Author ravfour4 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 @friggin - alright, I'll consider @quattrob - I could go into a deep abyss of cyclical thinking that explains how she acted the way she did because of what I did and that I was acting that way because she was being a terrible girlfriend for years, but I'm not going to. Before I was blaming myself, it was keeping me stuck, it was making me think if I changed I could get her back and it was just the wrong way to think about it. I was always there for her the first 3 amazing years and she was rarely there for me. After putting up with the **** for 3 years I started to set boundaries and say screw you, you can't treat me like that to her. She got mad, couldn't voice her concerns, kept being uncaring and jumped ship. It's not delusional, it's the most logical I've been thinking this entire time. It's the truth. Duh, everyone who leaves someone does it for a reason...obviously. It doesn't mean that the reason was valid and she had no role to play, it doesn't justify how she treated me like **** before and after the break up and then tried to turn it all on me to relieve her guilt of doing it while my father was passing. Its the correct way to think about it, it's the truth and it's helpful in moving forward and not allowing the decisions she made to make me question my self worth
Simon Phoenix Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 The ex is gone, I was responding to Simons comment about any girl I'm with would hate me taking to and hanging out with an ex - totally agree and I would stop right away. But the simple fact that you are doing it in the first place is a huge red flag. It's just a really, really bad look and the more you spin it in your favor and do mental gymnastics to try to justify what you are doing, the worse you look. You aren't doing No Contact. You aren't even doing limited contact. What you are doing is regular contact. And with an ex that's just not remotely prudent or attractive. I feel the same way as frigginlost -- your ex's respect for you is pretty much zero at this point. When you try to date her she won't hook up with you, when you request time apart she tugs at you (even though she probably rolls her eyes when you say this because she knows you won't actually do it), when you come on strong she delays her response or ignores you completely. None of that is good for you. Every time you send her these little jokes, you are digging a deeper hole, not only for yourself, but for her attraction toward you as a romantic option. If you were to do limited contact (which you can't because you've completely nuked the "limited" part already), you'd be in contact once every two weeks, or even less than that. Certainly no more than once a week. You can't even go three days without sending her something or responding. Women like a challenge. Women like a guy who can stand on his own two feet and has his own stuff going on. You have none of that right now in her mind. You'd earn a lot more respect from her by showing at least a modicum of self-control. You need more than 30 days away from contact from her, but you need to get to 30 just to prove, mostly to yourself, that you have the self-discipline to not chase and hover around your ex-girlfriend. All you are to her is an ego boost. Your chasing and hovering makes her feel attractive, but it kills her attraction to you. 3
Author ravfour4 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 @54JA - she's a pseudo friend on the sidelines of my life. I contact her because she was the person I cared about more than anyone in the world and she made me feel like this was all my fault after the break-up. I also don't have any close friends (most recently moved) and my family is a mess because of my dads passing. She made it seem like what we had was nothing. Since then, she's owned up to all her mistakes (before the breakup) and her equal role in the break-up. She's also said we were absolutely perfect and it sucks it didn't work out. Talking to her and having her respond makes me feel likes she's a normal person and that I wasn't blind to being with a psycho for 4 years. It validates that what we had was what I thought it was, even with the explosive and distratrous ending.
Author ravfour4 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) @simon - yeah I agree, it's just weird going a week without talking, she always breaks it if I don't and ignoring her seems counterproductive to building trust/attraction again, although I guess the mystery would help. We also texted nearly all day everyday (not an obscene amount and when we lived together just a few times a day) since we first met 4 years ago. Going a week seems like an eternity for some reason. And she's not rolling her eyes when I say I won't contact her. If she were to post her true thoughts on here they'd be twice as crazy, she's just as needy, but is twice as emotional and has no concept of why she feels the way she does. I bet if someone asked her why she's still talking to me she'd say idk it feels good or something like that and if they asked her how it makes me feel she'd probably say "idk...never thought about it" Edited July 22, 2015 by ravfour4
Simon Phoenix Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 @simon - yeah I agree, it's just weird going a week without talking, she always breaks it if I don't and ignoring her seems counterproductive to building trust/attraction again, although I guess the mystery would help. We also texted nearly all day everyday (not an obscene amount and when we lived together just a few times a day) since we first met 4 years ago. Going a week seems like an eternity for some reason. First of all, No Contact is a one-person thing, not a team thing. She doesn't break your No Contact by texting you, you do when you respond like a spineless, friend-zoned wuss. Second of all, yes, it's counterintuitive, but the only way to get out of the dungeon you've constructed for yourself is to do something different. What you are doing is insane and idiotic. And I don't care if you texted each other every day when you were dating because YOU AREN'T DATING ANYMORE!!! 1
Author ravfour4 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Alright alright! I always appreciate a good debate w you, or whatever you'd like to call it, perhaps you trying to penetrate my resistant and persistent mind. Going NC now feels better than before, she's not painting me black to reduce her guilt, she likes me now and has some (sure, not much) respect for me, but I'd say a lot more than right after the break up when she was a heartless bitch! Hopefully her new roommate smacked some sense into her. The only person she had to talk to about things before was a guy who had been hitting on her for years and was a complete mess himself leaving his wife and kids house crying at her doorstep and bashing me. Now that guy deserves zero respect.
