Whats the real reason behind the excuse "I want to get to know you better first"??

July 16, 2015

How many women have told that to a guy before you meet him from a dating site or any other social media?

"I want to get to know you better before we meet"

This is an anonymous forum. So theres no reason not to come out and admit if you used that line purposely to either put the guy on the back burner, or what ever the reason may be. I really dont believe many women actually mean it when they say it. I think a lot of women use that line just as an excuse.

Just a handful of years ago women used to meet guys on blind dates, or meet a stranger that they previously met briefly while at a bar, shopping, getting gas, etc....and they didnt have a cell phone on them in case they needed to call 911 or a friend/family member. Nowadays women have a cell phone and meet in crowded public venues, yet they act like its a more dangerous situation than it was for women that met guys 10-20-30 years ago.

July 16, 2015

I say that when a guy asks to meet or for a date too soon in the correspondence. If I went out with every attractive guy who sent me a message asking me out, I wouldn't even have time to hold a job.

So, I'd like to get to know them better first. Take some time to get some information that might enable me to find dealbreakers before wasting the time and energy of a meeting.

July 16, 2015

One time I met this person at church. It was on a Sunday morning. They asked me out on Sunday night.

I told him that I wanted to get to know him first.

Here's the real reason I said that.....

I wanted to get to know him first.

July 16, 2015

It's not an excuse, its somebody expressing a preference.

July 16, 2015

Take some time to get some information that might enable me to find dealbreakers before wasting the time and energy of a meeting.

Pretty much this. I can see why that's frustrating from the point of view of the asker-outer, but it also means you're less likely to spend money on someone who's not at all invested in you. It's the flip side of someone going on dates for free meals, yes?

July 16, 2015

I'm the contrary to what the OP posted...

On OLD, I push to meet in person ASAP. Too easy to be "good on paper". You don't know if you have chemistry until you meet in person.

And, that's why I keep first dates light and simple - a drink or coffee. Unlike some women, I don't think it's fair to have a guy shell out a full-blown meal/entertainment on me when I barely even know if I'm into him. Geesh, one gf told me pretty much "who cares if I don't like the guy, at least I got to have a nice evening out". Sorry, I don't take advantage of people like that. On the flipside, I don't wanna be stuck into a whole dinner/evening with a guy I'm not into.

I just don't see "how" you can get to know someone based on their online profile, texts, and/or a phone call...you gotta meet them in person.

One example of it going too far? Years ago I met a dude...we clicked. I spent all nite talking to him and when we finally met, no "spark". I was even upset about it cuz I liked him, but seems like you can't control when you do too much, too soon, you kill the interest.

So, again, my first few dates are light, short and sweet...and I push to meet in person ASAP, cuz you gotta build up the attraction/interest gradually and you can't do that solely online/text/phone/email.

IMO/experiences, if a guy resists meeting after we've exchanged and email or two and/or tel/texts, he's either not that into me or isn't who he claims he is on his profile.

Edited July 16, 2015 by AppleKakes

July 16, 2015

Never told anyone that line per se, but I was very hesitant when a girl from YouTube randomly PMed me and asked about an online game (she saw I had a few videos of it uploaded on my channel). That hesitation took a week or two of regular chatting to finally subside; we've been friends for 6 years now, 2 other girls also joined us and we also met a few times irl. Mind you I've also never been shy when skyping with other people ever since.

tl;dr, Some people really just want to get you know you better. And if you feel like you're being led on, why not leave and let the other person either vanish or make a move themselves?

July 16, 2015

How many women have told that to a guy before you meet him from a dating site or any other social media?

"I want to get to know you better before we meet"

This is an anonymous forum. So theres no reason not to come out and admit if you used that line purposely to either put the guy on the back burner, or what ever the reason may be. I really dont believe many women actually mean it when they say it. I think a lot of women use that line just as an excuse.

Just a handful of years ago women used to meet guys on blind dates, or meet a stranger that they previously met briefly while at a bar, shopping, getting gas, etc....and they didnt have a cell phone on them in case they needed to call 911 or a friend/family member. Nowadays women have a cell phone and meet in crowded public venues, yet they act like its a more dangerous situation than it was for women that met guys 10-20-30 years ago.

