ravfour4 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) I wanted to start a new thread to document me actually implementing NC. To see background see my thread called http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/527189-nc-journey-begins . You can see a summary of events towards the end of the thread. Here's a summarized timeline: -Met back in 2011, love at first sight. Maintained LDR for 8 months or so. -After she finished school, we moved in together. Lived in 4 different apartments over 3 years. Things slowly fizzled over time, neither of us were receptive to the other's issues, we began to butt heads over everything. She was also constantly on her phone. -She initiated the break-up in Jan of 2015. At the time, I said fine and made it official because she was a brick wall when it came to talking or working it out. -A week or two later she started calling someone. I suspected it was an older married coworker (33 she's 25) of hers. She'd be flirty and nice to me, said she wasn't seeing anyone and I was about to say let's give this a second chance when I checked her phone and saw "I love you so much baby" texts in late Feb. -I went home as my dad was battling cancer and it wasn't going well. I came back to my place with my ex and said I didn't think she loved him, that I understood what went wrong and would love to give it a second chance. She chose him over me. -Early March my dad passed away. She texted me throughout it and said she'd always love me and cried most days. I came back to our place and she said she ended things with the other guy. I asked if we could give it second chance and she freaked out and said No. -I actively worked to get her out of my apartment, lined her up with a new place and paid the full rent for our old place. She moved out in April. Before that she started talking to that guy again. -for the next few weeks she took our dog out and had keys, it drove me crazy. I went to get the keys back, told her I still cared and she broke down crying saying she did too. We were going to go out to dinner, but then I found out that guy sent her flowers nonstop, texted her bad things about me and still considered him her boyfriend. We argued and called it off. -we go NC for 11 days, she calls me, comes over, says she wished we had went to dinner and breaks up with the other guy. We hang out everyday for 3 weeks, she held my hand, talked about marriage and kids and all the reasons the other guy sucked. As soon as it got great, she'd back away. She eventually went back to the fool saying she fell out of love with me. -now we're in June, a week after she shows up at a concert I'm at, we chat and have fun. We grab drinks the next night, she tells me she broke up wth that guy for good. We go on a bike ride a few days after and hangout for hours after, it's great and we reminisce about the good times. -Then she gets flakey so I tell her I can't talk to her anymore, she said she understood, but keeps texting. Her texts are more normal/friendly than ever. Unfortunately, I'll be moving 3 blocks away from her in 2 weeks. Anytime I go downtown I'll walk right past her place, it sucks. I'm on day 2 of NC right now and I NEED to hop off the roller coaster above. It's been hard because as you read, she keeps coming back. I've made an enormous amount of changes in my life, the changes both her and I wanted, but it's "too little, too late". We've been broken up for 6 months, but the longest we've gone without talking is 11 days. She still has feelings, but they're masked by layers of confusion and are not nearly strong enough. Edited July 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added link to previous thread ~T
aloneinaz Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Sorry to hear about the loss of your parent. To deal w/that on top of a dysfunctional and probably toxic relationship had to be hard to navigate. It sounds like you're a strong person. Your post kind of reinforces why I'm such an advocate of NC as it worked for me and allowed me to move on out of a toxic relationship. I know you haven't agreed w/some of my posts in the past but all I try to do is share what works for me and the majority of others. I know it's hard to give up on relationships that you have lots of years invested in. I think once you realize they will always be toxic/dysfunctional and accept that there's simply too much non-compatibility, you can move on. I wish you luck in your journey and think you'll find that staying NC will HELP YOU move forward where's staying in LC, seeing them off/on will only drag out the inevitable outcome. At some point, you have to worry about what's best for you.... I think you've reached that point.
wizer Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Things are going well, then she "gets flakey" so you tell her you can no longer talk to her and go no contact even though you'll be living a few blocks away from her? Seems like a strong response to a little bit of flakiness, given everything you've put up with to date.
Morphine Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I am sorry to hear this. I went through the same thing with my ex and my mum dying 2 years ago, but my ex came back to me and stayed fo another 2 years. Sorry to say this, but it makes me feel good that I am not alone in this break up world...mem have feelings too! I hope it works out well for you.