54JA Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 ignoring her seems counterproductive to building trust/attraction again, although I guess the mystery would help. I don't believe building trust/attraction with her is necessary especially if you are actively seeking new women to meet and is planning on her being "gone" when you meet the right person. I think NOT ignoring her is counterproductive to your growth as a person. It seems you are procrastinating in facing reality and life on your own. 1
Author ravfour4 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 @54JA - Agreed, I think I just fear that going NC will make seeing her in person when we live near each other super awkward, but i guess who cares if it's just a few minutes of awkwardness 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 @54JA - Agreed, I think I just fear that going NC will make seeing her in person when we live near each other super awkward, but i guess who cares if it's just a few minutes of awkwardness So you'd rather stay in neutral in your life because it might be awkward if you ever see her randomly walking around? Do you realize how stupid that sounds?
Author ravfour4 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 I guess it seemed inevitable that we'd start hanging out again once we lived close, but it most certainly doesn't have to be. I'm considering subletting to move to the other side of downtown, closer to my work anyways.
54JA Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 @54JA - Agreed, I think I just fear that going NC will make seeing her in person when we live near each other super awkward, but i guess who cares if it's just a few minutes of awkwardness I'm glad you admitted you have fear. When I read people's posts, I see strengths and hope when they are able to openly admit their weaknesses (fear, loneliness, obsession, etc.). When people are honest about their fears and weaknesses, I think they have a better chance of making real progress. There is nothing wrong with admitting things like, "I am afraid of being alone," "I'm still hurting over my ex," "I'm having a hard time with XYZ" etc. On the other hand, I feel that it's hopeless when people can't admit to having weaknesses. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I'm glad you admitted you have fear. When I read people's posts, I see strengths and hope when they are able to openly admit their weaknesses (fear, loneliness, obsession, etc.). When people are honest about their fears and weaknesses, I think they have a better chance of making real progress. There is nothing wrong with admitting things like, "I am afraid of being alone," "I'm still hurting over my ex," "I'm having a hard time with XYZ" etc. On the other hand, I feel that it's hopeless when people can't admit to having weaknesses. Agreed. Admitting weakness is a huge sign of strength. Trying to force things to be hunky-dory when they most obviously are not is a huge sign of weakness.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Women like a challenge. Women like a guy who can stand on his own two feet and has his own stuff going on. You have none of that right now in her mind. You'd earn a lot more respect from her by showing at least a modicum of self-control. Ding, ding, ding... We have a winner!!! You need more than 30 days away from contact from her, but you need to get to 30 just to prove, mostly to yourself, that you have the self-discipline to not chase and hover around your ex-girlfriend. All you are to her is an ego boost. Your chasing and hovering makes her feel attractive, but it kills her attraction to you. Trust me, this is absolutely, 100% correct. Believe it or not, after about three weeks of sorting bills, belongings and other BS (including a small amount of tears and general wussiness on my part), I have literally been in 100% NC since my BU in early 2013. That's right, 2.5 years ago, look at my join date. Still think about her? Of course. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just like any scar, it will probably be with me forever, but I kinda forget its there. At least that's how it feels for me as our RS, like most on here I assume, was the real deal, and I was "all-in" for the first time in my life (took me till my 30's). I've actually gotten to a point to where I really hope she is happy in her life!! But I still don't contact her and have never once FB stalked her. NC helped me separate myself from her, and it will do the same for you.
