The REAL NC journey begins

[frigginlost]

She was trying to stop by my place and see my dog yesterday. I said I was busy, I was. I asked her what she was doing today, she said babysitting for her cousin at a house 2 blocks from where I work. I said I could drop it off there (without her seeing our dog or coming into my apartment) instead. Her apartment complex doesn't have a Dropbox, they're inside locked doors. I confirmed this morning and she said "ok great!". We've just been texting as friends for the past few days and then she asked to see each other in person, she doesn't need this iPod at all. Since she initiated it, I figured I'd go with it, we haven't seen each other in a month and she's been consistently and pleasantly responding to my texts for the past few weeks and I've been fine with the responses even if they're delayed. I don't really care anymore. I've been thinking about her less and less.

 

I'm going to be brutal with you, so forgive me.

 

You are so full of crap with that statement. If you did not care, you would not be texting her *at all* and you would not be replying to her *at all*. It is time that you stop lying to yourself, nut-up, and be a damn man.

 

 

The way I left it last time we spoke on the phone was - I need to disappear for a while

 

Which you won't, which she knows, which makes you a total and complete loser in her eyes, which allows her to toy with you, which she does.

 

with our break up and my dad passing, I haven't been myself for the past 1.5 years, maybe later we can be friends.

 

Which means nothing to her, because she knows you have no backbone and does not have to wait to be friends

 

She said she didn't think we could since she wanted me to move on and any girl I was with wouldn't want me talking to my ex, yet she continued to talk to me after that and now wants to meet up in person.

 

Which means, she knows she can say "all the right things" about you moving on, knowing absolutely that you will not.

 

Like I said before, she probably has another bf, but he won't be there tonight and I'm looking better than ever so why not stop by, give her her stuff, talk for a few min and then leave.

 

Um... because you'll look like a schmuck, feed her ego, set yourself back, and prove to her that you're her bitch?

 

Maybe if she's looking super hot I'll miss her and it will set me back a little bit, but maybe she'll look plain, average and stressed and it will be helpful.

 

There is no setting you back. You have not taken one step forward...

 

Rav, we are trying to help. We know what you are going through, for once buddy, listen to us....

[quattrob]

What I learned about Rav is that whatever comes out of his mouth/posts does not match his actions and feelings. All he's doing is lying to himself and being delusional. His actions speak clearer than his posts about going "NC" and that he's "fine" or "dont care". Perhaps pride and ego is getting the best of him i dont know, all I know is it wont matter what anyone else says, he's going to keep doing what he wants to do. Guess some people have learn it the hard way.

[ravfour4]

I guess I could surprise her by just dropping it in the mailbox and leaving, she wouldn't expect that at all.

[Simon Phoenix]

What I learned about Rav is that whatever comes out of his mouth/posts does not match his actions and feelings. All he's doing is lying to himself and being delusional. His actions speak clearer than his posts about going "NC" and that he's "fine" or "dont care". Perhaps pride and ego is getting the best of him i dont know, all I know is it wont matter what anyone else says, he's going to keep doing what he wants to do. Guess some people have learn it the hard way.

 

I feel like David Spade in this clip sometimes when I'm interacting with him.

 

[dangerbang]

I once called him the Davy Crockett of the Alamo of Love. That was not too far from the truth.

 

Hahaha that's brilliant. You made me laugh out loud in a pub 1000s of miles from you!

[dangerbang]

I guess I could surprise her by just dropping it in the mailbox and leaving, she wouldn't expect that at all.

 

You're not doing it to surprise her, you're doing it for your own good.

[54JA]

I don't really care anymore. I've been thinking about her less and less.

 

 

Did you really mean this? You know, even if you didn't, that's totally fine too. (Almost) no one will judge you even if you wrote, "I can't stop thinking about her," "I miss her so much!" etc. There is nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel and sharing that with others here. That's what this forum is for. People will understand and can relate to you.

