The REAL NC journey begins

[ravfour4]

@mighty - I meant if someone asked her about me, that's what she'd think. Not that she's thinking about me all the time. And anytime I don't text her she texts me (except for now) and anytime I've went NC she's came back so it's not like she's not thinking about me or us at all. I didn't think about her much today either, I just am right now after a ton of meetings because our company picnic is tomorrow and she'd always used to come. She's weak as hell and isn't out having a bunch of fun, she's a mess who needs a man to define herself. She's probably miserable and lost, not because of me, but because of her own internal struggles.

 

Plus she's been going home every weekend because she has no friends here, nor has she ever really had friends her age, she always goes for much older friends for some reason, I think it's because they won't hurt her. Previous girlfriends of hers were seen as threats to her relationship.

 

@drade - reality is that she wants to be friends but is finally realizing we can't because it hurts me too badly. It's the reality I'm living in.

[Simon Phoenix]

Today is actually day 3, I feel fine, I'm not anxious at all like I was last time, I just sincerely miss her. It stems from a deep understanding of where I went wrong, I have trouble fixating on what she did wrong in the relationship - only after, I keep seeing her in the relationship with rose colored glasses for some reason. I was so stressed and I didn't even realize it with my dad being sick that I just kind of shut down, all I did was work like crazy and smoke weed.

 

I feel like seeing her and saying...so how dumb is it that we share almost all common interests, have the same sense of humor, always have fun together, don't have many other friends in town, but aren't hanging out? I won't reach out though. I'm hoping she's missing me or thinking about me, but she very well may not be. She is probably thinking "well, it didn't work, I wanted it to, but I gave it a second chance and that didn't work either so it never will. Also miss that dog a bit..." I saw on her Instagram that she's hanging out with her old friends and acting much more like herself, I'm happy for her.

 

That's not No Contact chief. You're cutting corners again.

[ravfour4]

As expected, she texted me. A long text about her recent work accomplishments. I felt better seeing a text from her, but wasn't very excited.

 

I congratulated her and asked if she was going to a show tonight. She responded. I responded with a joke and asked how her new roommate is. She responded with a joke and asked me how our dog was. I responded with a joke and comment about our dog. She acknowledged.

 

I feel fine. I just want consistency over anything, it was just friendly communication, but it was nice to have a brief normal conversation where people respond. Nothing about it makes me think she wants me back as a bf.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, abort thread.

[aloneinaz]

Well, abort thread.

 

Hum, I was thinking "insanity, doing the same things, the same way and expecting a different outcome"...

[quattrob]

Well, abort thread.

 

Saw that coming from the moment it was posted, I wish OP good luck though.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend why don't you hire someone to tie your hands to a pole and flog you with a whip.

 

All your doing is asking for trouble. Look she dumped you three or four times for some other guy and all she's doing is keeping you around until some other guy comes in the picture and your going to be out on your ear once again.

 

The problem is you don't know when enough is enough and you making it a lot harder on yourself by wishing and hoping that a little joke here and there will make a difference. It wont.

 

Just end it. No contact of any kind. She's so hell bent on how your dog is let her buy her own and leave yours alone. She cut off contact and move on and find someone with less hassle.

[Trep]

"The REAL NC journey begins"

 

Mhmm.

[ravfour4]

Updates:

-yes, thread title is now ridiculous

-made a few important realizations over the past few days

--I forgot that I'm actually an awesome person and always was:

-- I let my worth be determined by her and when her potentially BPD self turned into a total mess at the end, I let my self esteem plummet into an abyss. I wasn't an ass to her, sure I wasn't intimate all the time because I was stressed and smoking a ton the last few months, but I always cared. I'd ask her to come hang out by me, I'd talk to her about my day and try to find fun things for us to do - she'd just complain about her work and stare at her phone. I kept asking what was wrong and she kept saying I don't know. I was doing the right things and communicating clearly, she had just already shut down on me completely and fell out of love. I got her the apartment she wanted. I moved all of our stuff without her. I communicated my thoughts concisely and completely. I said I was worried we would break up if things didn't change and i asked her why she kept taking everything I said in the most negative way.

