mcbg13 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) Warning: this is a very long and complicated story. I've been in a relationship with somebody for 7 months and he moved in with me 3 months ago. I gave my all into this relationship and overall things were going great until the past few weeks when I noticed he seemed to be pulling away and my gut feeling was telling me something was wrong. Here's our problem: A month into the relationship, I found out he was a pretty big pot smoker, which I am personally against. I shared my feelings with him prepared to end the relationship right then and he said he had no problem stopping for me. I was satisfied with that. However, throughout our relationship, I found out how serious his past use of pot was and how much he was surrounded by it (all his friends and his family). It made me feel very insecure and we had many fights about it. He would always assure me he didn't smoke anymore. He told me I made him want to become a better person, etc. Fast forward to two weeks ago when one night he went to bed and left his phone on the kitchen table. Something in my head told me to go look through it, which I know is wrong, and I found out he had started smoking again for the past few months. I also found out that the new friends he supposedly hung out with because they didn't smoke and were a good influence for him were actually smoking. The week before, I flat out asked him in his face whether he had started smoking again and he said no while looking me in the eyes. He was also texting some guy saying he was single and bitching about me to his friends. I obviously was very upset to find this out so I confronted him. He didn't say anything which made me even more angry and I ended up kicking him out in the middle of the night and asking him to move out the next day. I later thought that while I was allowed to be upset by these facts, I might have acted in an immature way and I regret kicking him out so quickly. I also threw quite a few nasty insults. Probably to try to make him feel as hurt as I was feeling. Following this fight, I was the one who kept running after him, crying, saying I wanted to work things out. One day, he came over to talk and we cuddled for a few hours and he left. He said he needed a few days to think about things and I said I would give him some space, but the next day I started going crazy wanting to talk to him again and I showed up unannounced to his dad's place where he is now living. He was high as a kite and this was my first time seeing him this way. We talked for a bit but he pretty much told me to leave and that he wanted to hang out with his friends. Later that night, he texted me apologizing for the way he treated me that day, saying it was very hard for him not to be with me and that he was confused about his feelings and lashing out. He apologized for our fight and said he knew it was his fault all this happened. He said he hates to see me sad and hurt. We had lunch two days after, and I cried pretty much the entire time. It was embarrassing. I just keep thinking of us being together before and I want that back. He kept telling me it was over but he wanted to see me as a friend and that if things became serious again, who knows. I didn't like his ambivalent feelings and we ended up having a fight over the phone and he told me he never wanted to see me or talk to me again. The very next day, he left for a trip to his cottage but he texted me as if nothing happened, wishing me a good week, saying he hoped I would feel better when he came back and that he might have Wifi access during his trip. He's now been gone to the cottage for over a week and we haven't talked during that time so I'm nervous about him coming back and what will happen after. I've loved this guy from the bottom of my heart for all 7 months we've been together and I want us to find a way to make it work but after all this, he's the one saying he can't trust me because of my behaviour when I found out he had been lying to me. What should I do? Are we a lost cause? I've apologized to him for my reaction but I feel like he's the one who should be apologizing and begging me to give him another chance. Even if he did, I don't know how we could go forward with our relationship. I wouldn't be able to trust him and I know he will never stop smoking completely because he's using it to cope with his feelings and there's no way he's gonna stop hanging out with his friends and family who are going to influence him. I've just been miserable the past few weeks without sleeping or eating. We used to be together everyday, talk all the time and now he's just gone and I don't know how to deal with this. I'm also having trouble staying at my apartment because all I see is where his stuff used to be and I think of stuff we used to do together here. I don't understand how he could have lied to me for so long and how he could move on so quickly when just 2 weeks before our fight, he made me a nice card saying he loved me so much, he couldn't imagine going back to his life before me, couldn't ask for more from me, etc... It's driving me insane. Please help! Edited July 16, 2015 by mcbg13
Tayla Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 two separate issues- One, he could very well love you. Two- He can very well choose the love of his pot more then you. Choose wisely how to move forward knowing you will have a back seat to his choice of substance. I personally would walk away when its a deal breaker, and this one falls under that based on your commentary.
Author mcbg13 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 two separate issues- One, he could very well love you. Two- He can very well choose the love of his pot more then you. Choose wisely how to move forward knowing you will have a back seat to his choice of substance. I personally would walk away when its a deal breaker, and this one falls under that based on your commentary. That's something I'm struggling with. It seems I'm more upset by the lying then the smoking. I realize he probably didn't feel comfortable talking to me about the subject and and it was the lack of trust and communication that hurt us more than the pot. I don't like it and wouldn't want it in my house but if he smoked occasionally and I felt like it didn't impact our relationship or his own life, then it wouldn't be a big deal for me anymore. I miss him too much. I guess it's too late to fix this though after everything that happened... it hurts me that he chose pot over me. Makes me feel worthless.
