Whats the real reason behind the excuse "I want to get to know you better first"??

July 17, 2015

I basically said this to my boyfriend.

I wanted to get to know him better and talk first, before agreeing to date.

I am simply a slow mover by nature. He respected this, remained patient, and after some time, we started dating.

He wanted me to be comfortable.

Pretty straightforward. *shrug*

Yes that is very straightforward....BUT many OLD interactions dont work that easy. The problem from a guys point of view, is that he has no idea whether the woman is truly interested or just being fed bs.

Do women ever care what they guy thinks in said situations or I'm guessing it probably doesnt matter since many women know they got other guys knocking on the door as well.

Just because the guy lets her drag out the "get to know you process" doesnt mean it elevates the guarantee that she will meet him.

July 17, 2015

Yes that is very straightforward....BUT many OLD interactions dont work that easy. The problem from a guys point of view, is that he has no idea whether the woman is truly interested or just being fed bs.

Do women ever care what they guy thinks in said situations or I'm guessing it probably doesnt matter since many women know they got other guys knocking on the door as well.

Just because the guy lets her drag out the "get to know you process" doesnt mean it elevates the guarantee that she will meet him.

Of course I cared what he thought, and talking about that was an integral part of us getting to know each other.

And no, there weren't any other men knocking down the door or getting any attention from me. I was focused solely on him.

July 17, 2015

Out means they aren't very keen to meet.

That's never panned out for me. I've been left on the hook exchanging messages only for it to lead nowhere.

Women who wanna meet do just that.

July 17, 2015

"I want to get to know you better before we meet"

Yes, heard that a fair amount back when dating turned to the phone and internet to make 'connections' and didn't meet women in real life first. IIRC, none of those sorts of interactions ever turned into a regular dating situation or relationship. The women who resulted in dates and mates 'got to know' in person and made their decisions on personal interaction. Most were 'next', meaning they saw things as a no-go. A few were 'cool', meaning they enjoyed the interactions and continued dating.

If I heard that phrase today, I'd simply fill the truck up with fuel and head to the coast again. That one is a dry hole for this leathered roughneck.

July 17, 2015

I miss the days when you'd meet someone and have some of that "get-to-know-you" process through frequent/infrequent social contact that would then develop into going out with each other and forming a relationship. Some couples I know grabbed someone for a ONS and ended up marrying them, they did their "get-to-know-you" bit after hitting the sheets. And in the case of my closest friend who is getting married at the end of the month, she met her SO at a regular social event they both attended, she was not his physical type at all but over time he realised what an awesome woman she is and fell in love with her personality. But these are all examples of real life.....

Don't forget though that with the advent of online communication we're all being warned to be cautious, from school age kids up to adults. And some choose to be cautious, some choose to crack on get to find out if there's chemistry - and there are downsides to both simply because of the "shopping cart" mentality that OLD drags along behind it.

For me, if I said, "I'd like to get to know you a bit more," to someone who messaged me online, then I would probably mean it, and I'm certainly not in a position where I've got men lining up to ask me out.

It's all down to individual circumstances and preferences at the end of the day.

July 17, 2015

If I've said it, it was because I liked him and wanted to slow down.

I'm not one of those women who has trouble deciding or needs more time to decide whether or not I'm attracted to a guy. I know immediately so if we're dating and I say that, it because I'm feeling like we're (read: mostly you ) moving to fast physically, which is probably also because I don't feel respected or loved enough from you.

July 17, 2015

Oh wait, this is about OLD?

Well all the rules change with that.

July 17, 2015

I don't think it's an excuse. I think it's a preference. But I also think the date is the place to get to know somebody so I have no idea why a person would say "I want to get to know you better" before going on the date.

All I can tell you is about my experiences. When I 1st joined OLD, I was intimidated. I wanted 2-3 e-mails & the same # of conversations before agreeing to meet. Somehow I thought I'd be able to weed out the crazies / axe murderers by talking to them. I suppose it's a false sense of security but I would tell somebody that if they asked to meet in the 1st email.

IRL I have said the sentence to a man who was pressing for sex too soon.

July 17, 2015

I have always found this pretty bull****. Guess how you get to know people a little bit better? By having a talk over a cup of coffee or something. You don't get to know people by talking over the internet or on the phone. I've had several tinder dates who were boring on tinder and awesome in real life and vice versa. Each to his own I guess, I usually break contact if a girl tells me she wants to get to know me first, just not worth the online time investment.

July 17, 2015

Yes that is very straightforward....BUT many OLD interactions dont work that easy. The problem from a guys point of view, is that he has no idea whether the woman is truly interested or just being fed bs.

