Carey34 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 A few months back, my boyfriend told me that a subordinate has a crush on him. That's really as far as the conversation went until I found out he had been playing apps against her on his phone. Silly, I know. I asked him point blank though if anything was going on, and he said no. I recently found out that they've been exchanging Facebook and text messages (I haven't read them, just saw the name). I'm very upset by this because we exchanged conversations in that past that if either one of us were newly texting someone from the opposite sex (who was single), we would both be bothered by it. The fact that this woman has a crush on him, makes matters worse. He has several female work friends (that are married), and it doesn't bother me. This girl bothers me because she's a subordinate, single, and has a crush on him. What should I do, and is he crossing the line?
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 If it makes you uncomfortable and you have told him so, it is up to him to stop. Your feelings should be just as important to him as his own. In my opinion I don't think it's appropriate for a married person or someone in a LTR to constantly text someone of the opposite sex that is single, and not a mutual friend of the two.
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 A few months back, my boyfriend told me that a subordinate has a crush on him. That's really as far as the conversation went until I found out he had been playing apps against her on his phone. Silly, I know. I asked him point blank though if anything was going on, and he said no. I recently found out that they've been exchanging Facebook and text messages (I haven't read them, just saw the name). I'm very upset by this because we exchanged conversations in that past that if either one of us were newly texting someone from the opposite sex (who was single), we would both be bothered by it. The fact that this woman has a crush on him, makes matters worse. He has several female work friends (that are married), and it doesn't bother me. This girl bothers me because she's a subordinate, single, and has a crush on him. What should I do, and is he crossing the line? How long have you been dating him?
Friskyone4u Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 This one is simple. If anything is said that your boyfriend would not want you to see it is inappropriate. And inappropriate texting is the start of bigger trouble. 1
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) A few months back, my boyfriend told me that a subordinate has a crush on him. That's really as far as the conversation went until I found out he had been playing apps against her on his phone. Silly, I know. I asked him point blank though if anything was going on, and he said no. I recently found out that they've been exchanging Facebook and text messages (I haven't read them, just saw the name). I'm very upset by this because we exchanged conversations in that past that if either one of us were newly texting someone from the opposite sex (who was single), we would both be bothered by it. The fact that this woman has a crush on him, makes matters worse. He has several female work friends (that are married), and it doesn't bother me. This girl bothers me because she's a subordinate, single, and has a crush on him. What should I do, and is he crossing the line? IMO, yes it most definitely IS crossing the line.... and I would NOT hesitate telling him that either! I would be pissed. I would ask him how HE would feel if he noticed that I was texting back and forth with a man who had a huge crush on me. Are you living together? If not, after you ask him the above, PULL BACK! Your actions will speak WAY more than anything you might feel inclined to ask him, like what it all means, is he into her, blah blah. He will only lie so why bother asking. Just pull back. And by the way, he will deny, but IMO he most likely has a huge crush on her as well. Edited July 16, 2015 by katiegrl
No Limit Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Ask him to show you the messages. If he won't do it, that's your answer. 3
compulsivedancer Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I text people from work all the time and it is generally work-related. Not sure about Facebook. All you can do is find out more, but don't be too quick to jump to conclusions.
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) I text people from work all the time and it is generally work-related. Not sure about Facebook. All you can do is find out more, but don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. With other men who have made it clear they have a huge crush on you? And how, pray tell, did he find out she had a crush on him? My guess is she told him....which would indicate their communications far exceed anything "work-related." And I think the fact their communications have moved to FB and personal texting is very telling also. Work related my rear end.... it sounds to me like this crush is mutual. It happens. OP, no need to ask, he will only deny. Just pull back. He's no dope, he will figure it out. Edited July 17, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Raena Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My boss gave out his number to us all and tells us to text him whenever. One of my coworkers seems to be texting him all the time. All of us at work immediately assumed something was going on with them as well so I can see why you are concerned. There isn't anything going on with them as far as I can tell though. Do you live together? I'd tell him directly that you feel uncomfortable with it and why. If you feel like he isn't being honest with you then chances are, he's not. I learned the hard way to trust my gut instincts. I too would have issue with a man texting a subordinate outside of work hours and probably about non-work related issues. Once in awhile is one thing, but regularly and he says she has a crush on him? Oh no.... no no no. That's not a good sign.
carhill Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 What should I do? Clearly define your boundaries of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. and is he crossing the line? If you've delineated no line, there's none to cross. If you've related that such behaviors are inappropriate and he continues, he's crossed the line. If he deceives you in doing so, that can be cheating, as it is deception which defines cheating.
