He said he went on a "Bender"....is it the truth or is he playing me for a fool???

[Sweets1919]

I was with my boyfriend for 8 months. He works away on the oil rigs two weeks at a time. Last week we had plans for him to come to my city and then we were going to drive to BC to our hometown to see friends and family. He gets one week off usually.

 

He called lots the first week and then only sporadically (which i am used to, they work long hours, get tired and there is poor cell reception).

 

Well I thought he was coming to see me late last tuesday or Wednesday. He didn't call till Wed. and told me he was working till Friday. I found out (not from him) that he had left work on Wed. and had travelled to the city I live in (7 hr drive) and and then gone to a small town an hour and a half from here. When I talked to him, he lied and said he was at work and was working till Sunday. When I confronted him he continued to lie about actually coming to my city and where he was going to spend the weekend (said he was going to help friends move).

 

He also said he was unsure about our relationship and needed time to think.

 

When I found out on Saturday that he had lied about being my my city on Wed. night and going to help the friends move (I found out he was still in my city, not three hours away)...I snapped. I freaked out, felt totally betrayed, manipulated and gullable. What was he trying to hide from me?????

 

So I posted here lots and shared the whole story with friends and family....bla bla he is inconsiderate of my time and feelings and doesn't care a sh** about me. People here said "he's not that into you". I packed his stuff and put it on the front porch.

 

Yesterday he came to talk and these are his explanations, though he says he knows lying was wrong:

 

-firstly, he was working with a new crew and they drank a lot and he was basically drunk for two weeks and he went on a "bender".....that seemed like fun and a good "escape" from thinking about his birthday (which was yesterday)...he turned 26. He has debt and no assets and said that he feels trapped in his job and is afraid of getting older. He said it was a pre "midlife crisis" and that he often feels lonely up at work, so when the guys were like "lets go drinking, he was all over it"

 

-He said that if he had called on Wed. to say he was not coming to see me for 4 days and that he was going to party and drink with the guys he just met then I would have freaked out and he did not want me upset and break up with him for having his friends be the priority last week.

 

-He said that his feelings did not change, he just drank lots and hung out, rode atvs, burned stuff etc...and then when I told him I knew he was lying about being at work, he continued to lie instead of tell all b/c he wanted to "save his ass"...though I ended up finding it out in the end.

 

My family is convinced he was cheating on me and so were lots of my friends. None of them said "maybe there is an explanation and he is just inconsiderate this week for whatever reason"...actually none of them said "well what is good about your relatinship"....usually he was quite considerate....but all that was in the back of my mind when this came up.

 

He had cheated on me in November when he said he wasn't sure of our relationship....we had decided to rebuild on a basis of friendship and I thought that's what we had, so when i found out the lies, it was like betrayal again.

 

Guys/men out there....do guys really need to just go escape like this sometime???? Is hanging out, getting drunk and just escaping a normal thing for them? He said he hadn't gone on a "bender" for five years since college. I myself have never been on a "bender" so I could in no way relate. He also said that on Friday when I was talking I told him "If you want to break up that is fine with me"...and he said that was a mean statement and it felt like I was saying I don't care about him/us.

 

Is he playing me for fool???

[LucreziaBorgia]

No matter what he says, or does - keep this in mind:

 

He had cheated on me in November when he said he wasn't sure of our relationship....

and this time he...

also said he was unsure about our relationship...

 

It is exactly how it seems.

 

He may well have been on a bender, but the fact remains - even if he didn't cheat, he is still "unsure" and as long as he is "unsure" you have no real chance at having the type of relationship you want with him.

[Sweets1919]

He said he still loves me, still wants to come see me and still wants to hang out and do fun things (ie. play tennis, go to the country festival this summer). He said that if he knew that I wouldn't have freaked out (and put the relationship on the line), then he would have told me the truth about what he was doing (I have told him I need to work on an agreement to try to be understanding to ensure that I won't "freak" even if I'm upset).

 

He even said he needs to "grow up" (I am 31),..and that makes him feel a bit pressured that I will want marriage and family in a few years....he is afraid of getting old, esp. when he has not achieved the work goals or personal security he wants.

[Craig]

I agree with what LB said and add that any guy that goes on "benders" has a serious drinking problem that can only get worse.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree with LB and Craig.

 

Also, it's not an excuse not to call or communicate just because the person know the other person is not going to be happy about what they were doing- ie, they didn't want to hear it.

 

Sweets, think about this. He did all of this- and he had to have known you'd find out. He thinks so little of you that when you did bust him, he's not really worried because he's confident that you will take him back. There is a old saying-

 

"It's easier to get forgiveness than permission"

 

It's up to you if you want to take him back, but even if you do, I would say be dating other people and not exclusive with him. That way, you're still having fun with him but you're also meeting new people and not "waiting on him to be ready for marriage and a family".

[BrotherAaron]

You're giving this guy way too many chances. Have some respect for yourself, and decide your sick of his s*** already.

 

Or, keep giving him second chances and then wondering later why he still treats you like crap

 

It's your call

[ltomlinson81]

This guy is a jerk and you are letting him walk all over you. He has already cheated and lied. What else do you need to convince you that he is wrong for you? He does not care for you. Why are you wasting your time? This behavior will continue forever until you put an end to it.

[tanbark813]

Wow.. I mean, I like to drink, but how the hell do you stay drunk for two weeks straight??

[Sweets1919]

I know, it's crazy. I feel sick after a big night of drinking...let along two weeks straight! Aside from all the BS treatment and excuses....he really needs to get his life on track. I know in my head that I want a boyfriend...not a project.

 

He needs to pay off his debts, go get some training so he doesn't have to work in a job he feels trapped at, buy a house of his own (not just rent w/ his cousin)....I have a feeling he could be in the same position in 3 years and be even more depressed and feeling "trapped" then when he's almost 30 and seeing his life passing him by.

 

But i have worked on myself to make myself happy...I don't need to work at making his life happy...those are his choices.

 

I would be so miserable to stick with him as a boyfriend who I still doubt trustwise, and who is unable to create change in his life and create the life he wants for himself. How could he even have a SO that he wants to share a life with (ie. a home) if it will take him years and years to establish even enough money for a downpayment let alone be earning enough to support a family.

 

All I can do is be thankful that this experience has made me see what I need to do to change MY life (i realized I have no good friends here and want to move home) and welcome happiness back into my heart....instead of sitting at home lonely and waiting and waiting for his phone calls and for him to come see me. It really is a blessing the way this worked out to a point.

 

If he had come last week as planned, I would still be feeling lonely and actually miserable b/c i have no one to share my days with. I hope for his sake that he can take this opportunity for "personal growth" instead of just turning to the booze and escaping his problems. It will be interesting (as a friend) to see what he really does with his life. (and then i'll either see a positive change, or him going down a road that I'm glad I'm not on!!)

[BrotherAaron]

Excellent! But don't try to be his friend, either. I hate it women do that