Do women ever care what they guy thinks in said situations or I'm guessing it probably doesnt matter since many women know they got other guys knocking on the door as well.

Just because the guy lets her drag out the "get to know you process" doesnt mean it elevates the guarantee that she will meet him.

These are problematic assumptions because in this framework the guy is the one playing games, not the girl. If she means what she says, she wants to know him better before going out on a date. That's not a promise and it is by definition not a guarantee. If he's not OK with that timeline, he's free to walk away.

The problem here is that you're ascribing the worst intentions to people you don't know. You started this thread assuming women are lying when they say this. Now you're saying that even if they're not lying then they're still being jerks and not caring about others because...I don't know? I guess because it's not fair.

No, it's not fair. Dating presents different challenges for everybody. But there's a very wide gulf between people just managing their time how they choose to and people nefariously stringing others along for their pleasure. That you would assume the latter ... is problematic. Something to think about.

July 17, 2015

That's because these women "thought" they knew enough about the person over what was "told" to them via email/text/phone, etc.

Like on one show, for the 1st date with some OLD guy? She had him come to pick her up at her apt door. So, she let him in and he raped her. How in the world your 1st meet with an OLD guy you're gonna have him come to your doorstep But, she "thought" she knew him.

Look, real sociopaths, do you think they don't know how to play people? One of their skills is to read people and trick them into getting comfy with them (like Ted Bundy with a cast on his arm asking for help). So, what makes you think someone hiding behind a screen isn't that skilled to manipulate?

Are you asking me a question, challenging what I said, or just talking . . . . I am confused by your post.

Obviously people make bad decisions. I never said otherwise. I said how I handled OLD. I did not have someone come to my house. Of course I am familiar with how sociopaths work, well familiar with Ted Bundy - thanks. So I did what I felt was the best ways to mitigate the whole body in a ditch scenario I discussed.

Seriously what is your point???

July 17, 2015

No, it's not fair. Dating presents different challenges for everybody. But there's a very wide gulf between people just managing their time how they choose to and people nefariously stringing others along for their pleasure.

You know, it's not always this or that or the other thing precisely. I'm sure most women believe what they say when they say it–– but the fact is, if the advice women give to men was always true and accurate it would pay off big time to be the nicest guy she's met in recent history. Being Mr. Compliant and acquiescing to every woman's whim is just not the smart way to navigate.

The online dating sites are full of reticent, dithering little creatures with fairy tale expectations looking for their prince charming. One of the biggest challenges for men is sorting out the ones who are on there with a sense of purpose and actually want to date vs. the confused, lovelorn violets using OLD get some much needed validation and manage their anxiety.

Women who are there for the purpose of actually going out on dates, wanting a real connection, are appreciative of a guy who doesn't waste their time either, rather than someone who wants to engage in virtual whatever... as if that ever accomplished anything. If information exchange were the key to success, people would be locking each other down faster than you can say "love to laugh."

I've had several real dating relationships resulting from meeting online, and in every single one the woman was ready to meet without hesitation. And every single time I've invested significant time (sometimes weeks) cooing and wooing online... a total f*cking waste of my time. Buyers vs. window shoppers.

July 17, 2015

Just a handful of years ago women used to meet guys on blind dates, or meet a stranger that they previously met briefly while at a bar, shopping, getting gas, etc....and they didnt have a cell phone on them in case they needed to call 911 or a friend/family member. Nowadays women have a cell phone and meet in crowded public venues, yet they act like its a more dangerous situation than it was for women that met guys 10-20-30 years ago.

I don't think there was ever a time that women in general threw all caution to the wind and went off with a random stranger, with no point of reference whatsoever.

Alcohol and drug intake can mean they end up in "bad" situations, add in being young and naive can also come into play, but few adult women are going to put themselves into potentially dangerous situations if they can avoid it.

No-one can assess someone totally with a few texts emails of even a phone call, skype session, but at least some basics can be sorted out.

Her: I love all animals.

Him: I love shooting animals.

Her:

July 17, 2015

This idea that I don't know my own mind and some man has to come along and clarify for me what I "really mean" is....offensive? Arrogant?

I know my own mind. If I say I want to get to know you a bit, I want to get to know you a bit.

If you think there is a subliminal message or secret plot afoot, you are free not to contact me again.

Edited July 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 17, 2015

Are you asking me a question, challenging what I said, or just talking . . . . I am confused by your post.

Obviously people make bad decisions. I never said otherwise. I said how I handled OLD. I did not have someone come to my house. Of course I am familiar with how sociopaths work, well familiar with Ted Bundy - thanks. So I did what I felt was the best ways to mitigate the whole body in a ditch scenario I discussed.

Seriously what is your point???