--I can get better, but I don't need to change who I am.

 

These stupidly obvious realizations that my mind was too clouded to see have helped me turn a bit of a corner I feel like. I also bought a book on codependency since while I may not have been that codependent in the relationship based on what I've read, I was when I was younger and with my dad passing and gf leaving, it seems to be part of the reason why I can't let go.

 

While packing I saw a lot of things that reminded me of her, I sent her a picture of one of them saying "nice trip down memory lane" and she instantly replied "OMG yes! I need that for our trip soon lol".

 

She's been consistently friendly lately, doesn't mean she wants me back and doesn't make up for what she did, at all. She didn't show me any respect & destroyed my trust for her, 2 fundamental building blocks of a relationship. But, I enjoy consistency and things that are predictable. I've also learned a **** ton about relationships, people and myself through this roller coaster I've challenged my emotions to ride.

 

Just wanted to reflect

[quattrob]

So at the end of it all, you're still not doing complete NC? It's nice to reflect and all but at the end of the day if you're still keeping contact with her then the only person to hold account for in the pain which you probably will experience is you. As long as you understand that then go right ahead and enjoy your rollercoaster ride.

[ravfour4]

I do understand that. I feel myself making progress though, it's been almost 4 weeks since we last saw each other and went on that fun bike ride. The longest we haven't talked is 2 days.

 

A few days ago I offered her to come to the dog park with us sometime if she wanted and today she said she wanted that thing of hers back for her trip, but I have no intention of asking her to come. If she asks me if she can, I'll postpone and maybe allow it. But I finally accept that I can't be with her and that I could never trust her, sure maaaaybe we could hook up, but that's it. I'm much better off waiting for a girl I can be with and hook up with. A lil while ago I sent the ex a hilarious picture of her I drew while super baked a while back, she looks hideous and we cracked up at the time, when I saw it I burst out laughing. She hasn't responded and for once I didn't care, it reminded me of the time where I was very happy and kept trying to break through her shell, I kept trying to hug the porcupine but she made it near impossible. I feel myself walking out of the fog. I'm remembering her looking like that picture

[54JA]

A few days ago I offered her to come to the dog park with us sometime if she wanted and today she said she wanted that thing of hers back for her trip, but I have no intention of asking her to come.

 

When you get in contact with her, ^^ like this ^^ for example, you do so because a) because you are over her and can handle it? b) you feel guilty ignoring her? c) you miss her and still having trouble letting her go? d) you are trying to get back with her/afraid she will forget about you? OR e) of other reasons/combination of some?

 

I am confused. Do you still implement NC or have you decided that NC is not for you? If you had to (hypotherically) go, say, 3 days without texting/talking to her, can you do it without ease?

[Simon Phoenix]

I do understand that. I feel myself making progress though, it's been almost 4 weeks since we last saw each other and went on that fun bike ride. The longest we haven't talked is 2 days.

 

A few days ago I offered her to come to the dog park with us sometime if she wanted and today she said she wanted that thing of hers back for her trip, but I have no intention of asking her to come. If she asks me if she can, I'll postpone and maybe allow it. But I finally accept that I can't be with her and that I could never trust her, sure maaaaybe we could hook up, but that's it. I'm much better off waiting for a girl I can be with and hook up with. A lil while ago I sent the ex a hilarious picture of her I drew while super baked a while back, she looks hideous and we cracked up at the time, when I saw it I burst out laughing. She hasn't responded and for once I didn't care, it reminded me of the time where I was very happy and kept trying to break through her shell, I kept trying to hug the porcupine but she made it near impossible. I feel myself walking out of the fog. I'm remembering her looking like that picture

 

I realize I'm talking to a wall here and you are hellbent on doing things in the weirdest, most awkward way possible, but how do you expect to find another girl when you keep hovering around your ex? Do you think any girl you meet would be "oh cool, so you text your ex of 4.5 years who you broke up with recently silly things and you walk your dog with her, I'm cool with that"? No chance that happens -- any girl you meet will run for the hills the moment she discovers that you're hovering around your ex like you do. That's extremely off-putting.