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 From the perspective of your romance, the content of the messages matter. If they are innocuous: cute puppy, lol, I agree etc. IMO he hasn't crossed any personal lines. As somebody else pointed out if the SO can read the messages they are probably fine. I spent the better part of yesterday texting one of DH's buddies & then I went out for drinks with him. DH met us later. All of the messages were about kitchen renovations, not anything tawdry. From a business perspective, there is no reason for a boss to be on a subordinates' FB page or other social media especially when she has a crush on him. He's opening himself up to a claim of sexual harassment. He really needs to curtail all non-work related interactions. 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 A few months back, my boyfriend told me that a subordinate has a crush on him. That's really as far as the conversation went until I found out he had been playing apps against her on his phone. Silly, I know. I asked him point blank though if anything was going on, and he said no. I recently found out that they've been exchanging Facebook and text messages (I haven't read them, just saw the name). I'm very upset by this because we exchanged conversations in that past that if either one of us were newly texting someone from the opposite sex (who was single), we would both be bothered by it. The fact that this woman has a crush on him, makes matters worse. He has several female work friends (that are married), and it doesn't bother me. This girl bothers me because she's a subordinate, single, and has a crush on him. What should I do, and is he crossing the line? She has a crush on him and he likes it. This isn't heading anywhere good. 3
Dreamworld Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'd be bothered because she has a crush on him. And if he knows that and is still communicating with her, I think that is disrespectful to you.
veggirl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I would ask to see the messages. They will answer your question. I would also ask why he felt it was okay to go back on your agreement (telling one another if you are texting a single new friend of the opposite sex)
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I agree that there are some circumstances where work colleagues can and do communicate outside the office for various reasons that are purely platonic BUT in THIS particularly situation, it was revealed that the colleague in question has a crush on him! That's a game changer in my books. Any decent self-respecting man would let his significant other know what's going on and not hesitate showing her his messages if asked. Personally, it feels like he's crossed a line here but at the same time I would be very careful not to blow this out of proportion until you've at least had an honest conversation with him about it. Good luck. 2
kendahke Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 A few months back, my boyfriend told me that a subordinate has a crush on him. That's really as far as the conversation went until I found out he had been playing apps against her on his phone. Silly, I know. I asked him point blank though if anything was going on, and he said no. I recently found out that they've been exchanging Facebook and text messages (I haven't read them, just saw the name). I'm very upset by this because we exchanged conversations in that past that if either one of us were newly texting someone from the opposite sex (who was single), we would both be bothered by it. The fact that this woman has a crush on him, makes matters worse. He has several female work friends (that are married), and it doesn't bother me. This girl bothers me because she's a subordinate, single, and has a crush on him. What should I do, and is he crossing the line? Ask him to see the messages. If he lets you see them, judge for yourself their appropriateness. Remind him that you two had an agreement not to engage in that kind of behavior. Ask him why he has broken that agreement and let him know that the door is now opened on your end by him and his behavior to do the same thing (even if you won't do that, it's to let him know that since his word is isht, there is no longer anything holding you to a one-sided arrangement). If he won't, then you will know there is something there that he's hiding from you and then, you need to figure out how you're going to deal with that. I think he is crossing the line if he refuses to show you the messages because it means he's up to something he has no business doing. He made an agreement with you and unless he comes to renegotiate those terms, he cannot just arbitrarily change the terms and not let you know or give you the freedom to follow suit.