My point is/was the female consensus appears to be that they are asking for more time to "get to know" a guy and think they can achieve that via texts/phones/OLD when IMO that's the "last" way you're gonna get to know about a guy - cuz of the example I used? I'm sure on OLD they exchanged a few e-mails/texts/calls and she figured he was ok to the point where she let him come to her front door and ended up getting raped.

So while women say they can weed out the axe murders, hook-up guys, etc from a few e-mails/texts/calls - IMO, that's illogical because while in time a person reveals their true colors - those colors are even easier to hide when you're not looking at them in the face and they're hiding behind a phone/computer.

July 17, 2015

No-one can assess someone totally with a few texts emails of even a phone call, skype session, but at least some basics can be sorted out.
Her: I love all animals.
Him: I love shooting animals.
Her:

Seriously, if he's trying to get into her pants and/or perpetrate a fraud - do you think the scenarios are gonna play out like you said?

Pleeze, I'll correct the scenario for you

Her: I love all animals

Him: (ok, I killed a few cats when I was a kid and peeled off their skin, but lemme say what she wants to hear). Oh, I love animals.

Her: (not even knowing she just been lied to).

If you were sitting across from him at a table, at least you can read his facial expressions upon your statement of "I love all animals" to see if he's sincere in his response. Communication is not just about reading a person's response to a text/e-mail/etc. You gain even more by reading their body language, facial expressions, etc.

July 17, 2015

No-one can assess someone totally with a few texts emails of even a phone call, skype session, but at least some basics can be sorted out.
Her: I love all animals.
Him: I love shooting animals.
Her:

LOL Yes I get situations like that. But that can be sorted out typically with just a few phone calls.

You know the scenarios I am talking about, the ones where the women want to spend almost 2 weeks or more "getting to know you".

After a few phone calls, I feel you are just wasting your time beyond that if a person keeps stalling and wont meet. And frankly, its like pulling teeth just to progress past email and get a womans number, as far as most of my experiences go.

This idea that I don't know my own mind and some man has to come along and clarify for me what I "really mean" is....offensive? Arrogant?

I know my own mind. If I say I want to get to know you a bit, I want to get to know you a bit.

No one is saying you cant. At least I know I'm not. What I am saying is that there needs to be a line drawn for both parties, where theres been enough talk, now its time to meet. THATS the entire point of joining a dating site. But unfortunately, theres many many women that use it simply for attention and either have no plans on ever meeting anyone, or get cold feet when the time comes.

July 17, 2015

I haven't read the entire thread, only the opening post but for me it's not an excuse. I actually mean it.

It doesn't mean I want to chatter in mails for weeks or months but I want to get to know someone a little.

Every other man I have met and ended up dating I have got to know before dating them so I don't see it as any different with online.

A couple of things that happen (to me anyway with online) is that once you meet the guy seems to think all or nothing and you are 'together'. That is way too much pressure when you have only just met.

This also often happens when you agree to meet - you are 'theirs'.

Another thing is that chatting online over a few mails can swiftly make you aware that you wouldn't want to meet that person.

He asks her out in mail #2 but by mail #5 he is asking whether she is wearing knickers..

I recall a guy who I had swapped numbers with.

He seemed very sweet and gentlemanly online.

I had a phone which I couldn't take nor see photos on at the time (I do love a good old fashioned phone with buttons!!). He sent me a stack of texts one night, none of which I could see - I suspect they were dick shots..

I hadn't asked for any photos of any kind and wouldn't ask either.

I never replied and never met him.

July 17, 2015

My point is/was the female consensus appears to be that they are asking for more time to "get to know" a guy and think they can achieve that via texts/phones/OLD when IMO that's the "last" way you're gonna get to know about a guy - cuz of the example I used? I'm sure on OLD they exchanged a few e-mails/texts/calls and she figured he was ok to the point where she let him come to her front door and ended up getting raped.

So while women say they can weed out the axe murders, hook-up guys, etc from a few e-mails/texts/calls - IMO, that's illogical because while in time a person reveals their true colors - those colors are even easier to hide when you're not looking at them in the face and they're hiding behind a phone/computer.

Yes because meeting for coffee suddenly puts his background check in front of me and we all know serial killers walk around with big neon signs over them.

You know, you are 100% right and myself and all of these other women are 100% wrong. Thank you for showing us the error of our ways.

July 17, 2015

You know, it's not always this or that or the other thing precisely. I'm sure most women believe what they say when they say it–– but the fact is, if the advice women give to men was always true and accurate it would pay off big time to be the nicest guy she's met in recent history. Being Mr. Compliant and acquiescing to every woman's whim is just not the smart way to navigate.