 

And you're still analyzing every interaction with your ex, which prevents you from moving forward. Part of going No Contact is to eliminate the need/desire to analyze every interaction. You still overanalyze because you stupidly refuse to detach. You're retarding your own progress with this crap, and now you are texting her things out of the blue? Do you really think if you keep doing the exactly same thing over and over somehow everything will magically change? That's literally the definition of insanity.

 

And lol at you having an FWB with your ex. First of all, your ex friendzoned you for three weeks straight while you were trying to get her back -- she shows no interest in hooking up with you. Plus, there is absolutely no way you could emotionally handle that if you somehow were successful. The amount of time you spend lying to yourself in your threads is unbelievable. You really are a hard case.

 

I realize I'm wasting my breath. Your strategy makes absolutely no sense from any perspective, and I almost think you do it to try to prove a point to us, that you can manipulate and force any result if you're stubborn enough. Otherwise, I really don't see why you continue to bang your head against a brick wall like you do. It's asinine.

 

And maybe you're making progress. But if you are, it's basically the progress of someone trying to swim across a pool while having an anvil tied to their ankle. Maybe you're inching across the pool, but just imagine where you could be if you actually untied the anvil and swam unencumbered? You'd be on the other side of the pool, drinking a pina colada next to some bikini-clad hottie in a pool chair rather than flopping and splashing around on the other end of the pool while people are trying to figure out WTF you are doing.

 

I have no idea why I keep responding to you. For some reason, I feel that there has to be some sort of common sense and logic in you that i can appeal to do get you to drop this bulls--t. For all of the ridiculousness that you type, every so often you type something which makes me think you are actually using your brain and getting it. But then you relapse, just like you have again.

 

I'm really trying not to be mean (not sure how successful I am) and while I should let you just sit there and flop around incoherently and be amused by it, there's something in you that makes me want to get you to stop the bulls--t. But once again, I will fail, just like you will fail. Maybe I just need to tell you to just go for it and fulfill every mind-bottling impulse you have. Maybe you just need to flail in the darkness like a mental patient to finally get to where you need to go.

 

/rant

Edited July 21, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[ravfour4]

@54JA - this is the cycle I've been going through - I stop talking to her for a few days and start feeling much stronger, but still miss her presence, not necessarily having her as my gf. I desire a conversation with the "old her", which is what I essentially got last time we hung out. I start to feel the urge to reach out and think "why not? I'm feeling great right now, I don't care if she responds", and totally coincidentally usually right when I'm about to text her she texts me. I'm not that excited and we usually send a few texts back and forth and I feel fine about it, no anxiety if she takes long or doesn't respond - if anything I think "screw her, she's probably with some other guy, what a needy loser".

 

It's a mixture of feeling strong enough to contact her and missing my old best friend.

 

@Simon - I think you're right about trying to prove that you can do anything if you're persistent/stubborn enough. I'm basically telling my emotions "screw you, be stronger, stop caring" rather than protecting and shielding them by going NC. I'm progressing, but perhaps not as much as I would if I went NC. After not getting a response to that pic I sent and realizing there's nothing I'd really get from seeing her in person, I blocked her. But then this morning I felt bad unblocked her and soon got a joking "omg I hate you!" text regarding the hideous drawing of her lol. I imagine she thinks I'm "all healed" and just being her friend now, which reduces her guilt and makes her happy. I sort of crave a meet up, but seeing her looking great and knowing she can't be my gf would just be a set back. When we were together she was oblivious when guys liked her even when it was super obvious, she's probably oblivious of it with me as well. I think she has a very odd, weird and skewed perspective of what love is.