dragonfire13 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) A (now ex) boyfriend of mine started getting girls initiating a lot of contact with him..ironically, as soon as we started going out and people knew he was with someone (apparently, him being in a relationship made him more attractive :-/). I can hand on heart say Im certain he didn't cheat on me. However, looking back, I can tell he liked the attention/ego boost. As our relationship started to deteriorate, Im sure he considered dating a couple of these girls and probably has now we've split up. I think you need to ask yourself if he's the cheating kind. Even the nicest, most loyal guys enjoy female attention, but won't cross that line. If it bugs you, talk to him about it and see what happens. If he dismisses your concerns and continues, then you need to decide if you can be with someone who continues to do things that he knows hurt you. Edited July 17, 2015 by dragonfire13
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) What I am wondering is why the hell did he feel he needed to tell you about her crushing on him in the first place. When I know a guy at work (or anywhere) has a crush on me, I don't run home to my boyfriend to tell him. I never even mention it. I mean, why would I? UNLESS, I am crushing on him too and feel somewhat guilty about it...THEN I might mention it. Or if I just want to talk about it cause I like the guy, I might tell him. But otherwise, there is no need to mention it IMO. It would be the last thing on my mind...assuming I had no feelings for the guy. Something to consider. Edited July 17, 2015 by katiegrl
Author Carey34 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 A few months back, my boyfriend told me that a subordinate has a crush on him. That's really as far as the conversation went until I found out he had been playing apps against her on his phone. Silly, I know. I asked him point blank though if anything was going on, and he said no. I recently found out that they've been exchanging Facebook and text messages (I haven't read them, just saw the name). I'm very upset by this because we exchanged conversations in that past that if either one of us were newly texting someone from the opposite sex (who was single), we would both be bothered by it. The fact that this woman has a crush on him, makes matters worse. He has several female work friends (that are married), and it doesn't bother me. This girl bothers me because she's a subordinate, single, and has a crush on him. What should I do, and is he crossing the line? I'll try to be a little more specific here based on some of the questions. 1) He told me about this "crush" because another subordinate (who I actually know, but haven't talk to for years) came to his office throwing the girl under the bus. Basically telling him that she's delinquent at work & that she also has a crush on him. 2) I asked him about this girl the following day I posted this, and he got very defensive with me. Told me that there's no reason to look at his texts; otherwise, our relationship has no trust. 3) I was upset w/ him for a few days, and decided to do the unthinkable. I found out that he messaged her on Facebook by giving her his number to text him and the initial texts were work-related. I looked at his iPad messages while he was at work and the texts with this girl are for the most part work-related, but there are innocent, but flirty exchanges. In one instance, she stated in the text: "I was going to text you last night, but I didn't want to hug you" She then said "I meant bug you!!!! :D" He replied back with emojis & said "Riiiight", etc. She said she was so embarrassed and blushing.. I feel like I'm starting to act shady and coming up with crazy ideas. Like, why couldn't she text him last night?? Is it because she knew I'd be with him? Why is it that he had to go the texting route? He only texts with his other managers. If I knew a subordinate had a crush on me, I would make sure to keep things professional and call from the work number if I had a work-related question. I would feel so guilty texting a guy I know that likes me, while I'm in a serious relationship. He has given me no reason so far TO trust him. I don't know what to do.. Is it his ego or is he really into her?
Author Carey34 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 The only thing I can really confront him about now w/o getting into trouble for looking at his texts was that in the past we agreed that as long as we mutually knew (and have met) who the only person was texting, it wouldn't be a big deal. I have no idea who this girl is...
highseas Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I think you should have another serious talk with him based on this past agreement that you both have had, that this third person should be someone that you both know. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and that if he is considerate he should curtail his communications with this girl or only use official work-related channels, not personal channels. That's not too much to ask for. He probably enjoys the attention, but it doesn't mean he would cheat on you. But things like this can cross the line at some point, morphing from white to gray to black. Maybe it'll be meeting for coffee talking about work; then meeting for coffee talking about personal interests, and so on. Reiterate that you both have this prior agreement and why is he eager to make an exception. The fact that he told you she has a crush on him, though, should not implicate him. If a girl had a crush on me and I had a crush on her too, I would not be telling my girlfriend about any crushes by anyone. You have to trust him to some extent too, or else in the future stuff like this will just go underground even if it's harmless. I think neither party is all right or all wrong, but I do think he should be more considerate and stop it.
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