DexterLS Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I hope you stay true to your words ravfour4. I broke NC yesterday by taking a look at her profile where I found out she has made the relationship public now and as such, I'm restarting NC. We can do this together! Keep us updated with your progress
Author ravfour4 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 @aloneinaz - thanks for your thoughts, I agree that it was dysfunctional in ways I chose to ignore. She had a lot of issues that I overlooked because of the intensity of the connection we had, I basically forgave any and everything chalking it up to her fragile nature and troubled past. @wizer - I agree, compared to my previous reactions this one was strong. After our bike ride and hours of hanging out she was very friendly, we talked about all the great times and what went wrong. I told her what I had realized and emphasized that "I guess it's too little too late" so she didn't think I was trying to manipulate her to get her back again. She looked doubtful when I said that and acknowledged her mistakes and it raised my hope "ok, she went back to that guy 3 times but now she finally ended it and is here with me enjoying my company, maybe this will work" I ended our time together telling her to tell me if she wanted to hang out again, she said "ok! It probably won't be until next week though! We'll be living close so yeah, why wouldn't we hang out!?" And gave me a hug good bye. We texted over the next few days and she got more and more distant. She called me a week after and when I called her back, she was short and brief, just wanted to drop off my vacuum and acted like "why are you calling me?". I asked if she wanted to go on a bike ride again, she said "perhaps" and soon after hung up. Then I asked if she wanted to go to the dog park when she dropped off my vacuum the day later and instead of saying I can't today maybe later, she gave me some huge BS excuse "I'm just going to drop off the vacuum that's in my car when you're not there, I have a karaoke machine in my apartment and need room for it". I was like wtf? Stop going out of your way to make up ridiculous lies when a week ago you were gung ho about hanging out again. I texted her saying I was sick of the up and down and her not giving a **** about my feelings and that I was blocking her. She freaked out and called me multiple times, on the phone she said she didn't want to keep hanging out because she knows I want more and she doesn't love me like that anymore. She asked what happened to make me so mad, saying she wasn't talking to the married man anymore. I told her I should have sent that text months ago when I found out she was with the other man, but I didn't want to give up on us. She understood. I told her to let me know if she ever changes her mind and that I didn't want to stop talking to her, but I need time to focus on myself after my dads passing and our messy breakup. I told her I haven't been myself this past year and a half (since my dad was diagnosed) She said she understood and that she wouldn't respond to my texts, but then she did. And then she initiated conversation after that. We kept contact light and happy since then, I'll send her a funny picture and she'll send back a response with "!" And emojis. For once I think she knew I meant business and she's being much nicer because she doesn't want me to block her out of my life. A part of me knows I overreacted to her excuse about the dog park, but it was the way I should have acted months ago. A part of me wants to hang out with her right now. Or to invite her over to my new place, but we can't be just friends and I can't see her with someone else. @morphine - it always makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one too. @Dexter - you need to stop advocating and then breaking NC man! I rarely advocate it as I try to practice what I preach. I was trying to be strong and work through this with LC, but it's just been too difficult.
Author ravfour4 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) The last contact we had: Sunday: Her: "hi there, you have any mail for me?" (I know she forwarded her mail weeks ago) Me: besides the 10,000 ads i get for you? Nope Her: sorry! Thank you Tuesday: Me: <picture of a dog that looks like ours> "our dogs brotha from another mother. How's your day going?" Her: "aw! So cute! Good - in Chicago seeing <mutual friend's> show w <other mutual friend> - yours?" Me: "fun! <inside joke about mutual friend>, brief explanation of my day" I got some bank letter for you today, lemme know if you need it I think she'll reach out to me in the next few days or once I move close to her on aug 1st Edited July 16, 2015 by ravfour4
wizer Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I was like wtf? Stop going out of your way to make up ridiculous lies when a week ago you were gung ho about hanging out again. I texted her saying I was sick of the up and down and her not giving a **** about my feelings and that I was blocking her. Ouch. I hope you realize that if you want there to be any chance of her coming back to you, then you need to stop reacting like that. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 The last contact we had: Sunday: Her: "hi there, you have any mail for me?" (I know she forwarded her mail weeks ago) Me: besides the 10,000 ads i get for you? Nope Her: sorry! Thank you Tuesday: Me: <picture of a dog that looks like ours> "our dogs brotha from another mother. How's your day going?" Her: "aw! So cute! Good - in Chicago seeing <mutual friend's> show w <other mutual friend> - yours?" Me: "fun! <inside joke about mutual friend>, brief explanation of my day" I got some bank letter for you today, lemme know if you need it I think she'll reach out to me in the next few days or once I move close to her on aug 1st If you block you won't know if she does or doesn't. If you are really going to do No Contact for real, that's the first step you should take. Otherwise you're bound to get back in the same pickle you've been in the past six months. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I have an idea...try treating contact with her like the addiction it is. Go one day at a time. Or one hour, one minute, whatever. But really do block her, with an app or however you need to do it. The initial few weeks are going to be hard as hell, but you can't keep on like this. You've said so yourself. And she's obviously not cutting ties, so if you want to get through this mess, you're going to have to do it. I know you know this, but just thought I'd throw my idea out there. I remember when my ex-husband left, I'd have to count the minutes sometimes to keep from calling him and begging for him to come back. Completely embarrassing when I look back, but doing it that way worked. You *can* do it, but I don't think you *want* to yet. Just please don't waste months or years on this, for your own sake. There will come a day when you look back and kick yourself for wasting this time. Good luck, you've got a lot of people pulling for you. And pulling our hair out and cursing at times, but always wanting the best... 1
Author ravfour4 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Haha Ziggy I appreciate it. I know that I can do it, I just haven't wanted to, you're absolutely correct. Since we're going to be living so close I'm not trying to be arch enemies. If she contacts me nicely or asked me to do something, I'd probably respond. i just can't contact her anymore. If she'd just freaking stay single for a few months and communicate in a consistent manner, things would be different, but she doesn't and probably won't.