[Simon Phoenix]

But by doing that, all you are doing is portraying your weakness. You aren't being strong, you are being a needy, manipulative, hovering friend-zone guy. And you keep trying to psychoanalyze her instead of trying to figure out yourself. Why can't you go any length of time without talking to this person? Why do you feel the need to cowtow to a person who drug you through the mud? Why do you have no inner strength and backbone to be your own man? Why are you so afraid to venture out without her?

 

Like I said before, you will not be able to meet anyone new if you keep begging for table scraps from your ex (and that's exactly what you are doing). No new woman will find a person that keeps in contact with their ex the way you do a good bet for a relationship. What you are doing is unbelievably dumb and unbelievably weak.

 

I think you should set a goal -- 30 days of No Contact whatsoever. Don't tell her, don't make a big deal about it, just do it to prove to yourself that you have the strength to do it. That means blocking, that means not answering, and that certainly means not texting her stupid little notes like a manipulative tool. Honestly, she finds it lame, even if she is responding in a polite, friendly manner. It's lame because it's not genuine. You clearly have an agenda, she clearly knows your agenda, and she thinks that the fact that you feel that you can trick her into loving you again ridiculous and maybe even somewhat insulting. She's being polite and maybe laughing, but more of a cringing "laughing at you and not with you" way. Whenever you've gone from passive-aggressive to aggressively trying to get her back, she's put up a huge stop sign each and every time.

 

Take 30 days No Contact, then re-evaluate and go another 30, but if you want to test yourself, then actually do productive testing. Your current method of trying to prove "you're strong" is just you overanalyzing and lying to yourself.

 

If you want to challenge yourself, give yourself a valuable challenge. Stop being a spineless wuss and actually do something productive. Stop being a fool.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[ravfour4]

Haha alright I agree with most of that, I'd be much better off challenging myself to not talk to her for 30 days. I just feel like she'll be gone forever if I do that and I like keeping her moderately close just in case.

 

I guess without really purposefully/consciously doing it I am trying to slowly grow her attraction for me. Having not seen her for a month I continue to see things clearly, we were legitimately a great couple, better than many of the dumb couples I see getting married lately where the guy doesn't understand the woman at all, but she's so hellbent on marriage that she's going for it. I did understand her, and while I may have done things to frustrate her, that's not why the relationship ended. It ended because she jumped ship at a minimum emotionally. After she brought up her concerns I told her I'd phase off smoking, bought us tickets for a play the next night and did a handful of other things, but I could tell it was to absolutely no avail, she was already ice cold and gone. A week later we officially called it off and I'm sure she was texting that other guy the entire week, she is the reason we broke up, not me. She destroyed us and our bond, not me.

 

I don't think she sees what I'm doing as a ploy to get her back. She was blind and claimed that me taking her on dates, telling her I wanted her to be my gf, her holding my hand and sleeping over was "I thought we were just being friends". In reality I think that was her way of trying to avoid feeling guilty when she went back to the chump. When we first met she had 3 guy friends that obviously liked her, she had no clue until one tried to make a move and she was like "omg you're right". Either she was a great liar or is oblivious.

 

Now, she's texting me in a more flirty manner than she has in probably 8 months. It's either because she's trying to be a better person and realized she hurt me or she wants to be friends and thinks I'm ready (I'm not, never will be). I made a comment back about how my picture was a masterpiece and she said "shut up! Omg so mean, omg be careful paddle boarding" almost instantly. She doesn't want me back, but I don't really get why she's doing it. Maybe she finally remembered I'm awesome, even if not as a bf

[Simon Phoenix]

Haha alright I agree with most of that, I'd be much better off challenging myself to not talk to her for 30 days. I just feel like she'll be gone forever if I do that and I like keeping her moderately close just in case.

 

I guess without really purposefully/consciously doing it I am trying to slowly grow her attraction for me. Having not seen her for a month I continue to see things clearly, we were legitimately a great couple, better than many of the dumb couples I see getting married lately where the guy doesn't understand the woman at all, but she's so hellbent on marriage that she's going for it. I did understand her, and while I may have done things to frustrate her, that's not why the relationship ended. It ended because she jumped ship at a minimum emotionally. After she brought up her concerns I told her I'd phase off smoking, bought us tickets for a play the next night and did a handful of other things, but I could tell it was to absolutely no avail, she was already ice cold and gone. A week later we officially called it off and I'm sure she was texting that other guy the entire week, she is the reason we broke up, not me. She destroyed us and our bond, not me.