 

You said before that you are writing here for yourself, and are not seeking advice. So, if this is true, it's all the more reasons why you should be honest about your feelings because you are doing it for yourself. But when you say you don't care, yet are able to recall every conversation with her/details of her life, I have to wonder if you are just trying to create an image of a "tough guy who has his sh*t together." But to whom? Us, the LSers? Or yourself? And for what reason!? I don't understand. Forget NC at this point. It's OK to admit that you can't do it right now. At this point, it might be more beneficial for you to scale it back and just focus on learning how to be honest with yourself and see how you are really feeling, no matter how ugly it is.

[ravfour4]

Appreciate that perspective 54JA, in general, I feel fairly neutral about it, especially the past few weeks after not seeing her or hearing her voice for a month. If I think about her, I don't really care what she's up to and when I think about who she could be with, it doesn't bother me all that much. It bothers me logically, but not emotionally.

 

Sometimes at nighttime as I'm falling asleep I'll think about what she did and get angry about it, but I'm rarely sad anymore. She definitely frequents my mind, but it's not with blind hope, vivid memories or intense sadness like it was before. It's more of just a neutral thought with some "I miss her in my life".

 

After the break up, she hated me, I was needy and pushy and I hated her too. I couldn't comprehend why she wouldn't want to talk to me or how she could go from caring so much to not at all - as so many fellow LSers experience. I was locked in a state of extreme emotion, anytime she'd want to meet up I became extremely excited up until a few minutes before, when I became extremely nervous. I saw her as my ex gf, not as the woman she is and I was incredibly hopeful and lost.

 

With this month apart, it has given me a lot of perspective. I feel as if both of us have finally crawled out of the incredibly violate emotional abyss we were stuck in, for totally different reasons and with totally different motives and desires.

 

Earlier today I checked her IG and noticed that the married man has posted a lot of pictures and made his account private, I assumed they're back together and felt angry/sad/emotional. It faded after a few minutes and logic overcame (finally logic is beating my emotions) - who cares, she's single, you knew she was probably with someone, just go over and drop off her stuff.

 

I went over, as I'm sure you all could have predicted, and had an enjoyable hour long conversation. None of it was focused on us, none of it was us blaming each other. It was the type of conversation LSers talk about - "if you want someone back, go NC for months and months, then meet each other and don't try to revive the relationship, just be with each other". She asked me if I wanted to hold the baby and I did. She told me I looked great. She asked me if I had a gf, I said no, I'm meeting people but mainly just falling in love with myself and trying to be the best me I can be. I asked her, she said no, and that she's on match.com. I said I was proud of her, because being single is harder than jumping from relationship to relationship. I said I thought she may go back to something and she said adimantly "ha! No way, I don't even think about that, I barely even remember that it happened". She told me if I ever went on vacation she could watch my dog, gave me a movie back she had and talked about work

 

I left the conversation happy without a false sense of hope. She's single, I'm single and she's choosing to meet random people on Match.com. Clearly, I'm not under consideration right now and she's 100% over me. For once, I'm ok with that. I've made large improvements to myself since the break up and she's pretty much the same old person - still lost in various aspects. It felt like seeing a best friend after not seeing them for 5 years - where everything just falls into place and seems normal. I told her to let me know if she wanted to hit the dog park up, she said ok, gave me a hug and I left. Success. If only I had went NC from the get go, maybe this is how we could have started talking again, rather than the complete mess of a reconciliation attempt we had before that solidified to her that we'd never work.

 

And to clarify, by success I mean, I saw her - maintained dignity, rarely talked about us, never said anything negative about each other and left feeling calm and confident without any sadness. I imagine she'll contact me again, but I don't plan to reach out - just like I don't push hard with any of the new women I'm meeting. If she wants to pull, maybe I'll entertain it, but I'm no longer making the mistake of pushing like I have for so long.

Edited July 24, 2015 by ravfour4

[mtnbiker3000]

she wouldn't expect that at all.

 

= attempted manipulation

[frigginlost]

Appreciate that perspective 54JA, in general, I feel fairly neutral about it, especially the past few weeks after not seeing her or hearing her voice for a month. If I think about her, I don't really care what she's up to and when I think about who she could be with, it doesn't bother me all that much. It bothers me logically, but not emotionally.

 

Sometimes at nighttime as I'm falling asleep I'll think about what she did and get angry about it, but I'm rarely sad anymore. She definitely frequents my mind, but it's not with blind hope, vivid memories or intense sadness like it was before. It's more of just a neutral thought with some "I miss her in my life".

