sandflea Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Hi Been a long time since I've been in here - thanks for all of the advice through the years. This site was very helpful when I went through my divorce many years ago. OK - here's the deal. I've been dating a person for about 9 months or so - the honeymoon phase is very much over. So, it's work, I get that. My issue has to do with having enough healthy space so we're at our best for one another. I enjoy spending time together, but I've told this person that I'd prefer it if we spent a few nights each week on our own. I like some free time on my own, and to clear my head, etc. She just doesn't get this. We're at the point where we fight because she's literally over here every night (she has her own appt). Recently she lost her job, so that makes the situation worse. When she does grant me a "boys night out" she wants to stay at my place - where as I'd like us to do our own thing for a day or two. I can ask and ask, but I can't get a day or two on my own - no matter what I do. She drags her feet and - inevitably - we run late, get in a fight, and the cycle starts all over again. Please advise. In lieu of full on breaking up I'd like to have some personal freedom back. It just seems my needs don't count. Thanks SF
fitnessfan365 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 All you can do is talk to her about it. Tell her that she's very important to you and that always love spending time with her. But that you've also got a life of your own and need a few days a week to yourself. If she cares about you and considers your needs, she should respect that. Personally, I'm independent as well and have no desire to see my GF every single day. For me, 3-4x per week is ideal. There has to be some breathing room for both people to grow as individuals. 1
darkmoon Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 she is nudging at committment and you are saying no = stalemate
BluEyeL Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I completely relate to this. I am female but also really crave my own space for at least a couple of nights a week. I think it's healthy, even when married, to go away sometimes or have some time with friends, or separate spaces in the same house. I am concerned that you call her a "person" though. Do you love her? I agree that there is not much you can do other than talk to her and insist that this is what you need, you care about her, love spending time with her. It's just you need time to yourself too. If she's not budging and you can't cope with her there every day....I'm afraid not going to work out.
Author sandflea Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 I do love her, and we're dating exclusively - I just need a couple of nights a week to myself. I feel like I'm being swallowed. For her it seems like it's all or nothing - and I'm extremely frustrated because she just won't see my side of the issue. Of course, now that she isn't working she's at my place 24/7 - which is frankly exhausting!
BluEyeL Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I'm sorry, I'd be exhausted too!! Maybe give her that book Women are from Venus, men are from Mars or something like that, to make her understand that men need space. Although I think people in general need space. She may have this anxious attachment style. Good luck
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Ask her if she'd prefer a few nights off or no relationship at all. Tell her it's non negotiable. Be very serious when you tell her. Be prepared for the whiny you don't love me crap. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I do love her, and we're dating exclusively - I just need a couple of nights a week to myself. I feel like I'm being swallowed. For her it seems like it's all or nothing - and I'm extremely frustrated because she just won't see my side of the issue. Of course, now that she isn't working she's at my place 24/7 - which is frankly exhausting! You need to be honest with her and establish your boundaries. She is not respecting your space or needs. You tell her "I love you and enjoy spending time with you. I'd like it if we could set up a scehdule for seeing each other that includes a couple of days for each of us to focus on ourselves and enjoy other activities outside of the relationship. Lets work out something that works for both of us.". If she is unwilling or simply doesnt get it, put your foot down. If she is not adult enough to respect your needs, you msy have to move on. She is ahead of you in the dating curve in terms of commitment. She is operating as if you two are actually boyfriend and girlfriend, not still in the exclusivity stage.
lollipopspot Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I enjoy spending time together, but I've told this person that I'd prefer it if we spent a few nights each week on our own. I like some free time on my own, and to clear my head, etc. She just doesn't get this. We're at the point where we fight because she's literally over here every night (she has her own appt). So it sounds as though you can't see yourself married to her - because then you would spend every night with her. If that's the case, then maybe you should talk to her and make sure you're on the same page for where the relationship is heading. 2
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Ask her if she'd prefer a few nights off or no relationship at all. Tell her it's non negotiable. Be very serious when you tell her. Be prepared for the whiny you don't love me crap. LOL....god I love this board sometimes.... Seriously though....what you wrote? SO TRUE!!! And I agree with it too (perhaps NOT quite as blunt as that though). But yah OP... be direct. IMO she is being a big whiny baby. It's up to you to put a stop to that....by not tolerating it. I wish you luck though. 1
smackie9 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 This has nothing to do with you are not ready for commitment. Even very committed people need to go do their own thing, have their own friends....some independence. It is necessary to keep the relationship fresh. I have a feeling she is codependent on your relationship this is probably why she is being clingy/needy and fighting you on this tooth and nail. This is a psychological issue that needs addressing through therapy, not threats or conversation. if you keep at her about it she's just going to resent you, and she will just start lashing out at you accusing you of infidelity or you don't love her blah blah blah. It's just going to get worse. If she won't reason with you, then you have no choice but to breakup.
introverted1 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Ask her if she'd prefer a few nights off or no relationship at all. Tell her it's non negotiable. Be very serious when you tell her. Be prepared for the whiny you don't love me crap. This. Nicely, but this.
Fleur de cactus Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I think she is clingy, and don't be surprised if soon she ask you to move in. Does she has friends on her own? Even is she does not have friends, she can give you some space as you need, twice a week is not too much. It is normal to want some time for yourself. Maybe she does not like to be alone but again this is not healthy if an adult person cannot stand to be alone for one day. Talk to her again, insist that it is important to you, for the good relationship of both of you.
phineas Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 jesus. i'll never remarry and have zero plans to live with anyone. Also, I got chit to do plus kids I need to spend time with alone. 2 times a week tops for me. And I better get laid both times or i'd rather be single. Luckily a lot of women my age are ok with this because they have their own lives to live also. I could never get anything done if I had a woman hanging around all the time. Also, that stuff where she stays at your place while you go out? She's doing that to make you feel guilty. I'll bet she texts asking when your coming home?
BluEyeL Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 You need to be honest with her and establish your boundaries. She is not respecting your space or needs. You tell her "I love you and enjoy spending time with you. I'd like it if we could set up a scehdule for seeing each other that includes a couple of days for each of us to focus on ourselves and enjoy other activities outside of the relationship. Lets work out something that works for both of us.". If she is unwilling or simply doesnt get it, put your foot down. If she is not adult enough to respect your needs, you msy have to move on. She is ahead of you in the dating curve in terms of commitment. She is operating as if you two are actually boyfriend and girlfriend, not still in the exclusivity stage. Honestly, at the 9 month mark she should be his girlfriend not just exclusive. My bf wants to see me every day too. I don't mind it because we both work and we don't spend all that many hours together daily
Author sandflea Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Honestly, at the 9 month mark she should be his girlfriend not just exclusive. My bf wants to see me every day too. I don't mind it because we both work and we don't spend all that many hours together daily That's the issue really - we're together ALL the time.... I love her but I also just need me time.. 1
todreaminblue Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Relationship doesnt mean joined at the hip...it doesnt mean spending every waking,walking minute together......it means appreciating silences and space and together time......its a necessity for me to have private time where i reflect meditate or recoup......and i managed to have that in a full on living together relationship when the kids were at school and he was at work i took time out.......and when i didnt feel like braving the social thing...i just said not this time......i want to read or draw or whatever i wanted to do.....adn he gave em that time ...adn i appreciated hsi understanding.... i think you need to talk to her seriously, gently and honestly...you need time by and to yourself and it has nothing to do with cheating or loving her less.......let her feel that...but...if you are talking about drinking and attending night clubs on a boys night out....getting wasted.often....thats not alone time .....i can see why she would feel insecure.....or have a problem with that......deb
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