 

I don't think she sees what I'm doing as a ploy to get her back. She was blind and claimed that me taking her on dates, telling her I wanted her to be my gf, her holding my hand and sleeping over was "I thought we were just being friends". In reality I think that was her way of trying to avoid feeling guilty when she went back to the chump. When we first met she had 3 guy friends that obviously liked her, she had no clue until one tried to make a move and she was like "omg you're right". Either she was a great liar or is oblivious.

 

Now, she's texting me in a more flirty manner than she has in probably 8 months. It's either because she's trying to be a better person and realized she hurt me or she wants to be friends and thinks I'm ready (I'm not, never will be). I made a comment back about how my picture was a masterpiece and she said "shut up! Omg so mean, omg be careful paddle boarding" almost instantly. She doesn't want me back, but I don't really get why she's doing it. Maybe she finally remembered I'm awesome, even if not as a bf

 

Way too much overanalyzation. And you will not build up attraction hovering like you do. And she definitely knows you're trying to con her into liking you again.

 

Either way, your strategy has sucked, continues to suck, and will suck as long as you employ it. You've wasted six months on this crap and it's simply not working at all. Nor will it ever work. What you are doing is manipulative, lame and transparent. Stop being that guy. I cringe every time you post this stuff because it's just so bad.

[54JA]

Do you know what you want? If you don't know, is it important for you to know? Are you happy?

[ravfour4]

Lol I don't have some master plan though and I'm continuing to make new friends and therefore meet new women. If I was to meet one I cared about, the ex is gone like that. I'm just picky, my ex was super attractive and I like bubbly fun and outgoing women that aren't hoes, they're not the easiest to find, networking through friends is much easier because I have yet to meet women like that via online dating. Most are more shy and reserved.

 

I'm telling you, my ex is crazy, she may think "ugh, he probably still likes me...", but it's not "he's plotting to get me back". The last we talked on the phone she said "I want you to move on, I won't respond if you text me". Since then, she's been responding faster and faster and flirtier.

[54JA]

If I was to meet one I cared about, the ex is gone like that.

 

I don't understand. I thought your ex was gone already, meaning, not with you anymore.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't understand. I thought your ex was gone already, meaning, not with you anymore.

 

That's the way he should be looking at it.

[ravfour4]

I know that I need to move forward and I feel consistent forward progression that is not based on a hope of getting back with my ex. The ex is gone, I was responding to Simons comment about any girl I'm with would hate me taking to and hanging out with an ex - totally agree and I would stop right away. I imagine the same would be true for her, but it wasn't when she was with the other guy. I like talking to her because she has my same sense of humor, more so than any of my other friends and she's no longer "my psycho ex who's turned me black and blames me for everything", she's moreso "my ex who hurt me a ton, who's now realizing that and is realizing that I was and am a good guy that deserves respect and to be treated well". I'm looking to meet someone new, but I'm picky and I'm not forcing or rushing it.

[frigginlost]

Haha alright I agree with most of that, I'd be much better off challenging myself to not talk to her for 30 days. I just feel like she'll be gone forever if I do that and I like keeping her moderately close just in case.

 

I guess without really purposefully/consciously doing it I am trying to slowly grow her attraction for me. Having not seen her for a month I continue to see things clearly, we were legitimately a great couple, better than many of the dumb couples I see getting married lately where the guy doesn't understand the woman at all, but she's so hellbent on marriage that she's going for it. I did understand her, and while I may have done things to frustrate her, that's not why the relationship ended. It ended because she jumped ship at a minimum emotionally. After she brought up her concerns I told her I'd phase off smoking, bought us tickets for a play the next night and did a handful of other things, but I could tell it was to absolutely no avail, she was already ice cold and gone. A week later we officially called it off and I'm sure she was texting that other guy the entire week, she is the reason we broke up, not me. She destroyed us and our bond, not me.