 

After the break up, she hated me, I was needy and pushy and I hated her too. I couldn't comprehend why she wouldn't want to talk to me or how she could go from caring so much to not at all - as so many fellow LSers experience. I was locked in a state of extreme emotion, anytime she'd want to meet up I became extremely excited up until a few minutes before, when I became extremely nervous. I saw her as my ex gf, not as the woman she is and I was incredibly hopeful and lost.

 

With this month apart, it has given me a lot of perspective. I feel as if both of us have finally crawled out of the incredibly violate emotional abyss we were stuck in, for totally different reasons and with totally different motives and desires.

 

Earlier today I checked her IG and noticed that the married man has posted a lot of pictures and made his account private, I assumed they're back together and felt angry/sad/emotional. It faded after a few minutes and logic overcame (finally logic is beating my emotions) - who cares, she's single, you knew she was probably with someone, just go over and drop off her stuff.

 

I went over, as I'm sure you all could have predicted, and had an enjoyable hour long conversation. None of it was focused on us, none of it was us blaming each other. It was the type of conversation LSers talk about - "if you want someone back, go NC for months and months, then meet each other and don't try to revive the relationship, just be with each other". She asked me if I wanted to hold the baby and I did. She told me I looked great. She asked me if I had a gf, I said no, I'm meeting people but mainly just falling in love with myself and trying to be the best me I can be. I asked her, she said no, and that she's on match.com. I said I was proud of her, because being single is harder than jumping from relationship to relationship. I said I thought she may go back to something and she said adimantly "ha! No way, I don't even think about that, I barely even remember that it happened". She told me if I ever went on vacation she could watch my dog, gave me a movie back she had and talked about work

 

I left the conversation happy without a false sense of hope. She's single, I'm single and she's choosing to meet random people on Match.com. Clearly, I'm not under consideration right now and she's 100% over me. For once, I'm ok with that. I've made large improvements to myself since the break up and she's pretty much the same old person - still lost in various aspects. It felt like seeing a best friend after not seeing them for 5 years - where everything just falls into place and seems normal. I told her to let me know if she wanted to hit the dog park up, she said ok, gave me a hug and I left. Success. If only I had went NC from the get go, maybe this is how we could have started talking again, rather than the complete mess of a reconciliation attempt we had before that solidified to her that we'd never work.

 

And to clarify, by success I mean, I saw her - maintained dignity, rarely talked about us, never said anything negative about each other and left feeling calm and confident without any sadness. I imagine she'll contact me again, but I don't plan to reach out - just like I don't push hard with any of the new women I'm meeting. If she wants to pull, maybe I'll entertain it, but I'm no longer making the mistake of pushing like I have for so long.

 

Sigh....

 

You'll reach out within a week if you don't hear from her. You're fooling nobody. Including her.

[ravfour4]

Yeah I'll contact her here and there, but I won't ask her to meet up or push in that regard.

[drade]

Yeah I'll contact her here and there, but I won't ask her to meet up or push in that regard.

 

Six pages later, and your still not sticking to NC? I think staying in contact has made you loose your sanity. Stay away from this chick, leave her alone, move on!!!!

[54JA]

Why is the title of your thread REAL NC Journey Begins!?

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah I'll contact her here and there, but I won't ask her to meet up or push in that regard.

 

http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9cckmRlJK1rd2qw6o1_400.gif

[ravfour4]

Haha I started the thread because I was mad she wasn't responding, I was fed up and said that's it, time for NC. She doesn't deserve to hear from me anymore.

 

Then she started replying nicely and consistently and it was like ok well I guess I'll go with this, while focusing on myself and meeting other women and friends. As long as I'm not overthinking, anxious or being consumed by it, then it's just talking to another person. In a way, I'm sort of using it as an emotional crutch.

 

Anyways, we can end this thread. I mainly want to just document my thoughts and since I don't feel consumed by her and the idea of her being with another man doesn't bother me that much anymore, I don't feel the need to go NC. I feel like I conquered my goal of healing even with LC. I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm getting there. Today was a positive affirmation of my progress. I was an emotional mess before. Logic is back and dictates my actions and response.