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It's too bad there's not a betting mechanism on LS. Good luck ravfour4. 1
Author ravfour4 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Ouch. I hope you realize that if you want there to be any chance of her coming back to you, then you need to stop reacting like that. I'm well aware . However, at that point I had finally had enough and the chance of reconciliation seemed zero. Plus she had already left me twice for that fool. On the phone call she said she knew she had to stop talking to me so I could move on. Then she kept contacting me.... We're like two stupid magnets, one who loves the other one much more.
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 We're like two stupid magnets, one who loves the other one much more.that would actually make you the pincushion.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Haha Ziggy I appreciate it. I know that I can do it, I just haven't wanted to, you're absolutely correct. Since we're going to be living so close I'm not trying to be arch enemies. If she contacts me nicely or asked me to do something, I'd probably respond. i just can't contact her anymore. If she'd just freaking stay single for a few months and communicate in a consistent manner, things would be different, but she doesn't and probably won't. Dude, you're not ready to get off that rollercoaster yet. You might as well rename this thread, because that's not No Contact. I mean, if you run into her on the street, be polite and short and say hi if you want. But the fact that you refuse to block her and are going to answer her is just asinine if your goal is to go No Contact and move forward in your life. You are basically like an alcoholic who says they don't want to drink anymore, but you're more than willing to go to bars and you'll drink if someone gives you a beer. That's a half-ass solution and it's going to go the same way every one of your other half-ass solutions have gone. If you are going to go No Contact, then do it for real. If not, don't. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm well aware . However, at that point I had finally had enough and the chance of reconciliation seemed zero. Plus she had already left me twice for that fool. On the phone call she said she knew she had to stop talking to me so I could move on. Then she kept contacting me.... We're like two stupid magnets, one who loves the other one much more. No, you aren't magnets. You are two individuals with two different agendas. Stop blaming her for your own weaknesses. Your weaknesses and your inability to detach is completely on you, not on her. 2
Author ravfour4 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) If she didn't give a **** about me, she would have cut off contact long ago. If she sincerely cared about my needs and was 100% sure she had moved on, she would have stopped talking to me when I told her that's what I needed. She doesn't want to give up communication for whatever selfish reason (and yes, it's definitely a different reason), she hasn't "cut" the cord either. My healing and my life is solely in my hands, that's completely true, but it's not like I'm texting her multiple times getting no response or she's saying stop talking to me like 90% of other break-ups on here, she refuses to let go (albeit in a totally different way) as well. She's either not 100% sure she wants to say good bye or she's incredibly selfish and is solely doing this for emotional support knowing that it's hurting me terribly. Either way I'm on day 3 NC and felt fine today. I just miss her because she's cute and fun and I don't have anyone else cute and fun to hangout with. It's not the same emotional rage I felt towards her before, it's calmer. Another way I can think about it is that I'm addicted to her and she's the enabler. Just like being addicted to anything, it's up to the addict to quit, regardless of any enablers Edited July 17, 2015 by ravfour4
Simon Phoenix Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) If she didn't give a **** about me, she would have cut off contact long ago. If she sincerely cared about my needs and was 100% sure she had moved on, she would have stopped talking to me when I told her that's what I needed. She doesn't want to give up communication for whatever selfish reason (and yes, it's definitely a different reason), she hasn't "cut" the cord either. My healing and my life is solely in my hands, that's completely true, but it's not like I'm texting her multiple times getting no response or she's saying stop talking to me like 90% of other break-ups on here, she refuses to let go (albeit in a totally different way) as well. She's either not 100% sure she wants to say good bye or she's incredibly selfish and is solely doing this for emotional support knowing that it's hurting me terribly. Either way I'm on day 3 NC and felt fine today. I just miss her because she's cute and fun and I don't have anyone else cute and fun to hangout with. It's not the same emotional rage I felt towards her before, it's calmer. Another way I can think about it is that I'm addicted to her and she's the enabler. Just like being addicted to anything, it's