In a relationship and have feelings for someone else

[a.j]

Sorry that this is going to be long... and before someone asks - C and I are both female.

 

I had always had curious thoughts about f to m transgenders and secretly kept it inside until I was 16. I had 2 boyfriends (1 more serious than the other) but it wasn't until I met C that I realized I wanted to see what this was about - to explore this side of me that I never could. I met C online and became fast friends. This connection we had was/is inexpressible. She made me laugh, feel beautiful, and just let me be me while loving me more than anyone ever has. I had a really hard time coming out to my parents and it ended up being extremely ugly. She still stuck around and was always there for me. At 18, I did a very considerably brave thing and took the leap to meet her for the first time. It was so hard to believe that this was real and happening. At first, it was awkward because I had never been around a girl of any kind in this manner. I had always looked at boys mostly and normally like male characters on books or fandoms. But this was my best friend that I had talked to for a couple years - someone I could share my whole soul and being to. She was my first sexual encounter and although it was awkward for me, I still kept true because I loved her with my whole heart.

 

I moved in with her a couple months later and have lived here since 2011. We've been in this relationship for 6 years now. During this time, our relationship has been almost perfect. We are best friends and do everything together. We have everything in common, we love to laugh and joke in the same manner, we are HUGE animal lovers and have created a little animal zoo together. It's like a little family. The only issues we've had have been either intimate, or personally, I've felt a little held back. Things that I'd like to do with my life has seemed to dwindle because I am in a settled down relationship.

 

To be honest though, sex has been a struggle for me. Since she is my only sexual partner in my life, I've looked to her for exploration. Occasionally, I would think about what it would be like to be with a man. Would it be different? Would I have more passion for them? What would it be like?

 

About a year ago, C's anxiety and PTSD from her childhood caught up with her and she had a horrible mental breakdown. I supported her in the best way that I could, helped her remember to take her medicine, reminded her that she was a good person, and that I would always be here. I even went to the therapy sessions with her.

 

Her anti-depressants though slowed her sex drive. Now, sex of course is not the most important part in a relationship, however it's difficult to be a healthy human who has needs when someone else doesn't feel them as well. It was hard for me to come to terms that it had nothing to do with me physically, and more to do with the fact that she just had no sex drive at all.

 

I overcame that and we were just fine. I could go 2 months or so without sex and deal with myself in other ways in order to be happy.

 

However, about a couple months ago - I bought lingerie for myself to surprise her. I wanted to make our sex life interesting again. But she wasn't feeling it. She appreciated it but I knew that she was only doing this to satisfy me. In the long run, it was hard for me to come back from that. I tried not to let it show, that she had just had sex with me because I had wanted it. So we didn't have sex since then.

 

She asked me to marry her. I said yes... but.... then things got tricky.

 

It's been about 3 months now since we had sex and I think our relationship became comfortable, routine like, and to the point where I was getting annoyed with her when she'd asked me to do things. I began to notice one of my friends/coworkers. And he is male. N, as I will call him, on the outside and what I know of him, is everything that I had wanted in a partner. Asian, musically inclined, ambitious, sees the world as I do, makes me laugh, and makes me so sexually aware that I don't know what to do with myself. I go home every night and tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way because I love C. So so much. I'd be fine and settle back into my relationship, until I'd see N again. N would make me feel happy and I felt so much heat and sparks from him. We'd have intellectual conversations about books, movies, music - all things that we have in common. I began to notice that he'd touch me on my arm a little more, or rub my back, or hold my eye contact longer than necessary. It made my heart flutter and my body warm.

 

This made me so confused about what I wanted, what was the right thing to do, and if I should even stop being with C in the first place.

 

I think I had a handle on it until my birthday which was this month. To put it bluntly, I don't drink. Like at all. I might have been close to being wasted, but it was nothing to be concerned about. On my birthday, I decided to give into my friends/coworkers pleas and go out to drink with them. I didn't invite C. I didn't think she'd enjoy herself and plus she was getting over step throat. So, being the young sheltered woman that I am, I decided to be reckless that night. I wanted to feel free and happy and with no cares.