 

I don't think she sees what I'm doing as a ploy to get her back. She was blind and claimed that me taking her on dates, telling her I wanted her to be my gf, her holding my hand and sleeping over was "I thought we were just being friends". In reality I think that was her way of trying to avoid feeling guilty when she went back to the chump. When we first met she had 3 guy friends that obviously liked her, she had no clue until one tried to make a move and she was like "omg you're right". Either she was a great liar or is oblivious.

 

Now, she's texting me in a more flirty manner than she has in probably 8 months. It's either because she's trying to be a better person and realized she hurt me or she wants to be friends and thinks I'm ready (I'm not, never will be). I made a comment back about how my picture was a masterpiece and she said "shut up! Omg so mean, omg be careful paddle boarding" almost instantly. She doesn't want me back, but I don't really get why she's doing it. Maybe she finally remembered I'm awesome, even if not as a bf

 

Rav. Buddy.

 

I am probably one of the very few here that does support LC. I have gone back and read your entire saga.

 

It is time. Not in an hour. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Right now, this very second you need to go No Contact. Completely. You are not looked at by her as anything more than a spineless jellyfish. She has zero respect for you. None. No matter how you spin it, the top will always fall pointing at "loser" in her eyes if you keep going the way you are. She will never say it (why whould she?). She contacts you when you stop to reset the hook. That is all.

 

Go 30 days NC. You owe your self esteem that much...

[quattrob]

Haha alright I agree with most of that, I'd be much better off challenging myself to not talk to her for 30 days. I just feel like she'll be gone forever if I do that and I like keeping her moderately close just in case.

 

I guess without really purposefully/consciously doing it I am trying to slowly grow her attraction for me. Having not seen her for a month I continue to see things clearly, we were legitimately a great couple, better than many of the dumb couples I see getting married lately where the guy doesn't understand the woman at all, but she's so hellbent on marriage that she's going for it. I did understand her, and while I may have done things to frustrate her, that's not why the relationship ended. It ended because she jumped ship at a minimum emotionally. After she brought up her concerns I told her I'd phase off smoking, bought us tickets for a play the next night and did a handful of other things, but I could tell it was to absolutely no avail, she was already ice cold and gone. A week later we officially called it off and I'm sure she was texting that other guy the entire week, she is the reason we broke up, not me. She destroyed us and our bond, not me.

 

I don't think she sees what I'm doing as a ploy to get her back. She was blind and claimed that me taking her on dates, telling her I wanted her to be my gf, her holding my hand and sleeping over was "I thought we were just being friends". In reality I think that was her way of trying to avoid feeling guilty when she went back to the chump. When we first met she had 3 guy friends that obviously liked her, she had no clue until one tried to make a move and she was like "omg you're right". Either she was a great liar or is oblivious.

 

Now, she's texting me in a more flirty manner than she has in probably 8 months. It's either because she's trying to be a better person and realized she hurt me or she wants to be friends and thinks I'm ready (I'm not, never will be). I made a comment back about how my picture was a masterpiece and she said "shut up! Omg so mean, omg be careful paddle boarding" almost instantly. She doesn't want me back, but I don't really get why she's doing it. Maybe she finally remembered I'm awesome, even if not as a bf

 

I think you're really delusional based on what you said you put blame on her for leaving you but it seems like you didn't provide what she needed and that's why she left too. Whatever the case is, you're overanalyzing everything and you're analyzing everything in a way to make yourself feel better about yourself and/or the situation. Stop being delusional you're both being extremely immature, I have no idea why I even bother to respond to your posts because the stuff you say and actually feel is total BS.

 

I'd listen to Simon's posts if I were you, the earlier the better. I wish you good luck because I'm done responding to your ridiculous choices and drama. I wish you well.

[54JA]

What role is your ex playing in your life? What needs of yours is she fulfilling?