and cherishes them and will live happily ever after! Must be a great feeling.

July 17, 2015

I think I kind of know what is bothering you SS.

Your wife might be being mostly honest when she is saying that she wasn't that hot for him and wasn't that keen on getting it on with him.

But here's the catch - that makes her look weak and weak-willed and morally incompetent.

It's hard to respect and admire someone that is weak and morally ambivalent.

I agree with you in that I would have more respect and have an easier time accepting if she was hornier than a 3-balled billy goat and that that this dude was smoke'n hot and she wanted in his knickers real bad.

At least that is going for something she wants and is getting something out of it.

As it stands now, she just sounds weak-willed and morally bankrupt. I have less respect for someone like that because that basically means that any guy that comes along that is willing to apply a little elbow grease is going to eventually get in her pants because she doesn't have the wherewithal to keep her pants on.

She will be the first to tell you that she was weaker than weak. She said that her counselor told her she had the lowest self esteem he had ever seen. That explains many of her encounters - not all - but many.

But you hit it right on the head about "boundaries". She had zero. And so for years we have seen a counselor primarily working on what will prevent her from falling prey to the next guy? Where are her boundaries? How can I be sure that the next guy can't talk her into helping him sew a button on his shirt at his house and then….

Maybe it just comes down to she was just weak. Weak and couldn't say no to a fly. This guy knew this, took advantage of her weak state, and because she says he was "controlling" that could translate into "she was just too weak".

July 17, 2015

I think I kind of know what is bothering you SS.

Your wife might be being mostly honest when she is saying that she wasn't that hot for him and wasn't that keen on getting it on with him.

But here's the catch - that makes her look weak and weak-willed and morally incompetent.

It's hard to respect and admire someone that is weak and morally ambivalent.

I agree with you in that I would have more respect and have an easier time accepting if she was hornier than a 3-balled billy goat and that that this dude was smoke'n hot and she wanted in his knickers real bad.

At least that is going for something she wants and is getting something out of it.

As it stands now, she just sounds weak-willed and morally bankrupt. I have less respect for someone like that because that basically means that any guy that comes along that is willing to apply a little elbow grease is going to eventually get in her pants because she doesn't have the wherewithal to keep her pants on.

By the way it's SSJ. Those are the initials of the three guys she had one night stands with while dating her second boyfriend of 3 years. Just a little trivia

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