up to the addict to quit, regardless of any enablers All that is nice, but it's all stuff you've been saying from the jump and doesn't matter. What matters is that she doesn't like you romantically but you are still drawn to her in that matter. And if you are going to go No Contact, then do it the right away with blocking her number and all avenues of contact. Stop chomping on the breadcrumbs that she'll send, and she'll send more, because she is fine with being your buddy and she knows that you don't have the self-control to stay away. The point is, if you are going to No Contact, then No Contact. Stop cutting corners -- it hasn't been successful for you yet and it won't be now. If you want to keep being her safety blanket and buddy, then do it, but that's going to really prevent you from progressing anywhere in your recovery. If I were you, I'd stop repeating history, but I'm obviously not you. It's up to you to quit, so stop f--king around and actually do it. Stop half-assing everything and making excuses. Or don't quit and keep chasing your tail. Edited July 17, 2015 by Simon Phoenix 1
Author ravfour4 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 You're right. The only thing keeping me from blocking her is that I don't want her to text me something nice, ignore it (because she's blocked) and then have it be awkward as hell when I inevitably see her in person at some point (as I'll walk my dog around the area and I go out to the bars most weekends and she could be at any 1 of 20 of those any given weekend night for her job). I guess I shouldn't care if it's awkward when I see her and she could always email me or call me at work if she really wanted to get a hold of me.... I guess it's just stupid hope, hope that we'll see each other and hang out and have fun...because every time we've hung out lately that is what happened. I think she's finally stopped contacting me because she FINALLY hung out with some mutual friends (friends of hers that I became close with) who may have talked some sense into her "stop talking to him, he obviously still loves you" OR she's already hopped to another dude. I guess I just feel like a ****ty person cutting her out, even though she treated me terribly for so long.... Too nice? Just a fool? Probably a mix of both.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 You're right. The only thing keeping me from blocking her is that I don't want her to text me something nice, ignore it (because she's blocked) and then have it be awkward as hell when I inevitably see her in person at some point (as I'll walk my dog around the area and I go out to the bars most weekends and she could be at any 1 of 20 of those any given weekend night for her job). I guess I shouldn't care if it's awkward when I see her and she could always email me or call me at work if she really wanted to get a hold of me.... I guess it's just stupid hope, hope that we'll see each other and hang out and have fun...because every time we've hung out lately that is what happened. I think she's finally stopped contacting me because she FINALLY hung out with some mutual friends (friends of hers that I became close with) who may have talked some sense into her "stop talking to him, he obviously still loves you" OR she's already hopped to another dude. I guess I just feel like a ****ty person cutting her out, even though she treated me terribly for so long.... Too nice? Just a fool? Probably a mix of both. Definitely being a fool. If you see her around, then be polite if you want to -- short but polite. But all you are doing with this mindset is what you have been stupidly doing from the jump -- trying to put up a false front for her and putting her interests above yours. This girl dumped you, jumped to another guy, and has been wishy-washy toward you for months yet there you are, putting her interests above yours. That's not being nice -- that's being a weakling and a fool. You aren't blocking her to punish her. You're blocking her to finally get yourself settled and moving in the right direction. If she doesn't understand that, then f--k her. But yeah, you need to stop being a spineless fool. What you've tried to paint as being "strong" has been extremely weak. Ultimately, it's up to you whether you want to keep acting in this manner. But if you are going to go No Contact, then you have to actually do it the correct way. If you don't want to do it, then you don't have to, but be prepared for a lot more overanalyzation, frustration, and drama. You need to look out for you. You've done an absolutely awful job of that so far, but you don't have to keep making the same damn mistakes. Block her and be done with it. If you see her around, then say a quick hi if you want, but I can tell you are mindf--king yourself again to prevent yourself from doing what you need to do. I've read this story before, I know how it's going to end if you don't, for once, show some damn sense. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Definitely being a fool. If you see her around, then be polite if you want to -- short but polite. But all you are doing with this mindset is what you have been stupidly doing from the jump -- trying to put up a false front for her and putting her interests above yours. This girl dumped you, jumped to another guy, and has been wishy-washy toward you for months yet there you are, putting her interests above yours. That's not being nice -- that's being a weakling and a fool. You aren't blocking her to punish her. You're blocking her to finally get yourself settled and moving in the right direction. If she doesn't understand that, then f--k her. But yeah, you need to stop being a spineless fool. What you've tried to paint as being "strong" has been extremely weak. Ultimately, it's up to you whether you want to keep acting in this manner. But if you are going to go No Contact, then you have to actually do it the correct way. If you don't want to do it, then you don't have to, but be prepared for a lot more overanalyzation, frustration, and drama. You need to look out for you. You've done an absolutely awful job of that so far, but you don't have to keep making the same damn mistakes. Block her and be done with it. If you see her around, then say a quick hi if you want, but I can tell you are mindf--king yourself again to prevent yourself from doing what you need to do. I've read this story before, I know how it's going to end if you don't, for once, show some damn sense. This ^^^ I'll add that I'm not sure what you really have to cling to here? She dumped you and told you she doesn't like you romantically anymore. She's dating and screwing other guys. She likes knowing your pining for her and she's only selfishly engaging for her ego to be stroked. At some point, you have to say ENOUGH. You owe her nothing. She doesn't want to be romantically involved w/you. You can't go from lover to a "buddy". It doesn't work. You're not being rude if you block her. Who cares if you miss a bread crumb? She KNOWS she's screwing w/your head by doing what she's done the last few months. You'd be so far down the road of healing and moving on if you'd only went NC when she dumped you. You'd probably be dating some hot, new gal who WANTS you and enjoys you vs. spinning your wheel w/someone who doesn't. You need to find your pride and self respect my man and STOP communicating w/her. 1
darkbloom Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Commit to not getting on the roller coaster anymore. It stops when you say it stops. Every time you contact her it's like picking the scab over your heart. Once you commit to feeling better no contact just becomes a hurdle you jump over. Over time, the hurdle gets smaller and smaller. You can do it.
Author ravfour4 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Today is actually day 3, I feel fine, I'm not anxious at all like I was last time, I just sincerely miss her. It stems from a deep understanding of where I went wrong, I have trouble fixating on what she did wrong in the relationship - only after, I keep seeing her in the relationship with rose colored glasses for some reason. I was so stressed and I didn't even realize it with my dad being sick that I just kind of shut down, all I did was work like crazy and smoke weed. I feel like seeing her and saying...so how dumb is it that we share almost all common interests, have the same sense of humor, always have fun together, don't have many other friends in town, but aren't hanging out? I won't reach out though. I'm hoping she's missing me or thinking about me, but she very well may not be. She is probably thinking "well, it didn't work, I wanted it to, but I gave it a second chance and that didn't work either so it never will. Also miss that dog a bit..." I saw on her Instagram that she's hanging out with her old friends and acting much more like herself, I'm happy for her.
drade Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Unfollow her on Instagram. Your still defying your urge to go no contact. No contact means block everything. Ok so your happy she's being there regular old self. But why aren't YOU happy with yourself? Oh wait because your so far up this irrelevant persons Colon that you don't know your left from right. It's over, it's been over, and it will always be over. The amount of drama, heartache, guilt, frustration, doubting, weakness... The list goes on has literally stripped you of dignity, respect, and most importantly loving yourself. Unfollow her, block her out. If she really wanted to be with you she would find a way to contact you and make that clear. But she doesn't and this breakup past relationship is sooo un salvageable at this point. Move on dude. A lot of the members are being direct for a reason. Your loosing grip on reality. 1
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 She is probably thinking "well, it didn't work, I wanted it to, but I gave it a second chance and that didn't work either so it never will. Also miss that dog a bit..." Aw, Ravi, that's not what she's thinking.. she's thinking Man this guy is big compared to Raaahahahahah! or more delicately put, she's got bigger and better things to think about these days than you. You're the one putting in all the worry time, and she's the one having all the fun with you.... except, maybe you enjoy the pain of it somehow.
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