Edited July 24, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

Oddly, I've thought about her the least today than I have in months. Just being friendly with each other with some consistency and seeing how she's still struggling to find herself and a career while I've made major strides forward really helped. Is it possible that I kept my hand in the fire so long that it became fire proof? That was my goal and I feel closer to it than ever.

[frigginlost]

Oddly, I've thought about her the least today than I have in months. Just being friendly with each other with some consistency and seeing how she's still struggling to find herself and a career while I've made major strides forward really helped. Is it possible that I kept my hand in the fire so long that it became fire proof? That was my goal and I feel closer to it than ever.

 

No.

 

You just saw her, and had your drug fix. Your withdrawal symptoms we be coming along shortly.

 

Then you'll cave.

 

Then she'll string you along some more.

 

Then you'll continue to lie to yourself.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat, until you man up.

[ravfour4]

Caving doesn't have a meaning at this point, I'm just contacting another person, who happened to be my gf a long time ago. I don't regret it or feel bad after I do it.

 

In the past after I left her I felt extremely happy and optimistic, I would over analyze the things she said and get excited about the prospect of hanging out more. This time, I just didn't think about her at all, for the first time in months, it felt amazing. Sure I may contact her again, but it's not with the hopes of her being my gf, it's just because she's being her normal fun to hang out with self.

 

You all can think what you want, but I've been fairly level headed throughout this thread. Until I come back here saying "omg I'm so sad, I shouldn't have reached out", i think what I'm doing (LC and one enjoyable meet up) is just fine. You're all so damn persistent on NC and assume just because I'm posting on here I'm a mess (like most are). I'm good, works going better than ever, I look better than ever, I'm meeting new friends and women and now my ex is finally stopped being a psycho. Life's pretty good right now.

 

I made the thread at a weak moment and now it's just fun to defend myself and get into little debates with fellow LSers. If I come back sad, you can all throw a big "I told you so", but until then....take it easy.

[BriNyc82]

Rav as long as you feel good that's all that matters. But we just know how sometimes this stuff can be so cloudy. That neutral place is a good place to be! Like you can acknowledge something, but it doesn't take hostage of your emotions.

[frigginlost]

Rav as long as you feel good that's all that matters. But we just know how sometimes this stuff can be so cloudy. That neutral place is a good place to be! Like you can acknowledge something, but it doesn't take hostage of your emotions.

 

Call me a pessimistic fool, but denial is not just a river...

 

From my view in the cheap seats, what he is doing is so grossly unhealthy that it may take years to recover from.

 

His interactions have not been low contact. He has given himself zero time to actually grieve properly (all by himself) with a period of either true low contact or absolutely none. He has positioned himself to only tread water and it is going to bite him hard. Re-read some of his posts. There are attempts at manipulation, denial of them, and straight up conflicting statements etc.

 

None of what he has done has been for him. It has been for her, and that is the first thing he needs to admit to himself. His actions are not allowing him to move forward...

 

My opinion, of course

[ravfour4]

Still feeling fine, went out with friends downtown and she was off my mind more than ever, no desire to contact her and no expectation that she'll contact me. It's great. If you re read my posts you'll see at different points I made major realizations and those combined with seeing her just being her ok self are propelling me forward. Go ahead and assume I'm like everyone else on here, or just watch my continuing progress. What I wanted more than anything was consistency and for things to make sense, more so than wanting her back as a gf. Now the former is true and I'm not concerned with the latter.

[ravfour4]

Venting: Ah, rough day today. Not really directly related to my ex. I went out and partied last night, met a lot of new people, made new friends (male and female), smoked a bit and played some of my music for everyone. I was having a blast, then somehow I got too intoxicated, left the group and lost my phone in the process.

 

Waking up phoneless, hungover and feeling like a fool really made me miss having a girlfriend. The last time I lost my phone like that she was there and had my back. I missed the companionship, safety, comfort, support and the ability to completely be myself. I just felt lonely. Not knowing exactly how I lost my phone drove me crazy and I was worried I may have drunk texted her to boot.