OK, I have chatted to many guys online. I have found that some are fine and carry on being decent: some, however, start to change within a few exchanges and reveal their true natures. It is only over a period of time that you start to pick up on real character. A guy can say lots of nice things about how attracted they are, how much they like you, then in their tenth message start talking about how they have put glass down on their garden to deter cats! Most guys are probably OK but if you want to avoid the weird nutters who are not obviously so at first, you need to give it a bit of time. If after quite a few messages, he still sounds OK, nice and friendly, then things look really promising. If after four message, he starts talking about wearing tights and bow ties at the same time, you might have to think about whether that's your thing or not.

July 16, 2015

I understand being cautious and wanting to feel the guy out. But frankly, years ago, before the internet, women used to meet guys and probably new less about them then women do now.

Think about it, a guy would approach a woman while she was working at a store, or maybe she was the ticket girl at the local movie theatre. He'd chat her up for a few mins, get her number, talk on the phone, and actually pick her up at her house, in his car. And this wasnt 50 years ago. I used to pick up girls in the 80's and 90's at their house.

Nowadays a lot of women act like meeting a guy is something new and dangerous, as if its never been done before. And nowadays you can meet the guy in a crowded public setting, you drive yourself there, and you have a cell phone on you. Some women even jot down the guys license plate and send the info to a friend if they are the extra cautious type.

All I'm saying is that women have many tools at their disposal to make things safer now than they did years ago. I still think theres a lot of women that use the "I want to get to know you" line as a way to juggle multiple dates, rather than actually getting to know him better.

July 16, 2015

I understand being cautious and wanting to feel the guy out. But frankly, years ago, before the internet, women used to meet guys and probably new less about them then women do now.

Think about it, a guy would approach a woman while she was working at a store, or maybe she was the ticket girl at the local movie theatre. He'd chat her up for a few mins, get her number, talk on the phone, and actually pick her up at her house, in his car. And this wasnt 50 years ago. I used to pick up girls in the 80's and 90's at their house.

Nowadays a lot of women act like meeting a guy is something new and dangerous, as if its never been done before. And nowadays you can meet the guy in a crowded public setting, you drive yourself there, and you have a cell phone on you. Some women even jot down the guys license plate and send the info to a friend if they are the extra cautious type.

All I'm saying is that women have many tools at their disposal to make things safer now than they did years ago. I still think theres a lot of women that use the "I want to get to know you" line as a way to juggle multiple dates, rather than actually getting to know him better.

I think in the past people usually knew someone in common if not each other. In other words, he was a workmate of or a friend of someone you knew. You'd kind of get a reference. Towns and villages were smaller, people knew each other. Yes, the wars did mix things up a lot and no doubt some relationships still worked out well, but on the whole we do rely on character references where possible. Online makes this difficult so that the only thing left is to pay attention to what is being said on the profile and by messenger/text/phone for a little while before meeting. A guy that says he can't be bothered with that is telling you two things: he's impatient and he has no respect for the woman's safety.

July 16, 2015

I think in the past people usually knew someone in common if not each other. In other words, he was a workmate of or a friend of someone you knew. You'd kind of get a reference. Towns and villages were smaller, people knew each other. Yes, the wars did mix things up a lot and no doubt some relationships still worked out well, but on the whole we do rely on character references where possible. Online makes this difficult so that the only thing left is to pay attention to what is being said on the profile and by messenger/text/phone for a little while before meeting. A guy that says he can't be bothered with that is telling you two things: he's impatient and he has no respect for the woman's safety.

But how do you know "who" it is for sure behind that computer? They could be telling you talltales... Texts, phone, emails even video chat is not going to let you see who that person really is.

I think all this technology is hurting us rather than helping us. People are losing their ability and/or desire to interact with other humans - which is essential to our development and/or survival.

As I'm typing this, I have a mean frown on my face. But I can attach a smiley emoji and you'd never know if I'm laughing at this post for sure.

Thing is, it's easier to hide behind a computer, phone, etc. And yes, some people can carry out their little hiding game for a loooong time.