The online dating sites are full of reticent, dithering little creatures with fairy tale expectations looking for their prince charming. One of the biggest challenges for men is sorting out the ones who are on there with a sense of purpose and actually want to date vs. the confused, lovelorn violets using OLD get some much needed validation and manage their anxiety.

Women who are there for the purpose of actually going out on dates, wanting a real connection, are appreciative of a guy who doesn't waste their time either, rather than someone who wants to engage in virtual whatever... as if that ever accomplished anything. If information exchange were the key to success, people would be locking each other down faster than you can say "love to laugh."

I've had several real dating relationships resulting from meeting online, and in every single one the woman was ready to meet without hesitation. And every single time I've invested significant time (sometimes weeks) cooing and wooing online... a total f*cking waste of my time. Buyers vs. window shoppers.

I second that.

July 17, 2015

Yes because meeting for coffee suddenly puts his background check in front of me and we all know serial killers walk around with big neon signs over them.

You know, you are 100% right and myself and all of these other women are 100% wrong. Thank you for showing us the error of our ways.

I'm glad there is selective reading to my responses to this thread...

No, I'm not saying meeting in person is going to guarantee you're gonna be able to know 100% what is fact vs. fiction. I've even stated that in real life people actually "date" people for a year or so (even marry them) only to find out they've been perpetrating a fraud.

But, to say that weeks to months of e-mails/texts/phone is better/safer than meeting them in person? Ok, whatever.

Yes, via e-mail/texts/etc if they only want certain things - yep you can weed them out early in the game. I, myself, got the whole penis pics and/or requests for nasty selfies within days of communicating with some idiot online and guess what, they got toasted!!! But it always doesn't play out like that. People who are manipulators, sociopaths, etc are gonna only let you see what they want you to see - hello, that's why they manipulate, that's their skill.

July 17, 2015

I'm glad there is selective reading to my responses to this thread...

No, I'm not saying meeting in person is going to guarantee you're gonna be able to know 100% what is fact vs. fiction. I've even stated that in real life people actually "date" people for a year or so (even marry them) only to find out they've been perpetrating a fraud.

But, to say that weeks to months of e-mails/texts/phone is better/safer than meeting them in person? Ok, whatever.

Yes, via e-mail/texts/etc if they only want certain things - yep you can weed them out early in the game. I, myself, got the whole penis pics and/or requests for nasty selfies within days of communicating with some idiot online and guess what, they got toasted!!! But it always doesn't play out like that. People who are manipulators, sociopaths, etc are gonna only let you see what they want you to see - hello, that's why they manipulate, that's their skill.

Well back at you on the selective reading. I never gave a timeline on emails/texts/phone so you are extrapolating "weeks and months".

July 17, 2015

No one is saying you cant. At least I know I'm not. What I am saying is that there needs to be a line drawn for both parties, where theres been enough talk, now its time to meet. THATS the entire point of joining a dating site. But unfortunately, theres many many women that use it simply for attention and either have no plans on ever meeting anyone, or get cold feet when the time comes.

Well, just like in all of these threads, here's the deal:

You get to draw YOUR lines exactly where you want them. You can't draw hers. You don;t get to decide another person's lines, boundaries, preferences, motives.

You can only control you.

Once again, instead of us all talking about how women "should be," we need to learn how to operate within the reality that IS.

July 17, 2015

I think sometimes it has to do with age too.

I am a middle aged woman with a lot of life experience. So I will approach dating differently than, say, an 18-25 year old girl who thinks she already knows everything.

I'd like to talk/text a week or two, ask some questions, think a bit even if there's chemistry (actually, ESPECIALLY if there's chemistry). Then the first meet will be neutral - no getting picked up. Then we see from there. That is not because I think every man is a rapist. That is because I am smart.

July 17, 2015

I'm glad there is selective reading to my responses to this thread...

No, I'm not saying meeting in person is going to guarantee you're gonna be able to know 100% what is fact vs. fiction. I've even stated that in real life people actually "date" people for a year or so (even marry them) only to find out they've been perpetrating a fraud.

But, to say that weeks to months of e-mails/texts/phone is better/safer than meeting them in person? Ok, whatever.

Yes, via e-mail/texts/etc if they only want certain things - yep you can weed them out early in the game. I, myself, got the whole penis pics and/or requests for nasty selfies within days of communicating with some idiot online and guess what, they got toasted!!! But it always doesn't play out like that. People who are manipulators, sociopaths, etc are gonna only let you see what they want you to see - hello, that's why they manipulate, that's their skill.

Apologies to all for off topic but are you Gloria?

On topic - as I said before, makes no difference. I would want to get to know someone before dating online or offline.

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Whats the real reason behind the excuse "I want to get to know you better first"??

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