elaine567 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 The week before, I flat out asked him in his face whether he had started smoking again and he said no while looking me in the eyes. He was also texting some guy saying he was single and bitching about me to his friends. Following this fight, I was the one who kept running after him, crying, saying I wanted to work things out. He said he hates to see me sad and hurt. He kept telling me it was over but he wanted to see me as a friend he told me he never wanted to see me or talk to me again. I've apologized to him for my reaction but I feel like he's the one who should be apologizing and begging me to give him another chance. He lied about the smoking. He said he was single and bitched about you to his friends. He kept telling you it was over and only saw you as a friend and now He doesn't want to see you again. Listen to what he is telling you here, and forget about how much YOU love him, as that is immaterial. The guy doesn't want you, he felt sorry for you when you were crying but that is the sum of his attachment to you. I would feel sorry for you if I saw you sad and hurt, I would hate to see you like that, but I do not love you and neither does he. With friends like this who needs enemies. 1
Author mcbg13 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 He lied about the smoking. He said he was single and bitched about you to his friends. He kept telling you it was over and only saw you as a friend and now He doesn't want to see you again. Listen to what he is telling you here, and forget about how much YOU love him, as that is immaterial. The guy doesn't want you, he felt sorry for you when you were crying but that is the sum of his attachment to you. I would feel sorry for you if I saw you sad and hurt, I would hate to see you like that, but I do not love you and neither does he. With friends like this who needs enemies. I don't understand though why he would do this. The weekend before we broke up he finally unpacked the last of his stuff. He bought a bike he couldn't afford to go to work and now he can't even use it since his dad lives so far away. Why make these commitments if he didn't love me? I did anything and everything I could to make him happy. He cried of happiness a few weeks ago when I got him a present from my trip to Indonesia. My brain can't comprehend all this. I'm always sad and miserable. I can't function at work. Missed the last two days...
aloneinaz Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 You need to breathe and relax a bit here. I know you're hurting over this but if you rationally re-read your initial post, you'd have to come to the conclusion that he's NOT a good fit for you. I think you'd have to take anything he's told you since you've met with skepticism. Not be to harsh, but, he's a drug addict. People that are hooked on drugs would be the last people I'd believe 100% of what they are saying. You need to get control of your emotions and when you have some clarity, ask yourself if this guy really has what you want in a partner. He's a liar, drug addict, runs with other drug addicts and doesn't appear to have much in his life if he doesn't own a car. You guys sound young, so that may be some of it. The other observation is why you're so devastated over this? You saw the red flags from early on yet still moved him in. It's one thing to be bummed out about a 6 month relationship not working out but another to be what you're describing your condition as. Is there some underlying issues you have w/yourself that is causing such strong emotions?
wizer Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 My brain can't comprehend all this. I'm always sad and miserable. I can't function at work. Missed the last two days... This is an extreme reaction to a short term relationship that ended for good reason.
daisy_098 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 firstly, i believe you shouldn't be apologizing for anything.. HE lied to you, you lost his trust because HE lied to you HE disrespected you. Why do you want to continue to be with someone that can't be honest with you. Honesty is huge in a relationship and he's showing no form of caring to keep this relationship going. secondly, its unfair that now he chooses to put the blame on you claiming you to be "immature" for throwing him out the house. Any strong, confident, mature, stable and intelligent woman would do that if they found out their partner had lied and also talked crap about them. thirdly, you deserve someone so much better! it seems like the more you "worry" and "care" about him the more confident he is that you will never leave him. So basically in his mind you're okay with him smoking and disrespecting you. DON'T let him think that. No man should ever disrespect you and if this has only been 7 months.. walk away NOW because his habits will get worse and absolutely no future with someone who is a addict. Now, I'm not saying he is a addict but if he's seeing you suffer right now and hurt and doesn't do anything to make YOU feel better, then obviously the pot is above the relationship and throughout time he'll realize what he's lost which, trust me, you'll find that GENTLEMAN you're looking for. Be strong and just think if you can really handle someone that will not give up smoking? (even though you've always told yourself you would not be with someone who smokes- KEEP THAT PROMISE) I'm certainly not saying all people that smoke are bad either, but in this case this relationship isn't a healthy one. This will take time to heal but trust me in 5 years from now you'll be happy you ended this.
anika99 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I think your ex has realized that he is not the man for you and he isn't interested in changing who he is to make you happy. It was shortsighted of him to make promises he couldn't keep and shortsighted of you to think a man could just change into the man you want. Let him go so you can both find people you are more compatible with.
Latino4Lyfe Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Speaking from experience of having an ex that would not stop smoking pot and also had a negative alcohol addiction and ignored trying to do better in life, you are going to be in for one hell of a ride if you keep going after him. To save time and sanity for yourself, as hard as it would be it would be better to cut your losses. Only he has the power to change himself. If he does and down the line comes back and proves himself, great! If not, then it's all good and something better will come for you. No worries.
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