Author ravfour4 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 She called me today at work and asked if she could get her iPod today on the way to a friends, for her driving trip in a week (the same mini iPod we played all the time when we first met). I know she doesn't have a charger for it or the car aux cord you need so it seems like just an excuse to stop by. I said I was busy (I was) and that I could drop it off at her aunts tmrw while she's babysitting her niece at her aunt and uncles near my workplace. I'd like to meet the niece, I was very close to her cousins. Talking to her on the phone was as normal as ever, I ended it shortly saying I was busy and I guess I'll see her tomorrow. I expect nothing, I know she no longer loves me. I was surprised she called though.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) Again, textbook stuff here by her. Right out of chapter 1. Of course it's an excuse. But your mistaken on the desired outcome she is searching for. It has nothing to do with you, your well-being or your benefit. It's simply a method for her to keep tabs on you and make sure you are still stuck, which is what she really wants. This is all for her!! An ego boost. A power / control trip. Nothing more. She doesn't want to get back with you or hook up you. Guaranteed!!! Edited July 23, 2015 by mtnbiker3000
Simon Phoenix Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 She called me today at work and asked if she could get her iPod today on the way to a friends, for her driving trip in a week (the same mini iPod we played all the time when we first met). I know she doesn't have a charger for it or the car aux cord you need so it seems like just an excuse to stop by. I said I was busy (I was) and that I could drop it off at her aunts tmrw while she's babysitting her niece at her aunt and uncles near my workplace. I'd like to meet the niece, I was very close to her cousins. Talking to her on the phone was as normal as ever, I ended it shortly saying I was busy and I guess I'll see her tomorrow. I expect nothing, I know she no longer loves me. I was surprised she called though. Dude.......... 1
dangerbang Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Get rid of the iPod without meeting her ASAP. How the hell do you know if she has a charger for it or not? Why the f*ck would you want to meet this niece? Ask yourself why? Why the hell were you talking to your ex on the phone? You need to stop this messing right now and start afresh, your digging deeper and deeper as things stand.
Author ravfour4 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 @mtnbiker - yeah I know, just seems weird to want to keep someone stuck when you say you don't love them and want them to move on and meet someone better and less crazy. Then again, her words have meant nothing for the past few months. @simon - yep, it will be a quick drop off, I'm going with the assumption that she already has another bf. Expecting nothing. @danger - because she's stubborn and I know what she took when she moved out (very little) and hung out in her barren apartment a few times after that. Also know she uses Bluetooth in her car. I'm not going out of my way to meet the niece, she's a baby and I've seen a lot of pictures online so I wouldn't mind meeting her in person while dropping it off (I said I'd keep the iPod for her a few days ago, it'd be weird and all emotional to then ignore). I talked to her because she called, I had no plans to call her myself, i told myself if she reached out I'd answer, shows she was thinking "hey, I'll call him, I want to see him and get my iPod" vs. "ah, he's texting me and wants to meet up....idk"
dangerbang Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Put it in the letterbox. No need to talk to her. You won't take on this suggestion, what's your excuse for not doing it this way?
frigginlost Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) She called me today at work and asked if she could get her iPod today on the way to a friends, for her driving trip in a week (the same mini iPod we played all the time when we first met). I know she doesn't have a charger for it or the car aux cord you need so it seems like just an excuse to stop by. I said I was busy (I was) and that I could drop it off at her aunts tmrw while she's babysitting her niece at her aunt and uncles near my workplace. I'd like to meet the niece, I was very close to her cousins. Talking to her on the phone was as normal as ever, I ended it shortly saying I was busy and I guess I'll see her tomorrow. I expect nothing, I know she no longer loves me. I was surprised she called though. I wish this post actually said something manly like: "She called today. I didn't answer. Then I blocked her number". Dude! Just stop! How do you not see that these interactions with her are absolutely destroying you? It makes no difference how you are reacting to her. She knows you will! Get it? Edited July 23, 2015 by frigginlost 3
Simon Phoenix Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 @mtnbiker - yeah I know, just seems weird to want to keep someone stuck when you say you don't love them and want them to move on and meet someone better and less crazy. Then again, her words have meant nothing for the past few months. @simon - yep, it will be a quick drop off, I'm going with the assumption that she already has another bf. Expecting nothing. @danger - because she's stubborn and I know what she took when she moved out (very little) and hung out in her barren apartment a few times after that. Also know she uses Bluetooth in her car. I'm not going out of my way to meet the niece, she's a baby and I've seen a lot of pictures online so I wouldn't mind meeting her in person while dropping it off (I said I'd keep the iPod for her a few days ago, it'd be weird and all emotional to then ignore). I talked to her because she called, I had no plans to call her myself, i told myself if she reached out I'd answer, shows she was thinking "hey, I'll call him, I want to see him and get my iPod" vs. "ah, he's texting me and wants to meet up....idk" You specifically tried to schedule the drop off at a time that she'd be there. You're being manipulative and plotting again. And you are going to respond if she calls? You really aren't very smart are you?