Some woman was about to marry a dude she was in a LDR with and he had an accident. Well, mind you she NEVER visited where he said he lived. Upon his death, here comes his "wife" to handle his affairs and this woman was shocked. Really? You didn't know him from Adam and relied on whatever he told you. Ever consider visiting his home just in case?

July 16, 2015

I understand being cautious and wanting to feel the guy out. But frankly, years ago, before the internet, women used to meet guys and probably new less about them then women do now.

Think about it, a guy would approach a woman while she was working at a store, or maybe she was the ticket girl at the local movie theatre. He'd chat her up for a few mins, get her number, talk on the phone, and actually pick her up at her house, in his car. And this wasnt 50 years ago. I used to pick up girls in the 80's and 90's at their house.

Nowadays a lot of women act like meeting a guy is something new and dangerous, as if its never been done before. And nowadays you can meet the guy in a crowded public setting, you drive yourself there, and you have a cell phone on you. Some women even jot down the guys license plate and send the info to a friend if they are the extra cautious type.

All I'm saying is that women have many tools at their disposal to make things safer now than they did years ago. I still think theres a lot of women that use the "I want to get to know you" line as a way to juggle multiple dates, rather than actually getting to know him better.

Umm, okay, but I wasn't woman and having read too many books on serial killers forgive a girl from wanting to try and not get found in a ditch.

So I have said it OLD and it literally meant what I said.

Why do you read into what women say? Shockingly many/most of us actually pretty literal. We actually mean exactly what we are saying.

July 17, 2015

I understand being cautious and wanting to feel the guy out. But frankly, years ago, before the internet, women used to meet guys and probably new less about them then women do now.

Think about it, a guy would approach a woman while she was working at a store, or maybe she was the ticket girl at the local movie theatre. He'd chat her up for a few mins, get her number, talk on the phone, and actually pick her up at her house, in his car. And this wasnt 50 years ago. I used to pick up girls in the 80's and 90's at their house.

Nowadays a lot of women act like meeting a guy is something new and dangerous, as if its never been done before. And nowadays you can meet the guy in a crowded public setting, you drive yourself there, and you have a cell phone on you. Some women even jot down the guys license plate and send the info to a friend if they are the extra cautious type.

All I'm saying is that women have many tools at their disposal to make things safer now than they did years ago. I still think theres a lot of women that use the "I want to get to know you" line as a way to juggle multiple dates, rather than actually getting to know him better.

For me, safety is irrelevant.

Back then, he approached her in public and she knew at least that she found him attractive and there was some semblance of chemistry there, despite knowing very little about him, before agreeing to go out with him.

Online, you have no idea if there's attraction/chemistry until you meet them in person, so you might as well figure out whether or not it's even worth the risk of going through the trouble to find out - i.e., "get to know them a little better." Because if you find out some base incompatibilities or dealbreakers, it doesn't matter if you find him attractive or feel chemistry.

July 17, 2015

I just don't see "how" you can get to know someone based on their online profile, texts, and/or a phone call...you gotta meet them in person.

It's not that you know you like them from online/phone/text, it's that you can find out that you absolutely don't. If you pay attention to those first several communications, you can nix a lot of people and not have to waste their or your time.

July 17, 2015

It's not that you know you like them from online/phone/text, it's that you can find out that you absolutely don't. If you pay attention to those first several communications, you can nix a lot of people and not have to waste their or your time.

There's people in real life who know nothing about their SOs and some are even married and/or have kids with them. On a computer I have even more control on what I want you to hear/see/know.

Like right now I'm texting a relative. I wanna really say that they "gotta figure it out on their own", but what did I just text? The opposite of that...and, they'll never know.

July 17, 2015

Online makes this difficult so that the only thing left is to pay attention to what is being said on the profile and by messenger/text/phone for a little while before meeting.

So all of a sudden its ok to accept a guy on his word that you havent met yet? I still dont buy it. Any guy can act "proper" to get the woman to meet. Just because a woman spends X amount of time communicating with a guy before meeting doesnt prove anything. It may make a woman feel more comfortable, but that feeling isnt based on anything except her presumed intuition of who the guy is. The most logical thing to do is to meet within a few days(in a nice safe public venue). That was you bypass all the possible bs and time wasting. Just because you have a good phone or text conversation, doesnt mean you will like them in person.