 

Thankfully, I didn't - I asked her since if I had, it may have helped me remember where my phone was. Looking forward to tomorrow and a good night of sleep. Also looking forward to someday having that companionship etc. once again with a new girlfriend

[frigginlost]

Venting: Ah, rough day today. Not really directly related to my ex. I went out and partied last night, met a lot of new people, made new friends (male and female), smoked a bit and played some of my music for everyone. I was having a blast, then somehow I got too intoxicated, left the group and lost my phone in the process.

 

Waking up phoneless, hungover and feeling like a fool really made me miss having a girlfriend. The last time I lost my phone like that she was there and had my back. I missed the companionship, safety, comfort, support and the ability to completely be myself. I just felt lonely. Not knowing exactly how I lost my phone drove me crazy and I was worried I may have drunk texted her to boot.

 

Thankfully, I didn't - I asked her since if I had, it may have helped me remember where my phone was. Looking forward to tomorrow and a good night of sleep. Also looking forward to someday having that companionship etc. once again with a new girlfriend

 

Short version:

 

The withdrawals hit.

 

You needed a reason for a fix.

 

You caved.

 

She knows (again) the hook is still set.

 

You're lying to yourself again.

 

Contacting her to see if you drunk texted her because it might help you find it? Riiiiigggggghhhhhtttt.....

 

Dude, there is not a woman that walks upright that would entertain a relationship with you with how transparent your feelings are regarding your ex...

[ravfour4]

We had talked the day before, I didn't feel any need to cave or any withdrawl.

 

I was incredibly worried that I could have called or texted her while wasted and I didn't have m my phone to prove one way or another. That would be a gigantic step back in my healing to do that while wasted, especially if I had said I still loved her or anything like that. I didn't text her today to help me find my phone or to chat, I texted her because I felt a need to know whether or not I had done something incredibly stupid the night before. I knew the text made me look weak but I felt the need to know. I've been feeling more progress than ever the past week or two (she's finally not on my mind all the time) and having been so drunk that I lost my phone, I was worried I could have called her and if I had, it would have really made me question myself (like getting so drunk that I lost my phone did...). Once after my break-up with my ex before her I got all wasted and lost my phone, then found out I had went to my ex's place and passed out in the hallway and her roommate ended up finding it. Certainly not my finest moment and I was incredibly scared that I could have done something like that again. Thankfully, I did not.

 

Yes, she know there's still a hook because I reply to her texts and answer her calls and yes I know that any woman I met would not be cool with me being in contact with my ex.

Edited July 27, 2015 by ravfour4

[frigginlost]

We had talked the day before, I didn't feel any need to cave or any withdrawl.

 

I was incredibly worried that I could have called or texted her while wasted and I didn't have m my phone to prove one way or another. That would be a gigantic step back in my healing to do that while wasted, especially if I had said I still loved her or anything like that. I didn't text her today to help me find my phone or to chat, I texted her because I felt a need to know whether or not I had done something incredibly stupid the night before. I knew the text made me look weak but I felt the need to know. I've been feeling more progress than ever the past week or two (she's finally not on my mind all the time) and having been so drunk that I lost my phone, I was worried I could have called her and if I had, it would have really made me question myself (like getting so drunk that I lost my phone did...). Once after my break-up with my ex before her I got all wasted and lost my phone, then found out I had went to my ex's place and passed out in the hallway and her roommate ended up finding it. Certainly not my finest moment and I was incredibly scared that I could have done something like that again. Thankfully, I did not.

 

Yes, she know there's still a hook because I reply to her texts and answer her calls and yes I know that any woman I met would not be cool with me being in contact with my ex.

 

Honestly, and sorry for being brutal, but everything you wrote above is nothing more than being weak. Pathetically weak. And quite honestly I don't get why you can't see it.

 

Look, we all look for reasons to contact, but only the strong who want to heal, don't do it. You really need to quit lying to yourself...

 

I too got absolutely trashed Friday night. The last song the DJ played was a song my ex's little girl would sing to me while laying on my chest every morning (Happy by Pharrell). I wanted to text my ex so F'ing bad I thought I was going to die.

 

Instead... I got home and cried.

 

Man up, dude.

Edited July 27, 2015 by frigginlost