Author ravfour4 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 She was trying to stop by my place and see my dog yesterday. I said I was busy, I was. I asked her what she was doing today, she said babysitting for her cousin at a house 2 blocks from where I work. I said I could drop it off there (without her seeing our dog or coming into my apartment) instead. Her apartment complex doesn't have a Dropbox, they're inside locked doors. I confirmed this morning and she said "ok great!". We've just been texting as friends for the past few days and then she asked to see each other in person, she doesn't need this iPod at all. Since she initiated it, I figured I'd go with it, we haven't seen each other in a month and she's been consistently and pleasantly responding to my texts for the past few weeks and I've been fine with the responses even if they're delayed. I don't really care anymore. I've been thinking about her less and less. The way I left it last time we spoke on the phone was - I need to disappear for a while, with our break up and my dad passing, I haven't been myself for the past 1.5 years, maybe later we can be friends. She said she didn't think we could since she wanted me to move on and any girl I was with wouldn't want me talking to my ex, yet she continued to talk to me after that and now wants to meet up in person. Like I said before, she probably has another bf, but he won't be there tonight and I'm looking better than ever so why not stop by, give her her stuff, talk for a few min and then leave. Maybe if she's looking super hot I'll miss her and it will set me back a little bit, but maybe she'll look plain, average and stressed and it will be helpful.
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 You specifically tried to schedule the drop off at a time that she'd be there. You're being manipulative and plotting again. And you are going to respond if she calls? You really aren't very smart are you? She was trying to stop by my place and see my dog yesterday. I said I was busy, I was. I asked her what she was doing today, she said babysitting for her cousin at a house 2 blocks from where I work. I said I could drop it off there (without her seeing our dog or coming into my apartment) instead. Her apartment complex doesn't have a Dropbox, they're inside locked doors. I confirmed this morning and she said "ok great!". We've just been texting as friends for the past few days and then she asked to see each other in person, she doesn't need this iPod at all. Since she initiated it, I figured I'd go with it, we haven't seen each other in a month and she's been consistently and pleasantly responding to my texts for the past few weeks and I've been fine with the responses even if they're delayed. I don't really care anymore. I've been thinking about her less and less. The way I left it last time we spoke on the phone was - I need to disappear for a while, with our break up and my dad passing, I haven't been myself for the past 1.5 years, maybe later we can be friends. She said she didn't think we could since she wanted me to move on and any girl I was with wouldn't want me talking to my ex, yet she continued to talk to me after that and now wants to meet up in person. Like I said before, she probably has another bf, but he won't be there tonight and I'm looking better than ever so why not stop by, give her her stuff, talk for a few min and then leave. Maybe if she's looking super hot I'll miss her and it will set me back a little bit, but maybe she'll look plain, average and stressed and it will be helpful. Simon, ever get the feeling that you and the Ravmeister are just talking past each other? I once called him the Davy Crockett of the Alamo of Love. That was not too far from the truth. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 She was trying to stop by my place and see my dog yesterday. I said I was busy, I was. I asked her what she was doing today, she said babysitting for her cousin at a house 2 blocks from where I work. I said I could drop it off there (without her seeing our dog or coming into my apartment) instead. Her apartment complex doesn't have a Dropbox, they're inside locked doors. I confirmed this morning and she said "ok great!". We've just been texting as friends for the past few days and then she asked to see each other in person, she doesn't need this iPod at all. Since she initiated it, I figured I'd go with it, we haven't seen each other in a month and she's been consistently and pleasantly responding to my texts for the past few weeks and I've been fine with the responses even if they're delayed. I don't really care anymore. I've been thinking about her less and less. The way I left it last time we spoke on the phone was - I need to disappear for a while, with our break up and my dad passing, I haven't been myself for the past 1.5 years, maybe later we can be friends. She said she didn't think we could since she wanted me to move on and any girl I was with wouldn't want me talking to my ex, yet she continued to talk to me after that and now wants to meet up in person. Like I said before, she probably has another bf, but he won't be there tonight and I'm looking better than ever so why not stop by, give her her stuff, talk for a few min and then leave. Maybe if she's looking super hot I'll miss her and it will set me back a little bit, but maybe she'll look plain, average and stressed and it will be helpful. Whatever man, it's clear that you are just fine on the merry-go-round repeating history. It's amazing the lengths you'll go to out of fear to prevent yourself from moving forward. You've gotten months of great advice from multiple posters, yet you keep doing the same dumb s--t the same dumb way.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Simon, ever get the feeling that you and the Ravmeister are just talking past each other? I once called him the Davy Crockett of the Alamo of Love. That was not too far from the truth. Yep, we're on different planes of existence for sure. He's in some alternate universe right now. I feel like I'm speaking a completely different language that he doesn't understand, but he keeps nodding as if it makes sense.
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