 

And I did. However, it just so ended up that N and I got very close. It could have very well ended up with my cheating on C if it wasn't for my friend that stopped us. Thankfully, we didn't even kiss. I don't even remember though what we said to each other, all I know is that I remember how N talked to me. It was so husky and amazing that I just wanted to let him have his way with me right then and there. But I have morals and that wasn't all right. I went home feeling so guilty and ashamed and humiliated that as I was throwing up and C was taking care of me, I told her about N. She let it go until the next day when I was sober, but it just ended up being the week from hell.

 

I didn't know what I wanted. I can see myself with Nate. Being free, being able to pursue music with him, being with a man for the first time, having children in the conventional sense, and having passionate sex that I don't think I've ever truly had with C.

 

But, I love C. This is what I have been wanting with C for 6 years now. I wanted to get married to her, continue our little family, and be happy with her and comfortable. But to be honest, I am not sure if I true heartedly want it anymore. I'm scared I'm going to lose C forever. She's already so vulnerable to begin with and she loves me so much. She wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She wants to grow old with me. She is so perfect in all the aspects of the right person should be....

 

I don't know what the right decision is. I've talked to N and told him what's going on, he told me he truly liked me a lot. He was just as confused too, not knowing what to do because I am in this relationship that I've always been so honest about. And I've talked to C, telling her that I love her and I do want to be with her and that I want to work things out. But I'm worrying that I am lying to myself and to her.

 

I'm worried that I am going to be stuck in a relationship that isn't right for me down the road... that I fell in love with love at 16 and thought that C was it, but in reality was just a true best friend that I had feelings for. That maybe N and I could work out, or maybe not. And I make the biggest mistake of my life - whether breaking up with C or not giving N a chance. I'm so confused and I just don't know what to do. Everywhere keeps telling me to do what my gut is telling me, or follow my heart, but my heart and gut is telling me two different things!

 

I'm afraid I am falling out of love with her... and it's eating me alive. I can only think about what it would be like to be with N and I'm not sure if I am just in like with the idea of being with him because he is a male, or if it's him in general. Because I am very attracted to him, not just physically. But the issue is, that I am no longer sexually attracted to C. It feels like I am lying to her now and it's freaking me out. N is all I think about... Someone said that I should stick it out with C, but what if these feelings don't return? I don't want to hurt C. I do love her still and care about her very deeply. But I don't feel like it's right that I am having these conflicted feelings - I feel like I'm stringing her along with false hope. She is realizing that I'm being distant now... And when she asks me if I love her, I say of course - but I don't feel like it's the same as what she is truly asking.

 

What should I do?

[smackie9]

You have no obligation to C to marry her, you can say no. People do change their mind and move on. This is what dating is all about...you try out the relationship to see if they are suitable to be a life partner...C hasn't fulfilled that. I say let her go. You are not ready for marriage, you need more experience to know what you want and what you need in life. Plus you are way too young to throw yourself into such a situation.....you should go out and explore more relationships, grow, mature, enjoy your freedom....pretty simple.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You should be honest with C. If she can't change things, you should break up with her.

 

 

If you're lesbian, why are you attracted to a guy both emotionally & sexually? Wouldn't that make you bi. Maybe you should talk to Jen on here.

[LivingDeadGrl]

Wow, I can't imagine how hard this must be!

 

I think you have given C a lot of your time already. Things are not getting better for you two and you don't want to spend your life always wondering about what certain experiences would be like and you are too young for marriage.

I think you should leave C. It is going to hurt no matter what you choose. Maybe don't go with N right away, just take it really slow. You have a lot to figure out for yourself and it's hard to do that when you're being weighed down by relationships.

[DKT3]

Listen, when you started your relationship with C it was what you wanted. Over the course of six years you've changed (totally normal) and no one is at fault here. It isn't a mistake that your attracted to men, judging from the fact that you've never had a comfortable sex life (doesn't mean you didn't enjoy it, the closeness and bonding) says to me that this isn't who you are.

 

Now the mistake would be allowing this relationship with C to continue. It won't get better because you don't fear losing her as a lover but you do fear losing her as a friend. Understand, a friendship with C may not be possible for a while. Yet allowing this to continue would be totally unfair to the both of you.

 

This isn't about Nate vs C, its about what you want from life vs doing things to make others happy or not to hurt them. There is a limit to how long you can suppress your true sexual impulse whether its homosexual to hetersexual or vice versa.