July 17, 2015

some, however, start to change within a few exchanges and reveal their true natures. It is only over a period of time that you start to pick up on real character.

True! I would much rather have them creep me out via email than in person.

July 17, 2015

Umm, okay, but I wasn't woman and having read too many books on serial killers forgive a girl from wanting to try and not get found in a ditch.

So I have said it OLD and it literally meant what I said.

Why do you read into what women say? Shockingly many/most of us actually pretty literal. We actually mean exactly what we are saying.

That's because these women "thought" they knew enough about the person over what was "told" to them via email/text/phone, etc.

Like on one show, for the 1st date with some OLD guy? She had him come to pick her up at her apt door. So, she let him in and he raped her. How in the world your 1st meet with an OLD guy you're gonna have him come to your doorstep But, she "thought" she knew him.

Look, real sociopaths, do you think they don't know how to play people? One of their skills is to read people and trick them into getting comfy with them (like Ted Bundy with a cast on his arm asking for help). So, what makes you think someone hiding behind a screen isn't that skilled to manipulate?

July 17, 2015

There's people in real life who know nothing about their SOs and some are even married and/or have kids with them. On a computer I have even more control on what I want you to hear/see/know.

Like right now I'm texting a relative. I wanna really say that they "gotta figure it out on their own", but what did I just text? The opposite of that...and, they'll never know.

And...?? How does that address what I said?

With more contact/messages, you're more likely to find out he's a dud prior to meeting him in person and finding out he's a dud.

July 17, 2015

And...?? How does that address what I said?

With more contact/messages, you're more likely to find out he's a dud prior to meeting him in person and finding out he's a dud.

Investigation Discovery - "Web of Lies"

July 17, 2015

Regarding "murder porn" on Investigation Discovery....I'm thinking a reality based crime show is not the best scholarly research on how we get to know people.

I'll also say this. I am old enough to have actually dated in the 80's and 90's....and no one I knew met a guy at the mall, talked for a few minutes, had a phone chat, and then let him pick her up to go out. We were cautious back then too.

Edited July 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

July 17, 2015

I've wasted too much time "getting to know" someone first, carrying on and exchanging a lot of personal information... then, you finally meet and it's like, ugh, no. Chemistry is the illusive element, so if you want to save yourself a lot of time and energy, exchange 3-4 messages and meet for coffee or a drink to see if you click.

The other thing I'm sure many women do (and men) is to keep several on the string at once. If she's putting you off it probably means you're down on the list... or she's timid, or is inexperienced and under the delusion that pre-dating via messages is a good test of something. The best thing to do is bow out by saying, well, I'm not a big fan of extended messaging so if you change your mind drop me a note.

Bottom line, it's just a waste of time and energy to play that game under the assumption that it accomplishes anything at all. It doesn't. Take the initiative and if she's hesitant move on.

July 17, 2015

Because most women are not just looking to see if they like you sexually but will be much more into the relationship if they actually like the person. And also because you have to be an idiot to go out with any strangers without at least trying to find out if they're a nut or not.

July 17, 2015

when i tel a guy a i want to get to know him better it is for dating...or is about dating......its not only about knowing him better it is allowing him to know me better...i only say it if i am serious about dating and i make it pretty clear i am exclusive...i dont have men on a string....i date one guy at a time...if another guy asks ....while i am knowing a guy better in that regard as in intimately, i tell him i am already seeing someone....knowing a guy better to me involves intimate talks...private one on one...and its about me telling them about me...and what i dont share of myself with just any guy...so emotional intimacy...i dont think at all that its an excuse...it is a preference and how i date.......how i prefer things to go.........deb

July 17, 2015

I basically said this to my boyfriend.

I wanted to get to know him better and talk first, before agreeing to date.

I am simply a slow mover by nature. He respected this, remained patient, and after some time, we started dating.

He wanted me to be comfortable.

Pretty straightforward. *shrug*

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Whats the real reason behind the excuse "I want to get to know you better first"??

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