Insecurities in a new relationship?

[Jamie1989]

I'm in a pretty new relationship, been seeing the guy for 5 months only been dating/physical for the last 1 month.

 

He's just gone on holiday and I'm freaking out!

Is this normal? Or should I quit while I'm ahead?

 

Prior to this new relationship, my last was quite horrible, which I assume my insecurities stem from; 7 years, kids and being constantly cheated on.

 

Since that relationship ended I was on my own for almost 3 years, in which time I gained back all my self confidence and worth.

 

But now all of a sudden I feel like I'm losing it again!

The guy I'm seeing now is so so nice! And I don't want to ruin what we have but I feel like I am and I can't stop myself!

 

It hasn't always been this way, just in the last week since he left for holiday. He's in another country with beautiful exotic women, is he really going to not wonder?

I don't want to believe he would, but from what I've had happen to me in the past you really can never actually know someone and what they are capable of.

 

I probably sound crazy! But is the insecurities and fear I'm feeling semi normal? Or is this a red flag?? I feel like I would be this way with anyone I was seeing now though :<

[cerridwen]

I probably sound crazy!

 

Yes, you do!

 

But is the insecurities and fear I'm feeling semi normal? Or is this a red flag??

 

Is what a red flag?

That your very nice new boyfriend went on vacation and you're flipping out imagining him banging the island of Tahiti?

Yes, I would say that's a red flag for HIM.

 

I feel like I would be this way with anyone I was seeing now though :<

 

I think you would too.

But that's okay because you CAN get yourself under control,

do the work to get your fears and insecurities managed,

and have a healthy relationship.

But you have to put in WORK, not just let time go by as you did with the 3 years between relationships.

It requires conscious, deliberate, goal-focused WORK.

I don't believe you gained back all your self-confidence and worth, or you wouldn't be having such a severe reaction.

 

First, stop telling yourself stories.

Your boyfriend went on vacation.

In reality, he might be walking through a marketplace, lost in the smells and colors of the place, looking for a small souvenier to bring you back.

But in YOUR mind, he's dripping sweat, engaged in a cocaine-fueled orgy of seven local women and three small sheep.

You're story telling.

To yourself.

And they are horrible stories!!

Stop it!

Catch yourself and stop. Just stop.

 

Second, start doing work on accepting you can only have control over yourself.

This is hard to do and it takes time.

Therapy would be excellent.

Meditation to calm your mind would also be ideal.

You are awash in fear and worry over the uncontrollable, and that makes you just want to run, and panic, and possibly panic while running.

If you don't reign yourself in, these fears can tank every relationship you find yourself in.

I'm glad you suspect that already.

 

You have to learn to let go of wanting assurance that everything will be okay.

What's more powerful is if you learn that everything will be okay WITH YOU, regardless of other people's actions.

You don't put power and control in other peoples' hands--you develop and retain it in YOURSELF.

Coming to that realization that you will be okay will calm you, and help you trust.

 

How do you do this last thing?

Therapy can help.

More self-discovery.

Cultivating self-reliance and self-confidence.

Spirituality.

Creating a full solid life for yourself, completely independent of the presence or absence of a RL.

 

You know, stuff like that.

Edited July 16, 2015 by cerridwen

[preraph]

Has he asked for commitment or are you two still technically single and don't have an agreement? Being 5 months, it could certainly go either way.

 

If he has not asked for any exclusivity or commitment, then he is undoubtedly still interested in meeting other women. If he has, then unless he has shown some red flags right there in town with you that he is looking and cheating and contacting women on the internet, I say don't worry about it. If a man does have vacation sex, as many of them do (and women too), at least it's the least invasive type thing.

 

It's important to remember that no matter how much you monitor someone, whether it's a man or a teenager, if they want to have sex, they can be on Craig's List and be getting a bj 20 minutes later at the closest motel, or they can be doing it on their lunch break with their assistant, or on their way home from the grocery store at a mistress's apartment. You can't stop someone from doing it. All you can do is gauge how well they treat and protect you and how open they are about letting you know who they're with and what they're doing -- or whether they're always vague and secretive and acting like it's none of your business (big red flag).

 

If all is well in that area, you have to let it go and let him have a holiday. If he seems to be keeping you at arm's length when it comes to letting you know where he is, what he's going, then that's a red flag right there. That's someone who at the very least is reserving the right to cheat.

 

Do look at his actions, not his words, and ask yourself if there are red flags or not. But all you can do about it is leave. You can't make someone not sneak around, no matter how hard you try -- and if you do, it becomes a parent/child relationship, which is a huge romance and sex killer. Don't sabotage the relationship by doing that. Judge him by his overall openness and protectiveness and desire to keep you feeling safe and happy. If that's not there, leave. Good luck.

[Qboro90]

Yes you sound crazy and obsessive. If he has given you no reason to believe he shouldn't be trusted then you need to suck it up and trust him. If you are the insecure gf who can't handle your bf being away without you or going anywhere where there are other women then you are going to ruin this for yourself and he'll leave you. There will be women around him no matter if he is on vacation or if he is at home going food shopping. If he's going to cheat on you there is nothing you could ever to to stop it anyways.

 

Give him a break, this is your issue not his. He's done nothing wrong or shady so if you care about him trust that he would not do anything to hurt or disrespect you.